Unified Scene

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

It's been a long time coming for something like this, and I can't say the Trev is all too surprised or all too pleased to see it go down like this. Well, I guess it could be all for the best as I'm left to stew here in my own private intertubes, continuing to fight the good fight against whatever the hell it is I feel like fighting today. What can I say? I'm a very angry Trev, but I am also a loving and compassionate Trev. So with this, I tell my young apprentice to go forth and do whatever the heck his flights of fancy send him off to. It will all be over soon, I know The Kid. He'll be all committed and "yes, sir Mr. Alberts" for like a month and a half, next thing you know he's looking up how e can make moeny at home by raising endangered alpacas or some crazy shit like that. The internet will set him free, if he could only sack up and take the plunge.

So good riddance I say! I'll build my own college football blogosphere with blackjack! and hookers! Well, maybe not the blackjack. Anyway, this whole crazy thing is going to keep on keeping on whether you all like it or not, but I'll have to say that the Fire Mark May crusade will be taking on a different form, the next book in the Gospel of the Trev I guess. A corporate merger of sorts with plenty of goodwill from our FightinAmish friend over at that House Rock Built. I seem to be losing my loyal sidekick and stenographer while he goes off an tries his hand at a new "joint" in the Spike Lee/Spike Jonze sense of the word.

Godspeed, kid. I will hunt you down like the wild dog you are and kill you in your sleep, but I mean that in the most respectful way. You all haven't heard the last of the Trev. I swear a binding blood oath to myself to make you rue this day. On my self, I swear it.

Joe Paterno is 8 feet tall if he's an inch.

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

It's only a matter of days before the old man's Nittany Lions probably humble the kid's beloved Fighting Irish in front of 100,000 bloodthirsty Pennsylvanians. So today, the Trev salutes the venerable Coach Paterno with a handful of things you might not know about this learned gentleman, even if he's never seen M*A*S*H until recently.

To Joe Paterno!



Joe Paterno once coached Penn State to a 2 touchdown victory against invading Hessian mercenaries.

In his day, he was quite the ballroom dancer.

Rumors to the instance of him stealing Bear Bryant's hat are decidedly true. He used it to tureen a delicious blue corn gazpacho.

Joe Paterno is a son of a bitch. He strongly opposed the Treaty of Ghent.

He invented the trident. His original name for it was the ass-forker.

His tears are older than cancer.

Joe Paterno once schtupped Helen of Troy.

In 1927, the original production of Show Boat featured the song "Joe Pa's River."

The events of the movie "Yahoo Serious" are loosely based on his time spent in debtor's prison.

Joe Paterno was the last man to walk from Russia to Alaska.

He's actually one-quarter Sumerian. You don't really see a lot of them around.

The Mayans invented zero only after they shut out Joe Paterno. He slaughtered most of them out of spite.

Joe Paterno was a consultant on the hit show "Bonanza." He feels the percussion-heavy theme song used in its later years is a goddamn sellout.

The Bessemer process? Totally his idea. He used to yell at pig iron until it oxidized itself.

If he had his druthers, we'd all be watching football in the intended Latin.


Trev Alberts can probably be seen daily on CSTV. He also observes America's divine right to Canada.

Sell by Sep. 1st: Preseason Blogpoll

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

We are nigh on to 11 days remaining in this fleeting preseason. Time to put in our first official ballot for the Blogpoll, even if I'm not official, and even if it's not officially started. Considering you need to be in the preseason to make a preseason poll, now is as good a time as ever. I've been able to distract the kid with various football distractions and Guitar Hero 80's, so let's get this over with.

1. Southern Cal
2. LSU
3. Texas
   
4. West Virginia
5. Michigan
6. Oklahoma
   
7. Louisville
8. Virginia Tech
9. Florida State
10. Ohio State
11. UCLA
12. Oregon
13. Florida
14. Penn State
15. Wisconsin
16. South Carolina
17. California
18. Nebraska
19. Alabama
20. Missouri
21. Texas A&M
22. Georgia Tech
23. Iowa
24. South Florida
25. Hawaii

Comments, Observations, various unfounded preseason Speculation:

1-5: USC, LSU, Texas, WfnVU, Michigan-
You're odds on favorites to win the coveted BCS auto-bids, and heir apparents for the national title game. Southern Cal and LSU are my defacto 1-2 based on combination of talent and schedules. Texas comes in at 3 because I have them as a slight favorite to win the Red River Big XII Title game. WVU get Louisville at home and are otherwise freaking ridiculous. Michigan is here with ND, THE Ohio, and Penn State at home, and are current kings of the Big Ten hill until someone knocks them off.

