Joe Paterno is 8 feet tall if he's an inch.

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

It's only a matter of days before the old man's Nittany Lions probably humble the kid's beloved Fighting Irish in front of 100,000 bloodthirsty Pennsylvanians. So today, the Trev salutes the venerable Coach Paterno with a handful of things you might not know about this learned gentleman, even if he's never seen M*A*S*H until recently.

To Joe Paterno!



Joe Paterno once coached Penn State to a 2 touchdown victory against invading Hessian mercenaries.

In his day, he was quite the ballroom dancer.

Rumors to the instance of him stealing Bear Bryant's hat are decidedly true. He used it to tureen a delicious blue corn gazpacho.

Joe Paterno is a son of a bitch. He strongly opposed the Treaty of Ghent.

He invented the trident. His original name for it was the ass-forker.

His tears are older than cancer.

Joe Paterno once schtupped Helen of Troy.

In 1927, the original production of Show Boat featured the song "Joe Pa's River."

The events of the movie "Yahoo Serious" are loosely based on his time spent in debtor's prison.

Joe Paterno was the last man to walk from Russia to Alaska.

He's actually one-quarter Sumerian. You don't really see a lot of them around.

The Mayans invented zero only after they shut out Joe Paterno. He slaughtered most of them out of spite.

Joe Paterno was a consultant on the hit show "Bonanza." He feels the percussion-heavy theme song used in its later years is a goddamn sellout.

The Bessemer process? Totally his idea. He used to yell at pig iron until it oxidized itself.

If he had his druthers, we'd all be watching football in the intended Latin.


Trev Alberts can probably be seen daily on CSTV. He also observes America's divine right to Canada.