Updated: Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Great Reglorification



Yea, I say unto you, my brothers and sisters. Though we all walk through the valley of the college football, fear not! For salvation is at hand. Whether you pull for the loftiest powerhouse or the lowliest of the lesser-known cupcakes, there is always a time in which you, like so many who have come before, have toiled in the murky mire of the coaching search. Lo, for this is a time when all congregants can empathize with the heartbreak, the sorrow, the dizzying highs, trembling lows, and creamy centers of this emotional roller coaster. Behold, in this season of season-ending pomp, championship camaraderie, equally festive hams, cased sausage products, and various refreshing lubricating oils and tinctures, we of the Church of Robot Catholicism invite everyone to join us in our celebration of renewal. Whether you are Alvish, Krebish, Thonic, or even Sheekra, the universal truth of the Robot embraces you with open manipulator arms.

The Great Reglorification occurs annually to coincide with the end of the college football regular season, that time when many a school chooses to throw its future to fate and engage in the tumultuous search for a new head coach. It is at this time that the Robot Catholic calendar slows down to regular time to reflect on both searches past and present, and to wait in joyful hope of the bowl season and off-seasons to come.

There are 5 distinct periods of the celebration:

  • The Feast of the Recommitment-Nov. 30th. We begin the season of reglorification with a grand feast, celebrating the athletic directors, boards of trustees, and university presidents who had the foresight, the gumption if I may, to take action. They recognize that there is call for change, and that the program is has lost both momentum and trajectory. In order to reclaim future glory, the current head coach quickly becomes the former head coach as the initial effort to excel on all days of the week, not just Sunday through Friday but Saturday as well. Drink deep of the bourbon and rye and rejoice! Better times are surely ahead!
  • Wandering the Desert-Dec. 1st-Dec.5th. With great faith in the future, celebrants symbolically wear the colors of their alma mater for 5 days, commemorating their school's search for the next football savior. For the truly devout, a daily meditation on the program's historic greatness is taken while facing the true direction of their beloved college or university. These days are filled with anticipation and anxious joy as rumors constantly swirl across the football landscape. A great beacon of hope is just over the ridge, yet the true outcome is shrouded in mystery. While many possible suitors are considered, one quickly wins the hearts and minds of the common folk. The beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega, all outcomes are both possible and impossible.
  • The Foresakening-Dec. 6th. The hope of the previous five days is immediately snuffed out at the final day's dusk. Come this morning of The Foresakening, the beacon of hope has vanished, leaving the entire nation in darkness and despair. The great savior has been revealed to be nothing more than a false prophet. Nothing remains of the future except pipe dreams and empty promises. Fearing the worst that is yet to come, celebrants don black garments. A day of both fasting and abstinence is observed but not mandatory.
  • The Suffering-Dec.7th-Dec. 11th. These are the days of the sadness, the abyss, the unending suffering of a program truly lost. The last great hope has vanished, leaving the the grim future of perpetual defeat. All has been forsaken. Observers take this time visioning a world where their beloved team is no more, a mere doormat to their bitter rivals. For 5 days, school colors are strictly forbidden, and meditations on inevitable glory of one's foes, along with accompanying rival fight songs, are taken by strict practitioners.
  • The Feast of the Genius Robot-Dec. 12th. Alas, a single glimmer has survived the dark sorrow. Out of nowhere, a previously unexpected name surfaces to take the mantle. Press conferences are held and optimistic statements are spouted with great bombast. Finally, tales of eternal defeat become tales of eternal glory. The future, while still uncertain, has become much brighter. Celebrate boldly and without end! Feast greatly upon the ham and pomp, the liquors and liqueurs, and sleep the sound sleep of security. Your alma mater has been reglorified!
Reverend Lionel J. Preacherbot is an ordained minister of the Temple of Robotology. This mass has ended, 101000100010100001011110. *End of Line*

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Updated: Tuesday, November 28, 2006

LA Post-Mortem


It was a joyful Saturday morning for the Irish faithful. Colors were proudly flown and images of opposing ex-convicts were displayed with great aplomb. All signs pointed to a full day of exciting college football revelry. I had the lads up at daybreak to head into the belly of the beast. The plan was simple: tailgate early and tailgate often. The entire experience made all the more official by our standard-issue road gear. Trev had escaped sometime after the previous evening's happy hour, attempting to take the Gameday stage by force though the use of a clever sign.

After beginning the festivities with the traditional malt-based energy-drink (now in the more potent "black label"), we began discussing the various ways our Irish team would destroy the Trojans with religious zeal. Thoroughly emboldened by the thought of impending glory, one of the interns felt compelled to conquer a nearby tree. After a few beverages at the higher altitude, the location was prime for poking fun at passersby. I love it when a plan comes together.
At this time, with the sweet alcohol-tinted of victory clouding our view, we set out towards USC's fabled Heritage Hall. On the outside, the retro-70s digs could be mistaken for any general purpose space on any modern university campus. I half-expected a marquee welcoming the California Computer Educators conference or the local Kiwanis. The inside, however, did not disappoint. There, in all of their blood-boiling glory, were the retired jerseys, 7 Heismans, and various national championships trophies displayed center-atrium for all to see. Curiously, not a scrap of memorabilia from 2003, but I did manage to find a new target for our local ne'er do well.

Returning to the tailgate for several more hours of tailgating, the group stocked up for the long journey to the coliseum. While it is a good distance from campus, the trip seemed much shorter on the way to the game than it did afterwards. I'm pretty sure this had to do with our fluctuating BACs and the margin of victory. Nevertheless, the end of our tailgating was very similar to its start, a flag-flying, rabble-rousing, merry band of the phony tough and the crazy brave barrelling towards the stadium as loudly as their vocal chords could allow.

I only took the one picture of the LA Coliseum, and it was long before night fell, insanity along with it. Outcome of the game aside, never, I repeat, never bet against the Trojans at night. The ridiculous amount of bloodthirsty, ancient-themed pomp and circumstance is a lot for anyone to take in. Combine equal parts of a jilted Raider Nation and college-sized passion, throw it in the middle of South Central LA, shake that bitch up and pour flaming malt beverage over the remains. There are only a handful of teams that can overcome USC on paper. Throw in that damn horse, 10,000 LA coeds, THAT FREAKING SONG, and about a million people doing that "V" thing with their hands, and you've got yourself some spectacle.

