Fire Mark May

Unified Scene

2008-07-27T10:37:00.004-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

It's been a long time coming for something like this, and I can't say the Trev is all too surprised or all too pleased to see it go down like this. Well, I guess it could be all for the best as I'm left to stew here in my own private intertubes, continuing to fight the good fight against whatever the hell it is I feel like fighting today. What can I say? I'm a very angry Trev, but I am also a loving and compassionate Trev. So with this, I tell my young apprentice to go forth and do whatever the heck his flights of fancy send him off to. It will all be over soon, I know The Kid. He'll be all committed and "yes, sir Mr. Alberts" for like a month and a half, next thing you know he's looking up how e can make moeny at home by raising endangered alpacas or some crazy shit like that. The internet will set him free, if he could only sack up and take the plunge.

So good riddance I say! I'll build my own college football blogosphere with blackjack! and hookers! Well, maybe not the blackjack. Anyway, this whole crazy thing is going to keep on keeping on whether you all like it or not, but I'll have to say that the Fire Mark May crusade will be taking on a different form, the next book in the Gospel of the Trev I guess. A corporate merger of sorts with plenty of goodwill from our FightinAmish friend over at that House Rock Built. I seem to be losing my loyal sidekick and stenographer while he goes off an tries his hand at a new "joint" in the Spike Lee/Spike Jonze sense of the word.

Godspeed, kid. I will hunt you down like the wild dog you are and kill you in your sleep, but I mean that in the most respectful way. You all haven't heard the last of the Trev. I swear a binding blood oath to myself to make you rue this day. On my self, I swear it.

2008 CFB: Best New Blog

2008-03-03T13:00:00.006-06:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

It seems the interwebs have found some way back into our dusty corner of the blogosphere, so we might as well put our best face forward for all the shiny cameras and the many peepers that will be gracing our site. Kid! We're calling a truce in the name of this fine sport of college football blogging, and because the Trev can't let the good folks of the web down. Salt of the earth and a true son of these mountains I am.

Now that we've got that exposition out of the way, it's time to give the award for Best New Blog to one of the following New Blogs, on this 2.0 version of tube-casting blogging interactive playground of 80s references and toilet humor. Maybe we're up to 2.3? I don't know, the Trev does not care for such things. Back to linking the nominees, interns, please form the orchestra as planned.

And the winner is, Orson Swindle, for Every Day Should Be Saturday! What? That's not what's going on? I thought we were giving him every award for still writing? No? Not funny? Ok, moving on...you sure we're not giving this thing to that Peter Bean guy? Alright, the winner is...

Black Heart Gold Pants!

I'd like to congratulate the newest members of our fraternal order on their hard work and tireless devotion to keeping that Journey logo on their site. It takes determination and guts to rock the Perry as hard as they do over there, and this red-blooded American Trev salutes them for it. Oops Pow Surprise, Jebus H Christ, and their tireless crew of Iowa Hawkeye fans do their underground lair of Sports Blog Nation proud. It's always good to see a group of fellow fans band together under the common banner of Michigan bashing and general acts of keeping it real. Kudos, sirs, Kudos.

As for the actual award, well there's a little bit of a problem with that. You can take it from my cold, dead, Trev hands! Sure, we have left this once proud meme building engine in neglect, but that doesn't give you whippersnappers the right to just waltz in here and take what is still rightfully mine! You and your daily updates and your weekly traffic numbers and your hard working journalistic integrity...its time to take care of you in the only fashion a botched ceremony turned ambush is allowed...

STEEL FOLDING CHAIR

Sorry for the shenanigans everyone. While he's getting that out of his system, and properly restrained, we'd like to pass the baton to the next award in this year's presentation, Best Looking Blog. Of course, they've got the Pimpala driving longhorn himself, Mr. Bean, to take care of things over at Burnt Orange Nation at 3:00pm.

Again, just want to thank everyone for stopping by and assure you all that the building has suffered only minor structural damage. Drive home safely.

-the kid.

Ezekiel 28:15

2008-01-31T16:44:00.000-06:00

I think its about time we let you all in on the horrifying truth. This charade has gone on too long, months even, with lackluster reporting from the compound. Bloo's figmentatious glee has fallen silent, the Muppets are gathering a fine layer of dust, and I can't remember the last time we sent out the interns for a real dose of mischief. This can all be explained, but I'm going to ask the few loyal Trevians we have left to take the closest seat for this one.

Our Leader has abandoned us.

The Trev, Il Duce Emeritus himself, has fallen like the Morningstar and chosen to wreck vengeance on our beloved blogosphere. Like a tired interwebs metaphor, he is hunting down the noble blogging order and striking them down in the name of the Evil Empire. None shall be spared his wrath, not even Master Swindle.

So, we have hidden in secret. Destroying our own traffic just to lay low in hopes that we may survive the carnage, and putting out only our weakest efforts when necessary to remind all that there is still hope. Rebel forces will once again have a voice in this cold and unyielding future, but until then, we proceed with caution.

Rumors of this site's demise have been greatly exaggerated. Until then, we lie in wait, remembering the good times.

A New Car?

2007-12-20T22:53:00.000-06:00

Bob Barker: All right Coach Rod, since the original Rod is dead, I'm going to have what his name up in the booth let you know what fabulous prize you can win today.

What's-his-name: It's A BCS CHAMPIONSHIP

(Coach Rod hoots and hollers on stage and almost does the worm, but thinks better of it. He proceeds to flip out, point to his lovely wife in the crowd, and gives Bob a big ol' bearhug.)

What's-his-name: That's right, its a 2009 BCS championship! Hand crafted crystal in the crystal mines of deepest darkest Ireland, next year's trophy is exquisitely furnished by the talented trophy smiths of Waterford. This, fully sanctioned NCAA honor can be yours if the Price is Right.

Rod: Me Wantee! (still flailing wildly, he points to wife again, mouths "I love you, baby!")

Bob: Ok, Rod. Now just calm down for a second. In order to get to that BCS title, you're going have to play one of our pricing games, and it just so happens to be a favorite of mine. We're going to play Cliffhanger!

Rod: Alright. Alright. I can do this. Lay it on me, Bob, just lay it on me.

Bob: Ok, Rich. Now, the object of the game is to get the correct amount for the following three items without going over 25. That's all three items, combined, Rich, and as you get them wrong our cliffhanger is going to scale this treacherous trail of his inch by inch. Ok then, Rich?

Rod: I got it, Bob.

Bob: Alright. Random announcer guy, tell us the first item for Rich here today.

Guy: Our first item is a collection of tenured assistant coaches, Bob. The entire staff of former Michigan legend Lloyd Carr from coordinators Ron English and Mike DeBord to the strength guy and decades of experience between them. Hail to the victors with these familiar faces.

Bob: Ok, Rich. how many assistants do you want to keep?

(The crowd comes to life, yelling out an assortment of numbers at a frantic pace. Coach Rod, once again consulting the wife, holds up what appears to be a combination of 5 and 7. It may be sign language. Satisfied with his decision he leans in to Bob's microphone.)

Rod: Zero, Bob! WHOOO!

Bob: Let's see how you did, Rich.

(The cliffhanger climbs his craggly peak, yodeling along his merry way.)

Cliffhanger: Yodelyodely yodley yodley yodely yo de yodley....

Bob: Oh, that's not a good start, Rich! Not a good start at all! Looks like the gentlemen thought you should have kept all of those Michigan men, and that's too bad, Rich. Now, you're going to have to do better on the next item, or else you're just going to dig yourself deeper, and we don't want that, do we Rich?

Rod: No way, Bob!

Bob: No way, indeed, Rich! Now let's hope you'll have better luck with the next item from Guy.

Guy: Our second item today are an assortment junior college transfers, Bob. JUCO brand junior college transfers have been known across the country to provide quick fixes to new and old coaches alike. Whether installing a new offense or defense, or just looking to keep your career rolling, look no further than JUCO brand transfers. JUCO! Because you can!

(Again, the crowd erupts in an orgy of vicarious opinion. Coach Rod once again consults the mob for their input, nods to himself, and turns to Bob for his answer.)

Rod: I think I'm going to shoot for nine, here Bob!

Bob: Nine?

Rod: Yeah, Bob. I'm sure on this one. I don't want to make the same mistake twice.

Bob: Are you sure?

Rod: Yeah, definitely sure.

Bob: Alrighty.

Cliffhanger: Yodelyodely yodley yodley yodely yo de yodley....

Bob: Oh noooooooooooo, Rich.

Rod: SON OF A BITCH!

Bob: That's not the number we needed, Rich. We needed a low number! We needed a low number! Zero would have likely been best! It seems we've got ourselves into quite a jam here.

Rod: It certainly sucks, Bob.

Bob: Yes, it does. But, the good news is that you've still got a chance on our last item. Guy?

Guy: Our last items today are a pile of Letters of Intent. 2008 Letters of Intent from a perennially stout Michigan recruiting class. Well into the teens, this crop of potential Midwestern talent would do well for any program hoping to compete on a national stage.

Bob: Now, Rich. We're going to ask you to do something a little bit different here, so listen carefully. How many of those letters do you think you can keep? How many of those letters do you think you can keep?

(The crowd bursts into opinion one last time. Coach Rod is in a frenzy. His eyes darting all around the crowd for the correct answer. He finally settles on ignoring them all together and motions to Bob confirm in his answer.)

Rod: All of them Bob.

Bob: All of them is not a number, Rich.

Rod: I don't care! ALL OF THEM!

Bob: I don't know about this. I'm going to have to ask the gentlemen for a ruling. Gentlemen, can we accept "All of Them?"

(A car horn blares over the PA, signaling approval of the answer.)

Bob: Ok

Cliffhanger: Yodelyodely yodley yodley yodely yo de yodley....

Bob: Oh no....Oh dear. This doesn't look good for you Rich.

Rod: AW HAYSTACKS!

(A trombone plays the well known Price is Right theme in a minor key, as is its wont. Coach Rod has lost.)

Bob: Cheer up, Rich. We'll see you right after these words to spin the Wheel of Death.

FireMarkMay watches too much daytime television.

Return to Sneakyness

2007-12-04T13:48:00.001-06:00

By Broderick West Quinnsington IV
Local Ne'er Do Well

BWAH-HAHAHAHAAH! NYAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Just when you think I had been long forgotten, swept off into the ether of old news, I return, triumphantly to expose my deception, trickery, and other forms of dastardly derring-do! Most of my work has been done in secret this year, as my efforts have focused on revenge against those who spurn true talent! How else does one believe the Miami Dolphins could be so horrible in the face of mind-numbing parity in the professional leagues? No matter! But, I will suggest everyone take a look at the iron-cladness of Cam Cameron's contract, not to mention which mustache-twirling notary public has aided in sealing the fate of the franchise.

ENOUGH! Let us get back to the business at hand. Long has my trickeration been absent from these halls. Oh, how they echo with the howls of agony and the cruelty of past defeats. I only wish I could have been around more this season, but it seems I had been undercut by other less expensive forms of chaos. All of these upsets seemed to go on unaided by my own hand, but I would like to take some credit in pioneering the evil footballing arts. So, without further adieu, get me some interns to wheel in my Wheel of Death! Interns? Anyone? Hello? Fiddlesticks, Ill just do it myself...damn it all! Look at what they've done to you, my precious wheel, all dusty and what not, and it seems Mr. Alberts may have used you as a water closet at some point. Let's clean you up....

BEHOLD THE WHEEL OF DEATH!!!!!!!

Tremble at the sight of it! My glorious wheel has spun and spun, leaving the whole of the BCS system in upheaval! Revel in the fetid stench of corruption as this bowl season gives us such feats of despondence!

The Fat Man, in all of his corpulence, graces this year's BCS despite losing to once top-ranked Missouri and having a pitiful strength of schedule! Sure, Mizzou lost last, you might say, but only because they defeated the Jayhawks! Now, they must be exiled to the lesser bowls, unable to reap in the benefits of national exposure, despite being ranked higher in the BCS! Clearly, the largesse of Mangino has perswadded blazer-clad organizers that Kansas is a larger draw than Missouri. Be conpuzzled by the thought! This leaves Missouri in the long-forgotten Cotton Bowl against....

THE CERTIFIABLE HOUSTON NUTT! At least we think. The man known only as crazier than a sack full of weasels makes my black heart smile with his duplicity. He will possibly lead his Arkansas Razorbacks in Dallas, but one thinks what could have been of Mizzou had the cruel BCS not been involved. A good showing might have allowed them to back into some kind of champeenship under the old system, now they have no chance at a long shot, and a meaningless exhibition trip to the Texas State Fairgrounds! Extol their cruel fate I shall! Speaking of cruel fate, behold my henchman in the chaos....

The malevolent Wannstache! Only his boorish backyard brawling could deliver the death blow to the noble couchburners of the Appalachias! Their late season stumble contributed to the bubbling cesspool of the final results, and their reward for such failure is a BCS bid, but there is another cruel twist, for they must head to Tempe to face a team that knows it all too well...

The Oklahoma Sooners, out for revenge in the desert, will surely be ready to crush all who oppose them into a fine powder. Pepper their porridge they will, and the remaining allure of biggest non-title matchup will crumble twixt their pestle and mortar, leaving us with the final display of BCS incompetence from none other than the Baron of Incompetence himself!

The coach without a name! The [Fighting Redacted] have stumbled their way into the Rose Bowl, thanks mainly to the embarrassment that is the Michigan Wolverines and the overall bore that a rematch with SC would invite. This leaves the orange-clad neophytes being thrown to the lion's den itself, the granddaddy of them all, the winter home of the Trojan Horde. They are out of their weight class in this one, and I don't think the various wagering houses can devise a line high enough to handicap their fortunes. I wager a whole two pence that at least 5 former Indian chiefs will be torn asunder into little itty-bitty pieces by the end of the fixture!

This leaves us with the relatively unexciting coronation of my favorite familiar, the werewolf with a chained saw for genitalia!
Behold as it is gifted a title match in its own domicile! The darkened skies will foreshadow the coming of thousands upon thousands of local fans that are both raging and of Cajun descent. The unending wails of the Buckeyes shall know no bounds as they are once again humiliated on the largest stage, shaming themselves and their conference once more! So it is written! SO SPINS THE WHEEL OF DEATH!

Broderick West Quinnsington IV is a charlatan of the highest order. His zeppelin is currently in the shop.

Week 14 Trevonics: Championosity

2007-11-30T13:00:00.000-06:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Oh for Pete's sake! Is this season over yet? There has been so much craziness, so much sheer ridiculousness, I mean Missouri, MISSOURI!, of all people, are number 1, that the Trev has just had too much awesome overloading his Trev circuits. Its almost too much for anyone to bear, and admittedly, I have been in an extended weakened state due to the excessive drinking that accompanies said understanding of the 2007 season. So, without further excusing, procrastinating, or superfluosity, the scoreboard entering the homestretch!

Week 13 Results:
Against the Spread: 10-5
Straight Up: 9-6

Season to date:
Against the Spread: 96-102-3
Straight Up: 138-61

The dream of being somewhat respectable against the demon spread is still within reach for me, loyal Trevians. With a good showing in this championship weekend, I can claim at least parity with the foul German gamblers and declare moral victory in the face of such incredulous results. I'm going to save the Trev-polls for when the dust settles, but its pretty much academic in certain regards. Missouri wins and theyre in. Same for West Virginia. After that? Well, we might just have to consult our long lost ne'er do well to fill us in on his secret dastardly plans.

Virginia Tech (-7) over Boston College
The glorious ACC title game in sunny Jacksonville County! Scenic vistas, hard fought football, and plentiful cabs, all huddled around a vibrant urban nightlife! Not one thing I have said those two sentences is the least bit true. I. Effing. Hate. Jacksonville. The lazy bastards couldn't even name their individual towns and cities. Yes, I know thats a copout excuse, but I can't think of any good reason to defend this "largest city." VT over BC in a walk, once again embarrassing the ACC in what I hope will traditionally become the "forgotten" title game.
Trev's pick: Virginia Tech

Louisiana State (-7.5) over Tennessee
Behold, the last ride of Les Miles and his immortal chainsaw. I'm not adding to the speculation of his participation in the always twirling SEC coaching carousel, but this may very well be the last we see of the werewolf geauxrilla lacerating hybrid that are the LSU Tigers, at least in a meaningful game. The so-called Super Bowl of The Southland, so-called by the Me, is going to be rough, its going to be tough, but its not going to be close. LSU is going to be in "go big or go home" mode attempting to 2-loss their way into the title game by brute force. This reduces the chance of this game being decided on a last minute field goal, and more likely by multiple scores.
Trev's pick: Louisiana State

UCLA (+20) over Southern Cal
I know. I know. I KNOW! UCLA is just absolutely horrible. I really can't argue anyway around it, as their only memorable games are beating a hobbled Oregon and losing to Notre Dame. However, the state of college football at this moment has allowed this game to determine the PAC-10 champion. Granted, the Bruins don't control their own destiny, but they wear the underdog hat so well, especially against the Trojans, that this game is going to be closer than most think. The Trojan Horde offense may be once again fully operational, but I can't discount the Dorrell shoulder chip. I won't split the pick on the merit of the chaos this game could cause.
Trev's pick: UCLA

Oregon State (even) over Oregon
Oregon is a broken team. They are physically broken in the matter of Mr. Dixon's leg, and spiritually broken that now that they have a Pac-10 Leaf brother under center. Although Brady Leaf probably isn't getting 100% of the snaps, and why should he, his mere presence on the two-deep casts a deathly pallor on the proceedings. Where once this game would have been Ducks -14.5, now we have the Pacific Northwest's Civil War at a pick 'em. This is our season, Go Beavers!
Trev's pick: Oregon State

West Virginia (-28.5) over Pittsburgh
I will only say this to the scrappy Mountaineers: this line is more than about covering. This line is the bar to the national title game. If you cannot clear this bar, WfnVU, you open the door to all kinds of shenanigans Sunday morning, and I don't just mean the activities or your average post game holding cell. Take care of business, and there are no excuses. Slit the Wannstache's throat, spread option style.
Trev's pick: West Virginia

Oklahoma (-3) over Missouri
You may even want to chalk this one up as a reverse jinx, as earlier in the season, Missouri looked like they could run right along side the Sooner Schooner. A few bad bounces either way, and the Sooners might not have been even in this game, let alone the national title discussion. Not so fast my friends, the Tigers still play in the North, so that marks them for a blowout of Big XII Title proportions. Doing my best Bill Swerski impression, Sooners 385-Tigers tree.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma

Arizona State (-7) over Arizona
Ladies and gentlemen, your potential PAC-10 champions, the Arizona State Sun Devils! Volcano golfcarts for all! Hail Satan! If ASU can take care of business and UCLA pulls the improbable once more, the Best Ever Death Metal Band out of Tempe is headed to Pasadena. They get the pick just on that merit, and all of the Erickson stories Ill get to watch for the next month. Hail Satan!
Trev's pick: Arizona State

Hawaii (-14.5) over Washington
The Vicious Animals get a psuedo-bowl game against the Warriors....and that's about all there is to that. Has there ever been 3000 yards of total offense in a single game?
Trev's pick: Hawaii

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. He regrets nothing.

This Year

2007-11-23T23:16:00.000-06:00

I broke free on a Saturday morning
I put the pedal to the floor
headed north on mills avenue
and listened to the engine roar

my broken house behind me
and good things ahead
a girl named Cathy
wants a little of my time
six cylinders underneath the hood
crashing and kicking
aha!
listen to the engine whine

i am going to make it through this year
if it kills me
i am going to make it though this year
if it kills me

i played video games in a drunken haze
i was seventeen years young
hurt my knuckles punching the machines
the taste of scotch rich on my tongue

and then Cathy showed up
and we hung out
trading swigs from a bottle
all bitter and clean
locking eyes
holding hands
twin high maintenance machines

i am going to make it through this year
if it kills me
i am going to make it though this year
if it kills me

i drove home in the California dusk
i could feel the alcohol inside of me hum
pictured the look on my stepfather's face
ready for the bad things to come
i down shifted
as i pulled into the driveway
the motor screaming out
stuck in second gear
the scene ends badly
as you might imagine
in a cavalcade of anger and fear

there will be feasting and dancing
in Jerusalem next year

i am going to make it through this year
if it kills me
i am going to make it though this year
if it kills me

-irishoutsider

Week 13 Turkey-fried Trevonics

2007-11-20T21:05:00.000-06:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Distractions, drinking, an abridged prognostication week, and all sorts of other fantastical excuses are in store for this post of all trades, loyal followers. Sorry for the Bloo-ness of last week, but he distracted me with a cup and ball, and then we played for the site in a rousing game of marbles. Damn bastard plays keepsies, and he plays it to the bone. Before we get back on the Trevonic Horse, let's reset the major errors made both in actual football and imaginary polling. For those who took my little azul friend serious...you have to live with that.

Kansas
Louisiana State
Missouri
West Virginia
Ohio State
Arizona State
Georgia
Virginia Tech
Oregon
Oklahoma
Southern Cal
Florida
Boston College
Hawaii
Texas
Tennessee
Illinois
Virginia
Boise State
UCONN
Clemson
Wisconsin
South Florida
Texas Tech
Cincinnati

Its just that time of year when logic is overridden by losses, freak injuries break the ties, and I keep teams like Texas in the purgatory they deserve. I'm not fair, but I certainly am tough, and if I'm not tough, I'm certainly phony tough and crazy brave, that special kind of crazy reserved only for those in the throes of desperation. Now for the scoreboard! We're keeping the season to date, its like when Corso takes a sick day, the last of which I believe was in 1986. Antioxidants, kids, antioxidants.

Season to date:
Against the Spread: 86-97-3
Straight Up: 129-55

There's only one way to dig out of this ATS hole this week. Well actually, there are several: toast, pretzel sticks, popcorn, and jelly beans.

LSU (-12) over Arkansas
Texas (-5) over Texas A&M
Boise State (+3.5) over Hawaii
Virginia Tech (-3.5) over Virginia
Tennessee (+3) over Kentucky
BYU (-4.5) over Utah
Georgia (-3.5) over Georgia Tech
West Virginia (-17) over Connecticut
Oklahoma (-11.5) over Oklahoma State
Oregon (-2) over UCLA
Florida (-14) over Florida State
South Carolina (+2.5) over Clemson
Cincinnati (-20) over Syracuse
Auburn (-6) over Alabama
Kansas (-2) over Missouri

Trev Alberts is not a recognized Blogpoller. He no longer has the motor skills to play ping pong.

Week 12 Bloo-vonics!

2007-11-16T17:48:00.000-06:00

By Blooregard Q. Kazoo
Staff Figment

You probably thought Old Trev forgot about you, loyal Trevians. Well, he did. So we're still letting the imaginations run wild around here, ie moi, so strap it down for another run through this week's Trevonics, Bloo-vonics. The big man is obviously too drunk, lazy, or probably a combination of both with a dash of cowardice, to run down this week's Top 25 matchups, so I'm going to take a crack at some of the progostickleing. Let me get out MY scoreboard...

Bloo's scoreboard
Season to date:
Straight Up: probably-not
Against The Spread: delicious-orange-marmalade

I'm going to shun the traditional top 25 model and go straight to my favorite games of this week, the rivalries! If your rivalry or other so-called important game isn't on here, too bad! Produce a trophy or step aside!

Illinois over Northwestern
We start with one of the coolest arbitrary trophies out there, the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk. Now, I'm not one for research, but I'm getting the feeling that the collected mediocrity between these two teams have kept things pretty much level over the years. However, this year the Wildcats are really sucking wind compared to the latest version of [redacted], so I have to favor said [fighting redacted]. Sorry, Northwestern, but there's not enough heart in those awesome purple jerseys to pull this one out. Them's the breaks. Maybe if you had a more tribal mascot, you could pull off the upset.

Purdue over Indiana
I want to know what the Old Oaken Bucket is traditionally used for. Not necessarily the trophy per se, but what exactly are we meant to imply the purpose of said bucket? Horse feed? Water transportation? Spittoon? Chamber pot? Carny puke pail?!? The possibilities are astounding. I like the Boilers over the Hoosiers in this game, especially if we're talking about a possibly carnival themed bucket. All of those rides need skilled engineers to keep the rides running, especially the miniature railroad and that spinny flippy not quite a ferris wheel zippy thing that makes everyone ralph on their safety harnesses. WHOO!

Michigan State over Penn State
The state of Michigan sure has a lot of Land Grant issues with their neighbors, even the ones the don't directly touch. I guess its all a ploy to create some kind of tradition in the Big Ten...but maybe I'm thinking about this too much. I know that either team can only look forward to winning an arbitrary trophy of indeterminate size over the other for the remainder of this season.

Wisconsin over Minnesota
I would like to point out right now the connection between the two traditional trophies in this rivalry matchup: Paul Bunyan's Axe and The Slab of Bacon. One hand just washes the other now, doesn't it. Man, back in the day a slab of bacon must have been worth more than a slab of gold, what with all of the salty deliciousness it contained therein. What a great way to sustain oneself over the course of a bitter Northern winter than the bacon of one's enemy. Succulent. Now, the victors get to swing around a freaking axe! That is just ridiculous! Who doesn't like axes? Minnesota better like them a whole lot, because they are going to get a metaphoric axe right between the eyes when Wisconsin gets done with them. The Gophers are horrible, and they will make a fine salted game meat.

Ohio State over Michigan
Of course, the rivalry of all rivalries, The Game between The Ohio State and The Bluey Blue Skunkbears of Michigan. I have to vote against my brothers from another mother here. Besides, I refuse to recognize that compromised shade of Navy as part of the true bloo family. Combined with that dirty corny yellowy "miaze" they mince around up there? P U! THE Buckeyes, the lesser of two evils, and likely the better team, get the nod in this one, if only I get to the see film of the post-game festivities on Cops, America's Most Wanted, To Catch a Predator, and all of those fine reality law-enforcement procedurals that clutter my television.

Boise State over Idaho
Idaho is totally going down! WHOOOOOOO! GO BRONCOS! BLOO! BLOO! BLOO! My Boys! Man, I love those crazy Boise-onians and their sweetest playing surface ever. I would go there myself for a game or two, but I'm sure they would confuse me for some extra bloo sod or some kind of spirit banner. Idaho is no match for the Big Bloo Machine of the Broncos. The trophy is an afterthought....because they're not touching it. If they do, I'm going up there with my potato gun and taking no prisoners.

Duke over Notre Dame
Finally, the lamest rivalry of them all, the battle of aspirational peers! I like the Blue Devils in this one for obvious reasons, and besides, what better way to keep the streak alive at Notre Dame! Why ruin a perfectly good winless home season with a victory! Don't mess with history!

Bloo is FireMarkMay's official imaginary union rep. He has successfully lobbied for "More S'more Fridays."

Week 12 Bloo-poll!

2007-11-14T12:35:00.000-06:00

By Blooregard Q. Kazoo
Staff Figment

I'm free! Ahahahahahaha! My brilliant plan of distracting Trev and the kid with alcohol and Xbox has worked to perfection. Now its time for some imaginary fun with your old buddy Bloo. Let's see what's on the docket today....mock naval battles, no.....lighting things on fire....no.....hmm...what the heck is on this darn to do list. Week 12 Blogpoll....and.....that's it?! Where's the whimsy? Where's the fun? Where's the unjustified hate of popular college football figures? And where are the Kitten Civil War reenactments?

Oh well, I guess if this is all we've got then it will have to do. But, I'm warning all of you, this is MY Blogpoll, my BLOO-poll, so I don't want to hear any cry babies going on and on and on about how theyre favorite team got the boot, or that I'm not respecting their school enough....blah blah blah. Boring! We're going to do this my way, and its going to be pretty darn clear who's in charge this week.....

Week 12 Bloopoll

Kansas
Oklahoma
Missouri
Louisiana State
West Virginia
Oregon
Arizona State
Southern Cal
Virginia Tech
Boise State
Ohio State
Hawaii
Clemson
Georgia
Florida
Illinois
Tennessee
Virginia
Texas
Kentucky
Cincinnati
Connecticut
Wisconsin
Auburn
Duke!

Ta Da! It would almost make a little bit of sense if I had any sense. Whoo!! Look at that lineup! What a great way to talk about this crazy season. I'm sure there's a bunch of people who would like this year to be imaginary, but this is the best we can do. Up is down, down is up, and we're all twirling, twirling!, towards the splendid bowl season. I cant wait to see some of these perfectly normal teams playing northern bowl games weeks before Xmas! Hahahahaha!

Let's get to the method of my madness:

The top 5: Kansas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Louisiana State, West Virginia
There's at least some kind of logic, albeit twisted right here at the top. First things first, the Jayhawks have pretty colors, an even prettier record, and the coolest fat man this side of Santa Claus. He is just resplendent, isn't he? Mangino in a track suit kind of looks like that Violet Bouregard gal in Willy Wonka. Amazing. They didn't lose to Colorado, so Oklahoma has to take a back seat, but they beat Missouri, so that explains that. The Big XII might actually be in the drivers seat for once. Louisiana State comes in after that knot, as the chainsaw is still so much fun to write about. West Virginia didn't have their schedule, but who doesn't like a good knifewrench? KNIFEWRENCH!

