Tale of the Tape: USC vs. ESU

By Nick Bakay
formerly of ESPN's Page 2

Time to spin yet another good, old-fashioned off-season yarn for all of you. Unable to sate your primal sporting needs with the fancy lads of the World Cup, and unable to get excited about the WNBA as more than an odd, mysteriously alluring curiosity, FireMarkMay.com has brought me in to do yet another hackneyed "Tale of the Tape." Inspired by the latest internet foofurrah about USC linebacker Brian Cushing and the site's recent obsession with James Caan, let's put these two programs to the test...

Category			Advantage
	USC	ESU
Location:	Southern Cal	Um, Eastern State?	USC for being specific
Home field:	L.A. Coliseum	Looks like Williams-Brice Stadium	USC vs. USC. Advantage Push.
Nickname:	Trojans	Timberwolves	Troy
Head Coach:	Pete Carroll	James Caan	Sonny Corleone
Heisman QB:	Matt Leinart	Joe Kane	Kane missed 4 games and still won it. Advantage ESU.
QB seen with:	Paris Hilton	Random tennis girl.	Less press and fewer antibiotics. Advantage ESU.
RB tandem:	Bush and White	Jefferson and Griffin	ESU distracted by Halle Berry. Advantage USC.
Controversial Defender:	Steve Lattimer	Brian Cushing	ESU. Ding motherf**kin' dong!
Supporters have:	Loaded apartments	Loaded envelopes	ESU boosters lack subtlety. Advantage USC.
Motivational ploy:	Faking player suicide	Flipping Gatorade table	Advantage Push.
Big Game Rival:	Notre Dame	Georgia Tech	Notre Dame -7.5 pts. Advantage USC.

So there you have it, 5-4-2. By the thinnest layer of latex, the Trojans hold on. I'm Nick Bakay reminding you that the numbers never lie and to always reach for that bell, that championship bell!

Nick Bakay is a former ESPN columnist. He used to voice an Angry Beaver.