Week 3 Rundown: Overly Farked
Finally...how many times do we have to freaking count these games? A somewhat respectable showing by the Trev of his Trev-like prowess and overall Trevosity....and it's ruined by that new fangled German fuzzy math! It was a lot of hard work, and save for a handful of crumbbums not pulling their weight, I'm looking squarely at YOU UCLA, it was an alright showing. Let's get that scoreboard in here to show how accurately mediocre I was this week. Interns, PULL!
Week 3 results:
Against the Spread: 7-9-1
Straight Up: 13-4
Against the Spread: 25-29-1
Straight Up: 42-13
The steady march back to respectability is going to need better weeks than this to crawl back to the top of the prognosticating mountain, a consistent effort on all fronts: instinct, random guessing, and total world knowledge. Now if only I could figure out how to get better than .500 (and learn how to count....-IO)
Penn State 45-Buffalo 24
Moral victory for the Buffalo Buffalo! You are officially better than the Fighting Irish! Look at that prodigious display of offensive output! 24 whole points against Penn State. I'm looking over to the kid right now....I think he wants to chew broken glass. Thanks for screwing up the easy money cover, PSU 2nd string...
Virginia Tech 28-Ohio 7
Stupid hook. America's new team shows they can actually score points and are somewhat recovered from last week's chainsawing. Things were bad, but now they are good, forever!
Texas 35-UCF 32
Texas, you are so cut. I have no reason to keep you above Oklahoma, we'll get to their weekly thwomping in a second, because this is just piss poor. It looks like the old Mack Brown is back, because this is one hell of a disappointing Texas team so far. What the hell? The Longhorns are *this* close to being Michigan without getting schooled by Oregon. Sure, UCF was going to want it more, but Texas was supposed to go in there and set them straight, really remind them how things work in football....but NO, they had to go let them get one of them moral victories....I hate moral victories.
Ohio State 33-Washington 14
No ladder, no flubber, no Air Bud:Golden Retriever....you lose Huskies. Sure, it's vindictive to say it, but damn, I am so happy this story is stopping dead in it's tracks. Take your Jake Locker lightning-in-a-bottle, slump your way through a PAC-10 season, and slowly implode like the West Coast Michigan State that we all know you are deep inside, if only to keep my editor from whining about one more thing. An efficient grinding into submission by the Sweatervest.
Florida 59-Tennessee 20
Sweet merciful crap! What happened?!?! I turn my back on this game for one second, and it goes from "Vols score, this is a game again" to "Oct. 6th is going to be freaking ridiculous!" I want Florida-LSU, right now. Call up Dick Ebersol, we're getting that sucker on NBC TONIGHT. Damn the broadcasting deals, we'll let the lawyers take care of that later. I want Bob Costas, Jerome Bettis, and that guy who plays Dr. Cox in the booth calling this game....and I want a life-sized replica of Buckingham Fountain in the middle of the field, in play, and instead of water, it will shoot Rumple Minze. Make it happen.
Oklahoma 54-Utah State 3
Not watching this game at all, I still have this feeling that the Sooners hung half a hundred without even trying. Wee-oww.
Utah 44-UCLA 6
Wee-oww again. I had to rewind the DVR on this ticker a couple of times on that one. Honestly, the first 5 times I saw it flash across the tape, I could have sworn it was UCLA 44-Utah 6. I mean, that's just kind of what I expected, but reality vexed the ever living crap out of me. This totally vexes me. If anyone had the Utes to win straight-up, I am calling you a liar and taking your mother out for a nice night on the town. Utah forces five turnovers, including one of those Pats-Broncos numbers that turns a touchdown into a touchback. 30-0 Utah in the second half seals the deal. Are they sharpening pitchforks again in Westwood? Honestly, I have no idea.
California 42-Louisiana Tech 12
Defense! What a great idea! Let's try that the next time we're on the road. I'm still steaming from them having to squeak it out against the Rams, and they can't cover yet again!
Alabama 41-Arkansas 38
Crown moldings and Bama bombs for all! I'm not saying I'm right or anything, but all those crazy Hogs fans have more than little old me to worry about after letting Saban mind choke this one with his evil powers. I'm more than all right with the push on this, but you have to admit, it sure is fun justifying my rankings of Alabama and Arkansas just on this game. Confirmation bias! Huzzah! Just a guess here, without reading any Razorback message boards, I'm just going to go ahead and assume that there's a tangible amount of posters arguing against sitting a concussed Darren McFadden. Back to Alabama, it's going to get fun once they learn how to finish.
Texas A&M 54-Louisiana Monroe 14
Sure was nice of ULM to give the Aggies a scrimmage before they play Miami of Florida.
Oregon 52-Fresno State 21
Glad to see the Ducks can torch the little guys too. I like that, it's what I want to see out of them. That, and 9 different uniform designs for the rest of the season.
Kentucky 40-Louisville 34
That was....unexpected? Kentucky's offense is good, but I thought all those stories were just hype to make this game interesting. Apparently, it didn't need it. The Wildcats finally get one from Louisville, and its likely death to the Cardinals title dreams, and probably West Virginia's too by the looks of it. We really need to get a Wheel of Death out here, because I think these numbers are going to be so close at the end of the year. College football: where we decide the championship based on opponents opponents opponents, group think, and poll inertia!
Louisiana State 44-Middle Tennessee 0
The Tigers feast on the blue blood of MTSU, stabbing them with their steely knives, and sacrificing them on the altar of Death Valley. They should just install The Stone Table in one end zone and be done with it.
Boston College 24-Georgia Tech 10
Ugh, Boston College is better than we thought, and Georgia Tech is not. Damn. I really wanted that to be the other way around. It's more fun watching Tenuta's defense when it actually, you know, works. BC favorite to win the ACC now? Really? Do they play Clemson? Does anyone care? That conference is like the NIT right now. Sure, you won, now go get rocked in a BCS bowl...unless we line you up with Notre Dame...just to get anybody to watch?
Southern Cal 49-Nebraska 31
Kid, grab me my bindle! We're going down to Lincoln, and I am going to have some speaks with Coach Callahan! Man, I can't believe I fell for the oldest trick in the book. Southern Cal totally "Milton Berle-ed" Idaho, showing just enough to win, then unleashed hell upon the unsuspecting 'Huskers. I can't really say I'm surprised, and now I'm just waiting for Pete Carroll to replace his golf cart with one of those sweet demigod thrones carried on the backs of 1,000 slaves.
Hawaii 49-UNLV 14
Hawaii is good! Maybe not! No wait, they totally are! Ride the WAC rollercoaster and its race to 10,000 yards of offense!
Michigan 38-Notre Dame 0
Oof! That game was a kick square in the beanbag for the kid. Watching him contort his way uncomfortably through 3 hours of...well, I don't exactly know what to call that....was a pure delight. This team is going to kill him, literally kill him, and I'm going to enjoy every last second of him trying to justify his existence in this college football world we live in. Oh my, that was ridiculous! Did you see that part where they couldn't block, or tackle, or even hold on to the goddamn football? Wow. I have seen some nose dives in my day, but wow, it was like the whole team was pointshaving at the same time. Actually, pointshavers try to make the game look respectable, so scratch that. Michigan gets a W for their performance because those are the rules, but while their record may say 1-2, it's really more like 2 losses and a hug at the end of a Special Olympics race. Good job! You did it! Let's go get orange slices!
Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. He could totally rock some Rumple Minze right now, Sally.