Grand Theft Punditry

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Inspiration strikes again thanks to Ed Orgeron, Orson Swindle, and their legions of admirers. If Ole Miss is like a Hummer, what about other colleges? This has off-season written all OVER it. With an extra tip of the hat to the well-circulated Hey Jenny Slater's Simpsons Cavalcade of Football, let the idea-borrowing begin.


Ohio State-Escalade
When I think of college football and cars, I automatically think of Ohio State. If there's one car that sums up the Buckeyes, it's the Escalade. It's big, it's bold, it's allegedly the gift of choice. Metaphorically tied to the program's traditionally staunch defense, it will roll over any opponent too slow to run around it, or over it.



Oregon-Honda Civic
The shiny paint jobs and endless modifications have become synonymous with the Ducks and their overt uniform deal with Nike. While Stu loves the latest look of these modern gladiators, they make me think of guys who spend $40,000 to soup up a $20,000 stock car. Sure, Oregon looks awesome, but they always seem to fall behind at the finish.


Michigan-Toyota Camry
The poster child for conservativism, the team is always dependable for a good, not great, year while getting excellent mileage. The Wolverines may not be the flashiest, but they are always there. Camry owners cite hordes of statistical evidence saying their cars are the best. They claim they have the "most cars sold" and "highest customer satisfaction", but those reports are usually dated, if not completely skewed.



Miami-Chevy Camaro
When your big brother and his friends drove theirs around the neighborhood, you thought they were the coolest thing ever, plenty of horsepower and chick magnets. With their inherent swagger and power, you thought they would never go out of style, a new classic. Now? Well, now you feel kind of dirty driving one. Still a favorite of enthusiasts everywhere, but no one really knows why.


Tennessee- The General Lee
This one is obvious. It's a car, it's orange, and the horn plays "Dixie." Phil Fulmer also bears a striking resemblence to Boss Hogg. Maybe you thought I was going to make a RV trailer joke here. Nope, that's reserved for...


West Virginia- Double-wide Trailer
With all due resect to the hard-working, blue-collar types of the Mountain State, West Viriginia is "almost there" with respect to the bigger programs. Sure, trailers are great, but it's not car, not yet a house. Of course, like most trailers the Mountaineers are pulled by a single workhorse.


USC-BMW 750Li
The classic sporty luxury car, fully-loaded, with more class than you'd expect. Most owners don't ever use all of the various features, but it usually blows away the competition anyway. You're always a little bit jealous of it, but you can't shake the suspicion that it was bought with ill-gotten gains or that the driver is hiding something in the trunk.


Florida-Hovertank
It seems like a great idea on paper, but it will probably take a few years to sort out in production. I'm sure it will work, but I'm also sure I'm forgetting something important. Possibly obsolete with improvments in modern defense.


Louisville-Vespa Scooter
This sporty number makes everyone's heads turn. It's different, unique. I'm sure it's a lot of fun, but when you can't possibly look cool riding one, you'll probably leave for a nicer ride as soon as possible.

Notre Dame-Optimus Prime
No college football roundup is complete without Notre Dame. The kid only refers to their coach as the Genius Robot, and everyone either loves or hates the Transformers. And like the Transformers, they haven't really done anything since 1988, although there's a movie in the works. Many predict a return for the franchise.



Trev Alberts is a former ESPN analyst. He drives a Dodge Stratus.