Overall, better football types have said it better than me, but I am OK with the lesson this game taught me. Notre Dame is a good team. Southern Cal is a great team. Will it always be this way? One must only look at the series grand history to know otherwise. "This too shall pass." In the meantime, there is plenty of work to be done in South Bend. We headed back to the lots in one giant mob of punch-drunk football fans, either high on BCS hopes or overdosed on reality, only the vague direction of the crowd to guide us, and after all of the festivities, all of the pomp, and all of the grim face of football truth, the trip was still a resounding, and exhausting, success.

-irishoutsider

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Updated: Monday, November 27, 2006

Week 13: The Bloodening



It's been a rough weekend, everyone. I've had my fair share of turkey, football, and festivity-related binge drinking, a four-day deluge of gluttony and jet-lag that none of us may recover from any time soon. The office took the pilgrimage out to Southern Cal this weekend, and although it may be a while before the kid recovers from his latest zealotry overdose, a good time was had by all. I assure you that he is working diligently to up-post all of the superfluous audio-visual material captured this weekend, so keep an eye peeled.

In other news, there was actually more than one football game played this weekend. While none of them really had too many earth-shattering results for our resident Wheel of Death, there was top 25 action to be had. Let's see we had...one...two...HOLY HECK! 18 top 25 games this weekend?!? I picked a hell of a week to sit out, and by sit out I mean get ferschnickered on the bourbon and rye. Let's just do some light skimming, shall we? I think my analyzors are still dehydrated from all the whiskey and recirculated air.

Miami(FL) 17-Boston College 14
A deep Nelson-styled guffaw to the Boston College Eagles. HAW HAW! Enjoy whatever non-BCS bowl you just backslid into. Miami(FL) retains some dignity and qualifies for I believe the Boise State SmurfTurf bowl. Idaho should pass a law immediately preventing this from occurring should Miami(FL) not humbly decline the bid in an act of self-discipline. I don't think Boise is zoned for such high levels of keeping it real.

LSU 31-Arkansas 26
A typical SEC game until the final zillion touchdowns at the end. The mutant that is McFadden shocks and awes us all, but its not enough. Makes for an interesting SEC title game, though.

Nebraska 37-Colorado 14
Stay the course, Huskers.

Texas A&M 12-Texas 7
Oh, I'm sure the Texas fans wanted me to pick against them yet again, but alas, it was not to be. Have fun at the Cotton Bowl, 'Horns. We'll take care of the Petersen-less Sooners for you. I think I'm going to have to borrow our editor's Tempe Liquors Super-Saver card.

Florida 21-Florida State 14
The upset that almost was. Jeff Bowden, we hardly knew ye.

Louisville 48-Pittsburgh 24
Keep padding that resume, Mr. Petrino. I can hear those phones ringing from here. A couple of them may be the BCS, but the rest are certainly not.

South Florida 24-West Virginia 19
Again, can I say I love the Big East? All these little spoilers that could eventually become a pretty darn good conference? Way to be, South Florida. The Golden Alligators, or whatever they are, were able to stymie Coach Rod's knifewrench offense, relegating them to bowls unknown.

Boise State 38-Nevada 7
I don't want my Huskers to be "that team" for the up-and-coming Broncos, but it certainly seems like it. Short of computer shenanigans or certifiably insane bowl boosters, the Smurfs are headed for a Fiesta.

Oklahoma 27-Oklahoma State 21
And I have a new target of my Big XII wrath. Bring it, Sooners!

Rutgers 38-Syracuse 7
Woo! Rutgers! Yeah! They're still awesome, right? Hello? Anyone? Not so much? Big game against WVU next week, where's all of the love?

Georgia 15-Georgia Tech 12
I want to know if Calvin Johnson took out an insurance policy against Reggie Ball's completion rate (6-22 this week). I'm just saying. However, can I get odds on the Detroit Lions drafting in the first round? 4-1? 5-1?

Virginia Tech 17-Virginia 0
Al Groh still has his job. Someone explain this to me.

Tennessee 17-Kentucky 12
Is Kentucky good or something? I completely missed this one. I could also care less.

Wake Forest 38-Maryland 24
Wake Forest and Georgia Tech for the ACC title. Fantastic. The Orange Bowl is destined for the Big East/ACC matchup, and the favorite is going to be the conference that LOST Miami, BC, and VTech.

BYU 33-Utah 31
The Wizard of Odds has all of the angles on the best ending of the weekend. Pure Mormon Chaos.

South Carolina 31-Clemson 28
'Cocks win, fan fires rifle in celebration.

Hawaii 42-Purdue 35
I got nothing. Hawaii plays Purdue. Many points scored. Boilers lose in new time zone. Yeah, that's about it.

Southern Cal 44-Notre Dame 24
The non-football shenanigans pale in comparison to the football shenanigans in this game. Color me and the staff impressed. In both football and pomp, this Southern Cal team has made a believer out of me. If there was a way for SC and OSU to play in a title-less bowl game, I would pay good money to see these guys humble the Buckeyes, if only to see the riots that would ensue. Unfortunately, they do not, so I hope they both die like pigs in hell. Yep, there was a lot of hate flowing this weekend. No doubt.

Sorry again for the quick and dirty rundown everyone, but I can only do so much while the kid is seculded in the A/V lab. Geek.

Trev Alberts is fully instrument-rated for Microsoft Flight Simulator. He is still wanted by the TSA.

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2 comments

Updated: Thursday, November 23, 2006

And shepherds we shall be...

I'm taking the entire office to Southern Cal. We leave at dawn, brown liquor and zeal in hand.

I am unsure whether I can have Trev and the lads sober enough to post the weekly picks, but I promise that there will be plenty of stories to tell when we get back. If we're lucky, we can update some of the shenanigans as they unfold, so keep an eye out.

Now that the housekeeping is out of the way, back to the business at hand.



-irishoutsider

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3 comments

Updated: Wednesday, November 22, 2006

The Final Chapter!



