Return to Sneakyness
Just when you think I had been long forgotten, swept off into the ether of old news, I return, triumphantly to expose my deception, trickery, and other forms of dastardly derring-do! Most of my work has been done in secret this year, as my efforts have focused on revenge against those who spurn true talent! How else does one believe the Miami Dolphins could be so horrible in the face of mind-numbing parity in the professional leagues? No matter! But, I will suggest everyone take a look at the iron-cladness of Cam Cameron's contract, not to mention which mustache-twirling notary public has aided in sealing the fate of the franchise.
ENOUGH! Let us get back to the business at hand. Long has my trickeration been absent from these halls. Oh, how they echo with the howls of agony and the cruelty of past defeats. I only wish I could have been around more this season, but it seems I had been undercut by other less expensive forms of chaos. All of these upsets seemed to go on unaided by my own hand, but I would like to take some credit in pioneering the evil footballing arts. So, without further adieu, get me some interns to wheel in my Wheel of Death! Interns? Anyone? Hello? Fiddlesticks, Ill just do it myself...damn it all! Look at what they've done to you, my precious wheel, all dusty and what not, and it seems Mr. Alberts may have used you as a water closet at some point. Let's clean you up....
BEHOLD THE WHEEL OF DEATH!!!!!!!
Tremble at the sight of it! My glorious wheel has spun and spun, leaving the whole of the BCS system in upheaval! Revel in the fetid stench of corruption as this bowl season gives us such feats of despondence!
The Fat Man, in all of his corpulence, graces this year's BCS despite losing to once top-ranked Missouri and having a pitiful strength of schedule! Sure, Mizzou lost last, you might say, but only because they defeated the Jayhawks! Now, they must be exiled to the lesser bowls, unable to reap in the benefits of national exposure, despite being ranked higher in the BCS! Clearly, the largesse of Mangino has perswadded blazer-clad organizers that Kansas is a larger draw than Missouri. Be conpuzzled by the thought! This leaves Missouri in the long-forgotten Cotton Bowl against....
THE CERTIFIABLE HOUSTON NUTT! At least we think. The man known only as crazier than a sack full of weasels makes my black heart smile with his duplicity. He will possibly lead his Arkansas Razorbacks in Dallas, but one thinks what could have been of Mizzou had the cruel BCS not been involved. A good showing might have allowed them to back into some kind of champeenship under the old system, now they have no chance at a long shot, and a meaningless exhibition trip to the Texas State Fairgrounds! Extol their cruel fate I shall! Speaking of cruel fate, behold my henchman in the chaos....
The malevolent Wannstache! Only his boorish backyard brawling could deliver the death blow to the noble couchburners of the Appalachias! Their late season stumble contributed to the bubbling cesspool of the final results, and their reward for such failure is a BCS bid, but there is another cruel twist, for they must head to Tempe to face a team that knows it all too well...
The Oklahoma Sooners, out for revenge in the desert, will surely be ready to crush all who oppose them into a fine powder. Pepper their porridge they will, and the remaining allure of biggest non-title matchup will crumble twixt their pestle and mortar, leaving us with the final display of BCS incompetence from none other than the Baron of Incompetence himself!
The coach without a name! The [Fighting Redacted] have stumbled their way into the Rose Bowl, thanks mainly to the embarrassment that is the Michigan Wolverines and the overall bore that a rematch with SC would invite. This leaves the orange-clad neophytes being thrown to the lion's den itself, the granddaddy of them all, the winter home of the Trojan Horde. They are out of their weight class in this one, and I don't think the various wagering houses can devise a line high enough to handicap their fortunes. I wager a whole two pence that at least 5 former Indian chiefs will be torn asunder into little itty-bitty pieces by the end of the fixture!
This leaves us with the relatively unexciting coronation of my favorite familiar, the werewolf with a chained saw for genitalia!
Behold as it is gifted a title match in its own domicile! The darkened skies will foreshadow the coming of thousands upon thousands of local fans that are both raging and of Cajun descent. The unending wails of the Buckeyes shall know no bounds as they are once again humiliated on the largest stage, shaming themselves and their conference once more! So it is written! SO SPINS THE WHEEL OF DEATH!
Broderick West Quinnsington IV is a charlatan of the highest order. His zeppelin is currently in the shop.
Labels: arbitrary referencing