Updated: Monday, June 19, 2006

Pundit Yourself



Madlibs, is there anything they can't do?


Orson over at EDSBS has made it easy for you to make your very own preseason top 25. It's like analysis-by-numbers, I love it! This would have been perfect at ESPN, in fact, I think Ivan Maisel had you all beat by at few weeks.

Earlier, I wrote that any moron could top a ten. It's even easier than that now, thanks to this preseason ranking formula, and I've decided to take that one step further. Why stop at ranking the teams when you can write up the team synopses as by the numbers as well? I've devised the following do-it-yourself write-ups so you can analyze like the pros!

Every conference is different, so I've made a template for some of the BCS conferences:

SEC
Being in the nation's [toughest/hardest/strongest] conference is never easy, even for [coach] and [workhorse RB]. After a brutal non-conference schedule that includes [cardinal direction] [southern state] State, Univ. of [southern state] [non-urban city], and Troy, [team] faces [traditional rival] and [next closest team] in a pair of grudge matches that are sure to get the attention of the polls, and the computers, come mid-season. Could be this year's darkhorse.

PAC-10
With [touted QB] manning an offense that avg. [# over 300] passing yards/game, [team] is sure to make opposing teams stand up and notice. Their defense got hit hard last year, giving up almost [# over 30] points/game, but they are returning almost their entire [defensive unit] corps. [Coach] needs to worry about [date of USC game] at Southern Cal, but that other team from [state] will be sure to cause their fair share of problems as well.

Big Ten
The scheduling gods seem to have smiled on [team] and [coach] this year. They dodge both [MSU or Michigan] and [Penn St./Wisc.] while getting [Iowa /OSU] and [Minn./Northwestern] at home. 12-0 or 11-1 is a real possibility with a few good bounces. With [touted QB] posing a dual-threat for visiting defenses and an experienced line, [team name] Nation could be smelling roses.

Big 12
Drawing top HS talent from [state] is always easy for [coach], but will it be enough? Any stumbles early and [Texas/Nebraska] or [OU/Colorado] could be in the driver's seat for the division. However, if [team] can tough it out through the first few games, they'll only have the [rival] game to worry about on the road to the conference title game.

ACC
Is this [coach]'s last year in [town]? Expectations always run high at [not Duke], but failing to reach the BCS this year may be the last straw. The whole season could hinge on the [Miami/FSU] game, but [VTech/NC State] is always tough. I also think [Clemson/BC] could play the spoiler yet again this year. We'll see what [new offensive coordinator] has to say about that.

Between the top 25 math and these templates, punditry is a snap! The internet, eh? What a time to be alive.

Trev Alberts is a ex-ESPN pundit. He prefferred "101 Hamburger Jokes" to "Mad Libs".

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