The next 5: Oregon, Arizona State, Southern Cal, Virginia Tech, Boise State
Now we start getting un-rational. Oregon is fun to watch, but they ain't a knifewrench, sorry guys. I hope the sweet uniforms get you some points in the real polls. Arizona State is up here as they are a staple Xbox team in the office....we don't know why....Southern Cal comes so lamely predictably at 8, but only because I can't really drop them much further. Besides, extra points for NCAA infractions! RUMOR MONGERING! YAY!!!!!!! VT had a tough go this year, so its hard to drop them any further either....I mean, they lost to the chainsaw and that ridiculous Matt Ryan business. Boise State, my boys, round out the top ten. Sure, they lost to the vicious animals, but they are still super awesome and might get to play a concussed Colt Brennan!

The middle 10: Ohio State, Hawaii, Clemson, Georgia, Florida, Illinois, Tennessee, Virginia, Texas, Kentucky
Alrighty, Ohio State falls here because I don't like them. There, I said it! It's my poll and I can do what I want. You lose to redacted, you get the horns. Hawaii comes in behind my Broncos because I don't like them.....no one cares? Moving on. Clemson is head and speedy shoulders above the rest of these speedy teams because there's nothing we like more than fluky ACC teams with blue as a secondary color...or is it purple....now even I'm confused. Next, we rank the orange teams, Florida, Illinois, Tennessee, Virginia, and Texas, also in order of how awesome I think they are. Illinois gets extra points for kicking out the Buckeyes, Texas gets knocked back for not impressing me ever. Kentucky rounds out the end because I enjoy their jerseys, their offensive fireworks, and would draft them all in fantasy if I had a legitimate pool.

The last 5: Cincinnati, UCONN, Wisconsin, Auburn, Duke
Cincinnati and UCONN are practically the same team. If I offered them both ice cream, they'd both say yes, so let's not split hairs here. Wisconsin gets major props for defeating my most hated of the blue, non-bloo, family of teams, the smelly smelly skunkbears. Auburn sneaks into the rear because they can win the big game. Finally, rounding out the crazy, I give 1 vote to Duke! Don't act so shocked.

The mysterious remains: Brigham Young, South Florida, Air Force
Mormons! Bulls! Flying Zamboni Squadrons! Er....Falcons! Why not? These teams are so cool....do I have to explain myself? Crazy offense, hand signals \m/ , and the entire freaking Air Force!

Bloo is FireMarkMay.com's official figment. He is currently having tea and cake with the Vicar of Imaginationland.

Week 11 Blogpoll/Trevonics: On the Road Again?

2007-11-07T17:01:00.001-06:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

We're compressing posts all of the place, my loyal lemmings of football knowledge. The kid is out there "finding himself" or some other kind of lame new age crap this weeekend. I don't know. Something to do with Himalayan shamans and those weird Scandinavian midget guide business or something. Maybe he's just sick of me and is already abusing my new mental health vacation policies. These are the kinds of things that are important when your staff is normally run by a bunch of figments of the imagination. On top of that, there's that whole bombing of ImaginationLand that's really cramping production around here, not to mention that the Muppet Newscaster is out picketing for the Writers' Guild for reasons only known to him. Anyway, we're going to take a look at the sections of polled blognostery, then some quick picks.

Ohio State
Louisiana State
Oregon
Kansas
Oklahoma
Missouri
West Virginia
Arizona State
Boston College
Virginia Tech
Hawaii
Connecticut
Georgia
Southern Cal
Florida
Texas
Boise State
Auburn
Alabama
Clemson
Virginia
Tennessee
Kentucky
Florida State
California

The breakdown:
The top 5: Ohio State, Louisiana State, Orgeon, Kansas, Oklahoma -
Ohio State takes the lead yet again as the world's most boring #1 team. Only some team from Michigan stands in their way from rolling into the title game with nary a scratch on them. The chainsaw and the duck is more that just a bedtime story Papa Alberts used to read to me in my youth. This time around, the chainsaw's conference buddies may not be enough to get it past a PAC-1o champion duck. Of course, in the story, the townspeople all rigged their votes in the end anyway, so the predictions were all thrown to hell. Kansas has a legitimate claim to spoil everything if they can run the table, but that would involve a Big XII Champion from the little known North division. Oklahoma stands in their way, rounding out the top 5 for destroying Mizzou.

The next 5: Missouri, West Virginia, Arizona State, Boston College, Virginia Tech-
Things begin to sort themselves out now. Missouri has a chance to scratch and claw its way past the Jayhawks into the Big XII title game. West Virginia is the best team in this crazy Big East season. Arizona State could give the Mountaineers a game, but I'm sure they've their ranking between WfnVU and BC. BC is a falling dagger ladies and gentlemen. Its time to play for Matt Ryan's Heisman, and its basically the Dolphins model from the Marino years. Look that up, see how it worked out. Virginia Tech is doing what Virginia Tech does.

The middle 10: Hawaii, UCONN, UGA, Southern Cal, Florida, Texas, Boise State, Auburn, Alabama, Clemson-
The fine logjam of a dilly of a jam of a pickle down here in the middle ten. Hawaii, UCONN, and UGA are doing all they can to get some notice, but its just not happening these days. The Huskies still have a chance to make some waves if they get past Cincy and West Virginia. If they do that, no reason they shouldnt have at least the Mountaineers current ranking. SC>Florida>Texas in the remaining class of the blogpoll, with Boise State ahead of the next tier by means of their resume. Bama has been playing well, but I still think Auburn can win the Iron Bowl this year (and maybe ruin Georgia's season too). Clemson ran so fast, I couldn't put them any lower.

The last 5: Virginia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Florida State, California-
In the last 5, resumes are ruling the roost. What else can I say if I'm ranking the Cavaliers ahead of all of these teams? I'll just point out how far Cal has fallen and move on.

The mysterious remains:
Cincinnati, Illinois, Arkansas-
Three teams that still have the opportunities to do some serious damage to their conferences and cobble together some kind of respectable season. They're all having "good" years, but they are on the precipice of OK. I'm looking at you, Arkansas.

Now for the quickened picks:

Wisconsin (+2.5) over Michigan
Clemson (-9) over Wake Forest
Missouri (-19.5) over Texas A&M
Tennessee (even) over Arkansas
Alabama (-5) over Mississippi State
Kentucky (-3.5) over Vanderbilt
Boise State (-24) over Utah State
Virginia Tech (-6.5) over Florida State
Ohio State (-15) over Illinois
Texas Tech (+6.5) over Texas, Texas to win
Cincinnati (-6.5) over UCONN
Arizona State (-7) over UCLA
Auburn (+2) over Georgia
Oklahoma (-38) over Baylor
Virginia (+3.5) over Miami(FL)
Florida (-6.5) over South Carolina
Kansas (-6) over Oklahoma State
Louisiana Tech (+36.5) over Louisiana State, LSU to win
California (+4) over Southern Cal
Boston College (-6.5) over Maryland
Hawaii (-17.5) over Fresno State
Air Force (-3) over Notre Dame

Trev Alberts is not a recognized Blogpoller. His gets migraines when he does it too much.

Week 10 Rundown

2007-11-06T13:22:00.000-06:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

I'll start this week's Rundown with the end Navy 46-Notre Dame 44. Trev loves him some America, and the kid loves him some Notre Dame, but in the end, what a glorious day for our Naval Academy. I'm sure the plebes celebrated as much as did Saturday night, flooding the office in contraband and leaving our editor with the thankless ceremony of cleaning up after the fruits of my largesse. I think he really appreciated us going all out for the celebration of this glorious streak. I mean, hell, he's already packed his bags again. Hey kid, before you hit the road again, could you mind getting those interns to wheel in my scoreboard?

Week 10 Results
Against the Spread: 12-7-2
Straight Up: 13-8

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 76-86-3
Straight Up: 113-51

The scrap to .500 and later awesome domination continues, but first we need to get level against Herr Spread. Meanwhile, the straight up still looking pretty damn dead sexy. On to the mostly boring slate of this weekend. We've got a whole lot of mismatches, close games that should have been mismatches, and out of nowhere mismatches. Damn it, Nebraska....

Ohio State 38-Wisconsin 17
A methodical pasting of the Big Ten morning order. The Buckeye schedule weakens by the day, and they are the odds on favorite to be the least challenged #1 team ever....until the title game.

Clemson 47-Duke 10
Basketball....Basketball....Basketball....just keep muttering to yourselves Blue Devils.

Virginia 17-Wake Forest 16
Virginia is the New Wake Forest? Should I even care? Can we at least get them to short circuit Boston College out of the ACC title game? Is that even possible? I dont really care?

Florida 49-Vanderbilt 22
Oh yeah....that's right....Florida is really good, aren't they? And....I learned something today.

Kansas 76-Nebraska 39
WOW! We gave up 76 points? And Mangino ate a giant wheel of cheese?!? I'm not even mad, that's amazing! Callahan, we hardly knew ye. Man. We are not good.

Georgia 44-Troy 34
This is why I hate on the 'Dawgs. You have to cover against Troy. Must cover.

Boise State 42-San Jose State 7
Fair play to Boise State. I think this makes them better than Hawaii, and potential WAC at-large spoiler.

Texas 38-Oklahoma State 35
Texas keeps managing to win, and I keep managing to find ways to not give them any credit for them.

Michigan 28-Michigan State 24
Hey, remember when this game mattered for Michigan State? Yeah, that was a great week back in September. Michigan, keep reaching for that NIT.

Cincinnati 38-South Florida 33
Oh my stars! Would you look at that! The Kiss of Death for the Bulls continues, and the Big East refs decided to stop being socialist for the first time in almost a month.

Tennessee 59-UL Lafayette 7
See Georgia? That's how you beat your random non-SEC game in November.

Louisiana State 41-Alabama 34
The Tigers escape the hellmouth of Tuscaloosa, the revenge of the Dark Lord Saban, and head on to the defacto #2 in America. They better keep it up, or they might just get leaped by the Ducks.

Missouri 55-Colorado 10
These Tigers sure are an interesting bunch too. They're smoking Big XII North teams like they were in the South. I'm ready for a Mizzou rematch with OU in the conference title game, if only because the BCS implications would be insane.

Oregon 35-Arizona State 23
I'm still not ready to call these Ducks for real. I mean, the PAC-10 is certainly winnable, but are they better than the chainsaw? That's too close of a call for Week 10. Arizona State however, is back on the road to being disproven.

Connecticut 38-Rutgers 19
The Big East refs are back to their senses! UCONN, the 1-loss team the power conferences love to hate, continues to chug along. Rutgers, on the other hand, remains a disappointment. Well, to last year at least. Two years ago, and everyone would think they were improving.

Oklahoma 42- Texas A&M 14
It's really sad that these days its a no-brainer that the Aggies won't be competitive. How many negatives did I cram into that sentence? I'm not entirely sure, but its still not enough to express the sucktitude of Coach Fran these days.

Arkansas 48- South Carolina 36
Games like this keep Darren McFadden in the Heisman race. I'm not saying he's a bad running back. No sir, not at all. He is still Humanity Advanced, but it makes it hard to really defend those gaudy numbers he puts up when he gets like 500 of them between two games. I am surprised that he lit up the normally stout 'Cock D, but there are still games where he disappears.

Southern Cal 24 - Oregon State 3
The Trojans beat the Beavers! The Trojans beat the Beavers! Do you believe in miracles? Yawn.

Florida State 24 - Boston College 17
The Seminoles beat the Eagles! The Seminoles beat the Eagles! Do you belive in miracles?! YES! That's more like it. Big massive, hearty props to everyones favorite Floridian tribe as they end this long national nightmare. No more does the concept of BC leaping LSU or Oregon enter anyone's mind. Go home, Boston College. Don't worry, we'll turn out the lights.

Navy 46-Notre Dame 44
The every falling bottom for Notre Dame. Oh, the kid is in good and proper agony, but more on that somewhere else on this fine interwebs. We're all still having to clean up the mess I made in celebration of his torment. Media room? Totally flooded for mock naval battle. Bloo and I decided to recreate that scene in 300 with the Persian Navy, er half the Persian Navy, er that part where a whole bunch of stuff sank. Maybe it was in Troy. I dont remember, I just remember that we need to get new carpeting in here before the mold starts writing articles on its own. Gigantic 43 year old high five to the aquatically inclined armed services. Ram Vela, whose name shall live on in infamy as "that guy that made that sack and also sounds like an Indiana Jones villain," makes a ginormous play that you've probably seen a thousand times by now. The guys vaults his blocker and goes full Superman on Evan Sharpley. Superman, the superhero, not superman as half-brother to "supersoaking that ho" as the young people like to describe these days in song. We looked that up in UrbanDicitonary, and let me tell you, you people are sick! Anyway, back to Navy. So much better than Notre Dame. How did it come to this?

Trev Alberts is a licensed football rundowner. He can go straight to hell.

Happy Halloween

2007-10-31T13:23:00.000-05:00

Our creditors are allowing us to show this video in repayment of Trev's massive gambling debts this season. Apologies in advance. Damn you Welt Sexy Computerspeilenhaus.

-irishoutsider

Week 10 Trevonics

2007-10-30T21:04:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Shock and awe for my loyal followers! A Trevonics by Odin's day? MADNESS! To be honest, its cause we're ditching this Popsicle stand yet again this weekend, as the kid is still roaming the Earth like that Kung FU guy in the wake of this awful Notre Dame season. Meanwhile, we had to make sure we didn't leave our cult following without another dose of the Trev. Scoreboard, ho!

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 64-79-1
Straight Up: 100-43

Ohio State (-15.5) over Wisconsin
3 months ago, I had this game circled on the calendar. Wisconsin on the rise, blah blah blah, and Ohio State not exactly lighting the world on fire. Well, the Buckeyes still aren't doing anything more than the ruthlessly methodical grinding of thier opponents into a thick Midwestern paste. The Badgers will be turned into the latest dumpling.
Trev's pick: Ohio State

Clemson (-16) over Duke
Its basketball season now, right? DONE!
Trev's pick: Clemson

Virginia (even) over Wake Forest
UVA is the new Wake Forest. You bore me, Demon Deacons. Off to basketball season with you as well!
Trev's pick: Virginia

Vanderbilt (+16) over Florida
These Commodores are no pushovers, sirs. They can sling it, and they can hang with their conference big brothers. 16 points is too damn much for a day game at The Swamp, but Ill split the pick.
Trev's pick: Vanderbilt to cover, Florida to win

Kansas (-19) over Nebraska
Oh, where is the horse and the rider? How did it come to this? The fat man, he comes for the Huskers, in the afternoon, and in the clanging and gnashing of husking shall echo into the still night, in a flurry of velour and awesomeness.
Trev's pick: Kansas

Georgia (-16.5) over Troy
I've been been doing what they call "hating" on the Dawgs this season, but this won't be a challenge for them
Trev's pick: Georgia

San Jose State (+25.5) over Boise State
Watch out for San Jose State, they can put up some points, and they've given Hawaii a good scare this year. Boise State, on the other hand, is still "that team that lost to Washington." I think you know where I stand.
Trev's pick:San Jose State

Oklahoma State (+3) over Texas
I'm still riding this to hell. Texas is still not impressing me this year. Heck, they almost lost to my Huskers for crying out loud. This one could be a shootout, and I favor the Cowboys, as is the style at this time.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma State

Michigan (-4) over Michigan State
Sigh. Michigan is good again. Its not cool to root for Michigan State anymore. Just root for the Skunkbears to bring their Appalachian Stink to the Rose Bowl.
Trev's pick: Michigan

South Florida (-4) over Cincinnati
New law of the Big East: screw the team with fewer losses.
Trev's pick: South Florida

Tennessee (-29.5) over LA Lafayette
Ugh. Why is there a line? Now I have to be somewhat concerned with this game. Its November! How is this even happening?
Trev's pick: Tennessee

Alabama (+7.5) over Louisiana State
Hmm. The Revenge of the Saban? Isn't it really the revenge of the Chainsaw? Louisiana State is very angry, and I don't like pissing off any mythological creatures with power tools for members. This is an SEC rivalry game of the highest order, so I'm taking the points and splitting the pick.
Trev's pick: Alabama to cover, Louisiana State to win

Missouri (-3.5) over Colorado
This feels like a trap line, like someone on the inside knows coach Hawkins is planning on spiking the Mizzou Kool-Aid or something, but I have to go with the likelihood that the Tigers could still hang 50 on the Buffs while under the influence.
Trev's pick: Missouri

Oregon (-7) over Arizona State
Its put up or shut up time for Arizona State, where they go from one possibly lucky win to rising to meet a second challenge. They get by Oregon in Autzen, and they have a legitimate shot at running the table...REALLY?
Trev's pick: Oregon

Rutgers (+2.5) over Connecticut
Big East screwjob number....I've lost track...I think this will be number four by then.
Trev's pick: Rutgers

Oklahoma (-21) over Texas A&M
The Aggies are still playing football this year? What with all of the turmoil and rumors and whatnot, I lost track of if they were any good. Judging by the line, I'm guessing no, and I'll have to stick with Oklahoma and their awesomeness.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma

South Carolina (+4.5) over Arkansas
Also in the "hey, they were supposed to be kind of good, right?" is Arkansas. The 'Cocks are getting points in an equally tumultuous setting in Fayetteville. Maybe we'll get to see another exciting 9-6 SEC showdown, but I have to like the Visor's chances.
Trev's pick: South Carolina

Southern Cal (-15) over Oregon State
A lot of Trojan revenge here, between last year's upset, and coming off of last week's loss.
Trev's pick:Southern Cal

Florida State (+6.5) over Boston College
Please Please Please Florida State. Stop this madness. Restore some Order. Throw a Flaming Spear through Matt Ryan's head, and end this long national nightmare.
Trev's pick: Florida State

Notre Dame (-3.5) over Navy
While we're discussing national nightmares, I think Notre Dame (-3.5) is an affront to our fine men and women in the armed services. Not just the Naval Academy, either, but the entire armed services. This game is the true test of naval fortitude. If they can't beat easily the worst Irish team in the modern era, that streak is going to take another world war to get the necessary footballing talent back to Annapolis.
Trev's pick: Notre Dame

Trev Alberts used to be an empty suit for ESPN. He is a roadtripping fool.

Week 10 Blogpoll: Deception!

2007-10-29T18:45:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

I see the loyal Trevians are storming the gates like the college football barbarians of yore. I am so proud of my internet army of the night. Kudos to you, fine savage beasts of the Trev! you have awoken me from my slumber, the kid from his numerous distractions, and have earned an earnest and humble apology from your overlord, the Me. Actually, the kid will be the one truly apologizing, because he is sorry, and a little whiny bitch, and my eternal scapegoat. Long story short, I tried to start composing the entire site on his iPhone, but there were just too many spelling errors, too many things unnecessarily auto-corrected, and the entire office is full of sausage-fingered freaks! It was really a perfect storm that was just plain out of control. Also, the Germans have tried to break my legs on numerous occasions, and we lost some of our best interns trying to distract them these past few days. The current casualties of my lackluster selections this season are two thumbs, a pinky nail, three kneecaps, a sternum, and a minor concussion.

With that out of the way, the best way to get the ball back and rolling is with an unnecessary list! Something really arbitrary and time sensitive. You know, something that will be dated almost as soon as we're done posting the damn thing. Of course! A Blogpoll! Specious reasoning ahoy!

Ohio State
Boston College
Louisiana State
Arizona State
Oregon
West Virginia
Kansas
Oklahoma
Missouri
Virginia Tech
Hawaii
Connecticut
Georgia
Auburn
Alabama
South Florida
Southern Cal
Florida
Texas
Clemson
Purdue
Virginia
Wake Forest
Boise State
South Carolina

The breakdown:
The top 5: Ohio State, Boston College, Louisiana State, Arizona State, Oregon -
When last met our top 5, I was giving USF the kiss of death. Now, we see some kind of cream surface to the top of this rancid buttermilk of a season. Ohio State and LSU, ok, that makes some sense, even Oregon to some degree, but man, Boston College and Arizona State? This just doesn't happen, people. I almost gave the Sun Devils the number 3, but then remembered that LSU would still chainsaw them into itty bitty pieces of tanned devil jerky 9 times out of 10. Also, their only real victory is this past week over Cal....which is becoming less impressive by the day. Oregon is only a few more steps from claiming the title of best 1-loss team, as I'm sure 2nd losses will continue to be handed out like free Comcast broadband internet.

The next 5: West Virginia, Kansas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Virginia Tech-
Some real judgment calls here, and a big ol' Big XII knot if there ever was one. First of all, WVU has the best remaining one-loss in my opinion that doesn't involve directly losing to Oklahoma. Therefore, they are ahead of OU, which begats the Mizzou, son of Shahazbar of the Ozark tribe. But, where to place Kansas? The current reigning awesome fat man of college football deserves some credit for this ridiculous Jayhawks season, but they can't enter the class of the 1-loss power programs until they backslide into them, defeat Missouri, or win the Big XII title, whichever happens first...and then whatever happens next. Virginia Tech is really wishing for a playoff system right now, as their only losses are to the #2 and #3 teams in the county. They are two Matt Ryan ass-rabbits from the top 5 and riding shotgun in the 1-loss-title shot mobile, but thems the breaks.

The middle 10: Hawaii, UCONN, UGA, Auburn, Alabama, USF, Southern Cal, Florida, Texas, Clemson-
Questions start off the the middle ten. Is there enough crazy juice left in this season to give Hawaii and UCONN various kinds of BCS mojo? Can I just pencil them into the Fiesta Bowl now? Georgia keeps proving me wrong and is on a collision course for the SEC title game if they can get past Auburn in two weeks. The Tigers get the WTF award at this time of the year, having been so up and down while being on both sides of some truly pivotal games. Bama has the shot to do its fair share of damages at home against The Chainsaw. South Florida's ranking is honorary at this point, just because they can almost be argued as a pick'em against the Trojans...and I'm enjoying that right now more than anything else. Florida rides its quality 5 wins and 3 quality losses as far as their SEC pedigree will take them, and that's more than sleepwalking UT. Clemson still gets style points from me, and I'll still take them over anyone in the bottom 5.

The last 5: Purdue, Virginia, Wake Forest, Boise State, Tennessee-
Purdue gives the Big Ten their second representative in the top 25 on the merits of them not being Wisconsin or the exiled Michigan. They have 2 losses...to UM and tOSU. That's the Big Ten equivalent of losing to LSU and Auburn, but, you know, not as much because its not the SEC. UVA and Wake Forest are surviving the allure of mediocrity, the siren song of the ACC, and Tennessee rounds out the top 25 for being better than the Visor head to head.

The mysterious remains:
Wisconsin, South Carolina, Kentucky, California-
Again, a constant reminder that Michigan remains unranked. No points awarded. None. We are, however, secretly rooting for them to win the Big Ten by the destruction of Ohio State, whirling the free world into chaos, and spreading the Appalachian State herpes to a vast majority of the nation. Wisconsin, South Carolina, and Kentucky can still back into the bottom 5 (or better) if they win out....but California is hanging on by a very thin thread.

Trev Alberts is not a recognized Blogpoller. He cannot be auto-corrected.

Bye Week

2007-10-25T14:57:00.000-05:00

As if we weren't taking 15 consecutive breaks around here before, the Bye week for the Irish is an official holiday for all of us this season. So sayeth the me. Catch everyone after this weekend.

Mao! Boston College, Mao!

-irishoutsider

Week 8 Rundown: Finally, with Sloth.

2007-10-24T00:19:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Sorry everyone, the entire office had been shut down for a while whilst the kid recovered from that so-called "football game" involving ND and Southern Cal. No hilarious excerpts from J Peterman this time, and certainly no time for Muppet Broadcasting, as this is truly the abyss for our fearless editor. The nothingness of the Irish completes dominates his being, and he is not wont to do anything other than stare into its endless darkness. Personally, I think its awesome. I mean, finally someone is using that abyss we had installed late last season, and he's giving everyone all of these sweet extra personal days. Fortunately, I have nothing better to do than to hang out at the compound and mock his misfortune. Unfortunately, with no interns around until later this week, I have to lug in this scoreboard all by my damn manly Trev self.

Week 8 Results:
Against the Spread: 7-8
Straight Up: 9-6

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 64-79-1
Straight Up: 100-43

Another anemically burly showing in the straight up column, but that ATS line still ain't pulling its weight. Good thing I didn't have to pick the UCLA game, that would have been completely out of left field. I have run out of excuses for this season other than total chaos....we can't even get the Wheel of Death out here because it won't stop spinning. Its unwieldy that one, it is.

Pitt 24-Cincy 17
Oh, that whole fair catch thing wasn't cool? Thanks, Big East refs, for totally ruining another Cinderella story. First, no way that was offensive PI in the USF game....and now this. It's like you're trying to make sure no one can "Rutgers it up." Whatever, you don't need al that national exposure anyway, right? And at least the Panthers won a giant rectal themometer for their troubles.

Vandy 17- South Carolina 6
I honestly don't know how to feel right now. Go 'Dores? You have to feel awesome for Vandy, but they do have Visor blood on their hands. Oh well, at least SOS will get more credit for losing than Vandy will get for winning. That's how poll inertia works.

Alabama 41-Tennessee 17
Yeah.....they got the snot kicked out of them. Dark Lord Saban mind tricked us all with his fully operational Crimson Tide.

Oklahoma 17-Iowa State 7
This should make Cyclones fans feel optimistic about their future defenses under Chizik. Now, if they could just find another year of eligibility for Seneca Wallace, they can run that crazy spread Missouri business that seems to be so popular these days.

Texas 31-Baylor 10
Completing the Big XII mails it in duet are the Longhorns putting away Baylor convincingly, but not convincingly enough for the Germans....Damn Texas.....

West Virginia 38-Mississippi State 13
Well at least one offensive machine can still cover the spread around here. Too bad these style points only mean something if your schedule strength is worth a damn...and the Big East has certainly seen to it that it does not....no sir....it does not. Nice Sly Week though.

Missouri 41-Texas Tech 10
The Tigers have out pirated the Pirate King! The Dread Pirate Leach has been depirated! I'm pretty sure this is how he got the title in the first place. Good job, Leach, your boosters will likely kill you in the morning.

Ohio State 24-Michigan State 17
What I really want is for Michigan State to be coached by Dennis Green. Dusting off the old chestnut...THE BUCKEYES WERE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE. Meanwhile, the Sweatervest grinds it out like Sweatervest does. THE remaining schedule is Wisconsin (snuh...now), Penn State (BRAINS! AND 7 INTS!), and Michigan (Bo, still dead). The remaining question is whether Southern Cal or the SEC champ gets to wax them by three scores.

UCLA 30-California 21
I know this wasn't a pick but REALLY?!?!?! Karl Dorrell has dug himself quite the trench in Westwood, winning just enough, just big enough to stick around. Watch them beat Southern Cal again....and their fans might actually boo.

Kansas 19-Colorad 14
Mmm....Buffalo. Mangino is the smartest fat coach you've never heard of...or at least the one with the least credit. Kansas is undefeated this year. KANSAS! THIS YEAR!

Oregon 55-Washington 34
How to keep your job in the PAC-10, fall backwards into a kickass QB who's first words as a child were "I'm going to play for the Huskies," and sit back while he turns broken play after broken play into some kind of offense. This works on the West Coast. Meanwhile, keep every game close at the half, and don't make any adjustments, ever. Looking competitive is just as good as actually being competitive right?

Michigan 27-Illinois 17
Personally, I wanted to see this game go down to a field goal, because [redacted] decided to give Michigan the wind in the 4th in a close game. He's thinking, "hey, we're tied at home here, I've deferred, let's go ahead and make this as easy as possible for UM to pull it out of their ass." Luckily, it didn't come down to that, as somewhere in the 3rd quarter, [fighting redacted] looked at their jerseys, realized they were Illinois, and that Midnight Madness had occurred. DING! Illinois turned back into a basketball school.

LSU 30-Auburn 24
Les Miles, once again proving that brains does not win games in 2007. I think most things have already been said to that effect.

Southern Cal 38-Adidas Green Jersey Models n/a
A four-hour exhibition match between an actual football program, and a bunch of dudes wearing throwbacks. It was basically a fashion show, but with much more falling down. I'm sure if I was on the ND offensive line, I wouldn't be able to hear the coverages over my bright yellow pants either. Yes, this is a down year, and yes, the recruiting classes are still awesome, but for the Irish faithful, this year has gone beyond bad, beyond sad, to the just plain life-questioning inky blackness of the void....and that's what I have to deal with every day

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN hair model. He owns The Abyss on Laserdisc.

