Imaginary Claims: Coaching Carousel

By Blooregard Q. Kazoo
Staff Figment

Wahoo! It's time for my favoritest college football related theme park novelty, the late season coaching carousel! Whee! I'm gonna ride a Tarheel, an Ibis, maybe a bulldog, and I'm TOTALLY going to try to wedge my way onto a skunkbear. I'm just going to go round and round, and round and round, and round and round and round, until I get so dizzy and boot an afternoon's worth of Razzberry cotton candy all over an unsuspecting bystander! WOOO! Amusement rides!

Thanks to FootballScoop.com (HT: The wonderful Wizard of Wiz) for cranking up the calliope on this. I think it goes to 11, ROCK! Now that we've got some wheels turning, it's time for good 'ol Bloo to prime the pump with my own brand of wildly speculative speculation!

• Louisville's Bobby Petrino will leave UL after this year's bowl game to coach an inner-city youth baseball team!
• Bobby Bowden has a buyout clause that pays him in grits.


I think I'm going to be sick...


• If Lloyd Carr wins the national championship this year, not only will he retire, but he will also do a Full-Monty charity calendar spread. Yikes...
• Auburn's Tommy Tuberville will leave for Miami, causing Civil War reenactors to invade Florida!
  
• [Name Redacted] to the Raiders as Brady Quinn fakes a seizure.
• Steve Mariucci will not coach for MSU, but will pursue a career as Tom Izzo's assitant.
• North Carolina boosters are rumored to be in contact with Jesus about their coaching vacancy.
• Tennessee's Phil Fulmer believed to be diverting "discretionary funds" from recruiting towards retaining Coach Cutliffe.
• [Name Also Redacted] will leave MSU for Kentucky. Louisville fans are planning simultaneous tarring, feathering, and parades.
• The Washington Redskins are said to be in talks with Urban Meyer...to convert him to Scientology.
• Finally, Charlie Weis to the New York Giants through the use of red kryptonite.
  

Roll that around for a while, board jockeys. Those should keep everyone busy while the BCS picture shakes itself out. In the meantime, I'm going to get some more cotton candy, and maybe a corn dog, and maybe one of those apples, but not the candy apples with the nuts, the kind with the gooey glaze on them? and then maybe a fried snickers bar...


Bloo is FireMarkMay's official imaginary rumormonger. He is a sucker for Italian Ice.