On the 7th day, they over-analyzed

Guest Commentary

By The Almighty
Creator and local sports enthusiast

Let me get this straight, Notre Dame. I do all that I can for these hard-working student-athletes of yours, and all you people can do is complain about it? I oversaw one of the most dramatic comebacks in your short history, and all I see on these message boards is how disappointed everyone is. What the heck is going on down there? You know, I normally don't get involved in these kinds of things, but you know Mom, she just can't stop going on and on about how much she likes this Charlie Weis fellow. I mean, just the other day, I was minding my own business when she gives me a ring and says, "Hey, what's the deal with the monsoon out there in East Lansing? It's kind of gumming up the works for the Irish." I tried to tell her to let me work in my mysterious ways, but she would have no part of it. Long story short, well, you all know what happens, and now I've got that John L. Smith guy speaking in tongues.

Back to this UCLA business, I mean, come on! The headline says it all "Miracle Drive Lifts Irish." For the love of Me, it's not everyday I spell it out for you. Three plays, eighty yards, and that Samardsjawicka kid is in the pool in under a minute. I get on My favorite message boards to see how everyone was enjoying themselves, and what the heck do I find? It's not enough! Sure, the win was great and all, but now I've got everyone worried that the team is flat, the offensive line is soft, the defense can't get a decent pass rush, the crowd wasn't loud enough. I mean, don't get me wrong, the lines were working overtime up here during the end of that one, and We got Our fair share of thank-yous, but a good number of you kept asking for crazy things long after the final whistle. My patience is running thin on some of these requests. At Basilica mass alone, I got fifteen calls for a commit from some 17-year-old linebacker prospect I've never heard of. Seriously, people, you know I haven't been the vengeful type in nigh 6,000 years, but I may just have to rain some toads on the next armchair rider that ends his prayers with "I just want a bowl win."

I know, I know, the vast majority of you folks have got perfectly good heads on your shoulders, and this one was for you. Some of you actually believe that drive was proof of My existence, and to that I say, hey, what ever works, you know? It's just these internet types that keep asking for some grease. Yes, I am well aware of the shortcomings of mom's favorite team. She tells me about them everyday. I've got Knute and Frank up here for gamewatches once a week, and the three of them go through about 2 Entemann's a piece kvetching about how they would run the team. But you know what? I can deal with Rockne putting in his two cents about the forward pass, he freaking invented it, but the rest of these guys are hand-wringing about Brady's Heisman chances or lamenting over why the team can't develop a potent rushing attack.

This team of yours wandered in the desert for nigh on eight years, suffering some of the most embarrassing losses since Joe Kuharich (don't think the guys aren't giving him heck over that up here) and now that there's some light at the end of the tunnel, that patience business I had Junior preaching down there seems to have gone right out the window. Do I need to remind everyone of the depth chart? Mom had me pulling every string I had and it still couldn't get a lineman to commit for you guys. What can I say, today's modern recruit doesn't respond well to biblical dream imagery. Back in Paul Hornung's day, all I had to do was rock a few allegories, and the kids would sign the next day. Now? Forget about it. If a week goes by without some five-star sounding off on the virtues of Weis, the switchboard lights up asking for some shutdown corner with good hip swivels. There's a lot wrong with that. I don't know where to start.

Before I check out of here, I just want to pass on the message from my boy. Everyone, just cool out. I know He has some long hair and a bunch of crazy ideas, but you might want to listen to this one. Know that everything is in good hands, and enjoy the good times for what they are. As for the rest of the business, you know were looking out for you all, Mom wouldn't have it any other way. But if I have to take my own name in vain on this one, I will. Knock off all the teeth-gnashing, or I'm going to have to get Old Testament on some of yous.