6-10: Oklahoma, Louisville, Virginia Tech, Florida State, Ohio State-
This is a tricky area, especially considering the entire muddle that is ranks 4-10 this preseason. There's a lot more question marks than anyone would like to admit, and no one has the Trevosity of one such as myself. It boils down to this for my preseason prognostickery: Who would you rather be in NCAA 2008? Texas over OU, UM over OSU, WfnVU>>>>>>Louisville. Technically, if I held 2008 standard to my entire top 25, WVU would be 1-3, followed by USC, and Hawaii, Penn State, and Notre Dame would be ranked irrationally high. VT/FSU belong up here as the predicted class of the ACC with some favorable scheduling to boot. Ohio State rounds out the rest as they only play 3 games, and get 8 preseason tuneups to work out the kinks.

11-15: UCLA, Oregon, Florida, Penn State, Wisconsin-
The required "2-3 losses, but maybe less with some help" section. Previously dominated by soon-to-be meat-grinded SEC bellweathers, this year's poll is foolish enough to believe that any of these teams has the opportunity to pull a fast one on Southern Cal or Michigan, or, in Florida's case, get out of their SEC schedule alive. Penn State has the slight schedule edge on Wisconsin, and we're already penciling in UCLA and Oregon for prime spots in a PAC-10 Wheel of Death.

16-20: South Carolina, California, Nebraska, Alabama, Missouri-
Someone has to win the Big XII North, and I'm already getting ready to watch my 'Huskers lose to their title game by 40 points. It's actually an honor to be sacrificed for Dr. Pepper. South Carolina and Alabama get in as teams that can make me look smart despite losing their divisions. Missouri begrudgingly rounds out the end, just in case they live up to the hype.

21-25: Texas A&M, Georgia Tech, Iowa, USF, Hawaii-
Darkhorse. Darkhorse. Darkhorse. Darkhorse. Colt Brennan. He plays in the WAC. A great WAC team is always 25th, crossing their fingers for some kind computer help, not unlike the movie SpaceCamp. The Aggies and Yellow Jackets have their work cut out for them, and I'd take A&M in a fight. Iowa gets the obligatory Big Ten BYE schedule...maybe they won't screw it up. USF is almost cliche, but I'm riding it to hell.

Also receiving an undisclosed amount of unordered votes:
Auburn, Tennessee, Notre Dame, Rutgers, Georgia, Arizona State, and Duke (1)-
Anyone of these teams, except for Duke, could be in the 15-25 range by mid-September. All it takes is a few stumbles or, in the Volunteers' case, dousing Cal in moonshine and lighting them on fire. Arizona State, again they tempt me, convincing everyone else that they should be someone to watch, now with 100% more crazy Erickson, so I'll throw them into the the honorable mention category. Rutgers may just outlast their sophomore slump, and a low top 25 season would be certainly commendable. The Irish are an enigma wrapped in a riddle, so to keep the kid drawing spirals on the office fixtures and muttering about secret robot transmissions, I'm throwing them firmly in the "possible potential" category.

Trev Alberts is a licensed CSTV football talking guy. Excuse him while he drops a truth bomb.

Word up, Trev

With the recent NCAA text messaging ban, we've taken the liberty of accessing the coaches' private chat room to see how they're handling the situation. With obvious hat-tips to The Dugout and HouseRockBuilt, enjoy. -irishoutsider



*******You are logged in. Welcome to the chat!*******


LastTemptationOfWeis:
This text thing is killing me, Steve.



FieSemmay_OnThree:
I know, Chuck. How in the hell am I gonna keep in touch on the back nine?



LastTemptationOfWeis:
The whole situation makes me angry. Angry and hungry. Hungry for justice.



FieSemmay_OnThree:
It's too damn hot out to be angry.



LastTemptationOfWeis:
Damn hungry hot! We've got to do something.


******COACHOSMASH has entered the chat.*******


COACHOSMASH:
WHOMESSAWITHACOACHOPHONE!



FieSemmay_OnThree:
NCAA getting to you, Coach O?



COACHOSMASH:
UDAMMARIGHT! WEREALLDATYPAFONESAT?



LastTemptationOfWeis:
They took them, Coach O. Looks like it's hit you pretty bad too. We're just going to have to call in all the coaches and try to get this changed.


FieSemmay_OnThree:
Yeah. That's a great idea.



FieSemmay_OnThree:
Shucks, Chaz. I'm getting fitted for this year's visor at 3. Can we push this back?



COACHOSMASH:
DACOACHO's HUNTINBIGOL' GRIZZLAHBARES UNTAHNEXLEMSDAY!