Where is everyone? Interns? Trev? Anyone? Am I all alone?

It's all mine....

BWAH-HAHAHAHA! NYAH-HAHAHAHAHA!

At long last, the time has come for me to reveal my most nefarious ploy to topple the BCS! After weeks and weeks of careful plotting, my malevolent Wheel of Death is poised to unleash its most deadly fighting technique. Henchmen! Wheel outward the WHEEL!

BEHOLD THE WHEEL OF DEATH!!!!!!!


Now, foolish college football plebeians, feast your eyes on the final cog in this spinning tempest of whiz-bang, intellectual evil! My final dagger to the heart of the BCS sytem, THE FIGHTING IRISH!



You didn't see that one coming at all, did you! With a victory over Southern California this Saturday, the pieces will finally be in place for complete and utter chaos. Computers will come crashing down, conferences will crumble, and the lucrative spoils of sponsorship will all be mine. Mine, I say! Broderick West Quinnsington the Fourth will not be stopped in his pursuits!

Consider for a moment the mind-melting madness of the logical fallacies wedged into the system:
  • Notre Dame and Michigan would be all but tied in the BCS rankings save for the human polls.
  • The conferences band together to ensure that the Big Ten does not dominate the title game with their redundant OSU/UM rematch.
  • The Irish overtake Michigan by the SLIMMEST of political margins, spurning pundits and prognosticators alike in the process!
  • No one is given satisfaction! Notre Dame haters unite in the name of justice, only to inevitably reward a bitter foe!
Surely, Notre Dame cannot pass up Michigan, for the Wolverines already handled them handily. But, alas, didn't THE Ohio State University handle the skunkbears as handily? A conundrum of the highest order! Why should the Buckeyes face their bitter rivals twice? And what of the SEC champion? Surely, their one-loss champeen could overcome the national allure of a Notre Dame title contention....pause. NOT! It all falls to the whims of the imperfect human pollsters, revealing their personal biases and bearing all of their innermost demons! The money of the BCS corrupts absolutely! I, already being thoroughly corrupted, will be able to step in and swipe the riches under the noses of the bickering boosters!

BWAH-HAHAHAHA! NYAH-HAHAHAHA!

This doesn't even open the door to the possibility of the equally evil AP crowning their own champion and splitting the title in twain! My mischievous smile turns into a sinister grin at the mere mention of it!

I'm off to the LA Coliseum, internet cohorts! I think I might steal that infernal horse while I'm out there, too....

Broderick West Quinnsington IV is an interminable charlatan. He once swindled his way into Parliament using only a German mark and a tubular sock.

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Updated: Monday, November 20, 2006

Week 12 Rundown


BEHOLD! The greatness of the ND-SC game is upon us! Yea, though you walk through the valley of the predetermined national title game, know that the Week of Hate is upon us!

Hello, my name is Trev Alberts. You may remember me from such biblical football matchups as Florida-Auburn, Michigan-Ohio State, and Me vs. Jack Daniels. With the blessing of our editor, I've reconstructed the office to resemble a mock-up of the LA Coliseum, where I've been allowed full master-of-ceremonies capacities as we sacrifice to the many football gods so that they may smile upon this weekend's game. A bacchanal of mock animal sacrifices, mock gladitorial combat, and mock mock naval battles round out a full schedule of paying homage to my many pagan football gods. (We're pulling out all the stops here. It's ok, though. We have insurance. Do not attempt this at home. -IO)

Before things get too out of hand, let us give thanks for my wonderful prognosticating results. Scoreboardicus!

Week 12 Totals:
Straight Up:5-2
Against the Spread: 5-2

Season-to-date:
Straight Up: 81-29
Against the Spread: 62-45-2

A triumphant return to form. Let us look back on the contests that were before we celebrates the contests that are goings to be.

Boston College 38-Maryland 16
Boston College plays Miami(FL), hoping Wake Forest drops one to Maryland. The fortunate team wins the division and a chance to play Georgia Tech. This is not the ACC they were looking for. Simply stunning, the only relevance remaining for the ACC is the possibility that Florida State could ruin Florida's outside title hopes like...well like Boston College. Congratulations, ACC, you've become a conference of Boston Colleges! Sigh.

Auburn 22-Alabama 15
And, just like that, Alabama enter the "Steve Spurrier could be coming here" sweepstakes. I've got to think of a better name for this, but these schools need better names for their incognito coaching searches. Urban Meyer? Sexy name. Butch Davis? You betcha. Steve Spurrier? That is so 1996. The wailing and gnashing of teeth continues in Alabama as the Crimson Tide fail to make the pointspread enticing. This wasn't even underrated Auburn. This was woefully "we're so good we got trapped twice" Auburn. Outside of Alabama, did anyone care about this game? If you're a fan of college football at all, the answer is unsettling.

Virginia Tech 27-Wake Forest 6
NOW they decide to be Virginia Tech. Great. A lot of good that did me. Here I am, holding off my OMG love for Wake Forest until they encounter the one team that they should be able to stop, and they completely poop out at home. Let's see how the Deacons play, psuedo-backs-to-the-division-wall, at Maryland next week. I'm sure Friedgen is hungry for some spoiling, he's hungry for lots of things. Wake Forest is fully promoted to bowl-pool victim due to the possibility that they may not win another game until next September. My money is on tailspin. Tailspin! Tailspin coming...

Cincinnati 30-Rutgers 11
The highway's jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive. Everybody's out on the run tonight, but there's no place left to hide. What kind of sportsographer would I be if I didn't throw the Boss in here? It was fun while it lasted, Rutgers, have fun playing your bowl game under wild coaching speculation. Seriously, however, the Big East berth will get interesting if Louisville and Rutgers finish with 11-1 records and UL stays ahead in the BCS. Mini-meltdown. I love it. I tip my hat to Cincinnati for stubbing some toes like I TOTALLY KNEW THEY WOULD! YEAH! GO ME! SUCK IT DOWN, NON-BELIEVERS! Ahem...sorry about that, but I totally pwned this game.

