Updated: Friday, June 30, 2006

The End Time



Finally, the kid's hard work has paid off, and the audience I so richly deserve has come knocking. I told those suits that Trev Alberts had "it." I've got "it" in freaking spades, man! Watch as I bludgeon the internet with "it!"

Let's get the formalities out of the way. In exchange for the kid's first born and cash considerations, FireMarkMay.com got a shoutout from the college blog moguls over at EDSBS. A gift basket arrived today including an Entertainment coupon booklet, decorative soaps, and my very own copy of Phil Steele's 2006 College Football Preview. Not to rest on my laurels, I've commissioned our editor to begin molding a graven idol in my visage.


Getting back to college football, this off-season has people playing "What If?" with conference affiliations yet again. The Kansas City Star, by way of The Wizard of Odds, brings an interesting scenario: What if Colorado left the Big XII for the Pac-10?

Let's look at the chain reaction this would cause.


The W.O.P.R (left) pictured with one of its many programmers.

  • Colorado and a Mountain West team (BYU/Utah) head to the PAC-10
  • The new PAC-12 gets lucrative title game, creating new BCS scenarios in which Oregon, Colorado, and Cal can get screwed simultaneously.
  • To replace Colorado, the Big XII takes Arkansas. No one in the SEC notices.
  • The SEC, now needing a 12th, steals Louisville. The Big East tries to throw a basketball at UL, but it is deflected by a large pile of football money.
  • The Big Ten swoops in and tries to finally claim Pitt. WVU challenges Panthers to a duel.
  • According to current NCAA regulations, conflicts over final conference spots must be determined by Robot Jox, opposed to a playoff because "this is the system we have in place."
  • Wannstedt forgets to install offense, WVU to Big Ten, Pitt to the MAC.
  • The remaining mid-majors realign, no one notices.
  • Notre Dame AD Kevin White continues to "monitor the conference landscape" using an old version of NORAD's W.O.P.R. Confused by Dr. White's public statements, the computer launches an attack on NATO.
  • Defcon 1.
We're through the looking glass here, people, consider this fair warning. Yet another argument for taking the computers out of the BCS equation, it just makes sense.

I should get back to the yard, I think the kid built a golden calf.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN anchorman. He once slapped Dabney Coleman.

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