Week 12 Bloo-vonics!

By Blooregard Q. Kazoo
Staff Figment

You probably thought Old Trev forgot about you, loyal Trevians. Well, he did. So we're still letting the imaginations run wild around here, ie moi, so strap it down for another run through this week's Trevonics, Bloo-vonics. The big man is obviously too drunk, lazy, or probably a combination of both with a dash of cowardice, to run down this week's Top 25 matchups, so I'm going to take a crack at some of the progostickleing. Let me get out MY scoreboard...

Bloo's scoreboard
Season to date:
Straight Up: probably-not
Against The Spread: delicious-orange-marmalade

I'm going to shun the traditional top 25 model and go straight to my favorite games of this week, the rivalries! If your rivalry or other so-called important game isn't on here, too bad! Produce a trophy or step aside!

Illinois over Northwestern
We start with one of the coolest arbitrary trophies out there, the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk. Now, I'm not one for research, but I'm getting the feeling that the collected mediocrity between these two teams have kept things pretty much level over the years. However, this year the Wildcats are really sucking wind compared to the latest version of [redacted], so I have to favor said [fighting redacted]. Sorry, Northwestern, but there's not enough heart in those awesome purple jerseys to pull this one out. Them's the breaks. Maybe if you had a more tribal mascot, you could pull off the upset.

Purdue over Indiana
I want to know what the Old Oaken Bucket is traditionally used for. Not necessarily the trophy per se, but what exactly are we meant to imply the purpose of said bucket? Horse feed? Water transportation? Spittoon? Chamber pot? Carny puke pail?!? The possibilities are astounding. I like the Boilers over the Hoosiers in this game, especially if we're talking about a possibly carnival themed bucket. All of those rides need skilled engineers to keep the rides running, especially the miniature railroad and that spinny flippy not quite a ferris wheel zippy thing that makes everyone ralph on their safety harnesses. WHOO!

Michigan State over Penn State
The state of Michigan sure has a lot of Land Grant issues with their neighbors, even the ones the don't directly touch. I guess its all a ploy to create some kind of tradition in the Big Ten...but maybe I'm thinking about this too much. I know that either team can only look forward to winning an arbitrary trophy of indeterminate size over the other for the remainder of this season.

Wisconsin over Minnesota
I would like to point out right now the connection between the two traditional trophies in this rivalry matchup: Paul Bunyan's Axe and The Slab of Bacon. One hand just washes the other now, doesn't it. Man, back in the day a slab of bacon must have been worth more than a slab of gold, what with all of the salty deliciousness it contained therein. What a great way to sustain oneself over the course of a bitter Northern winter than the bacon of one's enemy. Succulent. Now, the victors get to swing around a freaking axe! That is just ridiculous! Who doesn't like axes? Minnesota better like them a whole lot, because they are going to get a metaphoric axe right between the eyes when Wisconsin gets done with them. The Gophers are horrible, and they will make a fine salted game meat.

Ohio State over Michigan
Of course, the rivalry of all rivalries, The Game between The Ohio State and The Bluey Blue Skunkbears of Michigan. I have to vote against my brothers from another mother here. Besides, I refuse to recognize that compromised shade of Navy as part of the true bloo family. Combined with that dirty corny yellowy "miaze" they mince around up there? P U! THE Buckeyes, the lesser of two evils, and likely the better team, get the nod in this one, if only I get to the see film of the post-game festivities on Cops, America's Most Wanted, To Catch a Predator, and all of those fine reality law-enforcement procedurals that clutter my television.

Boise State over Idaho
Idaho is totally going down! WHOOOOOOO! GO BRONCOS! BLOO! BLOO! BLOO! My Boys! Man, I love those crazy Boise-onians and their sweetest playing surface ever. I would go there myself for a game or two, but I'm sure they would confuse me for some extra bloo sod or some kind of spirit banner. Idaho is no match for the Big Bloo Machine of the Broncos. The trophy is an afterthought....because they're not touching it. If they do, I'm going up there with my potato gun and taking no prisoners.

Duke over Notre Dame
Finally, the lamest rivalry of them all, the battle of aspirational peers! I like the Blue Devils in this one for obvious reasons, and besides, what better way to keep the streak alive at Notre Dame! Why ruin a perfectly good winless home season with a victory! Don't mess with history!

Bloo is FireMarkMay's official imaginary union rep. He has successfully lobbied for "More S'more Fridays."

Week 12 Bloo-poll!