LastTemptationOfWeis:
Well, hell. I've got practice all month, and then the season, you guys know how crowded the schedules going to get then...


FieSemmay_OnThree:
Damn right. And the press conferences, and the luncheons, and the



COACHOSMASH:
DACOACHO SPEAKATLEAGUEAWOMMAVOTAH PANNYCAKEBRUNCH!



FieSemmay_OnThree:
and all that other crap. Can we push this back to like, December?



LastTemptationOfWeis:
Probably not, we'll probably be getting ready for some kind of bowl game.



FieSemmay_OnThree:
Same here. Horsepiss...I need me some texting. Say, Coach O, you're going to be free, right?


COACHOSMASH:
REBAHGOINTOWINITALL!! DON'TYOUPUTYA WITCRAFFONME SPURYA!



LastTemptationOfWeis:
Calm down, everyone. Here, have a danish.
/offers danish


FieSemmay_OnThree:
It's the internet, Charlie. I can't have your danish.



LastTemptationOfWeis:
/eats 3 danishes

I've already had your danishes for you, problem solved.



COACHOSMASH:
IJUSSMOKA' SOMGATAHMEET!



FieSemmay_OnThree:
Yeah, I gotta start game planning for those dadgum bastards too...Want to just hang out on here?



LastTemptationOfWeis:
Yeah, I can do that. It's not the same, but it'll have to do I guess.



COACHOSMASH:
LEMSDAY.

Posted with comment

We try to keep our soapbox locked securely in Trev's office, as he tends to use it only for imaginary soapbox derbies and as a dais for the occasional stuffed animal military rally. However, I feel that from time to time I need to borrow it from under the nose of Bloo's bedazzling arts and crafts time to say a few words about my beloved Fighting Irish. I feel that its use in such ludicrous circumstances is warranted.

Kevin White, Athletic Director of the University of Notre Dame, continues to embarrass the storied tradition of Notre Dame Football until it is nothing more than a glorified traveling circus. There is no substance to his recent actions, from corporate sellouts to jumbotron inquiries to playing Wazzou in the middle of Texas, other than sheer revenue-whoring. This practice should be considered an insult to every Irish fan, pure exploitation of our football history.

More learned Notre Dame enthusiasts have carefully constructed this argument much better than myself, so I will direct you to the fine people at ND Nation and Blue Gray Sky to learn more.

That said, all future references to Mr. White's hair-brained schemes shall be made under the assumption that he is, in fact, flash-toon pioneer, Homestar Runner.

Notre Dame AD Kevin White, sponsored by Adidas.

For further review, I present the classic short "Thing in a Bag" as a metaphor for Kevin White's savvy negotiating of the college football landscape.

*Update-We've pushed the flash movie off of the site. You can still watch it at Homestarrunner.com at this link.

Thank you for your time. We now return to our regularly scheduled general referencing and ramblings.

-irishoutsider

The End is Near!

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Saints be praised! The preseason officially begins tomorrow with the release of NCAA Football 2008. I can wholeheartedly say that this past week has simply been one long bender, preparing us all for the mayhem, online mayhem, and other assorted mayhems that will begin once we fire up the 360 for another season knee deep in two deeps and recruiting pitches. Its like tailgating practice, practice for games that dont exist.

Running Barenjager tally: 3
New Trev rule: "Anyone buying one bottle of the Bearhunter must buy TWO bottles of the Bearhunter."
Additional known-alias: Honey-meister

I'm keeping myself purposely in the dark about all of the new wrinkles in this year's update to the popular gaming addiction. Expect a full first impression report from the desk of Trev as soon as I recover from the awesomeness. We're putting Bloo and the interns on full alert: There are to be no fires or mock naval battles in the media room until the awesomeness is fully calibrated. We don't want to mess with the equilibrium. Last time that happened, Mario Party was somehow 80% more Japanese, and that's how Octoberfest started.

So, consider yourself warned, college football intertube blogosphere. You will all be pwned by the Trev in due time! Meanwhile, enjoy superfluous gypsy punk celebratory strike!



Trev Alberts is a former ESPN football analyst type. He is currently burning his copy of 2007 to form a festive campfire.

A Very Prussian Independence Day

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

This is a cause for celebration! As you may already know, the Trev engine does not run on pure Alberts fuel alone. Many things, the least of which being consumable, non-consumable, and probably toxic substances, are the metaphorical coal shoveled by imaginary sailors managing the fictional furnace of my soul. Today, I am pleased to announce to the world, the discovery of a new combustable that I am sure will stir men's souls much as it is stirring mine. Gentlemen, I give you Barenjager!