Week 8 Trevonics: Trickeration

2007-10-18T10:11:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

For once I get back on track and get the Trevonics in under the gun, early rather than never. The kid tricked me into thinking South Florida was the deadline tonight. Smooth operator, that editor of mine, but it still doesn't change the fact that I'm the only one pulling his weight around here lately. Granted, the Trev pulls himself a lot of weight, but that is besides the point. Interns, pull in my weighty scoreboard.

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 57-71-1
Straight Up: 91-37

There's some interesting games on the slate, some interesting interesting as well as some "interesting" interesting, so let's get right down to it.

Cincinnati (-9.5) over Pittsburgh (1200et)
The Wannstache is not in a very good situation. Maybe its just a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, but the Big East has just exploded since he's shown up. Then again, maybe it's the exposure other programs are getting by shellacking the Panthers on ESPN. I don't know, I'm not a scientist, but now it's Cincy's turn to stand on the shoulders of former giants.
Trev's pick: Cincinnati

Vanderbilt (+13) over South Carolina (1230et)
I am fully aware of how awesome I think the Visor and the 'Cocks are this season, but don't doubt the Commodores. They played UGA real tough last week at home, and this game isn't going to be played in the deep, dark Columbian evening. I'd like to think it will be a close match, and I'll split the pick.
Trev's pick: Vanderbilt to cover, USC to win

Tennessee (pick) over Alabama (1230et)
However, my blatant favoritism of the Dark Lord Saban has waned these past few weeks. Anyone been watching the Volunteers lately? They're playing well enough to make 'Bama a home dog in light of recent troubles with Florida State et al. Again, a close game, but no split pick as I think the Vols pull it out in the end.
Trev's pick: Tennessee

Oklahoma (-30) over Iowa State (1230et)
This is why we make fun of the Big XII North. The Sooners let Mizzou into last week's game by divine providence, something the Cyclones won't be as fortunate to receive. Fewer turnovers, more possession, and a weaker team are going to add up to more points...many many many more points.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma

Texas (-25) over Baylor (1230et)
Same story here. Texas will play like the best damn 2-loss team in the universe in a game that doesn't mean anything.
Trev's pick: Texas

Kentucky (+6.5) Florida (330et)
Wowzers. Kentucky knocks off the chainsaw that still is LSU, and now plays host to Florida, a perfect defensive mismatch against Andre Woodson's air-raiding. They are going to open it up against the Gators, and as long as they can stop UF's three plays (hint: one of them is Tebow Off-Tackle), they'll keep it close. Combine that with the home field and the UK mojo, and the pick is clear....although I have to make sure they kid doesn't subliminally dictate Florida.
Trev's pick: Kentucky

West Virginia (-24.5) over Mississippi State (330et)
This will not be pleasant, and it will not be fast.
Trev's pick: West Virginia

Missouri (-3.5) over Texas Tech (330et)
There is a very real possibility that there are 100 points scored in this game, and that might just be Texas Tech. However, Missouri may just have the edge in defense and dare I say, offensive flexibility. A mobile QB in a spread out offense is all the rage these days, and I don't know if the Red Raiders have it in them to stop anything, let alone that.
Trev's pick: Missouri

Michigan State (+17) over Ohio State (330et)
Don't think for a second that Sparty is going to pull off the upset du week 8, because its just not happening. However, there is a very real possibility that MSU makes a game out of this, sans John L Smith, not to mention Ohio State playing its particular brand of tight, regimented Tressel Ball under the weight of a 2007 #1. 17 points is just too much, but the Buckeyes escape faster than you can dot the I.
Trev's pick: MSU to cover, OSU to win

Cal over UCLA (OFF) (330et)
I can't make an official pick here, but I do want to point out that this line is hilarious.

Kansas (-3.5) over Colorado (530et)
Mangino will not fall to the same fate as Oklahoma, second helpings just aren't as delicious...I mean, coach will eat them anyway, but there will be no double dipping in Boulder.
Trev's pick: Kansas

Kansas State (+3) over Oklahoma State (705et)
In a game like this, with the way these teams can open it up at any time, I have to go with the team that looks like it wants it more, and that has been KState all year long. No offense to the Cowboys, but there is something going on in Manhattan these days, and I don't think OSU is ready for it.
Trev's pick: Kansas State

Oregon (-11.5) over Washington (730et)
Just as an experiment, I want to know how many first half lines Washington has won this year. I'm just saying its the only chance they got this week.
Trev's pick: Oregon

Illinois (+2.5) over Michigan (800et)
[Redacted], go you [redacted], fight on [fighting redacted], stop all of this crazy talk of skunkbear resurgence. Do it for the Trev.
Trev's pick: Illinois

Louisiana State (-10.5) over Auburn (900et)
NIGHT GAME IN BATON ROUGE. The gates of hell spring open, the chainsaw werewolf is fully formed, and Auburn is going to need more than three field goals to get this done. This is not Arkansas.
Trev's pick: LSU

Southern Cal (-17) over Notre Dame (330et)
The kid is about to stab me to death with various steely knives as I dictate this, but even in the light of Southern Cal's truly disappointing, by Trojan standards, season, Notre Dame is too young, too green, too everything that SC is not for this game. The Irish need to play perfect football to have a chance, as every turnover WILL be 7 points. Its not a very good matchup for them at all. That, and the poodle has all sorts of vengeance on his mind. I'm going to hide in my sniper proof office now....
Trev's pick: Southern Cal

Trev Alberts is a current CSTV analyst. He is a major tool.

Week 8 Blogpoll: Extra Tasty Crazy

2007-10-15T19:55:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Get ready for an extra dose of crazy, loyal Trevians, as if the season to date hasn't been chock full of absolute life-questioning upsets. Just saying, there's a lot of madness to go around, and this week's blogpoll is no exception. Between my over-correcting, my under-correcting, and my flat out bold presumptions...well....you take a look.

1. South Florida
2. Ohio State
3. Boston College
4. South Carolina
5. Kentucky
6. Louisiana State
7. Southern Cal
8. Oklahoma
9. California
10. Virginia Tech
11. Oregon
12. Hawaii
13. Kansas
14. West Virginia
15. Florida
16. Arizona State
17. Missouri
18. Tennessee
19. Auburn
20. Georgia
21. Florida State
22. Virginia
23. Cincinnati
24. Texas Tech
25. Kansas State

The breakdown: The top 5: USF, Ohio State, Boston College, South Carolina, Kentucky-
There it is. I'm saying it right now. South Florida is the best team in the country today. Undefeated, untied, and with wins over West Virginia and at Auburn that leaves them above the rest. A consensus number one in the computers, and if they'd been around for more than 10 years, they'd be no doubt number one. Ohio State may have the pedigree, and they may have a chance to close the gap with games against Penn State and Michigan, but for right now, put up the horns for the Bulls. Boston College is here on undefeated momentum, a Heisman candidate at QB, and that lovely East Coast bias. South Carolina over Kentucky over Louisiana State by the wonders of the transitive property.

The next 5: Louisiana State, Southern Cal, Oklahoma, California, Virginia Tech-
And that leaves a very angry, very deadly Tiger team here at number 6. Its at that point in the season that you can argue that they are the best team, but are also the most underrated. That point when talent and potential start giving way to computers, polls, wins, and losses. Southern Cal is up here yet again trading on their name, as Stanford isn't the best loss in the world. In fact, Colorado, Oregon State, and LSU are better losses, but that's the way it goes.

The middle 10: Oregon, Hawaii, Kansas, West Virginia, Florida, Arizona State, Missouri, Tennessee, Auburn, Georgia-
We now settle on strength of losses and quality wins. Oregon's sole loss to Cal looked really good until they forgot they couldn't stop the clock against the Beavers. However, since some crazy types think Michigan is rankable, I guess that shellacking gets more credit. Kansas should probably be higher than Hawaii, and they'll have plenty of opportunity to overcome the Colt Brennan mojo. WVU has the 1-loss edge over Florida, to USF of all teams, while Arizona State retains zero credit for their resume to date. Mizzou has the ability to shock some people, but they couldn't get past Oklahoma, placing them in the strange creamy middle of talent vs. resume. Tennessee is back to pasting people proper while Auburn and Georgia still fail to impress....beyond beating Florida of course.

The last 5: Florida State, Virginia, Cincinnati, Texas Tech, Kansas State-
Rounding out the bottom of the list are some teams with some respectability, like Florida State, some teams clamoring for SOME respect, like UVA, Cincy, and TTech, while Texas, like many of the mysterious remains, clamoring for someone to look past their record and trade on their name a little more. See also Michigan. K-State beat Texas, so that puts them here, and the horns down there.

The mysterious remains:
Illinois, Penn State, Texas, Michigan (really?!)-
Let's get this out of the way right quick. Michigan lost to a DI-AA team. I don't care how good Appalachian State is this year. I don't care how good Michigan is now. All I care about is that at the bottom of the Top 25, there are plenty of teams with better resumes than the skunkbears that deserve the honorable mentions that this ranking strata entails. The redacteds and the zombies are having better years overall than UM, not to mention K-State thoroughly. Texas may be back to there cupcake stomping ways, but they need to earn it just like everyone else.

Trev Alberts is not a recognized Blogpoller. He is the Trev.

Week 7 Rundown: Jovi Punch!

2007-10-14T10:10:00.001-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

The power of the subconscious Trev! I pulled a sweet record without even thinking, subliminally serving up some Trevonic beatdowns....too bad I get no points from Yahoo! Sports, and may God have mercy on my soul. Save me, Scoreboard!

Week 7 Results:
Against the Spread: 12-8
Straight Up: 15-5

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 57-71-1
Straight Up: 91-37

That straight up is still so scrumtrillescent if I must say so myself. In this crazy mixed up world of bizarro college football, the great predicting mind that is me is almost 75% at just picking random teams. Coin flips rock! Anyway, in salute of the absolute madness that is this season, please enjoy this film that I view as a metaphor for the entire 2007 season: Andy Samberg punching people just before eating.

See, its like the guy eating the pizza is Cal, and Andy is Oregon State. MURDER! Enjoy the snappy tune as I rundown the latest chapter of insanity.

Hawaii 42-San Jose State 35
Once again, Colt Brennan snatches victory from the jaws of defeat, continuing their march to being "the next Boise State." Honestly though, I'm not seeing it right now, especially if the Warrior defense is this swiss-cheesy.

Virginia Tech 43-Duke 14
Thanks for coming out, Duke.

Ohio State 48-Kent State 3
Ohio State, the best team in Ohio. We know this because they play every team in Ohio. Are they even in the Big Ten anymore?

South Florida 64-Central Florida 12
This was quite unexpected. Thumbs down to me for thinking UCF had some fight in them. You'd think they'd defend their title as "that other Florida team" a little bit harder. I am still pulling full transitive USF > Texas arguments.

Iowa 10-Illinois 6
This is why you're [redacted]. Iowa gets to hang their hat on the chiefs, and what a sad state of affairs it is when that is your Big Ten.

Texas 56-Iowa State 13
This still doesn't make you good, Texas. Glad you're getting your practice reps in now as a opposed to say....August...and glad to see you can beat up Iowa State instead of, you know, football teams.

Kansas 58-Baylor 10
Ladies and gentlemen, your undefeated Kansas Manginos.

Tennessee 33-Mississippi State 21
The Vols win their Sly Week in convincing enough fashion.

Oregon 53-Washington State 7
This is kind of like Texas' match up with Iowa State as celebrating such a victory is akin to kicking a dog.

South Carolina 21-North Carolina 15
The Tarheels put up an unexpectedly tough fight with the Gamecocks as the Visor click clacks his way out of danger.

Southern Cal 20-Arizona 13
Southern Cal, you're like totally not impressing me anymore. I find it very hard to believe that the PAC-10 and/or Idaho are all that talented, and you're like, the bestest team ever right? Where's the style points?

Kentucky 43-Louisiana State 37
The crazy meter is officially gone to 11 with this game, everyone. Kentucky is ranked ahead of the chainsaw, who may still be the best team in the country, but must now overcome their single-loss ness. Unbelievable.

Penn State 38-Wisconsin 7
Equally shocking, the Wisconsin Badgers have been thoroughly exposed by the Big Ten, and will have now fallen from 5 to out of the top 25 in two weeks. Staggering. It boggles the mind.

Georgia 20-Vanderbilt 17
I would have absolutely loved to see the Commodores add to the seasonal madness, but alas no. Georgia, this is why I don't like you, and I still can't explain it.

Oklahoma 41-Missouri 31
This game has gained a bunch of respect in my book for giving the Sooners a game in Norman. Its a moral victory, but while those don't really exist, I'm giving full credit here. Mizzou is better than I've given them credit. Oklahoma, however, is a very good team, and good teams win these games at home.

Oregon State 31-California 28
Cal was the number one team in the country for about 90 minutes on Saturday night...and then that redshirt QB of there's forgot that he can't get sacked....but scrambled for the endzone anyway. That's what you get for not kicking the field goal I guess. Actually, I hope no one is too hard on the poor kid. I mean, I guess that play did just make Ohio State #1....so yeah....hate is a strong word in this case....but he's getting transitive Buckeye hate from the Trev. Fair play to the Beavers for adding to the crazy.

Louisville 28-Cincinnati 24
The Big East is a mess, a right solid mess, and I don't know what to say about it other than throw my hands up in the air and say "Done!" Moving on.

Auburn 9-Arkansas 7
Its good to see someone wanted to win this game. Auburn is quickly clawing its way back to respectability on the bodies of big name SEC teams.

Arizona State 44-Washington 20
A Sun Devil is a vicious animal, ok?

Boston College 27-Notre Dame 14
Its nice that the Eagles let Notre Dame skate by on the point spread, its discernible progress. There's not much more to say about this game other than Boston College plays a solid football game, Notre Dame is still working on it. No questionable calls, no shady pass coverage, and no offensive meltdowns will change that Boston College was winning this football game. However, they are the reason the kid is still passed out in a St. Joe County holding cell.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN analyst. He is the sanest guy you know.

Week 7 Trevonics: Sparing us All

2007-10-12T18:48:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Holy heck! Where did the week go? One second I'm building the perfect blogpoll, the next its Friday night, and I'm locked out of the stupid Yahoo pick them! I'd like to blame lots of things, but they are too numerous to have the kid type out. Mainly, they're all out to get me. The Germans, the NCAA, college football in general, and the concept of the points spread itself. In the abstract, seriously, after me. Let's get the equally fictional scoreboard out here for some rapid fire paranoia.

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 45-63-1
Straight Up: 76-32

Hawaii (-18.5) over San Jose State
Virginia Tech (-14) over Duke
Ohio St (-31) over Kent State
UCF (+11.5) over USF, USF to win
Illinois (-3.5) over Iowa
Texas (-16) over Iowa State
Kansas (-27) over Baylor
Tennessee (-7) over Mississippi State
Oregon (-18.5) over Washington State
South Carolina (-7) over North Carolina
Southern Cal (-21) over Arizona
Kentucky (+10) over Louisiana State, LSU to win
Penn State (-7) over Wisconsin
Georgia (-7) over Vanderbilt
Oklahoma (-10.5) over Missouri
Cal (-14) over Oregon State
Louisville (+10) over Cincinnati, Cincy to win
Auburn (+3) over Arkansas
Arizona State (-13.5) over Washington
Notre Dame (+13.5) over Boston College

I'd love to stay and explain the methods to my madness, but the office is going on a bear hunt early in the morning. There will be barenjager and Canada. That's really all I can say for certain.

Trev Alberts is a member of the legitimate media. He is not recognized this week by Yahoo! Sports.

Week 7 Blogpoll: Mass Hysteria

2007-10-10T11:50:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Just more damn chaos in the ranks this week. Let's just get on with this before I change my mind. I have no freaking clue how to sort this out. Look at this. I mean....just look at this. This is what I stay sober for? The hell with it!

LSU
California
Ohio State
South Florida
South Carolina
Boston College
Southern Cal
Oklahoma
Virginia Tech
Oregon
Hawaii
Florida
West Virginia
Kentucky
Wisconsin
Missouri
Arizona State
Cincinnati
Kansas
Georgia
Illinois
Auburn
Florida State
Tennessee
Texas A&M

The breakdown:

The top 5: LSU, California, Ohio State, South Florida, South Carolina-
Ladies and gentleman, the undisputed number 1 with a chainsaw. On all fronts, resume, record, and the ability to devour any lesser ranked opponent with big sharp, pointy teeth, the Tigers are the best team in the country. Cal and Ohio State follow on the strength of their records with South Floridas and Carolinas tumbling their ways upwards with good wins and just plain survival. However, no one is safe from the next unknown kittening. It's coming

The next 5: Boston College, Southern Cal, Oklahoma, Virginia Tech, Oregon-
I don't know how the hell they're doing it, but BC is ranked ahead of Southern Cal. Maybe if they'd played Stanford, they'd lose too, there's really no way of knowing, but I'm sure if they did, they'd drop further than 7th. Southern Cal's lofty pedigree keeps them this high, just as it does for Oklahoma, but Colorado at least has a mascot. The Hokies, I admit, are still a bit overrated for now, as I just don't know what the hell they are up to in Blacksburg. They are maybe the most confusing team on this list. Oregon takes the end with the the only 1 loss better than VTs.

The middle 10: Hawaii, Florida, West Virginia, Kentucky, Wisconsin, Missouri, Arizona State, Cincinnati, Kansas, Georgia-
The middle ten is just a jumbled mess of tangled resumes. Hawaii deserves something for being undefeated, and considering Florida's main weakness is their secondary, Colt gets the nod. West Virginia should probably switch places with Virginia Tech, and they will as soon as the Big East stop sucking, or Virginia Tech cobbles a consistent offense, or both. Kentucky and Wisconsin are both having great seasons, save for some stumbles, with Kentucky's being more respectable like. They lost to the Visor, not the redacted. Missouri, Arizona State, and Cincinnati are stuck down here on lack of name recognition, and the fact that I just don't plain trust them. Kansas and Georgia get the same treatment, but without the nice resumes...or something....

The last 5: Illinois, Auburn, Florida State, Tennessee, Texas A&M-
The logjam has to end somewhere, and here it do. The Fighting Redacted make quite a statement with their win over Wisconsin, not to mention the crazy state of the Big Ten at the moment. Auburn is prepared to take their role of spoiler as far as it will go, as will Tennessee. Florida State and the Aggies fill out the rest with their potential to also rock the boat.

The mysterious remains:
Purdue, Rutgers, Virginia, Texas-
The first teams out all show the ability to work their way into the top 25...except Texas....because I am still hating on them. However, everyone else has them on this list somewhere, but when you can barely beat UCF and Arkansas State, while your not living up to the potential, I'm not ready to put them into anything just yet. However, they have the kind of upward mobility reserved for a talented team in a top-heavy conference.

Trev Alberts is not a recognized Blogpoller. He likes to recreate Civil War battles with kitties.

Week 6 Rundown: The Kitten Virus

2007-10-08T18:18:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Sweet Jeebus, I can't shake whatever the hell is going on here! It's like some kind of plague has followed me from the swampy plague filled swamps of Florida and followed me home. I can't figure it out. The kid's throwing up in the corner, half from illness, half from "overly celebrating", and I am tripping balls on whatever antibiotics I was able to forge from the pharmacy. The great thing about sporting my anchortastic good looks is that I can fake my way through almost any situation that can be covered by not actually being a doctor, but being able to play one on TV. Just grab some paper, write sloppily, possibly while drunk, and throw in some completely random shorthand and voila! Medicated. Scoreboard?

Week 6 results:
Against the Spread: 4-11
Straight Up: 9-5

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 45-63-1
Straight Up: 76-32

Mercy. The Trev train is spiraling out of control, and there are really only two places this can end up if I don't find the brakes: broken limbs or Mexico.

Boston College 55-Bowling Green 24
Boston College, the greatest team in the world apparently, gives Bowling Green the whatfor. For beating up on a MAC team with a pretty boy Heisman QB, what do we give them? A top 3 ranking. Really? This guy is Brady Quinn without getting penetrated by Michigan.

West Virginia 55-Syracuse 14
At least I can still pick winners, its that pesky point spread getting in the way. Glad to see the effing Mountaineers can still hang half a hundred on horrible teams. College football needs that. Side note, however: Big East-still horrible.

Kansas 30-Kansas State 24
Mangino finds Wildcat delicious. When properly seasoned, it's not too gamy, and it goes well with a nice Caesar salad. Coach however enjoyed his Wildcat with a drum of wedding cake icing and a shopping cart full of pre-cooked meatballs in a light alfredo sauce. The Jayhawk celebrated in a much more disturbing fashion. Hooray for internets!

Illinois 31-Wisconsin 26
On [redacted]! On [redacted]! Confirmation that this is, in fact, Bizarro Year 2008! A team coached by [name redacted] is actually good? I place a late question mark on that, not unlike Ron Burgundy, because I have no freaking clue. That's the kind of year we're having here. I am so confused. Juice! That's a good one?

Tennessee 35-Georgia 14
Correcting the confusion behind my pick on this game. I obviously had no reason to pick Georgia, so I didn't intend to, and I wanted them to prove me wrong....yet I still picked them? Fallacy! Our editor will receive the riot act for his false dictation as soon as he recovers from whatever debilitating illness is currently overtaking his section of the office. We think it might be chlamydia.

Oklahoma 28-Texas 21
Good for you Texas, you pit up a fight. You still lost. I award you no points, and may no one have mercy on you. You are 4-2, 0-2 in conference, and I will personally punch anyone considering also giving you votes. Oklahoma is down, but not out, and I hope they return to their unstoppable ways, if only for discussion's sake.

Arizona State 23-Washington State 20
I have been fooled by Erickson once more, for he is a bold deceiver. Watch as he mystifies us all into thinking his team can take Southern Cal. I have full faith that he drugged the Trojans this weekend for this exact reason.

Virginia Tech 41-Clemson 23
With all apologies to the Brothers Mac, Clemson has run itself back in time to when they completely suck. Virginia Tech scored 41 points. That's like 4 ECUs.

Stanford 24-Southern Cal 23
"With all of the trash talking coming out of Palo Alto, you'd think Stanford was an actual football team." Wow. That was....unexpected. Way to go Cardinal! Everyone, please rise for the Stanford fight song(s):

To the tune of "The Victors":
3! Point one four one five, Nine! Two six five three five eight, Nine! Seven! Nine three two three, Stanford f-ing RULES!

For an official recording of "Stanford F-ing rules" please visit HouseRockBuilt.

To the tune of "Fight On":
Stanford! You f-ing trees!
You f-ing trees! You f-ind tress!
Stanford! You f-ing trees!
You f-ing trees! (In the forest!)
F-ing trees! (With googly eyes!)
F-ing TREEEEES!

Ohio State 23-Purdue 7
Panty-waist cupcake eaters, the Boilers are. Yes, Notre Dame, you are one of them cupcakes, and your coach finds you delicious. However, all of that sugar made Joe Tiller get all diabetes on everyone. Oatmeal for all as they slowly collapse into Big Ten also-rans, give or take a near miss with Illinois. At what point do we start saying Ohio State's backed into a 1/2 ranking?

Louisiana State 28-Florida 24
LSU still gets it done in Mordor. The fires of Hades, a brown liquor tinted furor that swallows all that is good in the still night whole, burns through a 14 point Gator lead, banishing Florida to the massive heap of talented two loss teams. Just for the record, Texas is in the bottom of said pile, and you don't want any part of that madness, Urban.

Cincinnati 28-Rutgers 23
We've all learned a valuable lesson from all of this Bearcat hysteria, and that is how to properly spell Cincinnati. Big East. WTF. I am so done with you this year, except for USF, because they rock. STOP MESSING IT UP, REST OF CONFERENCE! Put 'em up! \m/

Missouri 41-Nebraska 6
Speaking of done with you, let the rebuilding process begin again! I would start burning Callahan in effigy if I was anywhere near Lincoln, or if I had any unburned Callahan effigies still laying around the office. ITS THE BIG TWELVE NORTH! MAKE PLAYS!

Hawaii 52-Utah State 37
Ick, I forgot it was the WAC, and Hawaii. This is basically par for the course on the big island, they're like a good Texas Tech without the pirates, or last year's Louisville with an even weaker schedule.

Notre Dame 20-UCLA 6
The current method of celebration is as follows for the Irish supporting interns and colleagues. Firstly, Canadian flags for the rest of the season, as hopes for the International Bowl are reaching critical mass. Secondly, a moving tribute, a shrine really, to defensive coordinator Corwin "Boxy" Brown is to be commissioned and paid homage to. This is your season, Notre Dame, while the rest of the world screams "You're just a box," you scream "I'M JUST A WHAT, BITCH?!?"

Trev Alberts is a former legitimate journalist. He is not the Duke of New York.

His next trick is to make UCLA disappear.....

2007-10-04T23:45:00.000-05:00

-irishoutsider

Week 6 Trevonics: DayQuil is Orange

2007-10-04T19:18:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

We're back to rocking, loyal Trevians. We're rocking the jet lag, the DayQuil, the NyQuil, and I think there's some whooping cough make its way through the ranks. We are completely miserable, internet! On top of that, I've decided we need to do some unexpected management restructuring, so I've punched a hole through the wall of my corner office. Look! You can see the scoreboard from here!

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 41-52-1
Straight Up: 67-27

If I don't pick up this ATS business, I might punch a hole through that scoreboard....with my face!

Boston College (-20) over Bowling Green (1200et)
Boston College, this new and improved, and offensive (in more ways than one) Boston College must be a 3 score favorite over any MAC team if they want me to take this Top 10 business of there's seriously. Anything less is officially beneath them with a lofty ranking like that. I know about absolutely zero about these teams other than "white guy throw ball good."
Trev's pick: Boston College

Syracuse (+26.5) over West Virginia (1200et)
Oh, the effing have fallen! Look at that. Keep the orange mo rolling and get behind one of the sport's greater citrus inspired mascots. The Orange, nee OrangeMEN, have another one in them, while these shaken 'Neers are reeling. They showed me nothing of merit last week, but I'm not medicated enough to actually pick the upset. Split pick.
Trev's pick: Syracuse to cover, West Virginia to win

Kansas (+3) over Kansas State (1200et)
There are lots of things at play in this rivalry game. First, take the points in the rivalry game. Two, take the points in the rivalry game. Three, take the fat man in the rivalry game. While Ron Prince is a husky gentleman, his girth is nothing compared to awe-inspiring gravitas of the Mangino. I'm pretty sure the Jayhawk offense revolves around using the man's gravitational pull to hurl the ball to previously unseen depths. I blame Weis' recent slimming, slight slimming of course, for this tactic not working in South Bend.
Trev's pick: Kansas

Illinois (-2.5) over Wisconsin (1100et)
Get on the bus for the [Fighting Redacted]! Again, this feels like an obvious play on Wisconsin, but, honestly, I can't find any specific reason to choose them at this time. What have they really shown us this season? I love me some Badgers, but Sparty was able to move the ball rather well on them, and I think the Juice can do the same. The steady march to bowl eligibility, and a righteous defeat of preseason prejudice!
Trev's pick: Illinois

Tennessee (-1) over Georgia (330et)
Again, my uneducated dislike for this year's Georgia team rears its ugly head. Sure, they pulled one out in the heart of Alabama, but can they do it once more? Just another situation where the Dawgs feel like the obvious pick, but I don't have a good reason to actually think they'll win this. I can't explain it. Prove me wrong, kids, prove me wrong.
Trev's pick: Georgia

Oklahoma (-11) over Texas (330et)
The shine has certainly come off of this year's shootout, thanks to K-State and Colorado, but in my mind, is all that's really done is drop the points of Oklahoma. Think about it. If the Sooners squeak it out against Colorado, this spread is at least 14.5 in the face of Texas deciding to take this year off. Sure, there's the chance that the Longhorns decide to become an actual Texas football team in this game, but have we really seen any signs of that happening anytime soon? Lest we forget, this is an Oklahoma team that has shown some huge pointy teeth this season.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma

Arizona State (-9) over Washington State (400et)
Erickson, how you continue to taunt me, with your flashy smile and PAC-10 enigmosity. Of course, I'm going to take you over anonymous State. It's too soon for you to break my heart.
Trev's pick: Arizona State

Clemson (-5.5) over Virginia Tech (600et)
I really should be taking the points. However, I'm still hesitant to think that the Hokies have an actual offense. I understand the intricacies of no-offense BeamerBall, but even Georgia Tech needed some offense of their own to stop the Tigers. Also, maybe Spiller has run back in time to when the Tigers were amazing.
Trev's pick: Clemson

Southern Cal (-40) over Stanford (700et)
Jim Harbaugh has called down the thunder. Do not taunt the poodle, sir. With all of the trash talking coming out of Palo Alto, you'd think Stanford was an actual football team. No sir. Southern Cal is a real football team, and they will make you pay for your insolence. Oh? You're starting a green as hell QB? Excellent. You're carcass will make a fine feast at the upcoming Triumph.
Trev's pick: Southern Cal

Purdue (+7) over Ohio State (800et)
Get ready for it. Here's the part where the Boilers are exposed for the pantywaist cupcake eaters they are, but I'm taking them anyway just in case they pull it off. I'll look like a freaking genius. An oatmeal loving, mustache admiring genius, and you will all sing my praises to the beat of an overly large novelty drum!
Trev's pick: Purdue

Louisiana State (-8) over Florida (800et)
I just don't get it. HOW THE HELL DO THEY ALLOW LSU TO PLAY NIGHT GAMES?!? It's like a giant cauldron of evil down there. The festering hordes of dark followers, their fangs glistening in the light of the full moon, their chainsaws readied at the crotch, to stab the Gators with their steely knives in preparation of a macabre Cajun buffet. Hot Boudain. Cold Couscous. EVIL. Florida, you do not have an actual secondary. This will pose troublesome. Half of your plays Saturday night will involve running a white boy at Glenn Dorsey. This will prove fatal.
Trev's pick: Louisiana State

Rutgers (-3.5) over Cincinnati (800et)
Sure, this game is important for the Bearcats, but does anybody care? I'm not hating on Cincy per se, I'm just saying if you watch this game over the LSU-Florida game, you currently attend either school, or your son is starting. I'll simply put my fake money behind regression to the mean on this one, although I realize said regression involves Rutgers being good.
Trev's pick: Rutgers

Nebraska (+7) over Missouri (915et)
I've said all I can say at this point. I'm taking free points. If this does not work, Callahan gets cut. For reals this time.
Trev's pick: Nebraska

Hawaii (-39) over Utah State (1205et)
Finally, sometime early Sunday morning, Hawaii gets to bomb the crap out of Utah State. Beer still delicious. Football=Popular.
Trev's pick: Hawaii

Notre Dame (+22) over UCLA (800et)
I'm not going to go too in depth here. The kid's had a hell of a week as it is, and all he really wants to see is his Irish cover. Well, he'd like to see them play a bowl game in Canada, and who am I to crush that dream? It's a freaking awesome idea if they let me leave the country. Anyway, I can't possibly think of any reason to favor UCLA by 3+ scores, so I have to go with the Irish here....as if you didn't already know.
Trev's pick: Notre Dame

Trev Alberts is a current CSTV football analyst. He freaking loves orange.