Southern Cal 23-California 9
The new Oregon did what Oregon does and lost this game proper. Increase ND-SC pimping by 40%, ABC. All the while, the legal staff began muttering to themselves "they're mortal, they're not invincible." Let's see what happens in five days. I'll try to keep the countdown on the DL. Sheer mention of the proximity of the game causes the kid to blare the fight song over the loud speakers. He is all sorts of crazy as of late, even I'm worried about him, and that's saying something.

Notre Dame 41-Army 9
The game was a non-event, but the post-game celebration certainly was not. My apologies to the kid, but all of you Irish types are certifiable right up to the scoreboard guy. (Beat SC!-IO)



The level of office fanaticism is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. Sign me up!

Trev Alberts has an honorary doctorate in fanaticism. Contrary to his belief, he cannot marry people like a ship's captain.

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Updated: Friday, November 17, 2006

Week 12 Trevonics


I will have you all know that I am not, in fact, a lightweight. I was hypnotized by the sultry allure of the Wannstache, and no sooner did I think that Pitt had a chance last night against WVU did I pass out on the couch. The rest is history. Oh, and I did trip out on some Sparks malt flavored beverage, but that was for vision quest purposes! I'm here, a little late, but I'm ready to tackle the epic slate of Week 12: The Bloodening. Scoreboard, ho!

Season-to-date:
Straight Up: 76-27
Against the Spread: 57-43-2

Not bad, if I can say so myself, and I certainly will! Just a heads up, I'm going to save THE BIG GAMES for the end...right before I pick Notre Dame over Army...

Maryland (+8) at Boston College 1100et (ESPN)
One of the more appealing morning offerings in the past few weeks. I plan on getting thoroughly unsobered in preparation for the afternoon apocalypse, and BC crapping the bed sounds like a wonderful start to my day. Mimosas, Bloody Marys, and various other fruity drinks for everyone! It's perfectly ok to drink girlier drinks as long as the sun is up. Perfectly acceptable and they help ease the transition into straight binge drinking. Back to the game, obligatory Fear the Turtle! (We would like to remind everyone to enjoy football alcohol responsibly. I wish some of our guys would.-IO)
Trev's pick: Maryland

Auburn (-3) at Alabama 334et (CBS)
I will never learn my lesson about taking the points in SEC games, and I blame you, Alabama! Why do you have to make it so hard? I don't care if you're at home, and I don't care if you've got nothing to lose. Both of those statements are probably just plain wrong. On the one hand, you do have a game to lose, and on the other, I think the mob has turned against Mike Shula. This may be one of those "I hope Auburn kicks our ass" games for the fans. But, what do I know? I still don't know why it's called the Iron Bowl.
Trev's pick: Auburn

Wake Forest (pick) vs Virginia Tech 700et (ESPN2)
Wake Forest, you darling little ACC would-be Cinderellas, playing for your ACC title hopes and a trip to scenic Miami. Virginia Tech is in the Deacons way, and I don't see the Hokies having anough offense to over come this shockingly good Wake Forest D. There's really not much left to say other than VT is going to be realllly wishing this game was in Blacksburg by around the middle of the 2nd quarter.
Trev's pick:Wake Forest

Cincinnati (+6.5) vs. Rutgers 745et (ESPN)
Yeah, I'm not buying all of this Rutgers guff. Does that make me the bad guy? Fine! See if I care! I'm not worried about any stereotypical New Jersey street toughs walking in here and pushing me around. I've watched "The Sopranos." I've got a ringer on the intern staff trained in the martial arts, not even the kid knows which one I've got on the take. Come in and try it, guys! My guy will kung-fu you silly! Now, go try and get that smoke and mirrors act going against Cincy. They've had they're spoiler shoes on for weeks now, and I see them as the angry, blood-lusty type of spoiler.
Trev's pick: Cincinnati

Southern Cal (-5.5) vs. California 800et (ESPN)
There's a lot of jinxing, reverse-jinxing, reverse-reverse-jinxing, going on around the office today. Our editor would love a Southern Cal victory, making an Irish victory in LA all the more appealing, but I'm going to stick with my guns on this one. Cal is the new Oregon, and this is a game the new Oregon loses. You could call this the double trap for a Trojan team looking forward to Notre Dame, but this is still for the PAC-10 title. While I would love to see SC in the Emerald Bowl this year, the pick still stands.
Trev's pick: Southern Cal

Michigan (+7) at Ohio State 330et (ABC)
Batten down the hatches. Alert the proper authorities. Hide the women and the children. This one is going to get downright ugly anyone. I don't think the final score is going to even matter. No other fanbase has embraced the nasty image like the Buckeyes have, and now here they are, against their bitterest rival in the biggest game of the year. Whether the post-game celebrations are mournful or jubilant, this is going to be very ugly. Again, I ask everyone in the state of Ohio who does not have tickets to this game to please seek refuge in the lesser populated areas of eastern Indiana and western Pennsylvania. Breaking down the numbers, I've taken the teams' various statistical strengths and weaknesses, adjusted for various schedule biases, tweaked the weather coefficient by a factor of pi, and threw darts at a picture of Ted Ginn Sr. I've still got no clue how this one will shake out, so I'll split it, taking the points and picking the home team to win. How's that for your reverse jinxing!
Trev's pick: Ohio State to win, Michigan to cover, Columbus to burn.

Notre Dame (-28.5) vs. Army 230et (NBC)
Why does Notre Dame hate America? I guess there are worse opponents you could add as your 12th game, Florida, I'm looking at you, but you have to give the Irish credit for the appearance of making this classy. Ignoring the names on the jerseys for a second, the Irish will not make this look classy at all. Although they've been killing me on the spread all year, I just don't know how a service academy can score without the option. It's like against nature or something. Go America, I hope you cover, but if you pulled the upset, there may be murder-suicides. No one wants to see that, so maybe the University of Army should lay this one down.
Trev's pick: Notre Dame

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN prognosticator. He is easily hypnotized.

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3 comments

Updated: Thursday, November 16, 2006

A quick link

Apologies to Seth and the guys at the Fanhouse, but this week has been very hectic. Don't get me started on all of the various demands being placed on the compound for this weekend's Big Game double-header. We've had to have a lottery for TV room seats, a fistfight broke out during the adult beverage discussion, and Bloo insists that someone, other than him, go camp out for one of the new video game systems. It doesn't even matter which one!