By Blooregard Q. Kazoo
Staff Figment

I'm free! Ahahahahahaha! My brilliant plan of distracting Trev and the kid with alcohol and Xbox has worked to perfection. Now its time for some imaginary fun with your old buddy Bloo. Let's see what's on the docket today....mock naval battles, no.....lighting things on fire....no.....hmm...what the heck is on this darn to do list. Week 12 Blogpoll....and.....that's it?! Where's the whimsy? Where's the fun? Where's the unjustified hate of popular college football figures? And where are the Kitten Civil War reenactments?

Oh well, I guess if this is all we've got then it will have to do. But, I'm warning all of you, this is MY Blogpoll, my BLOO-poll, so I don't want to hear any cry babies going on and on and on about how theyre favorite team got the boot, or that I'm not respecting their school enough....blah blah blah. Boring! We're going to do this my way, and its going to be pretty darn clear who's in charge this week.....

Week 12 Bloopoll

1. Kansas
2. Oklahoma
3. Missouri
4. Louisiana State
5. West Virginia
   
6. Oregon
7. Arizona State
8. Southern Cal
9. Virginia Tech
10. Boise State
    
11. Ohio State
12. Hawaii
13. Clemson
    
14. Georgia
15. Florida
16. Illinois
17. Tennessee
18. Virginia
19. Texas
    
20. Kentucky
21. Cincinnati
22. Connecticut
23. Wisconsin
24. Auburn
25. Duke!

Ta Da! It would almost make a little bit of sense if I had any sense. Whoo!! Look at that lineup! What a great way to talk about this crazy season. I'm sure there's a bunch of people who would like this year to be imaginary, but this is the best we can do. Up is down, down is up, and we're all twirling, twirling!, towards the splendid bowl season. I cant wait to see some of these perfectly normal teams playing northern bowl games weeks before Xmas! Hahahahaha!

Let's get to the method of my madness:

The top 5: Kansas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Louisiana State, West Virginia
There's at least some kind of logic, albeit twisted right here at the top. First things first, the Jayhawks have pretty colors, an even prettier record, and the coolest fat man this side of Santa Claus. He is just resplendent, isn't he? Mangino in a track suit kind of looks like that Violet Bouregard gal in Willy Wonka. Amazing. They didn't lose to Colorado, so Oklahoma has to take a back seat, but they beat Missouri, so that explains that. The Big XII might actually be in the drivers seat for once. Louisiana State comes in after that knot, as the chainsaw is still so much fun to write about. West Virginia didn't have their schedule, but who doesn't like a good knifewrench? KNIFEWRENCH!

The next 5: Oregon, Arizona State, Southern Cal, Virginia Tech, Boise State
Now we start getting un-rational. Oregon is fun to watch, but they ain't a knifewrench, sorry guys. I hope the sweet uniforms get you some points in the real polls. Arizona State is up here as they are a staple Xbox team in the office....we don't know why....Southern Cal comes so lamely predictably at 8, but only because I can't really drop them much further. Besides, extra points for NCAA infractions! RUMOR MONGERING! YAY!!!!!!! VT had a tough go this year, so its hard to drop them any further either....I mean, they lost to the chainsaw and that ridiculous Matt Ryan business. Boise State, my boys, round out the top ten. Sure, they lost to the vicious animals, but they are still super awesome and might get to play a concussed Colt Brennan!

The middle 10: Ohio State, Hawaii, Clemson, Georgia, Florida, Illinois, Tennessee, Virginia, Texas, Kentucky
Alrighty, Ohio State falls here because I don't like them. There, I said it! It's my poll and I can do what I want. You lose to redacted, you get the horns. Hawaii comes in behind my Broncos because I don't like them.....no one cares? Moving on. Clemson is head and speedy shoulders above the rest of these speedy teams because there's nothing we like more than fluky ACC teams with blue as a secondary color...or is it purple....now even I'm confused. Next, we rank the orange teams, Florida, Illinois, Tennessee, Virginia, and Texas, also in order of how awesome I think they are. Illinois gets extra points for kicking out the Buckeyes, Texas gets knocked back for not impressing me ever. Kentucky rounds out the end because I enjoy their jerseys, their offensive fireworks, and would draft them all in fantasy if I had a legitimate pool.

The last 5: Cincinnati, UCONN, Wisconsin, Auburn, Duke
Cincinnati and UCONN are practically the same team. If I offered them both ice cream, they'd both say yes, so let's not split hairs here. Wisconsin gets major props for defeating my most hated of the blue, non-bloo, family of teams, the smelly smelly skunkbears. Auburn sneaks into the rear because they can win the big game. Finally, rounding out the crazy, I give 1 vote to Duke! Don't act so shocked.

