Week 8 Rundown: Finally, with Sloth.

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Sorry everyone, the entire office had been shut down for a while whilst the kid recovered from that so-called "football game" involving ND and Southern Cal. No hilarious excerpts from J Peterman this time, and certainly no time for Muppet Broadcasting, as this is truly the abyss for our fearless editor. The nothingness of the Irish completes dominates his being, and he is not wont to do anything other than stare into its endless darkness. Personally, I think its awesome. I mean, finally someone is using that abyss we had installed late last season, and he's giving everyone all of these sweet extra personal days. Fortunately, I have nothing better to do than to hang out at the compound and mock his misfortune. Unfortunately, with no interns around until later this week, I have to lug in this scoreboard all by my damn manly Trev self.

Week 8 Results:
Against the Spread: 7-8
Straight Up: 9-6

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 64-79-1
Straight Up: 100-43

Another anemically burly showing in the straight up column, but that ATS line still ain't pulling its weight. Good thing I didn't have to pick the UCLA game, that would have been completely out of left field. I have run out of excuses for this season other than total chaos....we can't even get the Wheel of Death out here because it won't stop spinning. Its unwieldy that one, it is.

Pitt 24-Cincy 17
Oh, that whole fair catch thing wasn't cool? Thanks, Big East refs, for totally ruining another Cinderella story. First, no way that was offensive PI in the USF game....and now this. It's like you're trying to make sure no one can "Rutgers it up." Whatever, you don't need al that national exposure anyway, right? And at least the Panthers won a giant rectal themometer for their troubles.

Vandy 17- South Carolina 6
I honestly don't know how to feel right now. Go 'Dores? You have to feel awesome for Vandy, but they do have Visor blood on their hands. Oh well, at least SOS will get more credit for losing than Vandy will get for winning. That's how poll inertia works.

Alabama 41-Tennessee 17
Yeah.....they got the snot kicked out of them. Dark Lord Saban mind tricked us all with his fully operational Crimson Tide.

Oklahoma 17-Iowa State 7
This should make Cyclones fans feel optimistic about their future defenses under Chizik. Now, if they could just find another year of eligibility for Seneca Wallace, they can run that crazy spread Missouri business that seems to be so popular these days.

Texas 31-Baylor 10
Completing the Big XII mails it in duet are the Longhorns putting away Baylor convincingly, but not convincingly enough for the Germans....Damn Texas.....

West Virginia 38-Mississippi State 13
Well at least one offensive machine can still cover the spread around here. Too bad these style points only mean something if your schedule strength is worth a damn...and the Big East has certainly seen to it that it does not....no sir....it does not. Nice Sly Week though.

Missouri 41-Texas Tech 10
The Tigers have out pirated the Pirate King! The Dread Pirate Leach has been depirated! I'm pretty sure this is how he got the title in the first place. Good job, Leach, your boosters will likely kill you in the morning.

Ohio State 24-Michigan State 17
What I really want is for Michigan State to be coached by Dennis Green. Dusting off the old chestnut...THE BUCKEYES WERE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE. Meanwhile, the Sweatervest grinds it out like Sweatervest does. THE remaining schedule is Wisconsin (snuh...now), Penn State (BRAINS! AND 7 INTS!), and Michigan (Bo, still dead). The remaining question is whether Southern Cal or the SEC champ gets to wax them by three scores.

UCLA 30-California 21
I know this wasn't a pick but REALLY?!?!?! Karl Dorrell has dug himself quite the trench in Westwood, winning just enough, just big enough to stick around. Watch them beat Southern Cal again....and their fans might actually boo.

Kansas 19-Colorad 14
Mmm....Buffalo. Mangino is the smartest fat coach you've never heard of...or at least the one with the least credit. Kansas is undefeated this year. KANSAS! THIS YEAR!

Oregon 55-Washington 34
How to keep your job in the PAC-10, fall backwards into a kickass QB who's first words as a child were "I'm going to play for the Huskies," and sit back while he turns broken play after broken play into some kind of offense. This works on the West Coast. Meanwhile, keep every game close at the half, and don't make any adjustments, ever. Looking competitive is just as good as actually being competitive right?

Michigan 27-Illinois 17
Personally, I wanted to see this game go down to a field goal, because [redacted] decided to give Michigan the wind in the 4th in a close game. He's thinking, "hey, we're tied at home here, I've deferred, let's go ahead and make this as easy as possible for UM to pull it out of their ass." Luckily, it didn't come down to that, as somewhere in the 3rd quarter, [fighting redacted] looked at their jerseys, realized they were Illinois, and that Midnight Madness had occurred. DING! Illinois turned back into a basketball school.

LSU 30-Auburn 24
Les Miles, once again proving that brains does not win games in 2007. I think most things have already been said to that effect.

Southern Cal 38-Adidas Green Jersey Models n/a
A four-hour exhibition match between an actual football program, and a bunch of dudes wearing throwbacks. It was basically a fashion show, but with much more falling down. I'm sure if I was on the ND offensive line, I wouldn't be able to hear the coverages over my bright yellow pants either. Yes, this is a down year, and yes, the recruiting classes are still awesome, but for the Irish faithful, this year has gone beyond bad, beyond sad, to the just plain life-questioning inky blackness of the void....and that's what I have to deal with every day

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN hair model. He owns The Abyss on Laserdisc.