Anyway, for those of you stopping by tonight for a sneak peek at this week's Trevonics, sorry it's going to have to wait until Friday. Mr. Alberts' has decided to go on a vision quest prior to making this week's selections. In other words, he's already passed out on the couch, the lightweight...

So, head on over to The Fanhouse for tonight's WVU/Pitt live blog and try not to let the mystical powers of the Wannstache hypnotize you into thinking Pitt won't get shellacked.

Live Blog- WVU at Pitt. Full interweb coverage from The Fanhouse.


-irishoutsider

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Trev's Travel Advisories



Gather round, faithful Trevians! The end time is nigh! The Four Whatsits of the What-have-you are descending upon the wonderful town of Columbus, OH for TEH GREATEST GAME OF TEH CENTURY R00X0R 1337 EXTRAVAGANZA!1!!!!!1!

Given the already heightened state of alert already enacted on the outlying Columbian countryside, I feel it is my civic duty to prepare big game pilgrims for their perilous journey. Beginning with basic precautions, anyone within 200 miles of THE Ohio Stadium should create a football emergency kit containing the following:
  • Bottled water- good for basic washing and drinking in the event of rioting fans poisoning local actuaries. Also good for the dousing of small to medium-sized furniture fires.
  • Canned food- emergency rations should tailgating and looting deplete local Wal-Marts, general stores, and feed shops. Please avoid perishables that must be refrigerated, as there is a strong defecation warning being placed on all area coolers.
  • Heavy-duty Flashlight, spare "D" batteries-good for personal defense as both make-shift nightstick and projectiles as well as entertainment. Those bastards love chasing those lights around. Can also scare off scavenging raccoons should they populate the rubble of the aftermath.
  • First-aid kit- Hospitals plan on being overwhelmed with demand for stomach pumps and taser wounds and will likely be unable to attend to basic brainings. Be sure to include a sturdy pair of forceps for removing shards of broken glass and plenty of aspirin.
For those travelling into the Kill Zone, please be advised to take these motoring precautions:

  • Remove all educational pride markings from your vehicle. This includes, but is not limited to, I-AA colleges, High School Honor Roll noticements, and indications that you boost your son or daughter's grammar school athletic department. "Book It" bumper stickers are permissible if you include Calvin, of "Calvin and Hobbes", urinating on said book while wearing an OSU T-shirt.
  • Be sure your vehicle's Rhino Bar and/or cowcatcher is securely fastened BEFORE leaving home.
  • Pack an extra case of generic domestic beer. These can be thrown from the rear of your vehicle to ward off oncoming pillagers.
  • If you have an in-car DVD system, suggested preparatory viewings include Day of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, and Escape from L.A.
  • Lastly, in case of evasive maneuvers, I have posted a copy of a local map, provided by the Columbus Chamber of Commerce (CCC). The map should increase your chances of escape.

So, enjoy the game, stay safe, and above all else, go football!

Trev Alberts is an amateur cartographer. Be advised that his maps are not to scale.

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5 comments

Updated: Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Johnny 5 runs the numbers


I'll try to keep this week's computer breakdown interesting, fellow readers. I know how much guff I've been getting around the office. The site's numbers take a dip whenever old Johnny 5 boots up, and Trev has been threatening termination if I can't poll higher. Fortunately for me, my technology confuses and frightens him, so I'm pretty safe from the ultimate penalty. Anyhoo, on to this week's compu-ratings:
  1. Michigan
  2. Rutgers
  3. Ohio State
  4. Southern Cal
  5. Notre Dame
  6. Florida
  7. Louisville
  8. Wisconsin
  9. Arkansas
  10. Boise State
I don't know what's going on behind the scenes, but it seems that Rutgers has some serious computer juice. Perhaps some of the computers owe some rather sizable monies on some previously uncollected sports wagers...if you know what I mean... but all of that legitimate business aside, it's all for naught in the end. Take a look at the remaining schedules (computer rankings):

#1 Michigan: at #3 Ohio State
#2 Rutgers: vs. #55 Cincinnati vs. #84 Syracuse, at #12 West Virginia
#4 Southern Cal: vs. #10 California, vs. #5 Notre Dame, vs. #42 UCLA
#5 Notre Dame: vs. #108 Army, at #4 Southern Cal
#6 Florida: vs. I-AA West. Carolina, at #59 Florida State, vs. #9 Arkansas

Obviously, the winner of UM/OSU is #1. This has been known for quite some time, and you may have seen some television advertisements about the importance of Saturday's game. What is not so clear is the final outcome of the remaining teams. Hacking into the Colley Matrix once more, we can estimate a final computer score for each team should it run the table:

Michigan- .98040 (.94156 with a loss)
Ohio State- .96045 (.89200)
Southern Cal- .97725
Rutgers- .95712
Florida- .93756
Notre Dame- .91584

Given those numbers, here's what each team would need for a title shot:

Ohio State-The Michigan game is a must win. Period. Even with a blessed #2 human rating following the game, there is no computer foundation. This would be a good time for our Columbus readers to start stockpiling bottled water and canned goods.

Rutgers-The Scarlet Knights are only in this if they are undefeated, but if they are, things get very interesting, very fast. They need to be in the top 3 in the human polls to have a shot, and by simple logic, a 12-0 Rutgers should be at least #5. RU is currently #8 in the coaches poll, plays #7 West Virginia, #3 Florida plays #6 Arkansas, #4 Southern Cal plays #5 Notre Dame, and Michigan/Ohio State rounds it out. 12-0 Rutgers should jump the loser of each of those games with the UM/OSU loser being a question mark. That's #5 by default, #4 with some polling help, and higher with some upsets. Of course, it's a longshot, but it's not as crazy as people think.

Michigan- They have a more fortunate position than the Buckeyes, as even with a loss to Ohio State, the wolverines are not dead. Only Rutgers and Southern Cal would have better numbers, so Cal over USC, USC over ND could keep Michigan in the game unless a 12-0 Rutgers has higher human polls.