Trip Pictures: Go Foodball

2007-10-02T08:06:00.000-05:00

A few more pictures from the trip to Tampa:

College Football and beer. There should be a mascot of this nature at every game, if only walking around the parking lots.

Pirate ships, however, are too awesome to be mass produced. This one was brutal, but access was definitely limited. It's a good thing too, because most in attendance would have torched it with homemade pyro when they sacked the model pirate shantytown.

Most of you know this man as Orson Swindle, proprietor of EDSBS, but to the University of Florida, most importantly Ben Hill-Griffin Stadium, he is Juan Carlos Sanchez, 28 year old graduate student....from 1994.
Immediately after this picture was taken, Brian trucked Swindle right good in a game of pickup football.

No hard feelings though. At the end of an extremely long and arduous bender in the heart of Florida, Orson made it rain at Sonic. Toaster Sandwiches are illegal in 25 states. This is why Sonics are still confined primarily to the South.

-irishoutsider

USF/Florida Photo Post the First

2007-10-01T19:13:00.001-05:00

A few photos from the whirlwind tour of Florida.

We like to think that the USF fans had the right idea going into this game.

Of course, I had to take care of some business of my own on the way into Raymond James Stadium.

At least for one glorious weekend, this was very very true. Grothe is a slinger.

We did manage to take in the ND-Purdue game, taunted by a monkey at a local tavern. His evil stare becoming more vexing with each ridiculously sized college shot.

We managed to sneak into the UF student section once we got our ID applications signed.

Soon after this picture was taken, tens of thousands of Florida fans turned that stadium into the gates of Hell.

Brian of HouseRockBuilt does his best Urban Meyer headset scream. (click to animate)

More photos as soon as I can get them posted. Spoiler alert: In the next set, Orson Swindle makes it rain at Sonic.

-irishoutsider

Week 6 Blogpoll: Carnage

2007-10-01T18:49:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

How has it come to this? An hour of wolves and shattered shields for the top 25. As the dust settled, we all realized that we were in the midst of Football-geddon. Let's just sit back and watch the rubble burn.

LSU
Southern Cal
California
Ohio State
Wisconsin
South Florida
Kentucky
South Carolina
Boston College
Oklahoma
Florida
Georgia
Oregon
Virginia Tech
Hawaii
West Virginia
Missouri
Arizona State
Kansas State
Texas
Rutgers
Cincinnati
Purdue
Clemson
Nebraska

The breakdown:

The top 5: LSU, USC, California, Ohio State, Wisconsin-
LSU and USC keep their death grip on 1 and 2, now more than ever. Cal jumps to the top of the rest by default and on resume, lining up the PAC-10 semifinal for the national title. Ohio State and Wisconsin are here because no one else has any kind of pedigree, at least not anymore, and the Bucks could probably take the Badgers in a fight.

The next 5: USF, Kentucky, South Carolina, Boston College, Oklahoma-
Ok, here's the part where it start to gets messed up, really really really ridiculously messed up. Even Oklahoma was out of place here last week. Now, look at them, playing second fiddle to the rest of this lot. I know the records speak for themselves, but USF, WVU, and BC? COME ON. I guess this is really good for college football, but seriously? OU is probably under ranked now, but thems the breaks when you lose to Dan Hawkins' kid.

The middle 10: Florida, Georgia, Oregon, Virginia Tech, Hawaii, West Virginia, Missouri, Arizona State, Kansas State, Texas-
Now the rest of the field recovers from the carnage. The middle 10 is home to the smoldering embers of many a national title dream. K-State enters the poll a bit high, maybe even Auburn should be up here, but they are officially better than Texas. The remainders move up into the mid-poll vacuum and we'll see where they shake out in the end. West Virginia, Florida, and Virginia Tech basically line up where I think they lose to teams above them and take everyone else.

The last 5: Rutgers, Cincinnati, Purdue, Clemson, Nebraska-
More punishment for my beloved Huskers. Even in the collapse of the poll above them, I give them no merit to step up a level. Maybe hold on to the ball, and we'll talk. Rutgers needs to bounce back from their run in with the Fridge, and we'll see what kind of team they want to be. Are they Rutgers or are they Louisville? Or are they Cincinnati? And what the hell with these Bearcats? Purdue is putting together a nice season, and in the Big Ten this year, it may be enough to make some waves.

The mysterious remains:
Auburn, Florida State, Illinois-
When you have a logjam at the top, and they all lose, you start to have a logjam at the bottom. If it wasn't for those pesky newbs like Kentucky, these guys are putting up the numbers to be more than just also receiving votes. Auburn grabs a signature win and is back to being a war damn eagle. Florida State overcomes the Dark Lord, and the fighting redacted take down JoePa. Keep an eye out for all of them...especially YOU Callahan!

Trev Alberts is not a recognized Blogpoller. He once ate the silver filings in his Etch-a-Sketch.

Trip Pictures: Buffering.......

2007-10-01T10:16:00.000-05:00

It's going to take a while for all of these pictures to get uploaded...a lot of time. It has something to do with our media resources, and the interwebs as a whole. Of course, Trev and Bloo playing marathon sessions of Halo 3 and spilling grape soda on my computer aren't helping one bit.

Swindle may have posted the picture first, but it still came from the Trev Mobile 1.

Other highlights to come, including:

Pirates
Couches
Road tripping
Da Bearss
The Swamp
Drinking with Monkeys
PUCKER!
Truck sticks
Eagles
Eagles
War Damn Eagles
More Pirates
and Foodball

Put up the horns for USF, this could take a while. Put 'em up! \m/

-irishoutsider

Week 5 Rundown: Florida causes Scurvy

2007-09-30T17:29:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Kids, I just want to start off by saying that staying hydrated is important in life. At all times, be sure to take in adequate non-alcoholic liquids to make it through the day. Also, don't forget limes. Limes are a great source of vitamin C and prevent scurvy. So, the next time you plan on a weekend long bender, keep these tips in mind. Failure to stay adequately hydrated can cause tremendous lapses in college football judgment. Prepare for a scoreboard flyover.

Week 6 Results:
Against the Spread: 8-13
Straight Up: 11-10

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 41-52-1
Straight Up: 67-27

Ugh...I need lozenge, or some insulin, or some caffeine, or a nice long nap. Brutal. Let's get this over with so we can talk about more entertaining things, like kittens.

South Florida 21-West Virginia 13
When USF hits you, they want hurt you as much as possible, and they mean that in the most respectful way. Pat White got hung out to dry by his own knifewrench system, effectively taken out of the game by the Bulls' swarming defense long before they broke him in half. Big time win for USF. 10 years since they even assembled for an initial practice, South Florida is in the top 10. America, Fuck Yeah!

Louisiana State 34-Tulane 9
I knew LSU was going to run the JV Chainsaw squad this game, but I could have sworn it could have hung 50 on Tulane. Go Green Wave!

Virginia Tech 17-North Carolina 10
The Hokie offense covers in the clutch, I tell you what. A good heaping dose of nothing is enough to get the job done.

Illinois 27-Penn State 20
Fighting, and sometimes striving, wondering what [redacted] is. Excellence, and what is valor?, and JoePar hits something with a golf cart....I-L-L. I-N-What? [Fighting Redacted] for teh winz.

South Carolina 38-Mississippi State 21
The OBC survives his Sly Week and avoids the post Chainsaw letdown.

Georgia 45-Ole Miss 17
The Orgeron, however, does not survive his letdown, proceeding to get pasted by UGA. Great, I still have no idea what to think of the Dawgs. You could have at least kept it close Ole Miss.

Colorado 27-Oklahoma 24
(obvious meme warning) ITS DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL! ITS THE BIG TWELVE BROTHER! GO PLAY INTERMURALS OKLAHOMA! GO PLAY INTERMURALS! I already feel a deep sense of fear for the next team to play OU. Fair play to crazy Colorado.

Nebraska 35-Iowa State 17
That's more like it, Callahan, but I spare you not.

Cal 31-Oregon 24
Wow, who'd have thunk it would have required more than flashy jerseys, a crazy field, and even crazier fans to take down the Bears. Are they for real? Cal is currently real by default, and that and a buck o five will get you a cup of coffee. Still, I don't mean to take anything away from Cal. This was a marquee win in every sense of the word, and hopefully the Ducks will move on to take their place in the PAC-10 Wheel of Death.

Georgia Tech 13-Clemson 3
Clemson apparently ran back in time so much that they started to suck again. You there, man on the street, what day is it? WHAT YEAR IS IT?!?!

Maryland 34-Rutgers 24
A byproduct of Clemson's ACC time travel, Rutgers apparently gets beaten down by Early 2000 Maryland. Is the Fridge 100 pounds heavier now? Or is it lighter? I always forget.

Kansas State 41-Texas 21
Texas, you are so freaking cut. You now have no resume. No good wins, in fact some embarrassing ones if that's possible, and now this freaking blowout of a loss. You lose all 2006 immunity in my poll.

Wisconsin 37-Michigan State 34
Good for Wisconsin, and I'll even go so far as say good on Michigan State. It's the bizarro Big Ten ladies and gentlemen. Penn State and Michigan are down, while these guys and the redacteds are up. Ohio State is even steven, and its not surprising anyone. I want to say the whole conference is up for grabs, and my moneys on the traditional split title.

Hawaii 48-Idaho 20
No real surprises, nothing of note. Hawaii gets a lot of offense. Idaho does not.

Florida State 24-Alabama 17
My only impression of this game is that neither team looked like it wanted to win. The entire staff was sunstroked and scruvy stricken while catching it on the tailgate rig.

Southern Cal 24-Washington 17
This game involved flubber, that's all I'm going to say. I think Jake Locker used a ladder on one play too. Calm down everyone.

Auburn 20-Florida17
War goddam Eagle comes into the Swamp and beats one out of the Gators. Exposing the champs' weaknesses, and playing good enough to win. Way to put a body on Tebow. Wait, you mean when they line up in the House, 15 is running it? Brilliant!

Ohio State 30-Minnesota 7
Stupid hook....

Arizona State 41-Stanford 3
Stanford bows to ASU, and I have no read on the Sun Devils. Just like UGA and Cal, the second I bank on them is the second they break my heart.

Cincinnati 52-San Diego State 23
Umm....go Bearcats?

Purdue 33-Notre Dame 19
Notre Dame, you need to crawl before you can walk, and beating the spread is a good start. Now, just cut down on the deep turnovers and work on the short yardage situations, and you just might beat Navy. The schedule just forecasts more pain, so I'm going ahead and doubling our liquor budget to keep us stocked through the rest of the season. Its the only way.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. He is immune to scurvy

Lost, but still, we ride

2007-09-27T22:28:00.000-05:00

A little more than 24 hours ago, this plan was only that, a plan.

Now? Well, now we have ourselves a crazy scheme that could only come from the mind of the Trev.

West Virginia at South Florida
Auburn at Florida

Two games, two days, lots of Florida.

Riding, and riding,
We search across the land.
The snow, and wind,
Has frozen hearts of man,

But we ride,
We ride.

Many days ago,
We left our home,
With swords we ride into the night.

Fighting side by side,
To destroy our foes
And beat them with our life.

We stop, consider,
The land that we travel.
Our maps, at home,
Direction, unraveled,

But we ride,
We ride.

Don't burn the compound to the ground. I'll be back to see how many games were wronged by Trev on Sunday.

-irishoutsider

Week 5: High-Speed Chaos

2007-09-27T20:09:00.002-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Ok, here's the deal, there's a super-awesome Trev plan in the works, and that gets an entire post of its own. So there, let us burn through this impressive display of predicticating prowess. Scoreboard, ho!

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 33-39-1
Straight Up: 56-17

South Florida (+7) over West Virginia (9/28 800et ESPN)
The biggest game in the history of anything in the home of a couple of Super Bowls and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Maybe there was a Stanley Cup in there to, and I think that's just super. USF has enough defense to keep this game close, and with a whole town, er city, or is it a commonwealth? behind them, they just might get it done.
Trev's pick: South Florida

Louisiana State (-40.5) over Tulane (1200et)
Chainsaw by 41 over Tulane. I can't think of a better way to honor New Orleans.
Trev's pick: Louisiana State

North Carolina (+18) over Virginia Tech (1200et)
Virginia Tech still doesn't have any real semblance of an offense, and North Carolina, while horrible, has to be at least as good as East Carolina. Right?
Trev's pick: North Carolina to cover, Virginia Tech to win

Illinois (+3) over Penn State (1200et)
Wait, WHAT? What could he possibly thinking?!?!? Taking [fighting redacted] over Penn State? There can't be any reason to take Illinois. The line is just sooooo low. Exactly. Believe in the [redacted]....all the freaking way.
Trev's pick: Illinois

South Carolina (-13.5) over Mississippi State (1230et)
Take the team that held the chainsaw under 30 points over the team that could throw 7 interceptions in the first half.
Trev's pick: South Carolina

Ole Miss (+15) over Gerogia (100et)
I'm going to back the Orgeron all the way. Of course, he's going to get another good shot at pulling an upset. Georgia, Alabama heroics aside, is in for some Rebel beatdown. DaCoachO nevah loses. He just runnattatime.
Trev's pick: Ole Miss

Oklahoma (-22.5) over Colorado (130et)
One of these teams plays DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL, one just kind of yells about it.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma

Iowa State (-21) over Nebraska (205et)
That's right, Callahan! You can't even cover against Iowa State. This is where its come too. If I wasn't so preoccupied with other things, I would give you the what-for! But, I'm still pulling for my boys, so I'll split the pick.
Trev's pick: Iowa State to cover, Nebraska to win

Oregon (-6) over California (330et)
The PAC-10 clash of the not-Trojans, and I'm taking the home field. This game will nto be settled by a field goal, or two field goals, but passing yardage....lots of it.
Trev's pick: Oregon

Clemson (-3) over Georgia Tech (330et)
Clemson will run back in time, and knock Georgia Tech out of the ACC. Altering college football history in a small section of Atlanta for all eternity.
Trev's pick: Clemson

Rutgers (-16.5) over Maryland (330et)
I'm still on the fence on this whole Rutgers is Really Good business. Sure, I'm picking them to win. Sure, I'm ranking them pretty high....but I'm just not feeling it. They kicked some Big East butt last year, mainly the Louisville Armtacklers. Eh, whatever. Maryland is still Maryland.
Trev's pick: Rutgers

Texas (-14.5) over Kansas State (330et)
Texas is back, and ready for revenge! Revenge against the point spread.
Trev's pick: Texas

Wisconsin (-7.5) over Michigan State (330et)
I would rather root for Wisconsin as the scrappy darkhorse than Michigan State. That's just me. Michigan State is much more fun when they implode.
Trev's pick: Wisconsin

Hawaii (-25) over Idaho (330et)
Hawaii cannot afford a Milton Berle.
Trev's pick: Hawaii

Alabama (+2.5) over Florida State (500et)
I called it before, and I'm still calling it now. Something something something Dark Side. Something something something something Complete.
Trev's pick: Alabama

Southern Cal (-20.5) over Washington (800et)
Just checking, there's a decimal point in that, but I'd take -205 if I got the right odds.
Trev's pick: Southern Cal

Florida (-18) over Auburn (800et)
Tebow, he's like a really really good Matt Grothe.
Trev's pick: Florida

Ohio State (-23.5) over Minnesota (800et)
Minnesota < Northwestern
Trev's pick: Ohio State

Stanford (+14) over Arizona State (1000et)
Stanford bows to no man!
Trev's pick: Stanford

Cincinnati (-14) over Sand Diego State (1000et)
Almost last but not least, the Bearcats keep doing whatever it is they're doing. Don't stop believing.
Trev's pick: Cincinnati

Notre Dame (+22) over Purdue (1200et)
Ok, this is just getting out of freaking hand. 22 points? 22 points?!? Really? REALLY!?! Well, I guess we're riding this one to hell. The kid holds out hope for a Purdue team forgetting to run the ball. We're pretty sure the Irish can't stop the run, but we don't know about the pass so much. Why? Because everyone keeps running! I'm still hoping I get to watch the kid slowly go insane...for real this time.
Trev's pick: Notre Dame

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. He is not a speed reader.

The Most Brutal Post Ever

2007-09-26T12:31:00.000-05:00

The A/V equipment is back up and running, but we're too distracted by Halo and Dethklok to cover anything. Our bad. Last weekend recap and Trevonics to come.

-irishotusider

Week 5 Blogpoll: Revenge of the Trev

2007-09-25T14:32:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

The kid is once again insane, and our media facilities are tied up for the time being, so the Trev is completely in charge, as willed by the Trev! While depression, whiskey, Halo, and technical difficulties rule the day, I've decided to take a no holds barred approach with the blogpoll. We've seen a good portion of the season, so its not unreasonable to see some big old swings in the polls. It's still not perfect, but as long as its got LSU and USC at the top, it will probably be right at the end anyway, right? Shake it up.

LSU
Southern Cal
Oklahoma
West Virginia
Florida
Texas
Clemson
Ohio State
Oregon
California
Penn State
Wisconsin
South Florida
Kentucky
Rutgers
South Carolina
Virginia Tech
Boston College
Georgia
Hawaii
Alabama
Missouri
Arizona State
Nebraska
Cincinnati

The breakdown:

The top 5: LSU, USC, Oklahoma, WfnVU, Florida-
This shakeup begins right at the top. I can stand it no more! Chainsaw, get your ass to the top of the list. At the moment, they are flashing the talent, have a better resume, and the style points for that fake field goal are off the charts. Southern Cal could not win in Death Valley if they played tomorrow, hence, upheaval! OU is team 1C at the moment, and Florida could have jumped the Mountaineers if they could just shut down the Orgeron a little more.

The next 5: Texas, Clemson, Ohio State, Oregon, Cal-
Texas, still probably too high, staves off the inevitable with a return to beatdown normality. Thanks, Rice, you let them work the suck out. Clemson gets booted so far up here because....because.....because they are so damn fast! I think they give Ohio State a game, and Oregon/Cal have yet to assuage em of my crumpling fears for them. Cool uniforms prop most of these teams up more than anything.

The middle 10: Penn State, Wisconsin, USF, Kentucky, Rutgers, South Carolina, Virginia Tech, Boston College, Georgia, Hawaii -
OSU>Penn State>Wisconsin now that I've taken a good long look at Wisconsin's offense against Iowa. I still think the home field edges will be the difference in the Big Ten race. The next group is full of wonderment, as I'll buy in to the USF and Kentucky Cinderella business as long as they remain interesting to watch, and don't play anyone. Right now, I'd take them over any team ranked below them, just because they are on their games at the moment. Let's see if they can ride it out. VTech stays up on reputation, as does Rutgers. Boston College remains at arm's length while I check them for forreallness. Georgia should be getting more credit right now....but I'm not feeling that generous. They'll have plenty of opportunity to move up. Hawaii, keep on chuckin'.

The last 5: Alabama, Missouri, Arizona State, Nebraska, Cincinnati-
Finally, I'm punishing my 'Huskers for that Cardinal-esque display of defense against Ball State. How can I put you over anyone with defense like that? You're THIS close to getting Louisville'd right off this blogpoll. Cincy, mad props for your 4-0 start. Not so much, ASU, as we all know you'll break my heart. Alabama over Missouri because they don't play the games on Xbox.

The mysterious remains:
Purdue, Miami (FL), Michigan State-
It goes to show, you go 4-0 in the midwest, with ND on your schedule, and you get also receiving votes. Sparty and the Boilers keep people believing, and good for them. Either one is primed for middle ten territory as soon as they beat someone, extra points for on the road. Miami of Florida shows it can beat Texas A&M, a classic example of a game whose merit will not be established until later in the season.

Trev Alberts is not a recognized Blogpoller. He once ate the silver filings in his Etch-a-Sketch.

Week 4 Rundown: Pucker!

2007-09-24T16:03:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Yet another week rolls by with my Trevness being pushed to the brink by the wily lines of those scheming, filthy Germans. I am in the torment, as they would say. Meanwhile, I can still pick that straight up business with the best of them, which is probably more than any of those hacks at my former employer could say. Let's get this blasted scoreboard out

Week 4 Results:
Against the Spread: 8-10
Straight Up: 14-4

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 33-39-1
Straight Up: 56-17

I can only hang my awesome hat on the righteous hat post of the straight up. No worries, though. One day, my entire ensemble of awesome will rest comfortably on the mantle of domination.

Oklahoma 62-Tulsa 21
OU would like that ball very much please, thank you, Tulsa. The Tulsa Powdered Toast offense fizzles in the second half, and the Sooners roll.

West Virginia 48-East Carolina 7
Yarr.

Syracuse 38-Louisville 35
They all mocked me! Behold the wonderment of the Trev as I melt your minds with my prognosticating mind bullets! Would you look at that! Louisville can't defend anyone, and they certainly can't tackle. Syracuse gets one of them defining wins, defining that they don't completely suck, defining that Louisville just might not be any good at all, and defining that the Big East champion has no shot at the title. None. Sorry WVU, but I'm taking a 12-1 SEC team over you, almost unanimously, and blind. It could be Kentucky for all I care.

Clemson 42-NC State 20
CJ Spiller runs back in time to reinvent the wheel and build the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. Meanwhile, he also signs the Declaration of Independence and convinces the Continental Congress to dissolve North Carolina. So, yeah that hurts too.

South Florida 37 - North Carolina 10
USF. Still pretty good. Matt Grothe puts up 17-30 for 240 and that's more than enough to put the Tarheels away.

Nebraska 41-Ball St. 40
Oh for crying out loud, Callahan. Yeah, I'm happy for the win and all, but looking at this as sloppy as hell in all aspects. You damn near gave me like 14 heart attacks with that performance. I know, I know, you're not playing the snaps, but you're sure as hell responsible for that pointshaving piece of.....oh......you son of a bitch.......

Florida 30-Ole Miss 24
Oh my. Way to go, Coach O! The Rebels scratch and claw their way back to respectable, but still manage to fail to pull off the upset. Dem Rebah, dey gettin' bettah an bettah!

Boston College 37-Army 17
Of course, Boston College hates America, but couldn't they have been nice enough to follow through and run up the score? It would have really been appreciated. Way to half-ass the communism, guys.

Louisiana State 28-South Carolina 16
This recap begins and ends with that silly fake FG business. Did you see that? They flipped the bitch! It was effortless, it was phenomenal, and it was clean as hell, son! Right there, right now, are your LSU Tigers ladies and gentlemen. That's about it in a nutshell. They will do whatever they hell they please, whenever they please. Wh

Michigan 14-Penn State 9
For those keeping score at home, the updated transitive herpes list: Michigan, Notre Dame, Penn State, FIU, Buffalo, and Temple. Prepare for exponential contagion, but I'm not too wary of anyone outside of the Big Ten spreading it around right now. Back to the game, a typical Big Ten slugfest as Mike Hart carries probably 95% of the Michigan total offense. I backed the wrong old guy apparently, and down goes the zombie.

Ohio State 58-Northwestern 7
The Wildcats get thoroughly roughed up at the Horseshoe, and now they get to come home to...Michigan?!? Oh, you poor bastards. Warm up the ironic marching band music! I'm thinking They Might Be Giants. Particle Man.....lots of it.

Kentucky 42-Arkansas 29
Wildcatz 4 teh winz?!? I'm not even mad. This is great, just so unexpected. I mean, we all saw the offense, but that was like, you know, against fake teams? Now, we've got Kentucky sitting at 4-0 and might actually, dare I say it, make some more SEC waves before they're done? I'm not going all out to say they're the real deal, but I'm totally upgrading them to heavy spoiler.

California 45-Arizona 27
Thanks, guys. Just go right ahead and squeak by....any time now...No....NOT THE SPREAD. Way to score just enough to kick my ass while still making me doubt you. Ugh....I don't want to talk about it.....

Texas 55-Rice 7
Oh, NOW you decide to show up Texas. Great. That's wonderful for you. Really, I'm thrilled. I take the loss this week, but at least we get to see that you actually have this kind of football in you. Now, continue to tease everyone for two more weeks while I get ready to bet the family farm on Oklahoma.

Georgia 26-Alabama 23
Richt bullseyes a womprat in Tuscaloosa, and they can't be more than 2 meters wide. A nice dagger straight to the Dark Lord. There are no oil paintings in Alabama tonight. Nick Saban does not have time for oil paintings. Also, why does his press conference look like it was filmed in that creepy LOST laboratory? I was so waiting for the camera to pan over to random eyepatch guy.

Wisconsin 17-Iowa 13
Good on Iowa for making this a game, but bad on me for not taking the points in a rivalry. I totally forgot there was some kind of random trophy at stake. What the hell was that? The freaking Heartland Trophy? Now we're just making this shit up. Next year, participation ribbons for everyone!

Southern Cal 47-Washington State 17
No Uncle Milty here. Just pure, unadulterated Trojan beatdowns as Pete Carroll servants steamroll his throne over yet another PAC-10 also-ran.

Oregon 55-Stanford 31
After quite the long day filled with upsets and overtimes, just a few scant minutes after 'Bama goes down, I get to see this game come across the tape and scare the ever living crap out of me. Ducks fans, I know you all went on to walk away with this, but you have to feel a bit scared....just a bit....for two reasons. 1. Y'all gave up 31 points. 2. It was to Jim Harbaugh's Stanford. I would be at least a bit nervous that next week's game with Cal will be a shoot out. Pack your bandoleers.

Michigan State 31-Notre Dame 14
The kid's laughter can only be described as maniacal these days. He has jumped off the deep end further than last year's Michigan blowout. Of course, two more Michigan style blowouts have certainly helped. He's certifiable! It's freaking great! We're going to burn this site to the freaking ground! WOOO! 0-4 for the first time in..ever!?! I already have plenty of incriminating pictures from this week, but that is for another post altogether. Meanwhile, here's a big internet high-five to the Fighting Irish! You guys looked like a football team for the first time all year! It was a shitty football team, but a team nonetheless. Mozzle.

Trev Alberts is a CSTV football analyst. He can make plays.

Breaking News: Blame chart made public

2007-09-22T23:36:00.001-05:00

By Muppet Newscaster
ESPN News

This is a Muppet News Flash! Hot on the heels of Notre Dame falling to 0-4 for the first time in the school's history, officials have decided to finally release the long rumored Hierarchy of Blame blaming chart for Fighting Irish fans. By simply following this handy chart, fans will be able to properly direct their anger in proper, university approved, scapegoats, while observing their relative importances and overall culpability.

The chart begins at the top with his Holiness, Colonel Sanders, and Regis Philbin, as established originally by Vatican II. The following tier includes the Worldwide Leader, Colonel Mustard, Monk Malloy, and former QB Demetrius Jones. Following that tier is the tertiary level, including Phil Collins, transvestite street performers, Illinois Nazis, and Al Swearengen. Finally, once all options are exhausted, including related scapegoats implied by chart members, former head coach Lionel Tyrone Willingham.

