Week 5 Rundown: Florida causes Scurvy

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Kids, I just want to start off by saying that staying hydrated is important in life. At all times, be sure to take in adequate non-alcoholic liquids to make it through the day. Also, don't forget limes. Limes are a great source of vitamin C and prevent scurvy. So, the next time you plan on a weekend long bender, keep these tips in mind. Failure to stay adequately hydrated can cause tremendous lapses in college football judgment. Prepare for a scoreboard flyover.

Week 6 Results:
Against the Spread: 8-13
Straight Up: 11-10

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 41-52-1
Straight Up: 67-27

Ugh...I need lozenge, or some insulin, or some caffeine, or a nice long nap. Brutal. Let's get this over with so we can talk about more entertaining things, like kittens.

South Florida 21-West Virginia 13
When USF hits you, they want hurt you as much as possible, and they mean that in the most respectful way. Pat White got hung out to dry by his own knifewrench system, effectively taken out of the game by the Bulls' swarming defense long before they broke him in half. Big time win for USF. 10 years since they even assembled for an initial practice, South Florida is in the top 10. America, Fuck Yeah!

Louisiana State 34-Tulane 9
I knew LSU was going to run the JV Chainsaw squad this game, but I could have sworn it could have hung 50 on Tulane. Go Green Wave!

Virginia Tech 17-North Carolina 10
The Hokie offense covers in the clutch, I tell you what. A good heaping dose of nothing is enough to get the job done.

Illinois 27-Penn State 20
Fighting, and sometimes striving, wondering what [redacted] is. Excellence, and what is valor?, and JoePar hits something with a golf cart....I-L-L. I-N-What? [Fighting Redacted] for teh winz.

South Carolina 38-Mississippi State 21
The OBC survives his Sly Week and avoids the post Chainsaw letdown.

Georgia 45-Ole Miss 17
The Orgeron, however, does not survive his letdown, proceeding to get pasted by UGA. Great, I still have no idea what to think of the Dawgs. You could have at least kept it close Ole Miss.

Colorado 27-Oklahoma 24
(obvious meme warning) ITS DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL! ITS THE BIG TWELVE BROTHER! GO PLAY INTERMURALS OKLAHOMA! GO PLAY INTERMURALS! I already feel a deep sense of fear for the next team to play OU. Fair play to crazy Colorado.

Nebraska 35-Iowa State 17
That's more like it, Callahan, but I spare you not.

Cal 31-Oregon 24
Wow, who'd have thunk it would have required more than flashy jerseys, a crazy field, and even crazier fans to take down the Bears. Are they for real? Cal is currently real by default, and that and a buck o five will get you a cup of coffee. Still, I don't mean to take anything away from Cal. This was a marquee win in every sense of the word, and hopefully the Ducks will move on to take their place in the PAC-10 Wheel of Death.

Georgia Tech 13-Clemson 3
Clemson apparently ran back in time so much that they started to suck again. You there, man on the street, what day is it? WHAT YEAR IS IT?!?!

Maryland 34-Rutgers 24
A byproduct of Clemson's ACC time travel, Rutgers apparently gets beaten down by Early 2000 Maryland. Is the Fridge 100 pounds heavier now? Or is it lighter? I always forget.

Kansas State 41-Texas 21
Texas, you are so freaking cut. You now have no resume. No good wins, in fact some embarrassing ones if that's possible, and now this freaking blowout of a loss. You lose all 2006 immunity in my poll.

Wisconsin 37-Michigan State 34
Good for Wisconsin, and I'll even go so far as say good on Michigan State. It's the bizarro Big Ten ladies and gentlemen. Penn State and Michigan are down, while these guys and the redacteds are up. Ohio State is even steven, and its not surprising anyone. I want to say the whole conference is up for grabs, and my moneys on the traditional split title.

Hawaii 48-Idaho 20
No real surprises, nothing of note. Hawaii gets a lot of offense. Idaho does not.

Florida State 24-Alabama 17
My only impression of this game is that neither team looked like it wanted to win. The entire staff was sunstroked and scruvy stricken while catching it on the tailgate rig.

Southern Cal 24-Washington 17
This game involved flubber, that's all I'm going to say. I think Jake Locker used a ladder on one play too. Calm down everyone.

Auburn 20-Florida17
War goddam Eagle comes into the Swamp and beats one out of the Gators. Exposing the champs' weaknesses, and playing good enough to win. Way to put a body on Tebow. Wait, you mean when they line up in the House, 15 is running it? Brilliant!

Ohio State 30-Minnesota 7
Stupid hook....

Arizona State 41-Stanford 3
Stanford bows to ASU, and I have no read on the Sun Devils. Just like UGA and Cal, the second I bank on them is the second they break my heart.

Cincinnati 52-San Diego State 23
Umm....go Bearcats?

Purdue 33-Notre Dame 19
Notre Dame, you need to crawl before you can walk, and beating the spread is a good start. Now, just cut down on the deep turnovers and work on the short yardage situations, and you just might beat Navy. The schedule just forecasts more pain, so I'm going ahead and doubling our liquor budget to keep us stocked through the rest of the season. Its the only way.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. He is immune to scurvy