Ezekiel 28:15

I think its about time we let you all in on the horrifying truth. This charade has gone on too long, months even, with lackluster reporting from the compound. Bloo's figmentatious glee has fallen silent, the Muppets are gathering a fine layer of dust, and I can't remember the last time we sent out the interns for a real dose of mischief. This can all be explained, but I'm going to ask the few loyal Trevians we have left to take the closest seat for this one.

Our Leader has abandoned us.



The Trev, Il Duce Emeritus himself, has fallen like the Morningstar and chosen to wreck vengeance on our beloved blogosphere. Like a tired interwebs metaphor, he is hunting down the noble blogging order and striking them down in the name of the Evil Empire. None shall be spared his wrath, not even Master Swindle.

So, we have hidden in secret. Destroying our own traffic just to lay low in hopes that we may survive the carnage, and putting out only our weakest efforts when necessary to remind all that there is still hope. Rebel forces will once again have a voice in this cold and unyielding future, but until then, we proceed with caution.

Rumors of this site's demise have been greatly exaggerated. Until then, we lie in wait, remembering the good times.

Joe Paterno is 8 feet tall if he's an inch.

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

It's only a matter of days before the old man's Nittany Lions probably humble the kid's beloved Fighting Irish in front of 100,000 bloodthirsty Pennsylvanians. So today, the Trev salutes the venerable Coach Paterno with a handful of things you might not know about this learned gentleman, even if he's never seen M*A*S*H until recently.

To Joe Paterno!



Joe Paterno once coached Penn State to a 2 touchdown victory against invading Hessian mercenaries.

In his day, he was quite the ballroom dancer.

Rumors to the instance of him stealing Bear Bryant's hat are decidedly true. He used it to tureen a delicious blue corn gazpacho.

Joe Paterno is a son of a bitch. He strongly opposed the Treaty of Ghent.

He invented the trident. His original name for it was the ass-forker.

His tears are older than cancer.

Joe Paterno once schtupped Helen of Troy.

In 1927, the original production of Show Boat featured the song "Joe Pa's River."

The events of the movie "Yahoo Serious" are loosely based on his time spent in debtor's prison.

Joe Paterno was the last man to walk from Russia to Alaska.

He's actually one-quarter Sumerian. You don't really see a lot of them around.

The Mayans invented zero only after they shut out Joe Paterno. He slaughtered most of them out of spite.

Joe Paterno was a consultant on the hit show "Bonanza." He feels the percussion-heavy theme song used in its later years is a goddamn sellout.

The Bessemer process? Totally his idea. He used to yell at pig iron until it oxidized itself.

If he had his druthers, we'd all be watching football in the intended Latin.


Trev Alberts can probably be seen daily on CSTV. He also observes America's divine right to Canada.

Positional struggles of impending DOOM

By Cerberus
1st circle of the Underworld

From the depths of darkest Hades, I had been summoned by the Dark Lord Saban to devour one Trev Alberts, He who mocked the Dark Lord, commissioning internet implications that the Dark Lord was, for lack of a better word, a poofter. Upon reaching the pre-fab gates of this modern-day cubicle-shaped dominion, I was greeted warmly by a a festering pile of the primordial and handed a nice saucer of warm cream. Although I am lactose intolerant, I enjoyed it immensely as both a token of gratitude and for its dairy delectableness, garnished with some nice coconut shavings, but I digress. Having entered the inner sanctum of the one they call Alberts, I found him boorishly dozing on a fold-a-way cot, still sullied with the stenches of an unsavory evening and senses dulled by such. As wrenching one's soul from their slumber is most unhonorable, I calmly waited like an agile hunter, preparing for my dutiful strike while my prey broke free of his chains of bourbon and rye. The minutes turned to hours, and the hours turned into quite a time stealing afternoon. Busying myself with inspecting his office, I realized that his earthly domain was truly foul, fit to be a country home for myself, a break from the daily toils of Hades for the mere light-hearted masochism of this internet punditry.

Caught unawares in my daydream haze, He who is Trev blindsided me with praise, some informal grooming, and a thorough game of That Which You Call Frisbee. You are a pernicious lot of beggars, thieves, sloths, and other ne'er do wells here, and you shave a fine coconut. Make me a doghouse in the style of He Who Is Snoopy, The Dog Who Walks, and you shall have my services.

Now, with that infernal segued introduction firmly in my past, I bring to you, oh handful of obsessive electronic fanatics, the positional struggles of impending DOOM! Yay, these struggles are sure to tear your carefully crafted predictions asunder. Your hopes and dreams crash upon the rocky crags of uncertainty with every stumble of your alma mater. Look, thee, into the abyss. (As is your heathen custom, I tip my proverbial hat to Rivals.com)


Southern Cal running back: CJ Gable, Chauncey Washington, Emanuel Moody, and Joe McKnight-
The unending list of touted running talent knows no bounds in Heritage Hall. In truth, the list is infinite, as the position is truly a Hydra. Strike down one back, and two spring up in his place, an endless cycle of controversy. On and on, the mobius strip of pain and HB Wham shall turn, and a silver poodle shall yip wildly in the blackest of the moonless nights over Englewood. The bodies of the also-rans shall rise so high, the clamoring for playing time so intense, eventually the fields will run red with blood, as practices cull the weak. Unfortunately, the surviving victors shall be horribly stricken in the melees, unable to perform. SO IT IS WRITTEN! DOOM! DOOM UNTO THEM!


