Week 4 Rundown: Pucker!

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Yet another week rolls by with my Trevness being pushed to the brink by the wily lines of those scheming, filthy Germans. I am in the torment, as they would say. Meanwhile, I can still pick that straight up business with the best of them, which is probably more than any of those hacks at my former employer could say. Let's get this blasted scoreboard out

Week 4 Results:
Against the Spread: 8-10
Straight Up: 14-4

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 33-39-1
Straight Up: 56-17

I can only hang my awesome hat on the righteous hat post of the straight up. No worries, though. One day, my entire ensemble of awesome will rest comfortably on the mantle of domination.

Oklahoma 62-Tulsa 21
OU would like that ball very much please, thank you, Tulsa. The Tulsa Powdered Toast offense fizzles in the second half, and the Sooners roll.

West Virginia 48-East Carolina 7
Yarr.

Syracuse 38-Louisville 35
They all mocked me! Behold the wonderment of the Trev as I melt your minds with my prognosticating mind bullets! Would you look at that! Louisville can't defend anyone, and they certainly can't tackle. Syracuse gets one of them defining wins, defining that they don't completely suck, defining that Louisville just might not be any good at all, and defining that the Big East champion has no shot at the title. None. Sorry WVU, but I'm taking a 12-1 SEC team over you, almost unanimously, and blind. It could be Kentucky for all I care.

Clemson 42-NC State 20
CJ Spiller runs back in time to reinvent the wheel and build the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. Meanwhile, he also signs the Declaration of Independence and convinces the Continental Congress to dissolve North Carolina. So, yeah that hurts too.

South Florida 37 - North Carolina 10
USF. Still pretty good. Matt Grothe puts up 17-30 for 240 and that's more than enough to put the Tarheels away.

Nebraska 41-Ball St. 40
Oh for crying out loud, Callahan. Yeah, I'm happy for the win and all, but looking at this as sloppy as hell in all aspects. You damn near gave me like 14 heart attacks with that performance. I know, I know, you're not playing the snaps, but you're sure as hell responsible for that pointshaving piece of.....oh......you son of a bitch.......

Florida 30-Ole Miss 24
Oh my. Way to go, Coach O! The Rebels scratch and claw their way back to respectable, but still manage to fail to pull off the upset. Dem Rebah, dey gettin' bettah an bettah!

Boston College 37-Army 17
Of course, Boston College hates America, but couldn't they have been nice enough to follow through and run up the score? It would have really been appreciated. Way to half-ass the communism, guys.

Louisiana State 28-South Carolina 16
This recap begins and ends with that silly fake FG business. Did you see that? They flipped the bitch! It was effortless, it was phenomenal, and it was clean as hell, son! Right there, right now, are your LSU Tigers ladies and gentlemen. That's about it in a nutshell. They will do whatever they hell they please, whenever they please. Wh

Michigan 14-Penn State 9
For those keeping score at home, the updated transitive herpes list: Michigan, Notre Dame, Penn State, FIU, Buffalo, and Temple. Prepare for exponential contagion, but I'm not too wary of anyone outside of the Big Ten spreading it around right now. Back to the game, a typical Big Ten slugfest as Mike Hart carries probably 95% of the Michigan total offense. I backed the wrong old guy apparently, and down goes the zombie.

Ohio State 58-Northwestern 7
The Wildcats get thoroughly roughed up at the Horseshoe, and now they get to come home to...Michigan?!? Oh, you poor bastards. Warm up the ironic marching band music! I'm thinking They Might Be Giants. Particle Man.....lots of it.

Kentucky 42-Arkansas 29
Wildcatz 4 teh winz?!? I'm not even mad. This is great, just so unexpected. I mean, we all saw the offense, but that was like, you know, against fake teams? Now, we've got Kentucky sitting at 4-0 and might actually, dare I say it, make some more SEC waves before they're done? I'm not going all out to say they're the real deal, but I'm totally upgrading them to heavy spoiler.

California 45-Arizona 27
Thanks, guys. Just go right ahead and squeak by....any time now...No....NOT THE SPREAD. Way to score just enough to kick my ass while still making me doubt you. Ugh....I don't want to talk about it.....

Texas 55-Rice 7
Oh, NOW you decide to show up Texas. Great. That's wonderful for you. Really, I'm thrilled. I take the loss this week, but at least we get to see that you actually have this kind of football in you. Now, continue to tease everyone for two more weeks while I get ready to bet the family farm on Oklahoma.

Georgia 26-Alabama 23
Richt bullseyes a womprat in Tuscaloosa, and they can't be more than 2 meters wide. A nice dagger straight to the Dark Lord. There are no oil paintings in Alabama tonight. Nick Saban does not have time for oil paintings. Also, why does his press conference look like it was filmed in that creepy LOST laboratory? I was so waiting for the camera to pan over to random eyepatch guy.

Wisconsin 17-Iowa 13
Good on Iowa for making this a game, but bad on me for not taking the points in a rivalry. I totally forgot there was some kind of random trophy at stake. What the hell was that? The freaking Heartland Trophy? Now we're just making this shit up. Next year, participation ribbons for everyone!

Southern Cal 47-Washington State 17
No Uncle Milty here. Just pure, unadulterated Trojan beatdowns as Pete Carroll servants steamroll his throne over yet another PAC-10 also-ran.

Oregon 55-Stanford 31
After quite the long day filled with upsets and overtimes, just a few scant minutes after 'Bama goes down, I get to see this game come across the tape and scare the ever living crap out of me. Ducks fans, I know you all went on to walk away with this, but you have to feel a bit scared....just a bit....for two reasons. 1. Y'all gave up 31 points. 2. It was to Jim Harbaugh's Stanford. I would be at least a bit nervous that next week's game with Cal will be a shoot out. Pack your bandoleers.

Michigan State 31-Notre Dame 14
The kid's laughter can only be described as maniacal these days. He has jumped off the deep end further than last year's Michigan blowout. Of course, two more Michigan style blowouts have certainly helped. He's certifiable! It's freaking great! We're going to burn this site to the freaking ground! WOOO! 0-4 for the first time in..ever!?! I already have plenty of incriminating pictures from this week, but that is for another post altogether. Meanwhile, here's a big internet high-five to the Fighting Irish! You guys looked like a football team for the first time all year! It was a shitty football team, but a team nonetheless. Mozzle.

Trev Alberts is a CSTV football analyst. He can make plays.