This has been a Muppet News Flash.

Muppet Newscaster is FireMarkMay's official newscaster. He is not university approved.

Week 4 Trevonics: MAKE PLAYS

2007-09-21T14:44:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Ah, what a scrumtrillescent course of meaty match ups for this week. Fare thee well, Central Michigan. Later, Buffalo Buffalo. It's conference play, and now the mid-major ne'er do wells take a sidestep to the majorly mediocre. Gone are the scapegoats of early season cupcakery, and entering are the Sly Weeks, the Northwesterns, Dukes, Stanfords, and Baylors et al. This is just the week to convince me that I know what I'm talking about even more than I already do! I predict total domination, just the week I need to claw back to the top of both the prognosticating world and the FireMarkMay Pick Them. Bring in that scoreboard while I shamelessly plug.

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 25-29-1
Straight Up: 42-13

Just look at that straight up! Whoo!

(Please phony gamble responsibly. Trev's picks do not necessarily reflect his pick'em selections, but then again, he is a lazy bastard.-IO)

Oklahoma (-23) over Tulsa (9/21 800et ESPN2)
I can't freakign wait to watch this game! A respectable punching bag for the Sooners, and Gus Malzahn's crazy offense! For those who don't know, the Golden Hurricane (do they still call it that?) offense is comprised primarily of the world's fastest no-huddle. It's Purdue's "basketball on grass" on speed. The goal is to snap the ball within 5 seconds of the ball being placed, and Gus sends in his plays using a set of flash cards like Ben Howland at UCLA basketball....but like 3 feet tall. You have to see it to believe it. The wristband numbers are almost as tall as the backup QB sending them in. Back to the game, this means that Tulsa will probably set a land speed record for three and outs. The time of possession is going to be ridiculous. Hey, Oklahoma? Did you just score? Let's just give you the ball right back. Immediately.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma

West Virginia (-24.5) over East Carolina (1200et ESPN2)
Yarr! Pirates won't be scorin' as many points as the F'n VU!
Trev's pick: West Virginia

Syracuse (+36.5) over Louisville (1200et)
Syracuse, as bad as they are, and they are, actually has some kind of an offense, unlike some teams our editor follows. Louisville's defense is basically an oxymoron at this point, and while it's not a situation where we start calling this silliness an upset special, but I don't think Syracuse has lost by 37 all year.
Trev's pick: Louisville to win, Syracuse to cover

Clemson (-7) over NC State (1200et)
Time to figure out what kind of team Clemson is. They can't play down to the Wolfpack, and need to just keep doing what they do best, run so fast that time itself reverses.
Trev's pick: Clemson

South Florida (-13.5) over North Carolina (1200et ESPN)
South Florida has beaten Auburn and the always dreaded Bye, while North Carolina...yeah, not so much. The Trev is totally pulling for the remarkably shiny green Bulls to roll up as many teams in a dominating fashion. I expect nothing less from a quarterback with a visor.
Trev's pick: South Florida

Nebraska (-22.5) over Ball St. (1230et)
Last week is behind us. Kick the crap out of the Cardinals, Callahan, I think the interns would like me to put my pants back on. That is all.
Trev's pick: Nebraska

Florida (-23) over Ole Miss (1230et)
YOYOYOYO YOOOOO YO YOOOOO YOOOO BLOWOUT! I don't care what anyone says, that meme is never getting old. Long live The Orgeron! May his reign last 1,000 years! Brett Schayfa and his Wide (?) Boys are no match for the alligator with an undetermined power tool for a member that is Florida. At least DaCoachO can recruit. Keep this situation close in mind, kid. (We're already designing "Orgeron for Irish D-line" propaganda-IO) No chance for a split pick, even in the grove.
Trev's pick: Florida

Boston College (-27.5) over Army (100et ESPN Classic)
Normally, I would chalk this up for a trap line, but I guess I need to be burned at least once by Boston College, and I'd rather get that out of my system now, against Army. I'll buy into this Matt Ryan 4 Heismanz hype, sit back, and see if they can run it up on the Black Knights. Boston College hates America.
Trev's pick: Boston College

Louisiana State (-16.5) over South Carolina (330et CBS)
This is a a noodle-scratcher. Let me scratch that itch with a gorilla chainsaw. LSU gets the benefit of the doubt to chainsaw anyone, anytime, anywhere, until proven otherwise. The 'Cock D is alright with the visor, but they were never Virginia Tech good. Tough game for the Old Ball Coach, but the Tigers are about to click clack all over his face. I still reserve the right to look like a genius in the blogpoll should he pull this one out. Double Standard!
Trev's pick: Louisiana State

Penn State (-3) over Michigan (330et ABC)
Now that Michigan has taken they're sucking aggression out on the inept Irish, they attempt to continue to right the ship, and infect more with the transitive herpes. This is probably the most likely game to end in a push, as there's a solid chance it's a classic 16-13 Big Ten snoozefest....with 750 yards of total offense from airing it out? I don't know, I'm so confused, but I'm pretty sure zombies can't contract the herpes, so they've got that going for them. Can I just root for a meteor to turn the Big House into a crater? It's already a hole.
Trev's pick: Penn State

Ohio State (-22.5) over Northwestern (330et ESPN)
Oh, you poor poor Wildcats. Getting beat on the wrong end of the Duke ugly stick and having to recover by heading into the Horseshoe of the Beast. They're like Washington with out all that talent baggage. Lucky for them, NU fans won't be harassed, safely staying in Evanston for some random women's soccer match.
Trev's pick: Ohio State

Arkansas (-6.5) over Kentucky (600et ESPN2)
I'm very torn on this one. I want to pile on to this Wildcat bandwagon because who doesn't like rooting for their brand of SEC upset? Meanwhile, I have this gut feeling that Darren McFadden is going to blow shit up. You know what I'm talking 'bout lawyas. I mean just let freaking loose all of his Alabama aggression on the poor, porous Wildcat D. Houston Nutt gets an extra dose of crazy pills if the Hogs lose this one.
Trev's pick: Arkansas

Arizona (+16) over California (600et)
Cal, I'm just not feeling it. Somehow, someway, I just freaking know you're going to get out of this one by the skin of your teeth. It feels like a PAC-10 track meet, and I haven't watched one second of these Wildcats. Damn, there's a lot of Wildcats, I can't keep track of them all. Prove me wrong, Bears. Prove me wrong.
Trev's pick: California to win, Arizona to cover

Rice (+38.5) over Texas (700et)
It's finally come to this. I'm taking the points against Texas, and they should be ashamed of themselves. They've played Arkansas State and UCF, and beat them by a combined 2 scores. Time for toughlove, Longhorns. Every time you don't cover, I'm moving you down in the Trev poll. It hurts you more than it hurts me, I'm not the one throwing these games. I think Neon Bordeaux is their starting defensive tackle. Rice is somewhere between Arkansas State and UCF, and it's technically an in-state rivalry, so they've got that going for them.
Trev's pick: Texas to win, Rice to cover

Alabama (-3.5) over Georgia (745et ESPN)
The Imperial March continues and Lord Saban prepares to mindchoke the Dawgs. We'll be watching this one on the road from the legal department's tailgating charter bus, full of mirth, booze, and hopefully for the kid, Irish victory. A wonderful appertif to the day, two crazed SEC teams beating the everliving snot out of each other.
Trev's pick: Alabama

Wisconsin (-7.5) over Iowa (800et ABC)
Wisconsin faces their first real challenge of the year, and I say that with all due respect to The Citadel. Whither Iowa? There was once a time where they weren't two scores worse than the Badgers.
Trev's pick: Wisconsin

Southern Cal (-24.5) over Washington State (800et ABC)
Just to spite me, the Trojans are going to go back to playing Uncle Milty until a real challenger steps up to the plate. I'm still betting hard on them trying to strike fear into the hearts of all PAC-10 opponents with a complete shellacking of the Cougars.
Trev's pick: Southern Cal

Oregon (-16.5) over Stanford (1000et)
Jim Harbaugh bows down to no man! And that's a good thing, because he's going to get bent over on this one. That line is much too low for what looks to be nothing short of a blowout on paper.
Trev's pick: Oregon

Notre Dame (+12) over Michigan State (330et NBC)
I'm starting to get really worried about the kid here. He's malaise-ed, he's morose, and he's downright melancholy. If he drinks himself into a coma, how can I make fun of him? Well, the first few weeks would be great, posing for stupid pictures and whatnot, then I'd use him to create living dioramas of historic events, but then what? Besides, who else is going to run all my internet tubes and contain all the small fires I seem to start? There is no reason, not one single reason to be picking Notre Dame in this game. They are by far the worst assembled football team in the modern era. At least Duke can block, at least Baylor can score an offensive touchdown, and at least Buffalo, effing Buffalo, the Buffalo Buffalo, can score 24 at Penn State. Unreal. We're setting the Valenti meter to a nice Orange-Red, I believe it's Tangelo, and shouting a big MAKE PLAYS to the Fighting Irish.
Trev's pick: Notre Dame

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN flamethrower. He got those old wrinkled asses out of their seats and up into the air.

Editorial: We're going to drink until we're bowl eligible

2007-09-20T08:10:00.001-05:00

There's a new school of thought sweeping the Notre Dame Nation, or at least my somewhat youthfully naive corner of it. That school of thought is based in hope, bourbon, whiskey, and the Bearhunter.

We're going to drink until we're bowl eligible.

It's a noble cause if there ever was one, and it will certainly ease any future growing pains of the horrible, inexperienced team we love so dearly...I love so dearly. Trev is still reeling from Nebraska's depantsing, even going so far as dictating pantsless until the 'Huskers are once again victorious. It is wrong on a number of levels, and many of the interns are threatening lawsuits. Too bad our legal department went to Notre Dame, and they are joining me in a sympathy strike, nay, it was likely their idea to begin with.

So, as it stands now, things may not get much worse. I've convinced myself just enough to believe that this, right here and now, is the bottom, the Great Depression of Notre Dame Football. We're carting around wheelbarrows full of Domer Dollars just to buy a concession stand polish. Before, I had convinced myself that the program had hit bottom on several occasions: Davie's final year (all of it), Ty losing at Syracuse in a game that many believe never really happened, anything to do with Urban Meyer; but now, I'm certain, that the Irish team I have been woe to see these last few weeks is by far the worst football team I have ever paid money to watch. This includes my current DirecTV bill, and the $4 I paid to watch my high school get shellacked by much larger schools. Therefore, I'm going to cope with the rebuilding the only way my Notre Dame education knows how, completely unhealthy binge drinking.

It's going to start with a pre-game intensive workshop with our safety inspector, this guy:

Following that, a consistent and thorough regiment of German liquors containing jager in their name. Then, the Sparks.

I do it because I love my team. Faced with the unthinkable "I have no idea how much worse we can be", and having that answered for three consecutive weeks have put me in a place where I need to be as sedate as possible in order to not hate my beloved Irish forever.

In my heart, I know things will turn around. My liver is another story all together.

-irishoutsider

Thursday Night Purgatory Wagering

2007-09-20T07:48:00.000-05:00

By Markus, Petra, and Jorg
Welt Sexy Computerspielenhaus

Ja, Herr Alberts, we are back to provide you with the tantalizing point-spreads that only stereotypically vindictive Germans can bring to you in our haute couture of post-modern minimalism. Jorg has been toiling all season in his dungeon of computer wonderment, and now, we are prepared to unleash the abyss of nothingness upon the wagering public of the interconnectednets. How I long to hear the screams of torment echoing in the electric night. Behold!

Texas A&M (+2.5) at Miami(FL)

Ah, you didn't think we would not bring the "weak shit" into ze OB, no? What are you going to do with that as you drink your joy-joy brewdawgs in the local tavern hauses? You don't know what to do, for your are terribly perplexed by this line. It taunts you into actually believing the U is the favorite. Is this really a pick 'em at home? Which Miami team will show up? Even more interesting, which Aggie team will be present? Both teams have shown their flashes of volatile results, looking competent one day, and getting blown out by Oklahoma the next. Almost as humbling as taking Fresno State to extra periods.

So, even though mein fuhrer Trev has been mintzing abound with your so-called "American" computerspielienhauses, we bring this deadly line to you free gratis. Don't ever say us Germans are all black leather and nihilism.

Welt Sexy Computerspielenhaus is available for all of your fictional wagering needs. Please fake gamble responsibly.

Week 4 Blogpoll: Pretty Colors

2007-09-18T13:00:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Nothing like a few displays of offensive firepower to really right the rankings. Lots of teams impressed the Trev with their domination, and a few more got kicked to the curb for showing their football mortality.

Southern Cal
LSU
Oklahoma
West Virginia
Florida
Texas
Ohio State
Oregon
California
Wisconsin
South Carolina
Clemson
Alabama
Penn State
Virginia Tech
Rutgers
South Florida
Georgia
Louisville
Boston College
Texas A&M
Hawaii
Nebraska
Kentucky
Missouri

The breakdown:

The top 5: USC, LSU, Oklahoma, WfnVU, Florida-
Hear that in the distance? That is the diesel-powered hum of offensive chainsaws, whining in the cold, dark night. This group is hands-down the teams you DO NOT want to be playing anytime soon. USC and LSU are tearing through opponents with a kind of verve, yeah, you heard me, freaking VERVE, that is simply unmatched. Ask VTech or Nebraska how their expectations have been rocked as colse games on paper became prime-time depantsings. OU comes in 3rd with its ability to just plain roll, putting them above WVU on defensive merit. Florida could also be 3rd, and could be even higher very soon, if they humble the rest of the SEC like they humbled the Vols.

The next 5: Texas, Ohio State, Oregon, Cal, Wisconsin-
The enigma that are the Texas Longhorns gets banished to the next 5 for their lack of gravitas. Ohio State may be overranked here, on the count that they don't really play anyone until a couple of games in Big Ten country. Oregon and Cal are the only teams right now with a realistic shot at USC, and I place them firmly in the sandwich of taking Wisconsin's defense, but not Ohio State's....I don't have any empirical evidence to back this up other than the Buckeyes were "fast" enough to run with UW, so take it with a grain of salt.

The middle 10: South Carolina, Clemson, Alabama, Penn State, Virginia Tech, Rutgers, USF, Georgia, Louisville, Boston College-
Attrition! Attrition! Everyone moves up just by holding serve! Let's hear it for UCLA (formerly of these rankings) and Louisville (humbled by UK) making room at the top for teams great and small! Most primed to take a fall, South Carolina, of course, but the visor is still up here making us feel smart until that point in which, you know, he doesn't. Alabama jumps up by taking on Arkansas, and I'd have them as at least a pick'em against PSU and VTech right now. The Dark Lord Saban commands me....they get credit for playing Not-Buffalo. USF gets a lofty high teen ranking for simply sitting home and eating cheeseburgers, not bad. Again, is it so wrong to believe they'd give UGA, UL, or BC a game? I'm ready to move BC higher as soon as I figure out which GTech team they beat.

The last 5: Texas A&M, Hawaii, Nebraska, Kentucky, Missouri-
I'm ready to move any of these teams into the creamy middle of the rankings as soon as there's another stumble, or they throw some more upsets/marquee wins. Example: Kentucky could move up simply by beating any SEC team in my book, and that includes Vandy. Hawaii/BYU or Boise, Missouri/Big 12 South, Nebraska/anyone I recognize....you get the idea. Welcome to the show, Wildcats.

The mysterious remains:
Georgia Tech, Arkansas, Tennessee, UCLA
It's an unidentifiable mass of "huh?" after these four teams. I know they can't be much worse than this, can they? UCLA and Tennessee need to rise up above their collapsing expectations and break a few hearts themselves. Arkansas? Same thing, but some people still have them penciled in as "Bestest 1-loss team evers!111!!!". Georgia Tech is not necessarily the best of these teams, but they are probably the most likely to cobble together a respectable top 25 resume given their schedule.

Trev Alberts is not a recognized Blogpoller. He has natural camouflages.

Week 3 Rundown: Overly Farked

2007-09-16T09:24:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Finally...how many times do we have to freaking count these games? A somewhat respectable showing by the Trev of his Trev-like prowess and overall Trevosity....and it's ruined by that new fangled German fuzzy math! It was a lot of hard work, and save for a handful of crumbbums not pulling their weight, I'm looking squarely at YOU UCLA, it was an alright showing. Let's get that scoreboard in here to show how accurately mediocre I was this week. Interns, PULL!

Week 3 results:
Against the Spread: 7-9-1
Straight Up: 13-4

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 25-29-1
Straight Up: 42-13

The steady march back to respectability is going to need better weeks than this to crawl back to the top of the prognosticating mountain, a consistent effort on all fronts: instinct, random guessing, and total world knowledge. Now if only I could figure out how to get better than .500 (and learn how to count....-IO)

Penn State 45-Buffalo 24
Moral victory for the Buffalo Buffalo! You are officially better than the Fighting Irish! Look at that prodigious display of offensive output! 24 whole points against Penn State. I'm looking over to the kid right now....I think he wants to chew broken glass. Thanks for screwing up the easy money cover, PSU 2nd string...

Virginia Tech 28-Ohio 7
Stupid hook. America's new team shows they can actually score points and are somewhat recovered from last week's chainsawing. Things were bad, but now they are good, forever!

Texas 35-UCF 32
Texas, you are so cut. I have no reason to keep you above Oklahoma, we'll get to their weekly thwomping in a second, because this is just piss poor. It looks like the old Mack Brown is back, because this is one hell of a disappointing Texas team so far. What the hell? The Longhorns are *this* close to being Michigan without getting schooled by Oregon. Sure, UCF was going to want it more, but Texas was supposed to go in there and set them straight, really remind them how things work in football....but NO, they had to go let them get one of them moral victories....I hate moral victories.

Ohio State 33-Washington 14
No ladder, no flubber, no Air Bud:Golden Retriever....you lose Huskies. Sure, it's vindictive to say it, but damn, I am so happy this story is stopping dead in it's tracks. Take your Jake Locker lightning-in-a-bottle, slump your way through a PAC-10 season, and slowly implode like the West Coast Michigan State that we all know you are deep inside, if only to keep my editor from whining about one more thing. An efficient grinding into submission by the Sweatervest.

Florida 59-Tennessee 20
Sweet merciful crap! What happened?!?! I turn my back on this game for one second, and it goes from "Vols score, this is a game again" to "Oct. 6th is going to be freaking ridiculous!" I want Florida-LSU, right now. Call up Dick Ebersol, we're getting that sucker on NBC TONIGHT. Damn the broadcasting deals, we'll let the lawyers take care of that later. I want Bob Costas, Jerome Bettis, and that guy who plays Dr. Cox in the booth calling this game....and I want a life-sized replica of Buckingham Fountain in the middle of the field, in play, and instead of water, it will shoot Rumple Minze. Make it happen.

Oklahoma 54-Utah State 3
Not watching this game at all, I still have this feeling that the Sooners hung half a hundred without even trying. Wee-oww.

Utah 44-UCLA 6
Wee-oww again. I had to rewind the DVR on this ticker a couple of times on that one. Honestly, the first 5 times I saw it flash across the tape, I could have sworn it was UCLA 44-Utah 6. I mean, that's just kind of what I expected, but reality vexed the ever living crap out of me. This totally vexes me. If anyone had the Utes to win straight-up, I am calling you a liar and taking your mother out for a nice night on the town. Utah forces five turnovers, including one of those Pats-Broncos numbers that turns a touchdown into a touchback. 30-0 Utah in the second half seals the deal. Are they sharpening pitchforks again in Westwood? Honestly, I have no idea.

California 42-Louisiana Tech 12
Defense! What a great idea! Let's try that the next time we're on the road. I'm still steaming from them having to squeak it out against the Rams, and they can't cover yet again!

Alabama 41-Arkansas 38
Crown moldings and Bama bombs for all! I'm not saying I'm right or anything, but all those crazy Hogs fans have more than little old me to worry about after letting Saban mind choke this one with his evil powers. I'm more than all right with the push on this, but you have to admit, it sure is fun justifying my rankings of Alabama and Arkansas just on this game. Confirmation bias! Huzzah! Just a guess here, without reading any Razorback message boards, I'm just going to go ahead and assume that there's a tangible amount of posters arguing against sitting a concussed Darren McFadden. Back to Alabama, it's going to get fun once they learn how to finish.

Texas A&M 54-Louisiana Monroe 14
Sure was nice of ULM to give the Aggies a scrimmage before they play Miami of Florida.

Oregon 52-Fresno State 21
Glad to see the Ducks can torch the little guys too. I like that, it's what I want to see out of them. That, and 9 different uniform designs for the rest of the season.

Kentucky 40-Louisville 34
That was....unexpected? Kentucky's offense is good, but I thought all those stories were just hype to make this game interesting. Apparently, it didn't need it. The Wildcats finally get one from Louisville, and its likely death to the Cardinals title dreams, and probably West Virginia's too by the looks of it. We really need to get a Wheel of Death out here, because I think these numbers are going to be so close at the end of the year. College football: where we decide the championship based on opponents opponents opponents, group think, and poll inertia!

Louisiana State 44-Middle Tennessee 0
The Tigers feast on the blue blood of MTSU, stabbing them with their steely knives, and sacrificing them on the altar of Death Valley. They should just install The Stone Table in one end zone and be done with it.

Boston College 24-Georgia Tech 10
Ugh, Boston College is better than we thought, and Georgia Tech is not. Damn. I really wanted that to be the other way around. It's more fun watching Tenuta's defense when it actually, you know, works. BC favorite to win the ACC now? Really? Do they play Clemson? Does anyone care? That conference is like the NIT right now. Sure, you won, now go get rocked in a BCS bowl...unless we line you up with Notre Dame...just to get anybody to watch?

Southern Cal 49-Nebraska 31
Kid, grab me my bindle! We're going down to Lincoln, and I am going to have some speaks with Coach Callahan! Man, I can't believe I fell for the oldest trick in the book. Southern Cal totally "Milton Berle-ed" Idaho, showing just enough to win, then unleashed hell upon the unsuspecting 'Huskers. I can't really say I'm surprised, and now I'm just waiting for Pete Carroll to replace his golf cart with one of those sweet demigod thrones carried on the backs of 1,000 slaves.

Hawaii 49-UNLV 14
Hawaii is good! Maybe not! No wait, they totally are! Ride the WAC rollercoaster and its race to 10,000 yards of offense!

Michigan 38-Notre Dame 0
Oof! That game was a kick square in the beanbag for the kid. Watching him contort his way uncomfortably through 3 hours of...well, I don't exactly know what to call that....was a pure delight. This team is going to kill him, literally kill him, and I'm going to enjoy every last second of him trying to justify his existence in this college football world we live in. Oh my, that was ridiculous! Did you see that part where they couldn't block, or tackle, or even hold on to the goddamn football? Wow. I have seen some nose dives in my day, but wow, it was like the whole team was pointshaving at the same time. Actually, pointshavers try to make the game look respectable, so scratch that. Michigan gets a W for their performance because those are the rules, but while their record may say 1-2, it's really more like 2 losses and a hug at the end of a Special Olympics race. Good job! You did it! Let's go get orange slices!

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. He could totally rock some Rumple Minze right now, Sally.

Week 3 Trevonics: The Q is talking to me

2007-09-14T10:16:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Let's see if we can't get some other kind of liquid inspiration going this week. Time to take a hearty dose of the nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, I lost all my money betting on Georgia, knock you out before you pass out, medicine. Interns, wheel that scoreboard in here, and don't forget to bring the Steel Flask of Inebriation +2!

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 18-20
Straight up: 29-9

(Standard boilerplate disclaimers apply. Gambling is wrong outside of Europe, Trevonics does not necessarily reflect official Pick'Em picks. To sign up for the Fire Mark May Pick'Em Click here.-IO)

Penn State (-34) over Buffalo (1200et Big Ten Network)
This may look like a joke line, but it is just way too low. I won't say anything more about this other than Buffalo is a bad team. Real bad.
Trev's pick: Penn State

Ohio (+20.5) over Virginia Tech (1200et ESPN360)
Ok, for the record, the Trev does not hate America. However, after one so-so performance and one outright chainsawing, I need to see that the Hokies can score three touchdowns. The whole Beamer-ball, this anemic, has me thinking they can't. Split the pick, go America.
Trev's pick: Ohio to cover, VT to win

Texas (-18) over UCF (330et ESPN2)
What a way to open up a new on-campus football stadium at a traditional commuter school! I'm pretty sure it's an unwritten arrangement that Texas gets prima nocte to beat the ever living snot out of a team in their first game.
Trev's pick: Texas

Ohio State (-4) over Washington (330et ESPN)
You're damn right I'm riding this one to hell. If Washington wins this game without a) a ladder, b) flubber,or c) some magic dog that kicks field goals, I will eat my freaking hat. I just don't see it. Even if the Huskies have some sort of new crazy talent on their roster, the Sweatervest now has 2 whole reels of 2007 game tape, and he has intricate knowledge of UW's 12 new plays. That's 12 new plays total. Never, in all my life, have I rooted for the Buckeyes this hard.
Trev's pick: Ohio State

Florida (-7.5) over Tennessee (330et CBS)
You always take the points in an SEC rivalry game. You always take the points in an SEC rivalry game. Keep repeating it, but I'm going to fall for it again. It's at The Swamp, and there's a Tebow involved.
Trev's pick: Florida

Oklahoma (-46) over Utah State (330et)
How is there a line on this? How is it on the board? I want some answers. Still, I am totally unphased because the Sooners could have covered that last week against Miami of Florida.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma

UCLA (-14) over Utah (500et)
It's time for some quick and dirty transitive property here. BYU>Utah, BYU>Utah. It could be a push at worst.
Trev's pick: UCLA

California (-33.5) over Louisiana Tech (630et)
Louisiana Tech comes off a shootout with Hawaii, and California squeaked by Colorado State. I'm really hoping California can run it up on Louisiana Tech, and, now this may be a novel idea, hold them. If they can't do that, well, I don't know what to say.
Trev's pick: California

Alabama (-3) over Arkansas (645et ESPN)
Ok, for those keeping track of these kinds of things, Arkansas is #16, and Alabama is not. Alabama is a 3 point favorite at home, which is basically a pick 'em anywhere outside of Fayetteville. You'd think all of that hype would be pumping up the the line a little bit, but I guess the Dark Lord Saban is striking fear in the hearts of gamblers everywhere. Time to get some window treatments.
Trev's pick: Alabama

Texas A&M (-23) over Louisiana Monroe (700et)
I have to believe the Aggie defense is better than what they showed against Fresno State. They come back home to College Station, now, and the Team Formerly Known as Some Kind of Indian is waiting to get the snot beat out of them. I've seen some of the Warhawks (?) this year, and they're not bad....if they're playing Tulsa. Unless they dust off the App. State playbook, no chance.
Trev's pick: Texas A&M

Oregon (-16.5) over Fresno State (700et)
Oh my! Oregon is a freaking fantasy team on offense. I mean, did you see that fake fake statue play last week? They totally flipped the bitch! No letdown here if the Ducks are the real deal. If there's any kind of trap, its for Fresno State if they can't recover from last week's OT loss.
Trev's pick: Oregon

Louisville (-6.5) over Kentucky (730et ESPN Classic)
Damn dirty Germans! I can't believe where they set this despicable line. What, you want me to take the points in some kind of 42-40 3000 yard offensive display? You think the Wildcat defense is more robust than Middle Tennesee's? JUST GIVE ME THE FREAKING ANSWER! No matter the final score, UL is one score better than UK. I'll take the "no field goals" side bet at 3:2 or better.
Trev's pick: Louisville

Louisiana State (-40.5) over Middle Tennessee State (800et)
Thus ends the gritty underdog tale of Middle Tennessee, the scrappy mid-major that could...maybe....probably?...but just can't get it together. I don't think the LSU night game defense will be very kind to the humble Blue Raiders, and if the Tigers can hang 45 on VTech, you better believe they can do it here.
Trev's pick: Louisiana State

Georgia Tech (-6.5) over Boston College (800et ESPN2)
Georgia Tech and Boston College in an ACC Game of the Season! What? You're kidding right? This is definitely not what they had in mind when they set that up. Georgia Tech has the defense to give BC fits, and they just might. I plead ignorance on the ins and outs of BC. I'm not too proud to admit that I just don't care. I'll give the edge to the home team, and sit back to watch the aggressive blitzings.
Trev's pick: Georgia Tech

Nebraska (+9.5) over Southern Cal (800et ABC)
I want to speak directly to Callahan, again, for just a few moments. CALLAHAN! If you play this game close to the vest, I will end you, and that is for serious. I'll get me one of them LSU werewolf chainsaws, hitchhike to Lincoln using only my wits, a tin of beans, and my chainsaw member, and I will cut your desk in half! You've got Southern Cal, you've got a good team, you've got them at home, at night, in front of hordes of Americans for Nebraska! Open it up! Punch that Poodle right in his smug mouth and never let him up! Of course....this falls on deaf ears, and the Trojans will narrowly escape a worthy death.
Trev's pick: Nebraska to cover, Southern Cal to win

Hawaii (-17) over UNLV (930et)
Hawaii, despite last week's struggles, is a good team. UNLV, despite last week's struggles, is still not a good team.
Trev's pick: Hawaii

Notre Dame (+8) over Michigan (330et ABC)
What a momentous occasion! I think this is the first time I'm calling one of the kid's games, and neither team is ranked! The Sarcastic Gameday is already lined up, and I want to know why the hell I wasn't invited! No matter, I'm going to kick back, relax, and watch two once-proud programs completely implode simultaneously in that pit formerly known as the Big House. If Notre Dame wins this game, and there's no telling what can happen, I move we rename that hole in Ann Arbor (Drink! -IO) "The Litter Box". Our editor is almost certifiably insane at this point. All the anticipation, reading through the meta-meta-meta-metagame of this matchup, he's been muttering to himself something about a Double D and his magic Knifewrench. Only in his dreams. I'll take the points, pray for a good game, and wish unending evil upon the skunkbears. It's a more compelling story in my opinion. Notre Dame sucking it up is not exactly a novel concept these days...sorry kid, but the truth hurts.
Trev's pick: Notre Dame

Trev Alberts is actually still on CSTV. We're just as surprised as you.