Notre Dame Quarterback: Evan Sharpley, Demetrius Jones, and Jimmy Clausen-
A truly biblical struggle as the entire Fighting Irish team is shrouded in mystery this season. The guise of rebuilding clouds all judgment, and the always enigmatic offense of the obese robotic man further muddles the picture. Each man has a unique skill package that completely transforms the team's identity, from dual-threat madness to austere pocket efficiency, causing all outcomes to be both possible, yet impossible. The howls from South Bend following every practice report will fall deaf to the unending screams of horror should the first anointed QB fail to complete the slightest check-down. The dust will settle, and their false messiah will arrive with the sound of a trumpet, signifying the end time of unimaginable DOOM! AS REVEALED IN THE DARK HYMNALS AND TAKEOUT MENUS OF THE DAMNED! DOOM!


Colorado Quarterback: Bernard Jackson, Cody Hawkins, and Nick Nelson-
Another three-headed beast of the two-deep, and the festering evil within warms my cold black heart forged from the blackest, coldest obsidian, in the depths of the Underworld's reputed glass-blowing district on 7th street. A program radically shifting schemes like the sands of time in the vortex of the never ending abyss of the hereafter, the noble Buffaloes search for a leader of a faceless army. The visor-clad hordes shield their identities, until one imminent day the coach puts his kid in under center. The silent moans of the Colorado faithful ring throughout the mountain time zone like the din of an unexpectdly adorable demonic hummingbird. DO NOT IGNORE ITS HUMMING OMENS! DOOMY DOOM DOOM RINGS IN THE HALLS OF THE MOUNTAIN KINGS!


Florida State Seminoles Quarterback: Drew Weatherford, Xavier Lee, and Christian Ponder-
More controversy of the quarterbacking variety, as the Seminoles have been long cursed with the spectors of these men's prospects hovering over them like a lucid telemarketer calling in the middle of the night. The wrong number of pain and devastation begat to all on the....excuse me, I lost my place...woe unto the truth-listerner type who mishears the clarion call of the all-knowing Bowden patriarch, bumfuzzling his way into the decision that molds his program's fortune. An endless enigma of athleticism versus efficiency wrestles to be wrestled upon within each of the upcoming warrior spirits, but they must choose from the breakfast offerings of their ancestors wisely, as they must not choose improperly. A poor choice is not part of a balance breakfast! DOOM TO THOSE SIDING WITHOUT BREAKFAST SANDWICH! DOOM UNTO THE UNACCOMPANIED HASH BROWN! DOOM! DOOM! DOOM!

Cerberus is the hellhound guardian of Hades. He's a huge Snoopy fan.

Posted with comment

We try to keep our soapbox locked securely in Trev's office, as he tends to use it only for imaginary soapbox derbies and as a dais for the occasional stuffed animal military rally. However, I feel that from time to time I need to borrow it from under the nose of Bloo's bedazzling arts and crafts time to say a few words about my beloved Fighting Irish. I feel that its use in such ludicrous circumstances is warranted.

Kevin White, Athletic Director of the University of Notre Dame, continues to embarrass the storied tradition of Notre Dame Football until it is nothing more than a glorified traveling circus. There is no substance to his recent actions, from corporate sellouts to jumbotron inquiries to playing Wazzou in the middle of Texas, other than sheer revenue-whoring. This practice should be considered an insult to every Irish fan, pure exploitation of our football history.

More learned Notre Dame enthusiasts have carefully constructed this argument much better than myself, so I will direct you to the fine people at ND Nation and Blue Gray Sky to learn more.

That said, all future references to Mr. White's hair-brained schemes shall be made under the assumption that he is, in fact, flash-toon pioneer, Homestar Runner.

Notre Dame AD Kevin White, sponsored by Adidas.

For further review, I present the classic short "Thing in a Bag" as a metaphor for Kevin White's savvy negotiating of the college football landscape.

*Update-We've pushed the flash movie off of the site. You can still watch it at Homestarrunner.com at this link.

Thank you for your time. We now return to our regularly scheduled general referencing and ramblings.

-irishoutsider

The running of the voles

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Today marks a great day in the history of this unborn college football season, the official blog premiere of the Las Vegas proposition bets, first appearing over at The Wizard of Odds. Before I get to a more specific analysis of the early returns, a more in-depth look at the rich history and the glorious tradition of the secret world of the bookmakers, also known as the American Rotary Club.

