Tale of the Tape: USC vs. ESU
Time to spin yet another good, old-fashioned off-season yarn for all of you. Unable to sate your primal sporting needs with the fancy lads of the World Cup, and unable to get excited about the WNBA as more than an odd, mysteriously alluring curiosity, FireMarkMay.com has brought me in to do yet another hackneyed "Tale of the Tape." Inspired by the latest internet foofurrah about USC linebacker Brian Cushing and the site's recent obsession with James Caan, let's put these two programs to the test...
|Location:||Southern Cal||Um, Eastern State?||USC for being specific|
|Home field:||L.A. Coliseum||Looks like Williams-Brice Stadium||USC vs. USC. Advantage Push.|
|Head Coach:||Pete Carroll||James Caan||Sonny Corleone|
|Heisman QB:||Matt Leinart||Joe Kane||Kane missed 4 games and still won it. Advantage ESU.|
|QB seen with:||Paris Hilton||Random tennis girl.||Less press and fewer antibiotics. Advantage ESU.|
|RB tandem:||Bush and White||Jefferson and Griffin||ESU distracted by Halle Berry. Advantage USC.|
|Controversial Defender:||Steve Lattimer||Brian Cushing||ESU. Ding motherf**kin' dong!|
|Supporters have:||Loaded apartments||Loaded envelopes||ESU boosters lack subtlety. Advantage USC.|
|Motivational ploy:||Faking player suicide||Flipping Gatorade table||Advantage Push.|
|Big Game Rival:||Notre Dame||Georgia Tech||Notre Dame -7.5 pts. Advantage USC.|
So there you have it, 5-4-2. By the thinnest layer of latex, the Trojans hold on. I'm Nick Bakay reminding you that the numbers never lie and to always reach for that bell, that championship bell!
Nick Bakay is a former ESPN columnist. He used to voice an Angry Beaver.