This mortgage crisis is definitely affecting my deal with Satan

2007-09-12T19:50:00.000-05:00

By Lloyd Carr
Interim Head Coach, University of Michigan

Unbelievable. There used to be a time in this country when a man could make a deal, a verbal contract, possibly written in blood, and it could mean something. You'd look your partner square in the eye, and you'd make yourself a blood pact worth standing up for. Now? Forget about it. I mean, there used to be no question of terms, no options, no clauses, no caveats. You sign on the dotted line and you got yourself a deal for the duration of the terms, and if those terms just happened to be all of eternity, well, at least you knew you damn near meant it.

I'll be honest. Way back in 1995, I would have given anything to take Moeller's job, and we really did a number on Gary. Sure, a lot of guys were signing on with more new fangled dark religions like Pan, the goat God, that whole Xenu business, or even some of that crazy Santeria crap, but not me. Give me good 'ol Satan anytime if you're going to make a deal like I wanted to make, a real Faustian number, traditional, classic. That's the only way we do things in my house, and given the alums spoke so highly of him, I felt obliged to keep it in the family. If only he'd given me their rates!

He summons me into his office, you know, down there, and, don't get me wrong, it's nice and all, but the whole angle is to get you locked into the worst damn deal possible. He's got them slutty assistants tempting damn near everyone with their sins of the flesh, not to mention promises of eternal glory at his side, but basically, the whole place is so freaking hot you just want to sign whatever the hell he gives you and get the hell out of there. Down to business, I got this sweet low introductory rate, my credit rating got a super boost assisting at Michigan all those years, and the adjustable deals were so low, I couldn't resist! Besides, Satan is the best goddamn negotiator I have ever met. I almost had to give him the first born, but we'd agreed that he had the rights to the kids when I asked for a bitchin' Camaro back in '73.

So here's the deal, I get to be head coach of His football team on Earth, and in exchange for my eternal soul, I get to coach them to victory for all time...as long as I pay suitable tribute. We set the whole thing up fixed until I win the first national championship, and then we readjust according to the fed funds rate every so often, his call. Man, those first few years were great. I was kicking some ass and taking some names, it was downright unholy. Sure, we didn't win it all right away, but I got to kick the snot out of Ohio State 3 times in a row! 3 times! Hell yes! Hail Satan! But, then things got really silly real freaking fast.

1997. The team's is just on a tear. The boys run the table and are just plain unstoppable. We even won the Rose Bowl, the Rose Bowl of all places, that year and we're all thinking title all the way. Bullshit. That's what the coaches say, and I have to take a goddamn split title. Apparently, my arrangement didn't go over so well with some people, but they could kiss my ass for all I cared. I was going to come off a championship, ready to load up a kickass recruiting class, and that whole Satan business still fixed at that sweet low introductory rate. WRONG! "Read the fineprint," says the bifurcated bastard, "you won a national championship, time to pay up!" Half a championship, and he's counting it at the full price? To this I respond with a great big F U to the big man. That didn't go over so well, but Master must have had other things in mind, so he let it slide.

In hindsight, that was definitely not the case. You know the rest. 10-3, 10-2, 9-3..etc etc. Three-loss LLLoyd and so forth. You know why? Because that asshole Satan kept bumping my coupon payments, yet he still let me slide a couple of times. Son of a bitch just kept setting me up for the fall, and I never saw it coming. Now, this year, he tells me we got some kind of credit crunch and my tribute to His Darkness has tripled. Tripled! Eff that! I'm just calling this whole damn thing off. What's the worst that can happen? I'm coming off one of the best damn years ever, and I'm loaded up to make a real run at this....and you all know the rest.

Goddamn you Satan! I know, that's kind of the point, but Appalachian-fucking-State? And what the shit was that last week with Oregon?! You are just pantsing the everliving crap out of me you vindictive bastard! And, I will NOT take this business sitting down! I may be going down in a blaze of eternal hellfire, taking the wailing screams of hundreds of thousands with me, but I'm not doing it for you anymore, Lord Satan.

I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it for me.

Lloyd Carr is currently the head coach of the Michigan Wolverines. At least he'll have that bitching Camaro to fall back on.

Week 3 Blogpoll: Inert like Helium

2007-09-10T15:14:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Just a whole lot of things to get corrected this week. Everything else involves a whole lot of inertia as no one has won big or lost big enough to really uncement the preseason expectations. Except Oregon...because they beat Michigan....a lot. I'm still ready to go crazy-go-nuts with this list as soon as people start playing each other, and that can't come soon enough. At least we had LSU's unholy dismantling of VTech to bring some kind of actual reality to the rankings. A beatdown like that goes a long way to diffuse hypeyness into truthiness.

Outside of that, not a whole lot of stuff shaking up the Periodic Table of Trev:

Southern Cal
LSU
Texas
West Virginia
Oklahoma
Louisville
Ohio State
UCLA
Oregon
California
Florida
Wisconsin
South Carolina
Clemson
Penn State
Georgia Tech
Virginia Tech
Nebraska
Alabama
Rutgers
South Florida
Georgia
Texas A&M
Hawaii
Washington

The breakdown:

The top 5: USC, LSU, Texas, WfnVU, Oklahoma-
This group is stone for the time being, it's really a judgment call where you place USC/LSU and then order the other three. Texas' opener still casts the shadow of doubt, but I'll stay waiting and seeing. Basically, these are the teams that can dismantle almost any opponent right now, and Texas has that within them. Just because the Horns haven't yet is no reason to knock them. Oklahoma Superteam and WVU round out the list with their own brands of offensive fireworks.

The next 5: Louisville, Ohio State, UCLA, Oregon, Cal-
If the first 5 are stone, these guys are Jello. I feel like if I hold onto them too tight, they'll slip through my fingers. Still, their combinations of performance, expectations, and talent has me penciling them in as favorites over most teams outside the top 5. Louisville and tOSU have me waiting to see the other shoe drop. Maybe UL DOESNT score a million points and loses to the next Middle Tennessee. Maybe UW pulls a fast one on the Buckeyes. Who knows? Its not inconceivable. These are our concerns, dude. If I had to call out how the PAC-10 three-way will shake out today, I'm taking UCLA over Oregon over Cal over UCLA.

The middle 10: Florida, Wisconsin, South Carolina, Clemson, Penn State, Georgia Tech, Virginia Tech, Nebraska, Alabama, Rutgers-
Here's where it gets interesting. This is the vast creamy middle of top 25 logjammy goodness that has almost every team save USC/LSU watching their backs. Every one is primed to take a spot in the top 10 with a marquee win and accompanying leapfrog. The 'Cocks do us proud with their win over the Dawgs: Phil Steele power! Clemson runs past Penn State to pile on to their FSU victory...and because ND almost counts as a bye week with that dismal display. The Hokies fall to 17, a fair spot if they find some offense of their own. Nebraska had problems with Wake, and Rutgers gets no love from me for beating Navy. Why? Because I love America, that's why!

The last 5: USF, Georgia, Texas A&M, Hawaii, Washington -
Oh, the controversy! The kid feels physical pain every time I mention the Huskies in the top 25. Frankly, I can't believe it, but Boise State is a good win, which is more than most 2-0 teams can say right now. Do I take any other top 25 team over them? Hell, yes! Fun while it lasts, though. USF gets the bump from taking on Auburn and my hubris that they could take Georgia. A&M and Hawaii get no credit for their non-conference squeakers.

The mysterious remains:
Arkansas, Tennessee, Auburn, BYU, and Arizona State(1)
Ok, the whole thing is driving me up the wall with the SEC teams. I can't rank all of you, and you don't play anyone until conference play. Well, the Vols did, but they lost. They get the nod here as they'll likely play their way back in. Auburn? I'm completely clueless. Arkansas gets out of here with a win against Alabama, as they are still the recipients of my irrational hate. Sweet Xbox team, though. BYU gave UCLA a game, so we'll keep an eye an eye out on the Mormons. ASU....still so tempting...gets a look after beating Division I Football!!!!11!11!!! Colorado.

Trev Alberts is not a recognized Blogpoller. He wears a fake mustache.

Week 3 starts NOW: Michigan sucks

2007-09-09T09:33:00.000-05:00

-irishoutsider

Week 2 Rundown: Sunday Morning MegaPost 3rdMix Beatdown Revolution XIII!

2007-09-09T09:03:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Wow....that really escalated quickly. A long fulfilling day of college football and libations, leaving me bleary eyed and definitely not 100% "awares" this Sunday morning. Unable to sleep off whatever the hell it is I drank yesterday, let's get down to the business, I don't think it's going to look good for the Trev, but it could be worse, I could be our editor! Hey kid, I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think your reaction to the Irish's latest defeat involved you tearing down the neighbor's house with your bare hands! Impressive.

The just as demolished scoreboard:

Week 2:
Against the Spread: 9-11
Straight Up: 15-5

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 18-20
Straight up: 29-9

Holy hell! Get thee behind me Week 2! Simply stunning. I picked Akron to win? What the hell was I on? Kid, you've got to advise me on some of this stuff, especially when I've been drinking. Hey zeus, man, that's like....55% of your job or something? I don't know, my head is just swimming in defeat right now. I can't believe I'm the only one who can't sleep off last night's destructive forces.

Let's just get on with this, but first, a quick note from the interns' field trip to Northwestern-Nevada, probably one of the unheralded great finishes of the weekend. The Wildcats come from behind in the last minute to put away the Wolfpack, and like 2000 total yards or offense to boot. Free tickets, free parking, free Pistol, free parking shuttle school bus, and free....FOODBALL!

That about says it all, right there: GO FOODBALL! Let me officially declare that the Trev fully endorses the Foodball. The beauty of Foodball is a joy forever, so sayeth the Me, and really, that's what its all about. Oh..."He's not making fun of children, is he??!?" YES HE IS!

Rutgers 41-Navy 24
It was a noble effort, young seamen, but Rutgers laid the woodwork to you. That sentence is like 2 drinks for entendres, for those keeping track at home. I still love America, but I really wish America could cover the freaking spread.

West Virginia 48-Marshall 23
The Thundering Herd put the irregular plural scare into the Mountaineers, but it just wasn't enough to take home the Flaming Couch Bowl title. WfnVU marches on.

Nebraska 20-Wake Forest 17
CALLAHAN! I will cut you, Callahan, and that is the freaking truth! How the heck did do you only manage to get 20 up on Wake Forest? No disrespect, Deacons, but let's be real for a second. This is freaking Nebraska, and we should be Husking you right back to the ACC status quo, if only out of principle. This new order of Nebraska-Wake Forest being a close game is totally messing with my head.

Oklahoma 51-Miami of Florida 13
OU, Superteam FC (tm)....That was....unexpected. You seem to....um....have some offense there. I...don't really want to mess with any of that. Thank you very much. All Sooner touchdowns in the air, you say? Fascinating. Miami of Florida....thanks for coming out?

Ohio State 20-Akron 2
Son of a! That's just sloppy there, picking Akron to win. Hubris! Hubris I say! But, if you told me that the Zips would have gotten a safety AND be only down 2-3 at the Half, I would have punched you in the mouth like one of them boxing Kangaroos and called you a damn, dirty liar! That doesn't change the fact that all of us in the Media Center were pulling for the 4-3 double safety upset! Your'e still not off the hook, BTN!

Clemson 49-Louisiana Monroe 26
CJ Spiller ran back in time to defeat the Louisiana Purchase. This is my only explanation for the Tigers failing to cover, some sort of space-time paradox business. Word to he wise, Trevonic disciples, when a blowout game is OFF and suddenly goes ON at the last minute, stay the F away. I was certainly trapped by that one. Fair play, Gamblor.

California 34-Colorado State 28
You disappoint me yet again, Cal. Pulling this underachieving business like you always always do when I'm ready to put the full faith of the Trev on your speedy shoulders. You get out-gained by the Rams, and need 3 turnovers to bail you out of this trap game. I guess you get some credit for shutting them down in the second half, but you should have run away with it. Hell yeah, irrational expectations!

Washington 24-Boise State 10
Fire, blood rain, dogs and cats living together, MASS HYSTERIA! UW is getting a dose of the good 'ol TW magic we've all become accustomed to seeing about once every 5 years or so. Good on the Huskies, those players need something to feel good about for once, but I get the feeling this is like those years in EA NCAA where someone finds that one broken play and keeps running it over and over again until someone cracks it, with devastating regression to the mean. Jailbreak screen!

Texas A&M 47-Fresno State 45
So much for grinding the Bulldogs into submission. The Aggies get out alive in 3 OTs, but I'm still scratching my head trying to figure out how the heck they let Pat Hill's boys score 45. Is it 2005 again?

South Carolina 16-Georgia 12
You are totally welcome, Georgia. I don't know why I'm disliking you so much this year. Really, I can't for the life of me have a good reason to think you're not great, but the visor locked you down, and that just makes me smile.

Florida 59-Troy 31
We all have our new demons in this young season. Michigan has it's kittens....lots and lots of kittens...Notre Dame's having it's problems running a college offense with toddlers, Nebraska still can't figure out if they're any good, and Florida has to be concerned that Troy got 31 points. I'm sure this victory has some Gator fans feeling a little unclean this morning.

UCLA 27-BYU 17
10 points better! The Bruins hold BYU to an anemic 42 yards on the ground and win a tough game in good team fashion. UCLA, the new Cal?

Tennessee 39-Southern Miss 19
No letdown here. The Vols get some hits in on the body bag to let out last week's aggression.

Texas 34-TCU 13
Another team that just never seems to get it done when you expect them to break through. TCU, I want to be a fan so very much, but you keep letting me down like this. In a classic Valenti, you had the Horns making mistakes and you just didn't MAKE PLAYS! You let Mack Brown feed them pudding, and after the half, Texas became Texas again. MAKE PLAYS!

Hawaii 45-Louisiana Tech 44
Colt Brennan escapes the upset as the LA Tech whatever-they-ares fail to convert in OT. That about sums it up. Warriors fail to blowout, grasp desperately for the shootout win, and pull it out. WAC-tastic!

South Florida 26-Auburn 23
USF! USF! Let's hear it for the Bulls! After weeks, nay months, of preseason sleeper hype, the trendy darkhorses actually came through! It's damn refreshing to say the least. Auburn is in that rare territory where they're not getting any kind of credit for beating anyone, but anyone who takes them down gets a healthy dose of street cred. I'm all about the Bulls getting it done if they can keep these games close and get the wins in the clutch. USF!

Louisiana State 48-Virginia Tech 7
AD's of America, when LSU asks you to play in Death Valley, and they say its gonna be a night game, and the start time is 8pm local, the answer is always an emphatic no! Dark voodoo magic, the hordes of marathon tailgaters, darkness over taking the field. That is a bad place down there, mama. The Tigers have their official coming out party for 2007, and it's brutal.

Wisconsin 20-UNLV 13
Ugh. UNLV puts up an unexpected fight in a game that I can only assume had something to do with the fact it was in the most distracting city in the world. You'd think a team from Madison would be able to fight off their partying urges, but I guess Vegas Power is an unstoppable force.

Penn State 31-Notre Dame 10
An entire nation of Irish fans should be writing Lloyd Carr love letters right now because his glorious implosion in Ann Arbor, and it is glorious, is diverting all the good ink away from ND's "rebuilding." Who said that? There's that word again. No matter how you sugar coat it, it's clearly the case. There are just so many mistakes, critical mistakes, fundamental mistakes, that are the markings of a young team. The Robot Catholics are losing faith by the handfuls, and the schedule is merciless. Penn State was able to capitalize on the gifts of field position and lack of offense, but the Irish D once again get some kind of moral victory....I think....They're getting better and better? Though, you'd think they wouldn't have been intimidated by 100,000 white people.

Now onto the clinical precision of a lazy NFL Sunday. I'm sure my eventual nap will be ruined by some kind of Bears Free Money nonsense. This weekend is far from over, and the forecast is pain. My liver hurts.

Trev Alberts used to work for ESPN. He once got time and a half to tear down the set of RPM 2Night with his bare hands.

Week 2 Trevonics: 9-9 is not good enough

2007-09-06T20:30:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Rich creamery butter. You know, this is what I hate this early in the season, with all the cupcakes and cream puffery abounding in the non-conference schedules, we get like 1 top 25 matchup. Hell, Louisville even snuck in a game on Thursday night. Where the heck did that come from? It's not in the pick 'em, it's not in the Trevonics, so let's get on with it. Bring in the scoreboard:

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 9-9
Straight up: 14-4

Definitely not up to my lofty standard of Trevtastic excellence, but how about that straight up? I sure can pick these opening season tuneups, eh comrades?

(Disclaimer: Lines for entertainment purposes only. Lines and picks are not guaranteed to be Mr. Alberts' actual Pick 'em selections-IO)

Navy (+16.5) over Rutgers (9/7 700et ESPN)
Ray Rice looks more and more like video game Ray Rice, but no matter. I'm rooting for America. If you root for Rutgers, you hate America. There, I said it. The line feels inflated, and I'm crazy enough to think Navy can flex bone their way to victory.
Trev's pick: Navy

West Virginia (-24) at Marshall (1110et ESPN2)
I don't care about the hatred, or the home field. This is still West effing Virginia.
Trev's pick: WVU

Nebraska (-8) at Wake Forest (1200et ESPN)
A real test for Wake Forest's so-called vaunted defense. That's what they do well over there now, right? Callahan, listen to me. You've got them outgunned. Don't screw it up. Get it done, 'Huskers.
Trev's pick: Nebraska

Oklahoma (-10.5) over Miami of Florida (1200et ABC)
It's a show-me situation on both sides of the ball. Oklahoma is Superteam (tm) until proven otherwise, cupcakes or not, and Miami refrains from being referred to as The U until they play like it. Now would be a good time, but I think its a matter of organization. Oklahoma looks ready to run like a machine once again, and Miami of Florida has me guessing they're not gonna be there yet.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma

Ohio State (-28.5) over Akron (1200et Big Ten Network)
Calling this an in-state rivalry (just like Youngstown State!) is like putting perfume on a pig. In this case, it's mascara on a kangaroo. I think that's what they're calling a Zip these days. If they're not, they used to, and if I'm wrong on both counts, they totally should. I'd be lying if I wasn't pulling for an upset, but at least it would be of the I-A variety. I think we would all love a "Curse of the Big Ten Network."
Trev's pick: Akron

Clemson (-27) over Louisiana Monroe (100et)
This one used to be off the board, but if they're going to let me lay 27, let's roll.
Trev's pick: Clemson

California (-14) at Colorado State (200et)
I'm kind of worried for the always fun letdown trap game, but I don't think the Rams are good enough to pull this off, even at home in thin air. You run faster in thin air, right?
Trev's pick: California

Boise State (-3) at Washington (330et)
Holy hell. You beat Syracuse by a billion, and you get a respectable line against the Broncos at home. I can't believe Boise State is this underrated.
Trev's pick: Boise State

Texas A&M (-17.5) over Fresno State (330et)
The Aggies are striking me like they could grind Fresno State into submission. They might win by exactly 17, but I'm ready to take that chance.
Trev's pick: Texas A&M

Georgia (-4) over South Carolina (545et ESPN2)
This one hurts me, it really does. I'm ready to ride the visor to hell, but I got burned by dissing UGA for no good reason. Maybe this is me seeing the light, maybe its my attempt at a jinx, who knows. What I do know is that I know nothing. Trevonics at its finest. The Trev reserves the right to change his mind whenever the hell he pleases without warning or cause.
Trev's pick: Georgia

Florida (-26.5) over Troy (600et)
I really want to split the pick here as Troy gave Arkansas a decent game last week. By decent, I mean covered. Maybe if they play a real offense, we'll get a more accurate read on Troy's D...so probably next week. Meanwhile, there's the chance the Gators pitch the shutout.
Trev's pick: Florida

UCLA (-7.5) over BYU (630et)
Hahahaha! Wait....really? No. BYU, not that much better than Stanford. Sorry guys, but I just can't figure out how we got to this point. I know Stanford is bad, and BYU looked good against Arizona, but really??? Perhaps I'm too high on the Bruins, I have to think they're at least 10 points better.
Trev's pick: UCLA

Tennessee (-10.5) over Southern Mississippi (700et)
There's the chance that it's the Vols who might get the cross-country letdown coming back from Cal, and if this were a road game, I might have been compelled to go the other way on this. Neyland for teh winz.
Trev's pick: Tennessee

TCU (+9) over Texas (700et)
Remember tat whole spiel about organization? Here it is again. Texas and Colt McCoy are already in psuedo-panic mode, and while they have the talent edge, and an arguable coaching edge, TCU does what they do well. I'm looking for a mistake-free game from the Horned Frogs, just enough to hold on to the win if Texas rights their ship sometime this week.
Trev's pick: TCU

Hawaii (-27.5) over Louisiana Tech (700et)
They might cover this in the first quarter.
Trev's pick: Hawaii

South Florida (+7) at Auburn (900et ESPN2)
The other pick I'm riding straight to hell. All hail Phil Steele when this pick comes in. Let me ask you this, Trevians: Is KState that much better than USF? I don't think so. Take the points, and yes, I think USF pulls off the upset. Again, I'm waiting for Auburn to show me what the hell I'm supposed to think about them.
Trev's pick: South Florida

Louisiana State (-12.5) over Virginia Tech (915et ESPN)
Alright, I was all ready to go for the squishy pick once again. Oh, how great would it be for Virginia Tech to win this game! If you hate VT, you hate America....and so forth....well the Deep South Voodoo does not care for your feel good story, Hokies. They are here to hurt you, physically, in football. I'm also putting money on something completely inappropriate happening that will make a good number of people ask "too soon?" Back to the football, the Tigers may not have shown much against MissSt, but VT showed even less against ECU. Oh...and this game starts at 8pm local time. Does Baton Rouge have a courthouse at the stadium?
Trev's pick

Wisconsin (-25.5) at UNLV (1000et)
Unless the Badgers spend all day at Bill's Gambling Saloon formerly known as the Barbary Coast, UNLV is definitely not this good.
Trev's pick: Wisconsin

Notre Dame (+17.5) at Penn State (600et ESPN)
Lastly, we come to the great mystery that is the Fighting Irish. Remember what I said about the kid drawing spirals on the office furniture? Well, its definitely happening. He's actually starting to believe that his mancrushes Weis and Jimmy have a secret upset lined up for this week after that display of non-football last Saturday. That would be one wicked improvement from week 1. Anthony Morelli can throw a football over them mountains. Coach gonna put him in, they gonna win state. Let's go nuts and say the line's too high. Split pick?
Trev's pick: Notre Dame to cover, Penn State to win

Trev Alberts is a former member of ESPN Gameday. His drinking is very organized.

Joe Paterno is 8 feet tall if he's an inch.

2007-09-06T11:56:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

It's only a matter of days before the old man's Nittany Lions probably humble the kid's beloved Fighting Irish in front of 100,000 bloodthirsty Pennsylvanians. So today, the Trev salutes the venerable Coach Paterno with a handful of things you might not know about this learned gentleman, even if he's never seen M*A*S*H until recently.

To Joe Paterno!

Joe Paterno once coached Penn State to a 2 touchdown victory against invading Hessian mercenaries.

In his day, he was quite the ballroom dancer.

Rumors to the instance of him stealing Bear Bryant's hat are decidedly true. He used it to tureen a delicious blue corn gazpacho.

Joe Paterno is a son of a bitch. He strongly opposed the Treaty of Ghent.

He invented the trident. His original name for it was the ass-forker.

His tears are older than cancer.

Joe Paterno once schtupped Helen of Troy.

In 1927, the original production of Show Boat featured the song "Joe Pa's River."

The events of the movie "Yahoo Serious" are loosely based on his time spent in debtor's prison.

Joe Paterno was the last man to walk from Russia to Alaska.

He's actually one-quarter Sumerian. You don't really see a lot of them around.

The Mayans invented zero only after they shut out Joe Paterno. He slaughtered most of them out of spite.

Joe Paterno was a consultant on the hit show "Bonanza." He feels the percussion-heavy theme song used in its later years is a goddamn sellout.

The Bessemer process? Totally his idea. He used to yell at pig iron until it oxidized itself.

If he had his druthers, we'd all be watching football in the intended Latin.

Trev Alberts can probably be seen daily on CSTV. He also observes America's divine right to Canada.

It's a Do Over....except for you, Michigan.

2007-09-05T15:07:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Well the kid has finally worked out the kinks in the new office pool, and I've also finally remembered to start one up. Good on me for my timeliness, because last week's business was both fake and very, very real.

Cutting to the chase, I invite, nay, challenge all of you, more accurately the next 48 of you, to take me on in a competition of college confidencery! Do you has what it takes?! All your picks belong to the Trev! Standard Trevonics rates do not apply. Here's the kid with the finer points of these internet tubes:

Yahoo! memberships are required, and the group holds 50 people. If we get that high, hooray for everything, but you don't get in, you have only yourself to blame. We admittedly dropped the ball last week in getting the word out, but whatever, our bad.

Official rules:
Confidence scoring. More points=more confidence.
You have 5 minutes before this weeks Friday night matchup to set your picks.
We'll drop the lowest 2 scores, this is mainly to wipe out Mr. Alberts' current 110 point lead for cheating last weekend.
The phony wagerer with the most points at the end of the season will win a nominal prize to be determined.

Group ID#: 22011
password: trev

Click here to log into the FireMarkMay confidence pool. All hail Lord Gamblor!

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN guessing guy. He will crush you in his neon grip.

Blogpoll Week 2: The Kittening

2007-09-04T11:53:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

I think it's pretty safe to say that every single one of these damn rankings are in constant flux if the game that can be recently now known as "The Kittening" can occur. It's mass hysteria up and down the board, people! Dogs and cats, living together....you heard me.

(HT:edsbs.com)

Only 4 more days before this list gets shaken up like an etch-a-sketch:

Southern Cal
LSU
Texas
West Virginia
Oklahoma
Louisville
Ohio State
California
UCLA
Virginia Tech
Oregon
Florida
Wisconsin
Penn State
Nebraska
Georgia
Georgia Tech
Clemson
South Carolina
Alabama
Texas A&M
Rutgers
Hawaii
Boston College
South Florida

The breakdown:

The top 5: USC, LSU, Texas, WfnVU, Oklahoma-
Had sayeth the Trev: "Michigan is here ...and are current kings of the Big Ten hill until someone knocks them off." Because we're good men here, and thorough, allow me to add the obligatory.

The week in question was apparently Week 1. Southern Cal and Louisiana State walk through their openers, showing just enough, Milton Berle style. Texas is here on inertia, and I'm ready to watch them fall, but I'm playing it safe. I'll hedge by upgrading Oklahoma to 5 with their case for a mercy rule against North Texas.

The next 5: Louisville, Ohio State, Cal, UCLA, Virginia Tech-
Ohio State gets to be the new overrated team as I bump them a bit too high now that they've only got 2 games on the schedule....or Michigan could home cook them to the stone age....who knows, but I know the shine has come off of The Game just a little bit. Cal gets some serious action for burning Tennessee in their vapor trails, UCLA gets a little too much boost for an impressive display, even against Stanford, and Virgina Tech still works out the football kinks as I admit that it's probably a little harsh. We'll get a better idea of the Hokies next week.

The middle 10: Oregon, Florida, Wisconsin, Penn State, Nebraska, Georgia, Georgia Tech, Clemson, South Carolina, Alabama-
For some of these teams, their rankings are stuck like glue until something happens. Nebraska and Wisconsin get a leg up for putting on some offensive displays, Georgia gets props from me for handling OkSt's Xbox offense, Georgia Tech announces it's defensive presence with authority...maybe, and lets see some more of SOS and the Dark Lord Saban. Clemson earns a spot with an early show of swagger and speed. Them boys are some fast, bumfuzzlingly fast.