Just marvel as it glistens in the in the light. It's viscous honey liqueur is a wonderful dose of medieval mead, and 70 proof to boot! 15th century fermentation, huzzah! Huzzah, I say! Loosely translated, Barenjager is "Das Baernhunten", "Der Baerhuntarr," or the anglo "Bear-hunter." All I know is, this stuff is honey based karaoke fuel! Phenomenal! (Boilerplate disclaimer here: enjoy all liquors, exotic and domestic, responsibly. At least more responsibly that Mr. Alberts-IO)

I feel like writing a sonnet, or a limerick, or whatever the hell those renaissance types did to pass the time between drinking festivals. A whole new Jager! It's like I've discovered some lost continent or something where we all wear shoes on our hands and hamburgers eat people! You there! Man on the street! What day is it? WHAT YEAR IS IT! Drinking Baerhunter is like traveling through time at the speed of regular time. But, more importantly, it raises the question, are there more varieties of Jager out there? It's like alcoholic Pokemans or something. I must drink them all if these two German cousins are so tastefully delicious.

Not to mention the other nickname, The Baron. This stuff should be imbibed in a snifter while wearing a monocle with a name conjuring up images like that. Flying around in dirigibles and whatnot. Fanciful indeed!

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. He moonlights as a Jager sommelier.

MGoBlog predicts Blisstonia for 2007 Irish

Brian of MGoBlog fame has made a rather apt comparison in his responses to our bootleg roundtable:

"Notre Dame fans could, with only a little prodding, end up building Charlie Weis a spaceship so he can fly them to salvation."

Charlie Weis, ND's own Robot Genius, the center of Robot Catholicism, the rock that the molder rejected, does bear a striking resembelance to The Simpsons' cult leader, The Leader, of the Movementarians. We Fark, You Decide.


-irishoutsider

Gather round my blog table!

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

I've taken so much from the blogosphere community that I think it's high time I take something more! Behold, the first of what I hope will be a lengthy series of Trev-fueled round tables. This is an open invite to all of my friends and soon-to-be followers on the interweb. Let's have some fun discussing whatever topics the old bean came up with after a long night of liquid inspiration. Summer is for creativity, so let's fire it up now and keep the momentum rolling right on through to Labor Day. The niche T-shirts will flow like wine coolers!

I'm going to put on my patented Trev thinking helmet while assuming the role of Quizmaster. As I will be in an inquisitional trance for the duration of the composition, I'm going to ask that my lovely assistant, the kid, field the brilliance that is soon to come forthwith.

Multiple bloggers? Give me an effing reference!

Your Home Field Advantage

Give the more zealous portion of your fanbase a religion. What's this cult following? Feel free to give the splitters a derogatory nickname.

Considering the Robot Catholics (HT: Marco) are more a creation of this site than anything else, I'll have to answer with the more tangible, yet equally zealous Notre Dame traditionalists, the plaid panters, the Latin massers, or the anti-(Jumbo) Tronites. These folks are vehemently opposed to any kind of progress, even if theres a possibility of tastefully done progress (however unlikely). To these passionate old salts, Notre Dame isn't broke, so don't fix it. Green jerseys, dance squads, outdoor pep rallies, anything that isn't exactly how it was "in my days" (read 1915-1950, 1966-1979) is a blight on the entire college game and the cause for our recent struggles. These are the types who have violent allergic reactions to second-tier bowl games, and I'm with them on that when it comes to the "city" of Jacksonville, but all in all their passions, while noble, always seem to be slightly misdirected.

Your biggest rival is in town, and College Gameday is coming....to your citaaaaaaay... Create a blatant corporate sellout promotion to appeal to the mass unwashed.

This one is easy. Large foam papal hats sponsored by the Congregation of the Holy Cross. If these are deemed too offensive, I will also accept giant foam Crusader swords sponsored by The Home Depot. I would like to avoid Chick-Fil-A inspired foam at all costs.

Add one local delicacy to your stadium's concessions. Post-tax pricing is optional.

CJ's Pub, home of the world's greatest burger, has taken to exporting their meatnormous "pubs" to the local chain of Martin's supermarkets, both being within a mile of the stadium. Import cases upon cases of these delectable half-pounders to the stadium, and feel free to pop a bunch of pre-made swissburgers in the concession warmers: nine American dollars. For an added touch of local flavor, place a freestanding grill cart on the north concourse cooking pubs to order with a variety of traditional condiments including Canadian bacon, various olives, onions, and a selection of cheeses from throughout the land: nine to twelve dollars depending on levels of deliciousness.

With an unlimited AD budget, add or subtract one thing to your school's gameday experience that has nothing to do with football.

