Management restructuring goes "Boink!"

By Blooregard Q. Kazoo
Staff Figment

Sigh, I know its been a long time coming with the posts, everyone, and I know how hard it is for the few crazy brave that frequent the off-season football tubes. I've been trying to keep busy watching the office while everyone is out doing their own thing. I set up couch forts, fortified the break room sandbags, drank some fortified wine, you know, the usual. All making sure that the site ran smoothly when everyone decided to get off their duffs and start blogging again.

Unfortunately, its still boring as heck around here. There's been no one to hang around with, and my Nintendo isn't doing the online gaming as much as I'd like. Besides, if I wanted to get heckled at by a 10-year-old, I would just call up Trev. Fearless leader has been out and about, only showing up once in a while to crash on the fort and help me start small, controllable fires, for safety's sake, course. Other than that, there's been major planning sessions between myself, Johnny 5, the kid, and the rest of the more imagination-based interns. Just a whole bunch of sitting around, taking notes, reading citations, checking footnotes...man, I'm getting bored just thinking about it. Of course, the editor hates that I take dictation in squiggle-pen, so that's been a cause of some contention.

Anyway, it was in said strategery meetings that my fellow figments decided to finally put our feet down and declare imaginary solidarity. These were our demands:

• Replace vending machine apples with Silly Putty
• Mandatory 40 minute breaks for historic American Gladiator re-enactments
• No Cannonballs, human or literal
• Complete control over Trev' Netflix queue with regards to the media center
• Unlimited use of conference room for imaginary meetings, fantasy drafts, figment sports, figment sports fantasy drafts, and sim league CBA discussions
• Johnny 5 will only run Mac OS. He will not budge on this.
• A complimentary keg at all office softball league matches
• Full Wheel of Death immunity

To my complete shock, the kid accepted all of our demands, even the keg, without flinching. The following celebration got a little out of hand, though. Let's just say it was a cross between Rollergames and mock naval battle...on fire. Luckily, we suffered few casualties, and the building only suffered minor structural damage. While we've now been put in charge of the rebuilding process, I am going to humbly step down from my position of Staff Figment. It's a general rule of mine to call it quits after flaming roller derby, consider it going out on a high note.

I'll still be here, but in a more subdued job description. Sure, I'll help with the daily craziness and whatnot, but there's a lot more out there than just keeping up with zany internet speculation. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to help set some of the cleanup gear on fire, so I'll tender my resignation with one of my favorite Hungarian sayings.

I will not play this record, for it is scratched,

Bloo

FireMarkMay.com accepts Mr. Kazoo's resignation with a heavy heart, and a hovercraft full of eels.