The last 5: Texas A&M, Rutgers, Boston College, Hawaii, South Florida-
Not much to say here as the returning teams need to play their ways up or out of the last 5. Boston College earns its way in as Colt Brennan single handedly brings the Warriors to 24. South Florida remains because I still believe, especially if Kansas State was giving Auburn a game.

The mysterious remains:
Auburn, Tennessee, TCU, BYU, and Michigan State(1)
The Tigers still haven't shown me enough to make it into the middle 10 logjam, their inevitable entry point in the top 25. Tennessee is here on a compromise between getting torched and playing the big game. TCU gets is done, albeit against Baylor, while BYU takes down Arizona, both are at least worth a teeny look, as is Michigan State. The Spartans get a little more than "I got my eye on you" for hanging 55 on UAB, but not much else.

Trev Alberts is an unofficial member of all ranking organizations. He hated his Etch-a-Sketch.

Week 1 rundown

2007-09-03T18:27:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

We're 99% through the carnage of the first week with the Florida State/Clemson (ie. Flemson) matchup to get the update tonight, the scoreboard looks healthy. Not so much hale, but certainly healthy. Its not too hard to get nail the straight up wagering in the first week, especially when you're me. However, in the interest of fairness, I will not be taking credit for picking games that were off the board. Am I saying this because of a certain game that I won't get into right now? You'll never know, but the thought had crossed our minds long before kittens entered the picture. Meowing aside, let's take a look at the soon to be updated scoreboard:

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 9-9
Straight Up: 14-4

Not bad. A respectable majority after a sea of uncertainty....unless Florida State screws me down to .500 on the week (haw haw.-IO)....and we all know the Trevonics show the most improvement from week 1 to week 2. It's science.

This weekend's action, in order of appearance:

Louisiana State 45- Mississippi State 0

Thursday night gave us the joyous return of the college football, and it reunited us with the adored SEC tradition, the Sly week. Most coaches might have thought of switching their QBs after the first 3 INTs thrown directly at the secondary, maybe even 4 or 5, but not Mr. Croom. No sir, he let that fine Henig boy throw 6 directly into the greedy hands of the Tigers, and almost get decapitated in the process. LSU was good, but not 45 points good, and I hope the Bulldogs remember to pack a backup next week, if only for safety's sake.

Rutgers 38-Buffalo 3
A commendable effort to open the season by Rutgers. Ray Rice runs roughshod, and the Heisman hype returns. If he can run like that all year, THEN we can start talking.

Michigan (OFF) over Appalachian State
The offseason was 8 grueling months for the nation's college football fans, and it is with no lack of malicious schadenfreude that I comfortably announce that Michigan's offseason has now been extended for another 12. Sorry guys, but it's over. Deal with that in the most responsible way possible, but this is the end for all intents and purposes. You have the Big Ten to play for, but I don't think there's a single victory that can wipe clean the everlasting shame of this loss. I award you no points, ever, so look forward to be looking up at the "also receiving votes" all year long. You are officially mortal, regardless of any possible thrashings of conference doormats.

Penn State 59-Florida International 0
Body bag games are easy when your coach is a zombie.

West Virginia 62-Western Michigan 24
Yet another Michigan team has it's national title hopes dashed on opening day.

Oklahoma 79-North Texas 10
Wow. That really escalated quickly. I think Bob Stoops killed a guy.

Texas 21-Arkansas State 13
Colt, the Trev is very angry at you. Ok, maybe I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. Feel the guilt.

Arkansas 46-Troy 26
Garbage time rears its ugly head against my precious cover. Oh well.

Southern Cal 38-Idaho 10
WTF. Maybe the line was a little high, but I'd be a little worried about the offense if it can't break 40 on Idaho.

Virginia Tech 17-East Carolina 7
In a perfect world, VT will be able to move on without being constantly reminded by the media of how they are in the media microscope.

Wisconsin 42-Washington State 21
If Wisconsin can keep up even a portion of that kind of offense, I'm sliding them up to Big Ten favorite. They don't even have to bribe me with dollar pitchers, but I would still happily accept.

Nebraska 52-Nevada 10
Pistol whipped. Damn, I'm clever. Next week's opponent is a little bit better than Nevada, though.

UCLA 45-Stanford 17
Maybe Harbaugh was distracted by his Lloyd Carr voodoo doll.

Georgia 35-Oklahoma State 10
I get to be wrong about two teams in the same game. Georgia's defense, better than I thought. OSU's offense? Not so much.

TCU 27-Baylor 0
It's Baylor.

Auburn 23-Kansas State 13
Fair play to Kansas State. They punched Auburn in the face and didn't back down, until the last four minutes. That was enough. Auburn, good enough to right the ship with a little help. That's what good teams do, but I'm still a little wary.

California 45-Tennessee 31
This pick certainly seemed to anger at least one commentor, but let me say good on Cal. The Vols hung with them, but it became a track meet. PAC10footbawteamspeed? Prepare the PAC-10 Wheel of Death.

Georgia Tech 33-Notre Dame 3
I'm a little worried about how remarkably calm the kid is after this complete debacle. Knifewrenchs, delayed blitzes, something like -8 rush yards, and an overall Tenuta shutdown leaves a lot to be desired. GTech looked like a good football team Saturday, so I'm definitely keeping my eye on them. Our editor is probably convinced he's still in the preseason.

Clemson 24-Florida State 18
Updated-We burned the midnight oil here at the office watching one of the more interesting matchups of the weekend. It obviously doesn't rise to the Mountaineer Miracle, but this was a damn interesting game by any one's standards, at least deserving exclusive billing on the family of networks. Florida State would like a do-over, I forgot this was at Death Valley, and the Seminoles were a different team in the second half. Not enough to win, but enough to keep us all guessing for Week 2. Clemson will need to learn how to finish, or else there's going to be some tough losses ahead.

Trev Alberts is the sole master of the Trevonics. It is fueled by carnage.

Week 1 Trevonics: With Frosting!

2007-08-30T11:36:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Rise and freaking shine, college football! A well-wished Lemsday to you all, and happy 2007 to everyone. We return now to the in season, the season of the Trev, and lo unto me, the alpha and the omega of all your degenerate wagering needs! Feast your eyes upon my astounding feats of prognosticatory derring-do, bold generalizations, and cowardly chalk betting! Continuing with the decorum of this momentous kickoff, let us bring out the 2006 scoreboard. Interns! Wheels up!

2006 Season:
Straight Up: 85-32
Against the Spread: 64-50-2

Now please don your ceremonial raiments as we officially welcome the 2007 season....by detonating the old scoreboard!

RENEW! RENEW! RENEW!

Season to date:
Straight Up: 0-0
Against the Spread: 0-0-0

That sure was easy. We only lost two or three interns to this year's carousel, a new record, and the office only suffered minor structural damage. Now, on to Week 1, a grueling 25 course slate of sugary delights, great unknowns, and other delicious shadowy enigmas.

(Obvious disclaimer: Trevonics is for entertainment purposes only.-IO)

Louisiana State (-17.5) at Mississippi State (8/30, 8pm ET, ESPN)

Let's kick off with one so-called main event before we track back into the sugary sweet abyss. In all honesty, in the middle of October, this game is an afterthought. Against the black velvet of uneventful tuneup games, this assumed ass-forking sparkles like a mid season clash of titans. On paper, which is really all we have to go on right now, LSU destroys any glimmer of hope within 50 miles of Starkville. There's the slightest possibility that Sly can pull a fast one on the Tigers, but I wouldn't wager anything more than 3 hours on an otherwise uneventful Thursday night.
Trev's pick: Lousiana State

This leaves the remainder of our Thrusday night viewing to be of the delectable cupcake variety. I'm not even going to give these matchups any more mention other than eat delicious Blue flavored cupcakes from our favorite staff whatsit, in honor of the Bloo-ness of the Boise State Broncos and the Buffalo...Buffalo.

Rutgers (-32) over Buffalo
Lousiville (OFF) over Murray State
Boise State (OFF) over Weber State

As for Saturday's games, nothing says whimsical tuneup match more than a batch of Monkey cupcakes. I don't know why. I can't explain it. I'm not a scientist.

Michigan (OFF) over Appalachian State
Florida (OFF) over Western Kentucky
Ohio State (OFF) over Youngstown State
Penn State (-38.5) over Florida International
West Virginia (-23) over Western Michigan
Oklahoma (-40.5) over North Texas
Texas (-39) over Arkansas State
Arkansas (-23.5) over Troy
Southern Cal (-46) over Idaho
Hawaii (OFF) over Northern Colorado

Virginia Tech (-27.5) over East Carolina (1200et ESPN)
If I could be serious for a moment, I love pirates. Like, a whole lot. I almost wanted to put this game in the cupcake file, but then I remembered that Skip Holtz' salty crew actually played in some semblance of a bowl game last year. I might as well give them some respect for that. Anyway, to get really serious for a second, the Hokies are going to put on a clinic. We're all going to be pulling for a complete barnburner in Blacksburg. Word to the wise, ESPN, don't overschlock this coverage or else we might just be watching VT on the ACC Network next year.
Trev's pick: Virginia Tech

Wisconsin (-14) over Washington State (330et ABC)
Until proven otherwise, games like this are tomato cans wrapped in power conference labels. Washington State, a respectable program on most levels, is just not getting me very excited this year. There's not even an air of mystery like Arizona State, Illinois, or Ole Miss. Do I think Washington State is going to get to a bowl game? Drawing the line right now, I'm going to have to say no. I just don't see how they can get out of the PAC-10 alive, and Wisconsin is obviously the better team playing in Madison. Two scores isn't enough.
Trev's pick: Wisconsin

Nebraska (-21.5) over Nevada (330et ABC)
So many joys of mine rolled up into one afternoon kickoff: my 'Huskers, the Pistol, and regional coverage! If everyone believes the hype that Callahan can give the Trojans a stern talking-to, I have to believe that they can get by the Wolfpack. Let's kick off the season right, no bad mojo, and watch the season develop.
Trev's pick: Nebraska

UCLA (-17) over Stanford (330et)
We all know Jim Harbaugh bows to no man, but he just doesn't have the horses right now to overtake the Bruins, no matter how many gimmes Karl may throw his way. DeWayne Walker returns a now fearsome UCLA defense, and the offense is finally getting its act together. Chris Markey is good for at least 100 yards against a likely undersized Stanford line, but that's just my Xbox talking here. Don't try to pass Cardinal, that back 4 is full of 89s and 90s. UCLA has a good three scores in them, one on the ground, one in the air, and one pick-six into the marching band.
Trev's pick: UCLA

Oklahoma State (+6) at Georgia (645et ESPN2)
The first dog of the year in a slate covered with cupcakey chalk. A lot of factors are coming into play here. The first is my Trev senses tingling that the 'Dawgs may be a skooch overrated, but more importantly, the fact that the Cowboys are a sleeper team on Xbox. A-, A-, B+ and unranked, primed for underestimation at all times. If the kids howls from last night are any indication, the Cowboys can cough it up 5 times and still win...that Orson Swindle character runs a mean offense for OSU. Back to reality, I don't think this is close enough for a middle, so no split pick.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma State

TCU (-21) over Baylor (600et CSTV)
Good old CSTV, always getting the prime cuts of the opening schedule. TCU gets Big XII tomato can Baylor with a deceptive line. I really want to say the final score will be 15-0 Horned Frogs, but, say it with me now, "It's Baylor."
Trev's pick: TCU

Auburn (-13.5) over Kansas State (745et ESPN)
I'm not completely licensed to say this, but, FREE MONEY. Kansas State, at night, at Jordan-Hare, against Auburn. Helmets will be flying off, rock music blaring at Guns 'N Roses decibel levels, and a Tiger team that certainly feels neglected this offseason. Sure, they're in the top 25, but I get the feeling they've got a big old chip on their shoulders this year. I sure as hell know I'm not giving them any respect, but this game should be a cakewalk for Auburn.
Trev's pick: Auburn

Tennessee (+6) at California (800et ABC)
Sure, Cal is spitting blood and seething for revenge, but I just think the Vols hold serve this weekend. Mark it up to the old chestnut "goodol'SECfootbawteamspeed" and I know Cal is the new Oregon with its sleek speed and fancy uniforms, but last year in Neyland they showed how soft they were. I don't think they can toughen up enough in one offseason. Here's still hoping they rock the Trojans though....It's a tough game, I can't split it under 7 points, but I hope its the marquee matchup worthy to look forward to.
Trev's pick: Tennessee

Florida State (-3.5) over Clemson (9/3 800et ESPN)
*All apologies to the brothers Mac for not getting this one in on the original post. All this cupcake business left me with quite the sugar crash. This game and Hawaii fell through the cracks. Apologies for any Northern Colorado fans holding out hope. As for the Labor Day bumfuzzling, I'm sorry Clemson, but I'm just not seeing it in the cards. Bowden's rallying up the troops and, again, the Xbox isn't picking up what you guys are putting down. That run game is going to have to get past Chuck Amato's boys, a defense that can only be described as "perky" this early in the season. Repeating the obvious: Florida State, night, flaming spears, Oakley sunglasses.
Trev's pick: Florida State

Notre Dame (-2.5) over Georgia Tech (330et NBC)
As usual, we throw this last one in for the kid, the crazy bastard that he is. Depending on where you look, you could argue that the Yellow Jackets are ranked, so maybe that can give you solace in this otherwise lengthy Trevonics. Probably the greatest unknown of this season is WTF the Irish are up to this season. Knifewrenchs? Jimmy Clausen? Good D? Bad D? Who the hell knows? Theyre like Georgia Tech, except no one knows their names. I'm looking out for Tashard Choice as usual, as he is a beast on 2008, and gave the Irish brief spurts of fits last year. Also, their potential starting QB is a wannabe CIA operative who just might complete 50% of his passes...so not Reggie Ball. Mysterious all around, but no one likes a whiny editor.
Trev's pick: Notre Dame

Trev Alberts is probably still working for CSTV. He loves him some cupcakes.

News Flash: ND QB controversy in the midst of triple triple reverse

2007-08-29T19:57:00.001-05:00

By Muppet Newscaster
ESPN News

*******THIS IS AN EMERGENCY BROADCAST OF THE EMERGENCY BLOGGING SYSTEM*******

This site is enacting the Emergency Blogging System. This is not a test.

FireMarkMay.com, in voluntary cooperation with the Federal Communications Commission and federal, state, and internet authorities, have developed this system to keep you informed in the event of an emergency.

Late Wednesday, sources have divulged the identity of the starting QB for Notre Dame's home opener against the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. Breaking the story with the help of Facebook, a social networking site, the Notre Dame blog known as Robot Charlie divulged the identity of said starting quarterback to be none other than Demetrius Jones. Known aliases of Mr. Jones include DJ, DD, Double Disaster, Mr. Jones, QB #3, and "that scrambling Irish QB guy on NCAA."

Concerns that the release of this "state secret" is causing the Notre Dame Nation to begin the wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth a full 48 hours before a snap of meaningful football. For ease of reference, the NDN security alert has been raised to "unnecessary yellow" or "The 2005 'The Shirt'":
The larger issues at hand are both the amount and direction of damage the spilled starting secret has created. Initial reactions are leading to the possible excommunication of the noble amateur blogger, but that may soon to be reconsidered as an over-reaction. The real concern is the nature of the information leak, the credibility of the source, the true source of the source, the motive behind said source, the gamesmanship behind the leak, and the interpretation of that gamesmanship by internet commentors, and the fanbases at large.

To be clearer, we have no proof at this time that this inside information is not actually disinformation by the hands of the actual Robot Genius, Charlie Weis. Long known to be fascinated by text messaging and keeping secrets tucked neatly under his large, stretched-out Notre Dame coaches' hoody, Coach Weis man in fact want us all to believe that Jones is the starter when, in fact, he is NOT the starter. If he is not the starter, then who is? This leads us all back to our original assumption that this internet communique is actually leading us all to believe that the true starter of this Saturday's home opener is in fact Jimmy Clausen. Of course, for that to be known and the logical end of this information, Jimmy must, in actuality, ALSO not be the starter. Therefore, by process of elimination, Evan Sharpley will be leading the Irish onto the field against Georgia Tech, which, of course, is what Weis wants us to think. This leaves us to the chilling conclusion that the starting quarterback is none other than "that other guy", Darren Bragg.

We here at the Emergency Blogging System hope this clears up the situation for everyone, especially Georgia Tech DC, John Tenuta. We know he is keeping close tabs on this situation as it develops, and is now scrambling to reorganize Thursday's practice to gameplan against Bragg. However, if that's his gameplan, the Irish will have to counter with their own adjustments which may not include Bragg at all.

More on this as it develops, or when my eyes uncross.

This has been a broadcast of the Emergency Blogging System. This is not a test.

******END TRANSMISSION******

Muppet Newscaster is the sole operator of FireMarkMay's EBS. He is also unnecessarily yellow.

Book Review: Saturday Rules by Austin Murphy

2007-08-28T15:00:00.000-05:00

Talking it over with our legal department, we've all decided that if anyone is capable of giving any kind of endorsement, its myself. You might think its because Trev can't be trusted with full creative control, but its really because he's mastering the Pistol on NCAA right now. He doesn't have time for anyone to read 325 pages to him.

Saturday Rules is a quick run through the major events of the 2006 season. Mainly focused on the Irish and Southern Cal, Murphy gives us the story lines both on the field and off, illustrating key points of each game in the heat of the moment, even with the occasional insight into his side-notes. Outside the game, he colors each battle with the backgrounds of various coaches, Weis and Carroll being the main yin and yang, and players. Each chapter focuses on a key game from last year, but he occasionally jumps past some upsets to show the shadow they cast on the following game.

Overall, it's a great light read to get you ready for the 2007 campaign. Murphy certainly hits all of the major points of last season, but it often feels like he often skims the surface. Maybe my daily college football surfing has spoiled me with more details than I could possibly give justice, but I feel like most people picking up this book will have at least a good idea of the finer points of last season. Weis coached for the Pats, Ted Ginn Sr. coached a bunch of current Buckeyes, Urban Meyer's spread offense is sexy, and Rutgers used to be really bad. Unfortunately, with each game/event only taking up 10 pages or so, the chance to dig any deeper is lost in the whirlwind of a writer crossing the country many times over.

However, that whirlwind is part of the book's character. Murphy's frequent flying is all over his writing. Running across the country, through SFO, to cover the absolute highlight reel of 2006 match ups (he even flies into Columbus' "Intl" airport), his frantic schedule takes over the writing. Between the storylines, he covers pivotal games with rapid-shot details that boil even epic struggles like UM-tOSU to a page or two. Again, an excellent way to brush up on your recent college football storylines while getting ready for the new year. Pick it up for your next road trip.

-irishoutsider

This campus business is rough

2007-08-28T08:11:00.000-05:00

Guest Commentary

By Joe McKnight
USC RB, VHT PS#1

Don't get me started on all that tradition business. I understand that, that's what I'm here for, to be the man down here in Cali, The LAW, if I can be so bold. But, let me just begin by saying that while I respect an admire Coach Carroll for recognizing a talent such as myself, and bringing me out here to light up the Coliseum night in and night out, some of this stuff is just not rolling the way I thought it would.

Let's start with these so-called accommodations they had us set up in. I mean, shoot, son, almost none of them had any air-conditioning. I'm not even talking like, hey, they broke, I mean, that shit wasn't even standard in the first place. This is LA, is all I'm saying, and I've got to be rocking the AC if they expect this high-performance machine of mine to be running at top speed. Can't get overheated on me, come on now. They even paired me up with this pencil-necked busta from down the coast. Some OC whiteboy talking on and on all day about his film school. George Lucas posters all up in my 11 by 11 box. I mean, I like Halo and shit just like the rest of y'alls, but I'm gonna lightsaber his ass the next time I bring a girl back here to find him knee deep in that action-figure playset shit. That must have happened, like 6, 7 times this week before I hit Coach on his Blackberry. Seems like a bunch of my teammates were having similar altercations, and we got ourselves some housing upgrades real quick. Good luck with that box fan your mom's got you at Shop Rite, Star Wars.

While I can't exactly go into the details of my latest rooming situation at this time, I will say that it's clean as hell, and I'm staying with my boys on the team now. I've been hanging out with Marc Tyler, dicking him on the new Madden, and talking about how we're getting no respect on the practice fields. I mean, we the shit, right? All I hear during the week is Chauncey this or CJ that, and Marc hears me too. He's all like, we didn't come here to ride no pine like a sucker. I know I came here to get me some prime time, right? You hear me. Strap me on one of them visors and getting that PT with the Ones.

I mean, the football is hard enough, but now this campus stuff is getting real. I've got like classes and stuff coming up, and they like all over the place. I got to get me one of them golf carts, or acquire myself one of those bikes I see lying around all over the place. And the food? That spread is nasty, man! All this training table business is hurting my finer palate sensibilities. I mean, that smoked salmon is farm-raised, these bagels ain't got enough flax, and there certainly no Omega-3 hiding in my eggs. I sent one of those grad types away from his cancer-curing microscope and run some diagnostic shit for me. I heard he helped Reggie and Matt get some other fluids looked at, if you know what I mean. You sure as hell do. Yeah, we run this, what? Back to that dining situation, I don't know how these non-players are getting it done. I took a look at some of that chipped beef and ham sandwich they lining up for the rest of them and I'll like get me some real sandwich. I look around, and all we got is this west coast, greasy-ass In and Out shit 'round here. I heard the closest Panera is out in El Segundo, and the Ralph's, they don't even carry milk-fed veal all that regularly. Fuck that shit.

How you gonna keep running a top-flight program like this if you ain't got no flax? That's all I'm really saying man, I know you hear me. I'm Joe McKnight, RB1, son, and I've just got to know that y'all are taking good care of this scholarship you're extending. I could have gone to a lot of places, but I chose here. Sure, I could be out there earning like some guys I know, but I'm here, ready to earn me some of them trophies, some of them rings. So get me the rock, and where the fuck is that skinny whiteboy with my soy chai?

Hook 'Em Horns

2007-08-27T13:19:00.000-05:00

By Muppet Newscaster
ESPN News

The new year is barely a day old, not a snap of official football has been played, but the Big XII fans are in mid-season form. Allowing ourselves to sit back and take in the splendor of this news story, we allow the headline to speak for itself, excerpt to follow:

Church Deacon, OU Fan Tears Scrotum Of UT Fan In Bar Fight
(HT: Uncle Smooth and NBC5i.com)

A couple of months before the annual Red River Shootout between the Sooners and Longhorns, words were exchanged at Henry Hudson's Pub between Allen Beckett, 53, and Brian Thomas. Witnesses said it was because Thomas was wearing a UT T-shirt. Neither Thomas or Beckett chose to comment, but the police report described what happened to the victim, including graphic details about his injuries that included a torn scrotal sack with partially exposed testicles.

We close this news bulletin with the obligatory "Ode to a Nut Shot."

Muppet Newscaster has returned from hiatus. He is still hiding from the legitimate media.

The time of the preseason has ended

2007-08-27T00:01:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

With the waning moments of the preseason behind us in our make believe rear-view mirror, do not be fooled by its made up warning. While it does appear closer than it appears, take my word that the preseason is firmly behind us. Now that the last of the practice updates are a thing of the past, let me be the first to ring in this glorious gameweek! No more shall the analysis be of the backward looking variety, no more future projections based on incomplete 2006 knowledge, no more discussion of summertime blues in the mode of KC and his benevolent Sunshine Band. Why? Because I, the Trev, have willed it!

Your soul belongs to me once again, mysterious interwebs, and as I flip this large novelty switch, signifying the end of our darkest of seasons, please feel free to picture any one of the following ceremonial accouterments to ring in this glorious transition:

the release of several hundred doves
the pealing of bells, both religious and secular
the hissing-tap of several kegs at once
that crinkly tin sound the bottle of lighter fluid makes
the expensive sound of an electric guitar destroying personal property
the wail of our editor as his credit rating is soon to drop
and many more!

With the pomp out of the way, let us move on to the circumstances. Please rise, gentleman doff your caps, and join me in the recitation of the FireMarkMay loyalty oath:

The FireMarkMay Loyalty Oath
by Trev Alberts

I [state your name], pledge allegiance
To the Trev, and the glorious state of football,
And to the obsession, for which it stands.
One nation, under the influence
with tailgating and marching bands for all.
Amen.

Please remain standing, and join all of us, especially The Hasselhoff, in the singing of "Looking for Freedom"

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN empty suit. He is currently reenacting this video in his office.

Sell by Sep. 1st: Preseason Blogpoll

2007-08-21T10:07:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

We are nigh on to 11 days remaining in this fleeting preseason. Time to put in our first official ballot for the Blogpoll, even if I'm not official, and even if it's not officially started. Considering you need to be in the preseason to make a preseason poll, now is as good a time as ever. I've been able to distract the kid with various football distractions and Guitar Hero 80's, so let's get this over with.

Southern Cal
LSU
Texas
West Virginia
Michigan
Oklahoma
Louisville
Virginia Tech
Florida State
Ohio State
UCLA
Oregon
Florida
Penn State
Wisconsin
South Carolina
California
Nebraska
Alabama
Missouri
Texas A&M
Georgia Tech
Iowa
South Florida
Hawaii

Comments, Observations, various unfounded preseason Speculation:

1-5: USC, LSU, Texas, WfnVU, Michigan-
You're odds on favorites to win the coveted BCS auto-bids, and heir apparents for the national title game. Southern Cal and LSU are my defacto 1-2 based on combination of talent and schedules. Texas comes in at 3 because I have them as a slight favorite to win the Red River Big XII Title game. WVU get Louisville at home and are otherwise freaking ridiculous. Michigan is here with ND, THE Ohio, and Penn State at home, and are current kings of the Big Ten hill until someone knocks them off.

6-10: Oklahoma, Louisville, Virginia Tech, Florida State, Ohio State-
This is a tricky area, especially considering the entire muddle that is ranks 4-10 this preseason. There's a lot more question marks than anyone would like to admit, and no one has the Trevosity of one such as myself. It boils down to this for my preseason prognostickery: Who would you rather be in NCAA 2008? Texas over OU, UM over OSU, WfnVU>>>>>>Louisville. Technically, if I held 2008 standard to my entire top 25, WVU would be 1-3, followed by USC, and Hawaii, Penn State, and Notre Dame would be ranked irrationally high. VT/FSU belong up here as the predicted class of the ACC with some favorable scheduling to boot. Ohio State rounds out the rest as they only play 3 games, and get 8 preseason tuneups to work out the kinks.

11-15: UCLA, Oregon, Florida, Penn State, Wisconsin-
The required "2-3 losses, but maybe less with some help" section. Previously dominated by soon-to-be meat-grinded SEC bellweathers, this year's poll is foolish enough to believe that any of these teams has the opportunity to pull a fast one on Southern Cal or Michigan, or, in Florida's case, get out of their SEC schedule alive. Penn State has the slight schedule edge on Wisconsin, and we're already penciling in UCLA and Oregon for prime spots in a PAC-10 Wheel of Death.

16-20: South Carolina, California, Nebraska, Alabama, Missouri-
Someone has to win the Big XII North, and I'm already getting ready to watch my 'Huskers lose to their title game by 40 points. It's actually an honor to be sacrificed for Dr. Pepper. South Carolina and Alabama get in as teams that can make me look smart despite losing their divisions. Missouri begrudgingly rounds out the end, just in case they live up to the hype.

21-25: Texas A&M, Georgia Tech, Iowa, USF, Hawaii-
Darkhorse. Darkhorse. Darkhorse. Darkhorse. Colt Brennan. He plays in the WAC. A great WAC team is always 25th, crossing their fingers for some kind computer help, not unlike the movie SpaceCamp. The Aggies and Yellow Jackets have their work cut out for them, and I'd take A&M in a fight. Iowa gets the obligatory Big Ten BYE schedule...maybe they won't screw it up. USF is almost cliche, but I'm riding it to hell.

Also receiving an undisclosed amount of unordered votes:
Auburn, Tennessee, Notre Dame, Rutgers, Georgia, Arizona State, and Duke (1)-
Anyone of these teams, except for Duke, could be in the 15-25 range by mid-September. All it takes is a few stumbles or, in the Volunteers' case, dousing Cal in moonshine and lighting them on fire. Arizona State, again they tempt me, convincing everyone else that they should be someone to watch, now with 100% more crazy Erickson, so I'll throw them into the the honorable mention category. Rutgers may just outlast their sophomore slump, and a low top 25 season would be certainly commendable. The Irish are an enigma wrapped in a riddle, so to keep the kid drawing spirals on the office fixtures and muttering about secret robot transmissions, I'm throwing them firmly in the "possible potential" category.

Trev Alberts is a licensed CSTV football talking guy. Excuse him while he drops a truth bomb.

