Fire Mark May: Week 6 Rundown: The Kitten Virus

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Sweet Jeebus, I can't shake whatever the hell is going on here! It's like some kind of plague has followed me from the swampy plague filled swamps of Florida and followed me home. I can't figure it out. The kid's throwing up in the corner, half from illness, half from "overly celebrating", and I am tripping balls on whatever antibiotics I was able to forge from the pharmacy. The great thing about sporting my anchortastic good looks is that I can fake my way through almost any situation that can be covered by not actually being a doctor, but being able to play one on TV. Just grab some paper, write sloppily, possibly while drunk, and throw in some completely random shorthand and voila! Medicated. Scoreboard?

Week 6 results:
Against the Spread: 4-11
Straight Up: 9-5

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 45-63-1
Straight Up: 76-32

Mercy. The Trev train is spiraling out of control, and there are really only two places this can end up if I don't find the brakes: broken limbs or Mexico.

Boston College 55-Bowling Green 24
Boston College, the greatest team in the world apparently, gives Bowling Green the whatfor. For beating up on a MAC team with a pretty boy Heisman QB, what do we give them? A top 3 ranking. Really? This guy is Brady Quinn without getting penetrated by Michigan.

West Virginia 55-Syracuse 14
At least I can still pick winners, its that pesky point spread getting in the way. Glad to see the effing Mountaineers can still hang half a hundred on horrible teams. College football needs that. Side note, however: Big East-still horrible.

Kansas 30-Kansas State 24
Mangino finds Wildcat delicious. When properly seasoned, it's not too gamy, and it goes well with a nice Caesar salad. Coach however enjoyed his Wildcat with a drum of wedding cake icing and a shopping cart full of pre-cooked meatballs in a light alfredo sauce. The Jayhawk celebrated in a much more disturbing fashion. Hooray for internets!

Illinois 31-Wisconsin 26
On [redacted]! On [redacted]! Confirmation that this is, in fact, Bizarro Year 2008! A team coached by [name redacted] is actually good? I place a late question mark on that, not unlike Ron Burgundy, because I have no freaking clue. That's the kind of year we're having here. I am so confused. Juice! That's a good one?

Tennessee 35-Georgia 14
Correcting the confusion behind my pick on this game. I obviously had no reason to pick Georgia, so I didn't intend to, and I wanted them to prove me wrong....yet I still picked them? Fallacy! Our editor will receive the riot act for his false dictation as soon as he recovers from whatever debilitating illness is currently overtaking his section of the office. We think it might be chlamydia.

Oklahoma 28-Texas 21
Good for you Texas, you pit up a fight. You still lost. I award you no points, and may no one have mercy on you. You are 4-2, 0-2 in conference, and I will personally punch anyone considering also giving you votes. Oklahoma is down, but not out, and I hope they return to their unstoppable ways, if only for discussion's sake.

Arizona State 23-Washington State 20
I have been fooled by Erickson once more, for he is a bold deceiver. Watch as he mystifies us all into thinking his team can take Southern Cal. I have full faith that he drugged the Trojans this weekend for this exact reason.

Virginia Tech 41-Clemson 23
With all apologies to the Brothers Mac, Clemson has run itself back in time to when they completely suck. Virginia Tech scored 41 points. That's like 4 ECUs.

Stanford 24-Southern Cal 23
"With all of the trash talking coming out of Palo Alto, you'd think Stanford was an actual football team." Wow. That was....unexpected. Way to go Cardinal! Everyone, please rise for the Stanford fight song(s):

To the tune of "The Victors":
3! Point one four one five, Nine! Two six five three five eight, Nine! Seven! Nine three two three, Stanford f-ing RULES!

For an official recording of "Stanford F-ing rules" please visit HouseRockBuilt.

To the tune of "Fight On":
Stanford! You f-ing trees!
You f-ing trees! You f-ind tress!
Stanford! You f-ing trees!
You f-ing trees! (In the forest!)
F-ing trees! (With googly eyes!)
F-ing TREEEEES!

Ohio State 23-Purdue 7
Panty-waist cupcake eaters, the Boilers are. Yes, Notre Dame, you are one of them cupcakes, and your coach finds you delicious. However, all of that sugar made Joe Tiller get all diabetes on everyone. Oatmeal for all as they slowly collapse into Big Ten also-rans, give or take a near miss with Illinois. At what point do we start saying Ohio State's backed into a 1/2 ranking?

Louisiana State 28-Florida 24
LSU still gets it done in Mordor. The fires of Hades, a brown liquor tinted furor that swallows all that is good in the still night whole, burns through a 14 point Gator lead, banishing Florida to the massive heap of talented two loss teams. Just for the record, Texas is in the bottom of said pile, and you don't want any part of that madness, Urban.

Cincinnati 28-Rutgers 23
We've all learned a valuable lesson from all of this Bearcat hysteria, and that is how to properly spell Cincinnati. Big East. WTF. I am so done with you this year, except for USF, because they rock. STOP MESSING IT UP, REST OF CONFERENCE! Put 'em up! \m/

Missouri 41-Nebraska 6
Speaking of done with you, let the rebuilding process begin again! I would start burning Callahan in effigy if I was anywhere near Lincoln, or if I had any unburned Callahan effigies still laying around the office. ITS THE BIG TWELVE NORTH! MAKE PLAYS!

Hawaii 52-Utah State 37
Ick, I forgot it was the WAC, and Hawaii. This is basically par for the course on the big island, they're like a good Texas Tech without the pirates, or last year's Louisville with an even weaker schedule.

Notre Dame 20-UCLA 6
The current method of celebration is as follows for the Irish supporting interns and colleagues. Firstly, Canadian flags for the rest of the season, as hopes for the International Bowl are reaching critical mass. Secondly, a moving tribute, a shrine really, to defensive coordinator Corwin "Boxy" Brown is to be commissioned and paid homage to. This is your season, Notre Dame, while the rest of the world screams "You're just a box," you scream "I'M JUST A WHAT, BITCH?!?"