Imaginary Claims

By Blooregard Q. Kazoo
Staff Figment

Hello there. The fine fine team here at FireMarkMay.com have signed me up to shed some light on these negative recruiting rumors bubbling up on the message boards. As you may know, there's been a lot of talk this offseason about coaches talking down their competition to impressionable recruits. A good example of this is the rumor regarding Charlie Weis knocking down Clemson to Jamie Cumbie. The latest unconfirmed blather out of the midwest is this crazy thread.

Well, well, well. If we're going to start circulating wild, unsubstantiated drivel, you might want to have an imaginary writer, like me, on your team. Try a few of these on for size, internet board jockeys!

• Michigan's Lloyd Carr carries hot buttered biscuits in his pants at all times!
• Ed Orgeron shotguns two cans of Sparks malt energy drink before every Ole Miss team function.
  
• Notre Dame Head Coach Charlie Weis worships Pan, the goat God!
• USC's Pete Carroll thinks the Highlander was a documentary, and that the events happened in real time.
• Longhorn coach Mack Brown's favorite food is urugula salad with a light balsamic vinagrette.
• Urban Meyer's first three choices for Gator DC were all Beanie Babies!
• The Washington Huskies start each practice with karaoke. Tyrone Willingham's favorite selection is "Come Sail Away."
• Joe Paterno grinds peasants' bones to make his bread.
• Bobby Bowden promotes local bumfights in his spacious backyard.
• Tennessee's Phil Fulmer likes to play strip poker with every freshman signing class.

Blooregard Q. Kazoo is completely imaginary. His mad Xbox skills are not.