A New Car?

Bob Barker: All right Coach Rod, since the original Rod is dead, I'm going to have what his name up in the booth let you know what fabulous prize you can win today.

What's-his-name: It's A BCS CHAMPIONSHIP


(Coach Rod hoots and hollers on stage and almost does the worm, but thinks better of it. He proceeds to flip out, point to his lovely wife in the crowd, and gives Bob a big ol' bearhug.)

What's-his-name: That's right, its a 2009 BCS championship! Hand crafted crystal in the crystal mines of deepest darkest Ireland, next year's trophy is exquisitely furnished by the talented trophy smiths of Waterford. This, fully sanctioned NCAA honor can be yours if the Price is Right.

Rod: Me Wantee! (still flailing wildly, he points to wife again, mouths "I love you, baby!")

Bob: Ok, Rod. Now just calm down for a second. In order to get to that BCS title, you're going have to play one of our pricing games, and it just so happens to be a favorite of mine. We're going to play Cliffhanger!



Rod: Alright. Alright. I can do this. Lay it on me, Bob, just lay it on me.

Bob: Ok, Rich. Now, the object of the game is to get the correct amount for the following three items without going over 25. That's all three items, combined, Rich, and as you get them wrong our cliffhanger is going to scale this treacherous trail of his inch by inch. Ok then, Rich?

Rod: I got it, Bob.

Bob: Alright. Random announcer guy, tell us the first item for Rich here today.

Guy: Our first item is a collection of tenured assistant coaches, Bob. The entire staff of former Michigan legend Lloyd Carr from coordinators Ron English and Mike DeBord to the strength guy and decades of experience between them. Hail to the victors with these familiar faces.

Bob: Ok, Rich. how many assistants do you want to keep?

(The crowd comes to life, yelling out an assortment of numbers at a frantic pace. Coach Rod, once again consulting the wife, holds up what appears to be a combination of 5 and 7. It may be sign language. Satisfied with his decision he leans in to Bob's microphone.)

Rod: Zero, Bob! WHOOO!

Bob: Let's see how you did, Rich.

(The cliffhanger climbs his craggly peak, yodeling along his merry way.)


Cliffhanger: Yodelyodely yodley yodley yodely yo de yodley....

Bob: Oh, that's not a good start, Rich! Not a good start at all! Looks like the gentlemen thought you should have kept all of those Michigan men, and that's too bad, Rich. Now, you're going to have to do better on the next item, or else you're just going to dig yourself deeper, and we don't want that, do we Rich?

Rod: No way, Bob!

Bob: No way, indeed, Rich! Now let's hope you'll have better luck with the next item from Guy.

Guy: Our second item today are an assortment junior college transfers, Bob. JUCO brand junior college transfers have been known across the country to provide quick fixes to new and old coaches alike. Whether installing a new offense or defense, or just looking to keep your career rolling, look no further than JUCO brand transfers. JUCO! Because you can!

(Again, the crowd erupts in an orgy of vicarious opinion. Coach Rod once again consults the mob for their input, nods to himself, and turns to Bob for his answer.)

Rod: I think I'm going to shoot for nine, here Bob!

Bob: Nine?

Rod: Yeah, Bob. I'm sure on this one. I don't want to make the same mistake twice.

Bob: Are you sure?

Rod: Yeah, definitely sure.

Bob: Alrighty.

Cliffhanger: Yodelyodely yodley yodley yodely yo de yodley....


Bob: Oh noooooooooooo, Rich.

Rod: SON OF A BITCH!

Bob: That's not the number we needed, Rich. We needed a low number! We needed a low number! Zero would have likely been best! It seems we've got ourselves into quite a jam here.

Rod: It certainly sucks, Bob.

Bob: Yes, it does. But, the good news is that you've still got a chance on our last item. Guy?

Guy: Our last items today are a pile of Letters of Intent. 2008 Letters of Intent from a perennially stout Michigan recruiting class. Well into the teens, this crop of potential Midwestern talent would do well for any program hoping to compete on a national stage.

Bob: Now, Rich. We're going to ask you to do something a little bit different here, so listen carefully. How many of those letters do you think you can keep? How many of those letters do you think you can keep?

(The crowd bursts into opinion one last time. Coach Rod is in a frenzy. His eyes darting all around the crowd for the correct answer. He finally settles on ignoring them all together and motions to Bob confirm in his answer.)

Rod: All of them Bob.

Bob: All of them is not a number, Rich.

Rod: I don't care! ALL OF THEM!

Bob: I don't know about this. I'm going to have to ask the gentlemen for a ruling. Gentlemen, can we accept "All of Them?"

(A car horn blares over the PA, signaling approval of the answer.)

Bob: Ok

Cliffhanger: Yodelyodely yodley yodley yodely yo de yodley....

Bob: Oh no....Oh dear. This doesn't look good for you Rich.


Rod: AW HAYSTACKS!

(A trombone plays the well known Price is Right theme in a minor key, as is its wont. Coach Rod has lost.)

Bob: Cheer up, Rich. We'll see you right after these words to spin the Wheel of Death.

FireMarkMay watches too much daytime television.