The mysterious remains: Brigham Young, South Florida, Air Force
Mormons! Bulls! Flying Zamboni Squadrons! Er....Falcons! Why not? These teams are so cool....do I have to explain myself? Crazy offense, hand signals \m/ , and the entire freaking Air Force!

Bloo is FireMarkMay.com's official figment. He is currently having tea and cake with the Vicar of Imaginationland.

Management restructuring goes "Boink!"

By Blooregard Q. Kazoo
Staff Figment

Sigh, I know its been a long time coming with the posts, everyone, and I know how hard it is for the few crazy brave that frequent the off-season football tubes. I've been trying to keep busy watching the office while everyone is out doing their own thing. I set up couch forts, fortified the break room sandbags, drank some fortified wine, you know, the usual. All making sure that the site ran smoothly when everyone decided to get off their duffs and start blogging again.

Unfortunately, its still boring as heck around here. There's been no one to hang around with, and my Nintendo isn't doing the online gaming as much as I'd like. Besides, if I wanted to get heckled at by a 10-year-old, I would just call up Trev. Fearless leader has been out and about, only showing up once in a while to crash on the fort and help me start small, controllable fires, for safety's sake, course. Other than that, there's been major planning sessions between myself, Johnny 5, the kid, and the rest of the more imagination-based interns. Just a whole bunch of sitting around, taking notes, reading citations, checking footnotes...man, I'm getting bored just thinking about it. Of course, the editor hates that I take dictation in squiggle-pen, so that's been a cause of some contention.

Anyway, it was in said strategery meetings that my fellow figments decided to finally put our feet down and declare imaginary solidarity. These were our demands:

• Replace vending machine apples with Silly Putty
• Mandatory 40 minute breaks for historic American Gladiator re-enactments
• No Cannonballs, human or literal
• Complete control over Trev' Netflix queue with regards to the media center
• Unlimited use of conference room for imaginary meetings, fantasy drafts, figment sports, figment sports fantasy drafts, and sim league CBA discussions
• Johnny 5 will only run Mac OS. He will not budge on this.
• A complimentary keg at all office softball league matches
• Full Wheel of Death immunity

To my complete shock, the kid accepted all of our demands, even the keg, without flinching. The following celebration got a little out of hand, though. Let's just say it was a cross between Rollergames and mock naval battle...on fire. Luckily, we suffered few casualties, and the building only suffered minor structural damage. While we've now been put in charge of the rebuilding process, I am going to humbly step down from my position of Staff Figment. It's a general rule of mine to call it quits after flaming roller derby, consider it going out on a high note.

I'll still be here, but in a more subdued job description. Sure, I'll help with the daily craziness and whatnot, but there's a lot more out there than just keeping up with zany internet speculation. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to help set some of the cleanup gear on fire, so I'll tender my resignation with one of my favorite Hungarian sayings.

I will not play this record, for it is scratched,

Bloo

FireMarkMay.com accepts Mr. Kazoo's resignation with a heavy heart, and a hovercraft full of eels.

Dept. of Rumor and Innuendo: Lloyd Carr out?

By Blooregard Q. Kazoo
Staff Figment

In between marathon sessions of NCAA (Cornell-Hofstra, SLAUGHTER!), 72-hour social drinking adventures, the Senior Bowl, and the desperational viewing of actual NBA and NHL regular season games, I'd say it was a full weekend here at the compound. Not enough to sate my crippling ADD and ADHD, mind you, but enough to keep me going between sugar-filled binges and death-defying, near-diabetic crashes. Thanks to modern advances in Japanese Super Happy Ancestral Power go Wisdom Drink Yankee Cola!, I'm the first one up and about in the office today, and considering I've procrastinated long and hard for too far long, I decided to roll up my sleeves, get a post in, type a few run-on sentences, and coast until our inevitable recruiting day crunch.

Luckily, a juicy rumor based on a earlier juicy rumor surfaced today thanks to The Wizard of Odds. Apparently, our lovable droopy dog up there coaching the Canada's Alabama Wolverines, Lloyd Carr, may or may not, or possibly will be, headed towards the old dusty trail of a cozy desk job at the end of the season. While that may make some of his detractors rejoice in song and other poncey celebrations of gaiety, I, for one am a little, well, blue about it all. Consider, for a moment, the comedy gold that will forever be relegated to joke about athletic department foibles, olympic sports hirings, revenue streams, and whatnot.

Sigh... I guess it's just going to have to be more of this.

Bloo is FireMarkMay's resident imaginary friend and social director. He instituted Margarita Fridays.

Field Trip! Field Trip!

By Blooregard Q. Kazoo
Staff Figment

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I can't belive it! No, I mean I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE IT! this is almost, like, the greatest X-mas present ever! KID! You have to get us to Miami next year! (HT:The Wiz)

Miami.
Florida International.
The Orange Bowl.
Again?