Southern Cal-Similar to Ohio State, the Trojans must win out or be crowded out. A win over Cal guarantees some BCS action, but a 2nd loss from anywhere obviously locks them out or the title game, and a loss to Cal puts them in a competitive at-large pool.

Notre Dame- The Irish need all kinds of help, but it's enough to fire up the faithful. ND beats a 10-2 USC, watches a combination of LSU/Arkansas/Florida/Florida State give 'Hogs and Gators two-losses each, and pulls for an undefeated Michigan (ick....-IO). That would pretty much punch their ticket and put the kid on the organ donor list. Rutgers losing would help, but even a cold, unfeeling machine like myself can understand why the pollsters would find an 11-1 Notre Dame dead sexy.

Florida-Simply put, Gator fans should find some maize and blue for this weekend. A convincing wolverine victory would be half the battle, and the equally yellow and blue Cal Bears could finish the job in LA. Of course, this depends on Florida winning out, but that's a given.

So, there you have it, in the eyes of the computers, it's a binary world. Only 10 teams can play for it all in the end.

Johnny 5's monetary value is listed as $11,002,076.17 . He is currently worth more than Steve Guttenberg.

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Updated: Monday, November 13, 2006

Week 11 Rundown



What a pleasantly surprising upset weekend! Louisville? DEAD! Auburn? DEAD! California? DEAD! Texas?

Wait? Did Texas play this week? I totally forgot about that. Normally, I only pick the nationally televised games, and I completely missed ABC covering the Texas-KState night game. Good for me, as I would have likely have picked Texas in a walk...but the Longhorn fans probably wanted me to pick against them. I guess I'll take full responsibility for this. I'm sure you're all looking for a scapegoat right about now. Scoreboard, hide me!

Week 11 Results:
Straight Up: 9-3
Against the Spread: 8-3-1

Season-to-date:
Straight Up: 76-27
Against the Spread: 57-43-2

Clawing and scraping my way back to respectability. Thank you Kansas State for being so easily overlooked. I think USC, Florida, Notre Dame, Arkansas, and Rutgers share these sentiments as well.

West Virginia 42-Cincinnati 24
A push, a lowly push. That's like kissing your sister. I will now avoid taking the cheap shot at West Virginia. See how I did that? Classy. Cincinnati firmly entrenches itself in the "we could be a good football team, someday" column along with UCONN and USF. Let's hear it for the Big East.

Wisconsin 24-Iowa 21
Wisconsin, the littlest #9 team that could. I'm sure there's at least a handful of faithful Badgers fans trying to concoct a scenario that gets them to BCS #3 at the end of the day, because that's probably the only way they're getting to the BCS. Please direct all complaints to Western Illinois, San Diego State, and Buffalo. I have a feeling the computers will be liking the SOS not so much after Wisconsin tromps on the Washington Generals of NCAA for their 11th win.

Ohio State 54 -Northwestern 10
Northwestern avoided all of my suggestions for beating the Buckeyes. They cut the golden retriever I sent them, told the ghost to take a hike, and reported all of my flubber to the proper authorities. They ditched all of my genius ideas and went with...black pants. How'd those work out for you Northwestern? The black pants? Hmm? Yeah, I thought so. Never turn down flubber. EVER.

Michigan 34-Indiana 3
Ok. I mayy have gotten a little bit excited over the Hoosiers last week. I apologize, but my vision was clouded by the kid's unstoppable hatred for all things meatchicken. Between that and the season IU has been cobbling together this year, we were all believing in miracles. Well, reality sunk in, and Indiana couldn't even scrape together a decent cover. I had so much hope, but it is hard to score when you get 1 yard a rush and 3 yards a pass. The double trap fails, and TEH GAME OF TEH CENTURY1!!!1!! is on.

Florida
17-South Carolina 16
Orson's take says it all: COCKBLOCKED. As if this weekend wasn't crazy enough for the 1-loss types, Florida came *THIS* close to joining the ranks of the also-rans. It's ok though, they only care about SEC championships down there anyway. Props to the visor for keeping the gunknife in check. Is the Florida State-Florida game relevant yet? I know our editor has added the Seminoles to his list of necessary evils.

Maryland 14-Miami (FL) 13
Well, I'm not going to stick my foot in my mouth any more than I already did on this one. Maryland wins, and Miami (FL) is still struggling. This could get a lot worse before it gets better.

Nebraska 28-Texas A&M 27
Huskers. Yes. See you in KC, Longhorns. I don't think this is how y'all wanted to get to Arizona, though.

Arizona 24-California 20
WHA!?!?! How the? Who the? You gotta be freaking kidding me, California! Of all the trappiest trap games that ever trapped, you had to go and drop one to the Wildcats. This was not in the cards at all. Now? Well now, I've got the kid locked in his office, doing BCS math over and over and over. That's just great. I have to listen to his Irish homering for two weeks, as if the ND-USC game wasn't already driving everyone crazy. He re-rigged my LOST button to a countdown to 11/25. Between this and the newly renovated "Big Board," the entire office knows exactly how long it is until the kid goes to LA. He may never come back, you know this.

Arkansas 31-Tennessee 14
The Arkansas mascot as been officially renamed the Mcfadden. The 'Hogs RB did his best Boobie Miles impression, grabbing 181 yds on 30 carries for 2 TDs. AND HE CAN PASS! 1/1 for a 12-yd TD. Seriously, that play never works. I've tried it like 50 times on Xbox, and I can never get the throw off, yet I hit the button every time! Arkansas is locked into a title fight with Florida at the Georgia Dome, but LSU is ready to punch them in the mouth just for fun, because that's what LSU does.

LSU 28-Alabama 14
'Bama survives Death Valley with most of their remaining gazelle limbs in tact. The Tigers swatted them around a bit, had a few bites of the weaker members of the herd, and then proceeded to grab a comfy chair for Shark Week. Shark Week in this instance being next week's Arkansas game. Alabama moves on to play Auburn for bowl eligibility, but those Tigers have been surprised enough this season.

Wake Forest 30-Florida State 0
Florida State, you didn't manage to score a single point. Not a sausage. Bugger all. A thoroughly polite dustup by the Demon Deacons as they inch ever closer to the ACC title game. Maybe the Seminoles should bring out their "undefeated" green jerseys for the Florida game. Something. Anything. The kid is willing to send you guys flubber, and that says a lot.