Positional struggles of impending DOOM

2007-08-14T14:44:00.000-05:00

By Cerberus
1st circle of the Underworld

From the depths of darkest Hades, I had been summoned by the Dark Lord Saban to devour one Trev Alberts, He who mocked the Dark Lord, commissioning internet implications that the Dark Lord was, for lack of a better word, a poofter. Upon reaching the pre-fab gates of this modern-day cubicle-shaped dominion, I was greeted warmly by a a festering pile of the primordial and handed a nice saucer of warm cream. Although I am lactose intolerant, I enjoyed it immensely as both a token of gratitude and for its dairy delectableness, garnished with some nice coconut shavings, but I digress. Having entered the inner sanctum of the one they call Alberts, I found him boorishly dozing on a fold-a-way cot, still sullied with the stenches of an unsavory evening and senses dulled by such. As wrenching one's soul from their slumber is most unhonorable, I calmly waited like an agile hunter, preparing for my dutiful strike while my prey broke free of his chains of bourbon and rye. The minutes turned to hours, and the hours turned into quite a time stealing afternoon. Busying myself with inspecting his office, I realized that his earthly domain was truly foul, fit to be a country home for myself, a break from the daily toils of Hades for the mere light-hearted masochism of this internet punditry.

Caught unawares in my daydream haze, He who is Trev blindsided me with praise, some informal grooming, and a thorough game of That Which You Call Frisbee. You are a pernicious lot of beggars, thieves, sloths, and other ne'er do wells here, and you shave a fine coconut. Make me a doghouse in the style of He Who Is Snoopy, The Dog Who Walks, and you shall have my services.

Now, with that infernal segued introduction firmly in my past, I bring to you, oh handful of obsessive electronic fanatics, the positional struggles of impending DOOM! Yay, these struggles are sure to tear your carefully crafted predictions asunder. Your hopes and dreams crash upon the rocky crags of uncertainty with every stumble of your alma mater. Look, thee, into the abyss. (As is your heathen custom, I tip my proverbial hat to Rivals.com)

Southern Cal running back: CJ Gable, Chauncey Washington, Emanuel Moody, and Joe McKnight-
The unending list of touted running talent knows no bounds in Heritage Hall. In truth, the list is infinite, as the position is truly a Hydra. Strike down one back, and two spring up in his place, an endless cycle of controversy. On and on, the mobius strip of pain and HB Wham shall turn, and a silver poodle shall yip wildly in the blackest of the moonless nights over Englewood. The bodies of the also-rans shall rise so high, the clamoring for playing time so intense, eventually the fields will run red with blood, as practices cull the weak. Unfortunately, the surviving victors shall be horribly stricken in the melees, unable to perform. SO IT IS WRITTEN! DOOM! DOOM UNTO THEM!

Notre Dame Quarterback: Evan Sharpley, Demetrius Jones, and Jimmy Clausen-
A truly biblical struggle as the entire Fighting Irish team is shrouded in mystery this season. The guise of rebuilding clouds all judgment, and the always enigmatic offense of the obese robotic man further muddles the picture. Each man has a unique skill package that completely transforms the team's identity, from dual-threat madness to austere pocket efficiency, causing all outcomes to be both possible, yet impossible. The howls from South Bend following every practice report will fall deaf to the unending screams of horror should the first anointed QB fail to complete the slightest check-down. The dust will settle, and their false messiah will arrive with the sound of a trumpet, signifying the end time of unimaginable DOOM! AS REVEALED IN THE DARK HYMNALS AND TAKEOUT MENUS OF THE DAMNED! DOOM!

Colorado Quarterback: Bernard Jackson, Cody Hawkins, and Nick Nelson-
Another three-headed beast of the two-deep, and the festering evil within warms my cold black heart forged from the blackest, coldest obsidian, in the depths of the Underworld's reputed glass-blowing district on 7th street. A program radically shifting schemes like the sands of time in the vortex of the never ending abyss of the hereafter, the noble Buffaloes search for a leader of a faceless army. The visor-clad hordes shield their identities, until one imminent day the coach puts his kid in under center. The silent moans of the Colorado faithful ring throughout the mountain time zone like the din of an unexpectdly adorable demonic hummingbird. DO NOT IGNORE ITS HUMMING OMENS! DOOMY DOOM DOOM RINGS IN THE HALLS OF THE MOUNTAIN KINGS!

Florida State Seminoles Quarterback: Drew Weatherford, Xavier Lee, and Christian Ponder-
More controversy of the quarterbacking variety, as the Seminoles have been long cursed with the spectors of these men's prospects hovering over them like a lucid telemarketer calling in the middle of the night. The wrong number of pain and devastation begat to all on the....excuse me, I lost my place...woe unto the truth-listerner type who mishears the clarion call of the all-knowing Bowden patriarch, bumfuzzling his way into the decision that molds his program's fortune. An endless enigma of athleticism versus efficiency wrestles to be wrestled upon within each of the upcoming warrior spirits, but they must choose from the breakfast offerings of their ancestors wisely, as they must not choose improperly. A poor choice is not part of a balance breakfast! DOOM TO THOSE SIDING WITHOUT BREAKFAST SANDWICH! DOOM UNTO THE UNACCOMPANIED HASH BROWN! DOOM! DOOM! DOOM!

Cerberus is the hellhound guardian of Hades. He's a huge Snoopy fan.

Football is hard work....and groin pulls. ND Practice Pics.

2007-08-12T12:31:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Alright, fiddling with the kid's camera here. Let's see what he's got...

Ok...So you drove two hours before the sun came up to watch a bunch of dudes stretching. Good work on that. Hope it was worth it.

That only slightly above average smudge in the middle of the kid's point-and-shoot is his idol, Charlie Weis. All stories of hearing his voice at practice have been versed only in awed, hushed tones.

At center, Corwin Brown, despite ravaging heat and humidity, appears to be wearing like two full sets of Under Armor cold gear. That would be uncomfortable to anyone even half the hardass of Mr. Brown, the Duke of New York, A Number 1!

Left to right, David Bruton, Tom Zbikowski, and Ambrose Wooden. I think they're running the "burnt on playaction" drill. Don't tell Tommy I said that. He looks like he'll kill anything that looks at him the wrong way.

Yikes. On a similar note, do not taunt fullback Asaph Scwhapp... Shortly after this was taken, the managers gave him a live goat to devour with his Gatorade.

Munir Prince of NCAA '08 "I am the most ridiculous 3rd string RB in the game" fame, taking reps with the cornerbacks. I'm not an expert on depth charts, but I play one on TV, so this looks like probably a real good thing if he can make the switch for you guys.

This picture is slightly blurred because JC threw an 8 yard out immediately following its digital capturing. Any other discussion of his 2-3 for 12 performance requires an official papal imprimatur. I'm sorry, but its strictly regulated by Vatican II.

I'm getting the kid an internship at Tiger Beat if he keeps this crap up. I swear, every time I even mention his name, the editor titters like a schoolgirl watching High School Musical...but he's no Zac! If you say Jimmy is dreamier than Zac, I will cut you, and that is for serious.

Trev Alberts is a grown man getting paid to talk about college football on television. He will still cut you.

Release the editors!

2007-08-10T13:10:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

I guess we're starting this year's Amazing Trev Trip of Wonderment a little bit early, as the kid's beloved Robot Genius has seen fit to open practice to the teeming hordes willing to head to South Bend at the crack of dawn....

(HT: UND.com) NOTRE DAME, Ind. - Fans looking to get a sneak peek of the 2007 Notre Dame football team are invited to attend Fan Appreciation Day on Saturday, Aug. 11 inside Notre Dame Stadium. The event starts at 9:00 a.m. and lasts until 11:30 a.m. and is free to everyone in attendance.

Led by head coach Charlie Weis, the Irish coaching staff will run the football team through its only public practice for two and a half hours, weather permitting. Gates at Notre Dame Stadium open at 8:30 a.m. and seating is on a first come, first served basis in the lower bowl.

Stadium concession stands will not be open but fans will be allowed to enter with non-alcoholic beverages in plastic containers. Notre Dame ushers will be present at the gates and throughout the Stadium and will remove any patrons who bring in alcoholic beverages or glass containers. Restrooms will be open in the lower bowl of Notre Dame Stadium.

Autographs and/or photos with the players or coaches will not be available prior to, during or following practice. Fans are encouraged to park in the lots located just south of the Stadium. Tailgating prior to and following practice will not be permitted. If weather forces the team to practice inside, the event will not be rescheduled.

WHAT: Fan Appreciation Day
WHEN: Saturday, Aug. 11, 9:00-11:30 a.m.
WHERE: Notre Dame Stadium
COST: Free (No tickets required)
SEATING: General Admission in the lower bowl (First come, first served)
PARKING: In lots south of Notre Dame Stadium or Library lots
GATES: All gates will open at 8:30 a.m.

We're tentatively scheduled to have Irish take in all of the morning splendor with co-defendant Brian from HouseRockBuilt, hopefully with pictures, sound, and video if he deciphers the secret map I created to reveal the hiding place of his camera. I will likely be unable to attend as I have a bender penciled in for this evening.

Of course, kid, while you're out there at practice and all, see if you can get some reps in with the slapping coaches. You hit like a girl.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN stuffed shirt. When he hits you you'll know it.

Word up, Trev

2007-08-07T12:07:00.000-05:00

With the recent NCAA text messaging ban, we've taken the liberty of accessing the coaches' private chat room to see how they're handling the situation. With obvious hat-tips to The Dugout and HouseRockBuilt, enjoy. -irishoutsider

*******You are logged in. Welcome to the chat!*******

LastTemptationOfWeis:
This text thing is killing me, Steve.

FieSemmay_OnThree:
I know, Chuck. How in the hell am I gonna keep in touch on the back nine?

LastTemptationOfWeis:
The whole situation makes me angry. Angry and hungry. Hungry for justice.

FieSemmay_OnThree:
It's too damn hot out to be angry.

LastTemptationOfWeis:
Damn hungry hot! We've got to do something.

******COACHOSMASH has entered the chat.*******

COACHOSMASH:
WHOMESSAWITHACOACHOPHONE!

FieSemmay_OnThree:
NCAA getting to you, Coach O?

COACHOSMASH:
UDAMMARIGHT! WEREALLDATYPAFONESAT?

LastTemptationOfWeis:
They took them, Coach O. Looks like it's hit you pretty bad too. We're just going to have to call in all the coaches and try to get this changed.

FieSemmay_OnThree:
Yeah. That's a great idea.

FieSemmay_OnThree:
Shucks, Chaz. I'm getting fitted for this year's visor at 3. Can we push this back?

COACHOSMASH:
DACOACHO's HUNTINBIGOL' GRIZZLAHBARES UNTAHNEXLEMSDAY!

LastTemptationOfWeis:
Well, hell. I've got practice all month, and then the season, you guys know how crowded the schedules going to get then...

FieSemmay_OnThree:
Damn right. And the press conferences, and the luncheons, and the

COACHOSMASH:
DACOACHO SPEAKATLEAGUEAWOMMAVOTAH PANNYCAKEBRUNCH!

FieSemmay_OnThree:
and all that other crap. Can we push this back to like, December?

LastTemptationOfWeis:
Probably not, we'll probably be getting ready for some kind of bowl game.

FieSemmay_OnThree:
Same here. Horsepiss...I need me some texting. Say, Coach O, you're going to be free, right?

COACHOSMASH:
REBAHGOINTOWINITALL!! DON'TYOUPUTYA WITCRAFFONME SPURYA!

LastTemptationOfWeis:
Calm down, everyone. Here, have a danish.
/offers danish

FieSemmay_OnThree:
It's the internet, Charlie. I can't have your danish.

LastTemptationOfWeis:
/eats 3 danishes

I've already had your danishes for you, problem solved.

COACHOSMASH:
IJUSSMOKA' SOMGATAHMEET!

FieSemmay_OnThree:
Yeah, I gotta start game planning for those dadgum bastards too...Want to just hang out on here?

LastTemptationOfWeis:
Yeah, I can do that. It's not the same, but it'll have to do I guess.

COACHOSMASH:
LEMSDAY.

Time for Two-a-days

2007-08-06T13:50:00.001-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

That's right! Roll out the barrels, roll up your sleeves, it's time to get back into the trenches. Its time to get back in game shape, up for game speed, and now is definitely NOT the time to say you can't take it. Practice, official practice, not this namby-pamby secret summer probably really mandatory crap either! Real practice! Real football! Praise be to Football Jeebus and all of the many fruits of his labor.

The kid's too busy losing ranked games on Xbox to keep everything in check, sloppy bastard, so its up to me to rally in the troops. Interns! It's time to tighten it up! We're doing two-a-days to get into fighting shape. Consider it tailgate practice. Keggers, steinhoists, AA meetings, bad Simpsons referencing, we're running the table, and if I catch any of you crumbbums not pulling your weight, you're going to get my neatly polished Trev-label wingtip right where your biscuits are baked.

Consider it fair warning. Consider it a return to Trevosity. I expect and demand everyone to hold up to my lofty standards of preseason preparation, and there WILL be a fitness test on Labor Day!

(Before he gets too far ahead of himself, I'm just going to assume that I should warn everyone to "practice responsibly".-IO)

Over the course of the next 25 days or so remember to brush up on your tailgating 3-techniques (shoot, drink, eat):

Drink a beer in the shower
Brush your teeth with scotch
Grip work for bottle opening strength
Sleep with your clothes on
Focus on your chicken wing technique.
Memorize political positions for drunken recall
Chubby chase
Become re-acquainted with your favorite plastic-bottle brand vodka
Photocopy the contents of your wallet for easy reclamation/cancellation
Create a 30-minute College Gameday drinking game
Resume daily "2-minute hate" of least favorite sports figure
Challenge the mayor's daughter to a gentlemen's duel
Brush up strategy with your lawyer or power of attorney

The list goes on and on, but you all get the idea. It's football season! Kick a dog and celebrate!

Trev Alberts is current CSTV analyst. No dogs were harmed in the writing of this article.

Posted with comment

2007-07-30T09:57:00.000-05:00

We try to keep our soapbox locked securely in Trev's office, as he tends to use it only for imaginary soapbox derbies and as a dais for the occasional stuffed animal military rally. However, I feel that from time to time I need to borrow it from under the nose of Bloo's bedazzling arts and crafts time to say a few words about my beloved Fighting Irish. I feel that its use in such ludicrous circumstances is warranted.

Kevin White, Athletic Director of the University of Notre Dame, continues to embarrass the storied tradition of Notre Dame Football until it is nothing more than a glorified traveling circus. There is no substance to his recent actions, from corporate sellouts to jumbotron inquiries to playing Wazzou in the middle of Texas, other than sheer revenue-whoring. This practice should be considered an insult to every Irish fan, pure exploitation of our football history.

More learned Notre Dame enthusiasts have carefully constructed this argument much better than myself, so I will direct you to the fine people at ND Nation and Blue Gray Sky to learn more.

That said, all future references to Mr. White's hair-brained schemes shall be made under the assumption that he is, in fact, flash-toon pioneer, Homestar Runner.

Notre Dame AD Kevin White, sponsored by Adidas.

For further review, I present the classic short "Thing in a Bag" as a metaphor for Kevin White's savvy negotiating of the college football landscape.

*Update-We've pushed the flash movie off of the site. You can still watch it at Homestarrunner.com at this link.

Thank you for your time. We now return to our regularly scheduled general referencing and ramblings.

-irishoutsider

The running of the voles

2007-07-27T11:51:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Today marks a great day in the history of this unborn college football season, the official blog premiere of the Las Vegas proposition bets, first appearing over at The Wizard of Odds. Before I get to a more specific analysis of the early returns, a more in-depth look at the rich history and the glorious tradition of the secret world of the bookmakers, also known as the American Rotary Club.

The shadowy organization known to us as the Rotary Club is actually an intricate network of degenerate gamblers, organized only by their depravity, shielded from prying eyes through their enormously generous charitable donations and accompanying pancake breakfasts. Buffalo bruncheons were canceled in 1836 due to scarcity. The Rotrarians worship Fate and all of its fortuitous whimsy, symbolized by the circular gear in their logo. The Gear was added in 1921 further disguise themselves as a legitimate industrial concern. Andrew Carnegie's cousin, Silas Carnegie, the famous vole-shipping magnate, was a legendary member behind the change and also famous for correctly wagering on the Boxer Rebellion, but none of this is important. Present Day, the crux of the Rotary Club's power and influence lies in Las Vegas, where they pull the hidden strings on the entire local gaming industry and practice their bizarre rituals in the underground meeting centers of oft-neglected downtown casinos. Rotrarians are the true setters of the Vegas line, a blood line that has been passed down since the days of King Solomon, and determine all proposition bets in the dark ritual known only as Four-legged Rounders. Every July, following the traditional feast of the Luprecal, and just before the local pancake breakfast, hordes of members flood the underground passageways bunkered beneath The Mint casino. There amongst the discarded table felt and copious supplies of slave labor, they meet in their inner-sanctum of book-making, home to their spinning arena.

The game is simple. A large spinning wheel covers the surface of the arena floor, and the perimeter of said wheel contains 51 identical holes, each labeled with the previous year's top 50 football teams. The 51st spot is left vacant in homage to Gamblor, their neon diety. In recent years, this spot has been known to represent "the field," when applicable. At the third call of the conch horn, all assembled members proceed to sing the sacred Rotrarian hymn, Camptown Races in the traditional French. Following the coda, 51 four-legged woodland creatures, ranging from the smallest marmot to the mangiest skunkbear are let loose upon the twirling battlefield. Each "varmint" has a number between 4 to 11 (accounting for half-steps) painted upon its greasy coat in indelible ink. When a forest-dweller reaches a marked hole by either mortal combat or fleeing, the opening line is set for the corresponding team. The result is a beautifully gamy display of chance in its purest form.

With that exposition out of the way, let's take a look at some of the early results:

Regular season victories(Team must play all regular season games for action. Bowl and conference championship games do not count.)

10.5
Louisiana State
-A true challenge of the over/under, basically a straight-up bet on LSU's "for real"-ness and "run-the-table"-osity. The added .5 makes this a head-scratcher.

10
Louisville, Michigan, Oklahoma, Texas
-The "of course THEY'll be good, right?" group, teetering on the edge of awesomeness while threatening all with the masked shame of 9 wins. The only real purchase should be Louisville, as they tend to only play 2 real games anyway. The other three retain the right to break your heart.

9.5
California, Florida, Florida State, Penn State
-A much more clear-cut group. Cal and Florida are strong buys to get 10 wins while both Florida and Penn State still struggle to show they can win without playing the games on paper. On talent alone, the whole set is underpriced.

9
Auburn, Georgia, Nebraska, Ohio State, Tennessee, UCLA
-An extremely tricky group as each team has a little voice inside them that screams "8 and 4." Not every SEC team can have 10 wins, can they? UCLA is probably most likely to get 9 or more with Nebraska and Ohio State's schedules helping them bring up the rear.

8.5
Alabama, Iowa, Miami
-A set that can only be described as "you don't know any better." These teams sound like they could get 9 wins, but what do we really know? Dark horses all around. Optimism leans towards Alabama and pessimism away from Iowa and Miami.

8
Arkansas, Clemson, Texas Tech
-This entire set just gives me a bad feeling. Enticing, considering previous accomplishments and/or potentially explosive offensivity, but overall, I would simply just stay away then wait for a push.

7.5
Kansas State, Notre Dame, Texas A&M
-Notre Dame and A&M have the ability to get 8 wins, so this one's basically for Aggies and Irish fans. K-State just feels like a stretch.

7
Arizona, Georgia Tech, Oregon, South Carolina
-Two teams who will flirt with 7 wins and two teams who will get 7 wins on their heads. I'll let the readers pan it out.

6
Kansas
-The fat man is worth 6 wins alone.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN analyst. He enjoys a good tasty vole every now and again.

NCAA 2008: An Early Treatise (with hobos)

2007-07-18T19:25:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

First impressions are in, and my original conclusion is that this wonderful edition of the game shall cause us all to lose our livelihoods. Rejoice and be glad, noble Trevians, soon we shall all be riding the rails, Xbox bindles in hand, and hurtling towards the inevitable hobo quickening, that time when all the worlds hobos assemble to do battle in this great electronic gladiation of metal and brawn.

Basic Gameplay:
First things first, how does it play? Without saying, the obvious graphical upgrades pop off the screen in glorious HD. Should you have the means, I highly recommend it. From that certain sheen of new unis, to the gradual wear and tear of an oft-visited endzone, the details are wonderful. While I've yet to commit to whether the game lends itself more to the ground or air battling, upgrades in animations and "feel" are going to change how we play the game. Long gone are superman dives and arm-tackles. You have to take it on, make real commitments on defense, or you will become as House Rock Built will note "dicked."

Overall, bound to cause many many nights of wholesome entertainment, symbolized by e-hobo.com's hobo #690 Chiptooth Berman, the Bottle Biter.

Dynasty:
1a to playing your buddies over a round of brew-dizzles or the internet is Dynasty mode. This year's version can only be described as "Excessive Compulsive." The in-season recruiting board has now expanded to 35 players as well as 20 separate "pitches" and promises your coach can make to seal the deal. Keep your word, integrity ratings increase. Don't? It catches up to you, kind of like Houston Nutt. I would have liked to see scheduling contracts and neutral site games, but that would involve a whole other layer of Athletic Dept. simming, but I don't think the world is ready for that obsession in EA form.

A stalwart of the series remains unblemished, and now we can recruit Canada!
Bring in #71, Canadian Football League Pete!

Create-a-player/Campus Legend:
Speaking of Canada, the robust player creator allowed me to place myself, and my 80 pts of calf development, into the Canadian HS playoffs, working hard for my dreams to play in the Americas. As a young whippersnapping scrambling QB in Chambly, Montreal, I must play 4 games at storied "High School Stadium" against Canada's finest prep schools. The biggest twist to legend mode this year, and dynasty for that matter, is the Super Sim. In Campus Legend, you ONLY control plays you are in on. Repeat. That's it. You don't call the plays, you don't play both ways, you sim to the next time you get to touch the ball, and then, only control yourself. A bold decision that may define the mode, if I must say. Whatever, Trev QB #8 is doing his best impression of the Sex Cannon, audibling, effing it, and going deep, son.

We're going deep. Hobo #189: Skywise, the Sexual Elf.

Xbox Live Multiplayer:
Last but not least, the omega of any EA yearly sports title, the online play. Wrapped seamlessly into the games menus, theres no need to log in to servers or crap as long as your connected to Live. Quick matches and custom setups are easy to get going, but stay the hell away from the lobbies. I love the 1337 speek as much as the next guy, but not....thi....s......sloww........here's hoping its just opening day jamming, and I'll be back to pwning in no time.

Last but not least, that worldly archetype of the hobos, #171 Twink, the Reading-Room Snoozer

Trev Alberts is a former Nebraska Cornhusker. He is currently playing HS football in the hobo-free woods of upper Canadia.

Prepare the list

2007-07-17T12:36:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Begin the stockpiling of provisions! The media room must be filled to capacity for the long trials that await us. Kid, get thee to the nearest GameStop and don't tarry! Interns, begin the compiling while I run throught the checklist in handy blogged bullet format:

(1) Copy of NCAA Football 2008 for Xbox 360
Nerdy headset for interactive Trev-bashing
Side of beef, slow-roasting for (12) hours on open flame
Hot sauce
(2) bottles of Barenjager, chilled
Copies of Phil Steele's College Football 2007, the unofficial strategy guide
Sparks
rechargeable batteries
adult diapers
intertubes set to tonight's Steele packed edition of EDSBS Live
individually wrapped moist towelettes
pine bench for non-playing spectators
ship-in-bottle kits to pass time
whiteboard for perpetual dynasty mapping

That about covers it. Our fearless editor will be most likely rejiggering his beloved Irish roster and playbook into some kind of crazy Wishbone-spread hybrid whatsit, so he'll likely be bringing his own knifewrench for TD celebrations. (Demetrius Jones: 83 OVR, 88 SPD, 92 THP, 84 THA, what! -IO)

Trev Alberts is a current CSTV blogging type guy. He enjoys the smoky flavor of mesquite

The End is Near!

2007-07-16T13:56:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Saints be praised! The preseason officially begins tomorrow with the release of NCAA Football 2008. I can wholeheartedly say that this past week has simply been one long bender, preparing us all for the mayhem, online mayhem, and other assorted mayhems that will begin once we fire up the 360 for another season knee deep in two deeps and recruiting pitches. Its like tailgating practice, practice for games that dont exist.

Running Barenjager tally: 3
New Trev rule: "Anyone buying one bottle of the Bearhunter must buy TWO bottles of the Bearhunter."
Additional known-alias: Honey-meister

I'm keeping myself purposely in the dark about all of the new wrinkles in this year's update to the popular gaming addiction. Expect a full first impression report from the desk of Trev as soon as I recover from the awesomeness. We're putting Bloo and the interns on full alert: There are to be no fires or mock naval battles in the media room until the awesomeness is fully calibrated. We don't want to mess with the equilibrium. Last time that happened, Mario Party was somehow 80% more Japanese, and that's how Octoberfest started.

So, consider yourself warned, college football intertube blogosphere. You will all be pwned by the Trev in due time! Meanwhile, enjoy superfluous gypsy punk celebratory strike!

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN football analyst type. He is currently burning his copy of 2007 to form a festive campfire.

Gogol Bordello: Because I can, and I will

2007-07-10T20:35:00.000-05:00

In no small part because Gogol Bordello's new album, "Super Taranta," was released today, we're taking a break from our normally lightish posting to bring the gypsy punks and their underdog world strikes to our corner of the interweb.

Consider it just another distraction in this eye of the offseason's hurricane. 7 days to 2008.

-irishoutsider

A Very Prussian Independence Day

2007-07-06T10:03:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

This is a cause for celebration! As you may already know, the Trev engine does not run on pure Alberts fuel alone. Many things, the least of which being consumable, non-consumable, and probably toxic substances, are the metaphorical coal shoveled by imaginary sailors managing the fictional furnace of my soul. Today, I am pleased to announce to the world, the discovery of a new combustable that I am sure will stir men's souls much as it is stirring mine. Gentlemen, I give you Barenjager!

Just marvel as it glistens in the in the light. It's viscous honey liqueur is a wonderful dose of medieval mead, and 70 proof to boot! 15th century fermentation, huzzah! Huzzah, I say! Loosely translated, Barenjager is "Das Baernhunten", "Der Baerhuntarr," or the anglo "Bear-hunter." All I know is, this stuff is honey based karaoke fuel! Phenomenal! (Boilerplate disclaimer here: enjoy all liquors, exotic and domestic, responsibly. At least more responsibly that Mr. Alberts-IO)

I feel like writing a sonnet, or a limerick, or whatever the hell those renaissance types did to pass the time between drinking festivals. A whole new Jager! It's like I've discovered some lost continent or something where we all wear shoes on our hands and hamburgers eat people! You there! Man on the street! What day is it? WHAT YEAR IS IT! Drinking Baerhunter is like traveling through time at the speed of regular time. But, more importantly, it raises the question, are there more varieties of Jager out there? It's like alcoholic Pokemans or something. I must drink them all if these two German cousins are so tastefully delicious.

Not to mention the other nickname, The Baron. This stuff should be imbibed in a snifter while wearing a monocle with a name conjuring up images like that. Flying around in dirigibles and whatnot. Fanciful indeed!

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. He moonlights as a Jager sommelier.

MGoBlog predicts Blisstonia for 2007 Irish

2007-06-30T14:08:00.000-05:00

Brian of MGoBlog fame has made a rather apt comparison in his responses to our bootleg roundtable:

"Notre Dame fans could, with only a little prodding, end up building Charlie Weis a spaceship so he can fly them to salvation."

Charlie Weis, ND's own Robot Genius, the center of Robot Catholicism, the rock that the molder rejected, does bear a striking resembelance to The Simpsons' cult leader, The Leader, of the Movementarians. We Fark, You Decide.

-irishoutsider

Roll Trev Roll!

2007-06-28T11:30:00.000-05:00

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

The glory of Trev knows no bounds, interweb! In just a scant 14 months, we've hit six figures on the odometer! Hell to the yes! Hell yes, I say! 100,000 visitors to this monument to college football, me, Sparks malt beverage, Kool-Aid, me, Epcot, and more college football!

I have to give thanks to the blogging community at large, you all know who you are. But, more importantly, you all know who I am. Every cult following needs a cult leader, so thank you for letting me be your High Holy Grand Wizard of the 33rd Level of the Trev. Furthermore, this site would be nothing without the painstaking care, maintenance, and sobering presence of the kid. The next time I throw a whiskey bottle at your head, Irish, I'll try to miss, but just the one time.

Lastly, most recent handslapping goes to the fine, fine fans of the Alabama Crimson Tide. What can I say? It was just a random rundown in the middle of June, but thanks for believing in me. Basically, I just wanted an excuse to post this. Enjoy.

Trev Alberts is an honorary merchant marine. He knows that the Kirby Silver Surfer is the only true Surfer.