AGAIN! WOO-HOO! Can we go? Can we, Can we, Can we? I think it would be...um...a wonderful learning experience. We would learn a lot about...the psychology of crowds...local Cuban cuisine...the architectural soundness of the OB...um....and how to swing helmets for maximum critical hits +1!

It's either this or the Royal Rumble, and I like the Nature Boy Ric Flair as much as the next guy, WOOOOO!, but this is too good to pass up. I hope they install one of those "stomp-proof" logos at midfield. You gotta represent the U.

Only in America!

Bloo is FireMarkMay's official administrative assitant. He is also a certified travel agent and notary public.

Imaginary Claims: Coaching Carousel

By Blooregard Q. Kazoo
Staff Figment

Wahoo! It's time for my favoritest college football related theme park novelty, the late season coaching carousel! Whee! I'm gonna ride a Tarheel, an Ibis, maybe a bulldog, and I'm TOTALLY going to try to wedge my way onto a skunkbear. I'm just going to go round and round, and round and round, and round and round and round, until I get so dizzy and boot an afternoon's worth of Razzberry cotton candy all over an unsuspecting bystander! WOOO! Amusement rides!

Thanks to FootballScoop.com (HT: The wonderful Wizard of Wiz) for cranking up the calliope on this. I think it goes to 11, ROCK! Now that we've got some wheels turning, it's time for good 'ol Bloo to prime the pump with my own brand of wildly speculative speculation!

• Louisville's Bobby Petrino will leave UL after this year's bowl game to coach an inner-city youth baseball team!
• Bobby Bowden has a buyout clause that pays him in grits.


I think I'm going to be sick...


• If Lloyd Carr wins the national championship this year, not only will he retire, but he will also do a Full-Monty charity calendar spread. Yikes...
• Auburn's Tommy Tuberville will leave for Miami, causing Civil War reenactors to invade Florida!
  
• [Name Redacted] to the Raiders as Brady Quinn fakes a seizure.
• Steve Mariucci will not coach for MSU, but will pursue a career as Tom Izzo's assitant.
• North Carolina boosters are rumored to be in contact with Jesus about their coaching vacancy.
• Tennessee's Phil Fulmer believed to be diverting "discretionary funds" from recruiting towards retaining Coach Cutliffe.
• [Name Also Redacted] will leave MSU for Kentucky. Louisville fans are planning simultaneous tarring, feathering, and parades.
• The Washington Redskins are said to be in talks with Urban Meyer...to convert him to Scientology.
• Finally, Charlie Weis to the New York Giants through the use of red kryptonite.
  

Roll that around for a while, board jockeys. Those should keep everyone busy while the BCS picture shakes itself out. In the meantime, I'm going to get some more cotton candy, and maybe a corn dog, and maybe one of those apples, but not the candy apples with the nuts, the kind with the gooey glaze on them? and then maybe a fried snickers bar...


Bloo is FireMarkMay's official imaginary rumormonger. He is a sucker for Italian Ice.

Pardon Our Dust

By Blooregard Q. Kazoo
Staff Figment

Hi there, everyone. Please pardon our dust as we tidy up after a fantastically ridiculous weekend. The kid left the office on Friday promising to hunker down and start pumping out content for all of our new readers come Monday...and then he showed up from South Bend with a flask of Jack Daniels and ran out to the soccer match. I don't think Trev is the best influence on him, but, man-oh-man does this office environment rock!

We've got the Germans calling non-stop since Saturday nacht and our editor's office is buzzing with activity. I'm sure we'll catch up with everyone in a bit.

In the meantime, here's some light distraction from my workstation. I like to go over some game film between games of Minesweeper.

Where'd I put that talking tiki?

By Bloo
Azul Tribesman

CHAOS! I love it, man! This is so much fun. I just wanted to give an internet slap-hands to that lovely candy truck driver who was nice enough to drive into one of the many snares I set for him out at the loading dock. We've taken your cargo and distributed the sugary goodness of the Swedish fish to all of the hungry staffers. Saints be praised! As for you, fearful editor, I know your trapped in a emotional coccoon of football-induced angst, but just so you know, ITS FREAKING AWESOME OUT HERE! I just kicked Trev's butt in Mario Kart. We celebrated by lighting the coffee machine on fire and performing a traditional dance in honor of your currently lame Irish football squad.



Man, he is just the best boss in the whole wide world.

So, when you get over your crippling depression, you should get out here and join us! Ha-HA!

You might want to start notifying that intern's next of kin.
THE WEATHERMAN IS DEAD!!!