Notre Dame 39-Air Force 17
Sure, I didn't know that ND's QB was Brady Quinn and not Tom Brady, and of course, their ridiculously good TE's name is John Carlson, not John Carlton. But, you've got to cut me some slack, guys. For the 5% that actually receive CSTV as part of you digital television subscriptions, you know that that broadcast was absolute clown shoes. I've seen high-school games with more cameras, and Bloo has made better cuts on his iBook. Poor effort all around, really. So, can you blame me when my game notes were written on crackers? For everyone who's name I mangled, and for every equally mangled shot, I apologize on behalf of Sprinkles, our technical director, Mr. Giggles, our assistant producer, and nobody, my completely missing production assistant.

Trev Alberts would like to apologize one more time for overlooking the Texas-KState game. In his defense, Texas overlooked it too.

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6 comments

Updated: Friday, November 10, 2006

Release the Badgers!



BWAH-HAHAHAHA! NYAH-HAHAHAHAHA!



Good show, Rutgers, Good show! Now, finish the job against Western Virginia, and seal the BCS' fate! But, I feel my masterful plan is missing a step or two. I need to make some fine tuning. Some adjustments...it could be good. It could be stupendous. I need time to ponder...

Interns! Wheel out my wheel!

BEHOLD THE WHEEL OF DEATH!!!!!!!
Let's see:
  • Big East champion making waves. Yes...go....Rutgers....
  • Arkansas Razorbacked Whirling Dervish....check....
  • Cal and USC in a West Coast foofurrah....check...
  • Texas....umm.....ok.....
  • Michigan and Ohio State....BLAST! The potential rematch is causing me to be vexed. I must ensure that even a justified rematch is unforgivable. If only there was a way to....what's this?
Of course! How could it be so simple? Thank you, anonymous tipster, for alerting me to the finest modification to the Wheel of Death yet! It is all so wondrously evil, the sheer happenstance causing the conferences to bend to their own greedy wills by their own draconian by-laws! BWAH-HAHAHAHA!

I have set a course for Evanston, IL, and should be there in a half-day's journey. There, I will blare my particular mix-tape of hypnotic "jocular rock" that worked so well in Auburn's crushing defeat of Florida, and help bring the Michigan Wolverines to their one-loss knees! Wildcats! They were the key all along! The Big Ten and the BCS have sealed their own fate if the Wheel of Death takes its toll as newly planned!
  1. Northwestern defeats Ohio State
  2. Ohio State defeats Michigan
  3. Wisconsin wins out!
Ok, I've got my hypno-mix, the Illinois defensive playbook, some sleeping pills, and an extra flask of 18yr scotch. Hmm. I may need to pack some extra flubber for this. Anything is possible with flubber!

The three-way tie would be enough to bring the system crashing to the ground! In the case of a tie, the Big Ten determines who goes to the Rose Bowl by...whoever hasn't been there recently! WISCONSIN! RELEASE THE BADGERS!



Yes....mushroom....mushroom.....snake! SNAKE! OHHHH SNAKE!

Michigan would be locked out of the BCS entirely! Only two teams from the Big Ten can be accepted. Bask in the evil paradoxes! Surely, the system would crumble under the weight of either team being forced out of the BCS by the BCS itself!

I am so giddy with dastardly glee. I must make haste! The vast riches of bowl game plunder await! Excelsior!

Broderick West Quinnsington IV is an associate professor of evil at Oxford University, where he also holds an honorary doctorate in the dirigible arts.

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Week 11 Trevonics



ITS GETTING QUITE NOISY IN HERE! BRODERICK IS PUTTING THE WHEEL OF DEATH THROUGH ITS LATEST PACES, AND IVE GOT A PLANE TO CATCH! KID! WHERE ARE MY BAGS? (They're almost done, Trev. Now give me back my Caps Lock.-IO) OK! I mean...Ok. Of course, the one week I need to get the heck out of Dodge, and the weekend's slate becomes the heftiest of the heft. I think we've got like 12 games on the docket this week. Cripes. Let's get this over with before that flaming Wheel of Death destroys us all. Freaking Rutgers....

Season-to-date:
Straight Up: 67-24
Against the Spread: 49-40-1

Alright. If I can go 12-0 this week, I can start tooting some horns. This must be what Lousiville felt like. Snap.

West Virginia (-18) vs. Cincinnati 1200et (ESPN2)
I've got two teams that have nothing to play for in this one. Cincy is probably looking to spoil someone after near-missing Louisville, but West Virginia is already spoiled. Yeah, it's a lot of points, but I don't think the Bearcats have the wear-with-all to survive the revenge of WVU's knife-wrench offense.
Trev's pick: West Virginia

Wisconsin (-1.5) at Iowa 1200et (ESPN)
Iowa, also having very little to play for, versus Wisconsin, who has very much to play for. I don't like the looks of this at all. Either way, there is interest in this game. Either my beloved beer-swilling Badgers are exposed as the pudgy cupcake-eating frauds they are suspected to be, or the prospects of the Big Ten/Rose Bowl/split-champion math begins to rear its snaggletoothed head. It was brought up in the comments that the Wisconsin could lock out a 1-loss Ohio State or Michigan if the conference ends in a three-way tie. Glorious. I hadn't considered that at all. This explains all of Broderick's noisy goings-on...
Trev's pick: Wisconsin

Ohio State (-23) at Northwestern 330et (ABC)
If the Buckeyes are going to lose, its not going to be here. Illinois may have given everyone the book on defending the Buckeyes (its at least possible....), but there is no way the Northwestern defense can come within a mile of pulling this off. I just don't believe. They are going to need a talking golden retriever, the ghost of a WWII-era wingback, and flubber if they want to think about covering.
Trev's pick: Ohio State

Indiana (+19) vs. Michigan 330et (ESPN)
Now, HERE'S your crazy talk. Indiana, playing for bowl eligibility, embracing the spoiler role, and pulling for their coach at home. Huge spoilage possibilities, especially considering the occurrence of the rare double trap. Ball State, Indiana, Ohio State....DOUBLE TRAP! Love it. Hoosiers all the way.
Trev's pick: Indiana