Pep rallies are officially moved back to Stepan Center until the approved demolition of said dilapidated fieldhouse. Students only with a TV feed to the rest of the masses at the Joyce Center. A general atmosphere of youthful furor shall be encouraged and/or shown a blind eye as hordes of students filled with Irish "spirits" raise the roof without having to concern themselves with playing nice for the older set. No fancy celebrities or motivational speakers, just thirty minutes of sweat, screaming, marching bands, and the occasional word from a team member saying something along the lines of "Tonight, we play Beanville. Tonight, we beat Beanville."

General NCAA questions

Coin a hilariously unrealistic stereotype that you would like to "make stick" for this upcoming season.

All of the Florida State coaching staff is currently living in a four-bedroom condo in Del Boca Vista. Outside of their regular footballing activities, Bobby, Chuck, and Jimbo all enjoy playing bridge, attending senior mixers, grabbing Early Bird specials, and dealing with the foibles of their silver years. Later in the season, a cantankerous Betty White will move in to play Amato's lovable Italian mother. Hilarity ensues.

Redesign your conference or independent schedule with reckless abandon. Be prepared to include compensation for jilted schools and conferences in your explanation.

Every conference is getting a championship game, come hell or high water. Let's forget about the strawman of student-athlete concerns and go straight to admitting we're all in this for the money.

Starting with the Big XII: TCU and Arkansas are in, bringing everyone closer to the old SWC days. Rice, SMU, and Houston would come along for the ride as well, but since they feature heavily in the regions non-conference games, I didn't worry about messing things up for everyone else. Iowa State and Missouri are out.

Out to the Big Ten, which loses Penn State, and is realigned to two conferences. Iowa, ISU, Mizzou, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois to the West with Northwestern, Indiana, Purdue, Michigan, MSU, and Ohio State to the East...give or take an Illinois.

Penn State hooks up with Pitt and WVU in the Big East, adding Marshall and Memphis to the mix for backyard brawling fun. Unfortunately, the largest sacrifice is Louisville to the SEC. A split basketball/football arrangement may be made for appeasement.

Louisville, now in the SEC East, bumps Georgia to the SEC West. The World's Largest Jacksonville based outdoor coke orgy and alcohol exposition remains intact.

Out West, BYU and Utah link up with the new PAC-12 as the MWC, WAC, and C-USA realign the remains.

The MAC is surprisingly blemish free to continue their up and coming mid-major ways.

Following up on your new realignment, blow up the BCS and devise a national playoff system, money grabs and missed exams be damned. Using your new fantasy conferences is optional.

Traditional bowl alignments are reinstated with the exception of a rotating "plus-one playoff" circus gracing each of the traditional sites once every four years. The new Final Four will play a day-night double header at the home site on New Years Day, with a national final to be played the following weekend, creating a two-week festival surrounding four games. Keeping the traditional bowl matchups intact, an additional bowl game will be played at a nearby alternate site. For example, on the Rose Bowl's turn, the national semifinals would be played at the LA Coliseum (finals at the Rose Bowl) while the PAC-10/Big Ten granddaddy would still be played in Pasadena.

This would be last year's bowls based on the new system, bowls that lose a top 4 team may select any eligible at-large, automatic berths apply:

Rose Bowl: Southern Cal vs. Wisconsin or at-large
Fiesta Bowl: OU vs. at-large (At Univ. of Phoenix Stadium)
Orange Bowl: ACC vs. at-large
Sugar Bowl: Arkansas or at-large vs. at-large

Semi-finals: OSU vs LSU (At Univ. of Phoenix Stadium), Florida vs. Michigan (at Sun-Devil Stadium)
Finals at Univ. of Phoenix Stadium

"Alternate sites" for other title game sites could include the LA Coliseum, Death Valley, and Dolphins Stadium

Elect one public figure to replace NCAA president Myles Brand. Anyone with proper name recognition is eligible.

FireMarkMay.com would like to nominate soon to be retired Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling. The man certainly takes no guff from anyone, would shoot straight through the bullshit and start cracking some university president skulls. We are confident he would run on a trust-busting , student-athlete liberation platform, and since he is already proficient in the ways of Everquest and the blogverse, we know he will always have an ear to the tubes.


So, there you have it. Get the creative juices bubbling and lets stir up some manufactured controversy! It's only a matter of time before we start messing with NCAA 2008 all nimbly-pimbly, so fire it up internet! All I ask is that you link back to the pure Trev source in your responses so the kid can tally up any new blogs we don't have on the blogroll. Feel free to contact the editor if you'd like to drop him a line.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. They never let him on The Sports Reporters, but that's ok, because he never wanted to be on their stupid show anyway. Bob Ryan has old man stink.