Week 12 Bloo-vonics!

By Blooregard Q. Kazoo
Staff Figment

You probably thought Old Trev forgot about you, loyal Trevians. Well, he did. So we're still letting the imaginations run wild around here, ie moi, so strap it down for another run through this week's Trevonics, Bloo-vonics. The big man is obviously too drunk, lazy, or probably a combination of both with a dash of cowardice, to run down this week's Top 25 matchups, so I'm going to take a crack at some of the progostickleing. Let me get out MY scoreboard...

Bloo's scoreboard
Season to date:
Straight Up: probably-not
Against The Spread: delicious-orange-marmalade

I'm going to shun the traditional top 25 model and go straight to my favorite games of this week, the rivalries! If your rivalry or other so-called important game isn't on here, too bad! Produce a trophy or step aside!

Illinois over Northwestern
We start with one of the coolest arbitrary trophies out there, the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk. Now, I'm not one for research, but I'm getting the feeling that the collected mediocrity between these two teams have kept things pretty much level over the years. However, this year the Wildcats are really sucking wind compared to the latest version of [redacted], so I have to favor said [fighting redacted]. Sorry, Northwestern, but there's not enough heart in those awesome purple jerseys to pull this one out. Them's the breaks. Maybe if you had a more tribal mascot, you could pull off the upset.

Purdue over Indiana
I want to know what the Old Oaken Bucket is traditionally used for. Not necessarily the trophy per se, but what exactly are we meant to imply the purpose of said bucket? Horse feed? Water transportation? Spittoon? Chamber pot? Carny puke pail?!? The possibilities are astounding. I like the Boilers over the Hoosiers in this game, especially if we're talking about a possibly carnival themed bucket. All of those rides need skilled engineers to keep the rides running, especially the miniature railroad and that spinny flippy not quite a ferris wheel zippy thing that makes everyone ralph on their safety harnesses. WHOO!

Michigan State over Penn State
The state of Michigan sure has a lot of Land Grant issues with their neighbors, even the ones the don't directly touch. I guess its all a ploy to create some kind of tradition in the Big Ten...but maybe I'm thinking about this too much. I know that either team can only look forward to winning an arbitrary trophy of indeterminate size over the other for the remainder of this season.

Wisconsin over Minnesota
I would like to point out right now the connection between the two traditional trophies in this rivalry matchup: Paul Bunyan's Axe and The Slab of Bacon. One hand just washes the other now, doesn't it. Man, back in the day a slab of bacon must have been worth more than a slab of gold, what with all of the salty deliciousness it contained therein. What a great way to sustain oneself over the course of a bitter Northern winter than the bacon of one's enemy. Succulent. Now, the victors get to swing around a freaking axe! That is just ridiculous! Who doesn't like axes? Minnesota better like them a whole lot, because they are going to get a metaphoric axe right between the eyes when Wisconsin gets done with them. The Gophers are horrible, and they will make a fine salted game meat.

Ohio State over Michigan
Of course, the rivalry of all rivalries, The Game between The Ohio State and The Bluey Blue Skunkbears of Michigan. I have to vote against my brothers from another mother here. Besides, I refuse to recognize that compromised shade of Navy as part of the true bloo family. Combined with that dirty corny yellowy "miaze" they mince around up there? P U! THE Buckeyes, the lesser of two evils, and likely the better team, get the nod in this one, if only I get to the see film of the post-game festivities on Cops, America's Most Wanted, To Catch a Predator, and all of those fine reality law-enforcement procedurals that clutter my television.

Boise State over Idaho
Idaho is totally going down! WHOOOOOOO! GO BRONCOS! BLOO! BLOO! BLOO! My Boys! Man, I love those crazy Boise-onians and their sweetest playing surface ever. I would go there myself for a game or two, but I'm sure they would confuse me for some extra bloo sod or some kind of spirit banner. Idaho is no match for the Big Bloo Machine of the Broncos. The trophy is an afterthought....because they're not touching it. If they do, I'm going up there with my potato gun and taking no prisoners.

Duke over Notre Dame
Finally, the lamest rivalry of them all, the battle of aspirational peers! I like the Blue Devils in this one for obvious reasons, and besides, what better way to keep the streak alive at Notre Dame! Why ruin a perfectly good winless home season with a victory! Don't mess with history!

Bloo is FireMarkMay's official imaginary union rep. He has successfully lobbied for "More S'more Fridays."