Updated: Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Golden Trev Club Circle Club

In light of recent proposed renovations to Michigan Stadium,
I have decided to spruce up the old homestead myself. A few coats of paint and some elbow grease, and I can make my own house as resplendent as The Big House. I am a man with a plan. Let's get to work on the new Alberts home, or as it will be known, YieldGard Field at Alberts Stadium.

First of all, we are going to completely raze the structure and start from the ground up. I should say below the ground up. Once the building is torched in a ceremonial, and perfectly legal, Viking funeral pyre, work will begin on excavating the the new foundation. That's right, just like Michigan Stadium, the House that Trev Built is going to begin as a hole in the ground!

Courtesy of the University of Michigan. Yes, sir. That's a fine fine hole.

From there, a new esplanade will replace my former driveway, complete with modern amenities like merchandise kiosks, a Trev Alberts Hall of Fame, and a Coldstone Creamery. I intend for the walkway to be two fire engines wide and accommodate the high traffic flow I expect before and after college football games. Atop the Coldstone Creamery will be a permanent Gameday studio, perfect for on-site broadcasts with sweeping vistas of the entire compound. No Mark Mays Allowed! Sweet!

Back to the main feature, the stadium itself will have wider concourses, state-of-the-art locker rooms, and will be completely handicapped accessible. Does my family need all of this for their day-to-day business? Heck no! But you know what? Daddy's got some free time on his hands. The kids can get their schoolwork done in the adjoining recruiting lounge while the little woman makes herself at home in the stainless steel commissary. We Alberts men, we eat like an army, and now, honey, you have the tools to cook for one. Who loves you, baby?

You wish you had a Ferris Wheel like that, don't you Mark?

Within the stadium, a stately enclosed pressbox will feature a top-notch media center as well as over 800 club level seats. We're going to call it the Golden Trev Club Circle Club, reserved for those who make significant donations to the Alberts household. Benefits include private suites with autographed portraits of yours truly and a full cash bar. Gratuities are appreciated.

As for the field itself, I've thought long and hard about the aesthetics, and I've decided to maintain a classic, traditional atmosphere within field of play. No advertising, but the new 80ft HD Jumbotron will be able to provide sponsored highlights of all of the action. It's what the fans want, really. Outside of football season, the field would available for local Toughman competitions, monster truck rallies, and mock naval battles. For summer concerts, I've already begun negotiations with several record labels, although I'm still waiting for some more mature responses.

It could be an offseason full of plunder, adventure, and dirty, pirate hookers!

All of this is smalltime, however, as the main goal is to land a major December bowl game for YieldGard Field. We'll need a few more corporate sponsors, but I've already begun designing the booster committee's blazers. They're going to be a light teal. Next thing you know, we'll be looking back on all of this at the 10th annual Tournament of Trev parade.

What? You don't like it? Come on! Sweetie...dang....

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN personality. He is currently sleeping on the couch.



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1:17 AM  

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