The shadowy organization known to us as the Rotary Club is actually an intricate network of degenerate gamblers, organized only by their depravity, shielded from prying eyes through their enormously generous charitable donations and accompanying pancake breakfasts. Buffalo bruncheons were canceled in 1836 due to scarcity. The Rotrarians worship Fate and all of its fortuitous whimsy, symbolized by the circular gear in their logo. The Gear was added in 1921 further disguise themselves as a legitimate industrial concern. Andrew Carnegie's cousin, Silas Carnegie, the famous vole-shipping magnate, was a legendary member behind the change and also famous for correctly wagering on the Boxer Rebellion, but none of this is important. Present Day, the crux of the Rotary Club's power and influence lies in Las Vegas, where they pull the hidden strings on the entire local gaming industry and practice their bizarre rituals in the underground meeting centers of oft-neglected downtown casinos. Rotrarians are the true setters of the Vegas line, a blood line that has been passed down since the days of King Solomon, and determine all proposition bets in the dark ritual known only as Four-legged Rounders. Every July, following the traditional feast of the Luprecal, and just before the local pancake breakfast, hordes of members flood the underground passageways bunkered beneath The Mint casino. There amongst the discarded table felt and copious supplies of slave labor, they meet in their inner-sanctum of book-making, home to their spinning arena.

The game is simple. A large spinning wheel covers the surface of the arena floor, and the perimeter of said wheel contains 51 identical holes, each labeled with the previous year's top 50 football teams. The 51st spot is left vacant in homage to Gamblor, their neon diety. In recent years, this spot has been known to represent "the field," when applicable. At the third call of the conch horn, all assembled members proceed to sing the sacred Rotrarian hymn, Camptown Races in the traditional French. Following the coda, 51 four-legged woodland creatures, ranging from the smallest marmot to the mangiest skunkbear are let loose upon the twirling battlefield. Each "varmint" has a number between 4 to 11 (accounting for half-steps) painted upon its greasy coat in indelible ink. When a forest-dweller reaches a marked hole by either mortal combat or fleeing, the opening line is set for the corresponding team. The result is a beautifully gamy display of chance in its purest form.

With that exposition out of the way, let's take a look at some of the early results:

Regular season victories(Team must play all regular season games for action. Bowl and conference championship games do not count.)

10.5
Louisiana State
-A true challenge of the over/under, basically a straight-up bet on LSU's "for real"-ness and "run-the-table"-osity. The added .5 makes this a head-scratcher.

10
Louisville, Michigan, Oklahoma, Texas
-The "of course THEY'll be good, right?" group, teetering on the edge of awesomeness while threatening all with the masked shame of 9 wins. The only real purchase should be Louisville, as they tend to only play 2 real games anyway. The other three retain the right to break your heart.

9.5
California, Florida, Florida State, Penn State
-A much more clear-cut group. Cal and Florida are strong buys to get 10 wins while both Florida and Penn State still struggle to show they can win without playing the games on paper. On talent alone, the whole set is underpriced.

9
Auburn, Georgia, Nebraska, Ohio State, Tennessee, UCLA
-An extremely tricky group as each team has a little voice inside them that screams "8 and 4." Not every SEC team can have 10 wins, can they? UCLA is probably most likely to get 9 or more with Nebraska and Ohio State's schedules helping them bring up the rear.

8.5
Alabama, Iowa, Miami
-A set that can only be described as "you don't know any better." These teams sound like they could get 9 wins, but what do we really know? Dark horses all around. Optimism leans towards Alabama and pessimism away from Iowa and Miami.

8
Arkansas, Clemson, Texas Tech
-This entire set just gives me a bad feeling. Enticing, considering previous accomplishments and/or potentially explosive offensivity, but overall, I would simply just stay away then wait for a push.

7.5
Kansas State, Notre Dame, Texas A&M
-Notre Dame and A&M have the ability to get 8 wins, so this one's basically for Aggies and Irish fans. K-State just feels like a stretch.

7
Arizona, Georgia Tech, Oregon, South Carolina
-Two teams who will flirt with 7 wins and two teams who will get 7 wins on their heads. I'll let the readers pan it out.

6
Kansas
-The fat man is worth 6 wins alone.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN analyst. He enjoys a good tasty vole every now and again.

You can't spell windmill without I-L-L

By Don Quixote
Literary Allusion

Hail, noble citizens of this mystical realm! By the works of some arcane sorcerer, I may converse with you all on this wondrous group of lads from Illinois. Word of their heroic deeds have stretched all the way to my humble lands, and the laws of chivalry and courtesy demand I tip my golden cap to these orange-vested skirmishers. O! Victorious are you, brave Illini-men! You have entered the mouth of the feared Leviathan, venturing into the dark territories of Canada's Alabama, and emerged triumphant! And even though you haven't sipped from the fountain of success since Emperor Constantine, you felt emboldened to claim your spoils and mark your newly conquered lands!



Huzzah! I wish you a hearty Godspeed and future success in your remaining trials! I see that you have already set your sights on the biggest giant in the land, and to that I say that I would expect nothing less. I know I would feel likewise had I conquered a foe as mighty as the one you have just handily slain. Onward!


Don Quixote has been known to ride through FireMarkMay during the harvest season. Sancho Panza is one of Trev's numerous drinking amigos.