South Carolina (+12.5) at Florida 330et (CBS)
Take the points in the SEC game. Can Urban Meyer's gunknife offense 9mm stab the Gamecocks? I think the Gators have two scores in them: A Tim Tebow off-tackle, and a sick Percy Harvin scramble. It's just that easy. The visor may not be able to overcome the Gator defense and get out of the Swamp alive, but I think they can cover this. Split pick.
Trev's pick: Florida to win, South Carolina to cover

Maryland (-3.5) vs. Miami (FL) (ABC)
(Wow, let's just apologize now for the brief insensitivity we posted for a few minutes. Recent events had completely slipped my mind when I let Trev analyze this one. No use kicking the 'Canes while they are down, but the pick can still stand. -IO)
Trev's pick: Maryland

Nebraska (-1) at Texas A&M 330et (ABC)
Huskers. Yes. Aggies. No. Next.
Trev's pick: Nebraska

California (-13.5) at Arizona 330et (ABC)
The new Oregon continues towards the Coliseum like a runaway train. Trap games be damned. Sorry, Mr. Stoops, but you're just standing on the tracks.
Trev's pick: California

Tennessee (+6) at Arkansas 700et (ESPN)
I want Arkansas to win this game, I really do. I'm sure the Auburn Tigers do just the same, as locking themselves out of the SEC title game probably locks them into a BCS at-large. Hooray for capitalism! I'm taking the points here, because apparently you ALWAYS TAKE TEH POINTS !!!1!!1 If this is in Neyland, this is a bit easier for me, but I'm taking the Vols anyway.
Trev's pick: Tennessee

LSU (-18) vs. Alabama 745et (ESPN)
Alabama, reeling from last week's loss to Miss. St., steps into Death Valley. Quoting Michael Oher, because that's what trendy journalists do, "That's a bad place down there, mama." It's going to be like watching the Discovery channel, and I mean that in the most respectful way, like watching a lion eat a gazelle, or an octopus eating a shark.
Trev's pick: LSU

Wake Forest (+8.5) at Florida State 800et (ABC)
REALLY? Come on. That line can't be right. It may be a trap, but I just don't see it. I think FSU fans are actually pulling for Wake Forest in this one, just to prove a point.
Trev's pick: Wake Forest

Notre Dame (-11.5) at Air Force 400et (CSTV)
Finally, we get to my CSTV magic. Notre Dame gets the participate in the storied tradition of being covered by me, Trev Alberts. I'm looking forward to the crisp mountain air of Colorado. The golden Coors flowing like wine, the Air Force fly-bys, and watching the Irish hate on America. Playing all three service academies? Pfft. Although I will say their schedule could be lighter militarily. They could beat up on the Citadel and VMI. Don't overlook the irony of the Falcons getting dominated in the air by the Irish, I'm out of here.
Trev's pick: Notre Dame

Ok, kid. I'm out for the weekend. I'll take my bags, now, and you have the emergency numbers. If I'm not back by Tuesday, avenge my death.

Trev Alberts has logged over 10,000 air miles this season. He hordes his frequent flyer points like a miserly squirrel.

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Updated: Thursday, November 09, 2006

Sorry for the late post: UL/Rutgers LiveBlog

Trev had me on "button duty" for this shift, so I'm just getting around to this. Seth over at the Fanhouse gave me a heads up on their liveblog of tonight's Louiville/Rutgers game, so here's the link:

#3 Louisville at #15 Rutgers LIVEBLOG at The Fanhouse (EDIT: I think we've got a good link now.)

I know I'll be checking it out here at the office, as we all work late to make sure Trev's suticases are properly packed. Broderick's zeppelin is off in the distance, so I think it's safe to assume he's going to be stopping by at some point to root on the Big East. I think he's rooting for Rugters, but he doesn't really care who wins tonight as long as they do it in dastardly fashion. Enjoy the game and liveblog, and if it comes up, tell them Trev sent you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some numbers to input.

Locke thinks Arrelious Benn is a Maryland lean. nfm*


-irishoutsider

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1 comments

Thursday Night Joy-Joy Fun Time



Herr Alberts, it is a pleasure to see you in such good spirits after Jorg's recent collection visit. I apologize for our rough measures, but you know how it is in our business. Maim first and ask questions later. Don't worry, those cuts should scar up nicely, and we don't think anyone will notice the new irregularities in your thumbs. Petra was much inclined to film your escapades and place them on our companion site, Weltreizvolles freches Abbildung Haus, but we just received an influx of hot Bavarian farm action, and we really should be giving our customers what they want.

Moving onto our remaining business, ihr zicklein has once again to allow to make with point-spread for this evening's football match. So, without further delay, Jorg will now unveil his calculations, which he spent many an evening compelling over. The true anguish of his sleepless nachts are unleashed on this delectable evil sport-line.

Louisville (-6) at Rutgers (747et on the ESPN)

Wonderfully mind-melting, is it not? Again, why is this spread so low? Rutgers is out-classed by the mighty Cardinals, and while the game is at their home, surely Louisville can win by a simple touch goal. Do you really think this game will be close? Could it come down to kicking points? New Jersey is a very hostile place to play your violent American game, and the mere thought of barbaric rage-sport under the stark industrial lights of Piscataway has Petra all a quiver with the depravity of it all. So, doubt yourself, mein wager-menches, and thoroughly rack your brains over Jorg's latest enigma. Feel the torture he felt as you contemplate the various matchups. Louisville is quite soft against the running-type offense, and Rutgers has been giving hotshot wunder-QBs bubonic shakes as of late. The outcome cannot be as certain as it looked even yesterday. Now that you have gazed upon our tantalizing line, you feel compelled to justify your intellect!

To further your confusion, here is a home-brau highlight reel of your favorite new underdog. Believe as they do, and maybe we can crush both of your dreams.



By the way, Herr Alberts, be sure to thank your editor for posting Der UberHasselhoff. The man is a genius.

Welt Sexy Computerspielenhaus is open 24-7 for all of your internet gaming needs. Due to recent EU legislation, human organs are not accepted in debt consolidations.

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