Updated: Friday, June 09, 2006

A Grey Escape

All hope seemed to be lost. Trapped inside this holding cell for at least two days, accompanied by various Austin homeless types, drunken revelers, and cross-dressing politicos, Mr. Alberts and I appeared to be headed for a longer stay. We have been unable to make bail since Trev used our one phone call to wager the majority of our petty cash on last night's Mavericks-Heat showdown. For those of you who are unfamiliar with his betting style, when Trev is wagering he likes to use his own “analysis.” This includes such gems as “which mascot would win in a fight,” “coolest uniforms,” and “coach with slickest haircut.” I won't go into his other “Trev-factors” at this time, those are proprietary information, but taking the Heat straight-up seemed like a good idea when surrounded by a horde of angry-drunk Rockets fans at 2 am.

Just one of our many problems in Austin.

So there we were, backed into a corner by Mr. Alberts' faith in Pat Riley's hairstyle and likely stuck in a Texas jail cell awaiting our arraignment, when I finally got another wireless signal from a nearby Whataburger. It lasted just long enough to show Trev these two articles discussing the Huskers' recent downturn. Enraged by the bloggers' disrespect for Nebraska and his drinking buddy, Mr. Solich, Trev became enraged. He was like Lattimer from “The Program,” but with less crying. He proceeded to beat the living snot out of any Longhorn fan within clobbering distance.

When the guards came in to break up the fight, he went Jack Bauer on them! It could only be described as jaw-dropping. There he was, Trev Alberts, backhanding one of Austin's finest, stealing his sidearm, and pistol-whipping his partner. In a matter of seconds, we had a clear escape. Trev screamed, “Anyone else want a piece of Trev?!? COME ON! MAN UP!” The rest of the vagrants cowered in fear as he grabbed the Mobile 1, with me still attached, and headed out the door.

Once outside, Trev hijacked a nearby Greyhound bus. I guess ESPN has power to commandeer in Texas, the bus driver yielded control after being flashed Trev's old security badge. To keep up the charade, we convinced the passengers that Trev needed to get to Orlando ASAP as he was late for this year's ESPN:The Weekend. This was unnecessary as the bus was, coincidentally, already headed for Orlando, and most sports fans know that ESPN: The Weekend was in March.

So Mr. Alberts and I head east to Florida. I marvel at his ability to escape a Texas jail cell and his ability to drive a 20-year-old Greyhound bus. He's telling me to pay attention to the road, check to see if we have any tails, and to take a memo. I'm guessing he wants to get the legal parts of the Austin trip down on paper.

More to come.

*Transmission ended 10:10am*




Anonymous dawizofodds said...

Just found your site and am enjoying it. Some funny stuff!

The Wiz

3:42 PM  

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