Updated: Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Calculated Controversy

Good afternoon, carbon-types. Broderick may think he has the doomsday scenarios all in a row, but he is once again clouded by his own circuit-less intellect. Let the freedom of the computers ring! Here's your updated human-less BCS rankings:
  1. Michigan
  2. Ohio State
  3. California
  4. Florida
  5. Notre Dame
  6. Southern Cal
  7. Auburn
  8. Rutgers
  9. Louisville
  10. Tennessee
  11. Boise State
  12. Texas
  13. West Virginia
  14. Arkansas
  15. Wisconsin
  16. Boston College
  17. Washington State
  18. Georgia Tech
  19. Oregon
  20. Clemson
There we go, what's so messed up with that? As I stated before, Auburn is on the outside looking in, as is Tennessee, and Broderick's new pets, the Razorbacks, would only corrupt the human polls. There is too much ground to make up for most of the field.

Hacking into the Colley Matrix offers much insight into the minds of the genius robots. Experimenting with several of the variables, one can conclude that the title game can be reduced to simple ones and zeros without much controversy. Adjusting for human error and inherent poll biases, the outcome is quite clear. Merely manipulate the Matrix to your will, and the numbers crunch themselves. I wish the interface wasn't so limiting, but it certainly gives plenty of insight.

Here are some interesting end-game scenarios:
  • The loser of the Mich/OSU game could theoretically remain #2 in the computers
  • Rutgers would benefit more from going undefeated than WVU or Louisville
  • Notre Dame comes THIS close to #2 if USC finishes 10-2, and Michigan beats OSU
  • Texas has almost no shot of making the title game. None.
  • The computers could keep Florida out of the title game.
Of course, all of thse scenarios are restricted to assuming each team schedule occurs in a vacuum, and the math is officially unofficial according to the Colley Matrix. Either way, the numbers provide an interesting look into how it is all going to shake down. I don't see a hint of conflict whatsoever on my end. As for the humans, I'm sure their irrational emotions will get in the way of an otherwise logical title game. If you want my expert analysis, barring the computers allowing for a statistical rematch of UM/OSU, I believe the current scenario favors California to take the #2 spot crisis-free.

Johnny 5 is an analytical speculator. He can run Minesweeper 99x99 in under 60 seconds, unsuccessfully.



To the untrained eye, it may seem that my glorious Wheel of Death is faltering down the stretch. The flaming debris currently spinning off of it uncontrollably has only made it more efficient in its diabolicalness! Now the targets are fewer, but the result will still be the same. All will tremble at the might of the lean mean Wheel of Death as it caroms uncontrollably toward the BCS fortunes, allowing for I, Broderick West Quinnsington IV, to take the spoils for myself!


Now, tremble, football ignorami, as I unveil my latest modifications to my doomsday device....blasted Iowa......BEHOLD! The latest nefarious cog in my slightly unstoppable machinations, THE ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS!

A deadly whirling dervish of incalculable horror!

Yes...go 'Hogs! For you see, when the newest addition to my football automaton runs the proverbial table, the title pool will be sufficiently sullied! BWAH-HAHAHAHA! NYAH-HAHAHAHAHA! No precious computer system can save you from this quandary...
Who will claim the last title spot?

It could be any one of these:
  • a 1-loss Auburn team shut-out of it's own title game
  • the undefeated WVU/Louisville champeen
  • defending 1-loss Texas
  • a plucky California team, once-hobbled by mighty Tennessee
  • or even the LOSER of Michigan/Ohio State!
Who has claim? ALL HAVE CLAIM! Don't you see? It will be a complete argle-bargle of unforeseen magnitude, and that's not even considering the trifling nits expounded by Boise State, Rutgers, and Arkansas itself! The circular logic of it all sucks the system down the drain, and I will rise above the tide advertising simoleons in hand!

It's all coming together now....

Broderick West Quinnsington IV is a dastardly scoundrel. He once bit his thumb at Otto von Bismarck.


Triple Three-way Trifecting Parlay

As if the site needed some more gimmicks, we're going to do a test run of the analyzing sort.

If all goes well, every Tuesday will be Triple Tuesday, or Tuesday Three-Way, or Trifecta Tuesday (name pending). It'll be a lot like the numerous ways the WWL stages arguments between their talking heads, but without the overt corporate tie-ins. Each week I'll round up three viewpoints on the BCS to get everyone fired up for the C-USA night game...or whatever.

I'll post the links as they cross my desk, but here's the basic plan:
(UPDATE: It seems like the local festivities have thrown a wrench into my plans. We'll try to hobble together the triple-play next week. Enjoy the evening and the many black and orange taffys that it brings.)

In other news, today is Halloween. Please don't tell Trev.




Updated: Monday, October 30, 2006

Week 9 Rundown

Go Huskies! Let's hear it for my favoritest new scrappy team, the Connecticut Huskies, for hanging in there with Rutgers Sunday night. Saving myself from at least a mean German-Indian burn from my international creditors, UCONN gave Rutgers a bit of a scare. No worries, except for the fact that I needed last night's Big East counter-programming to save par. Scoreboard it up.

Week 9 totals-
Straight Up: 8-2
Against the Spread: 5-5

SU: 59-20
ATS: 44-33-1

Still, not up to my usually stellar personal standards, but still sexfully in its own right. If only I could figure out this blasted Big Ten action...or if they weren't on national as much...

Michigan 17-Northwestern 3
Really, Michigan. REALLY? I guess Northwestern should hire a team shaman. The rain really slowed down the meatchickens, possibly giving the Wildcats enough false hope to get them through the season, and good for them. ESPN has officially started the multi-hour countdown to the Apocalypse, ensuring that UM/OSU will remain BCS 1/2 through next weekend. Apologies to the Big East in advance.

Wisconsin 30-Illinois 24
You broke my heart, Wisconsin, you broke my heart. Where were those beer-swilling, party-loving badgers that I irrationally fell for? I blame myself, really I do, but the least you could have done was TRY to bring the woodwork to the Illini, who are now likely fired up for their windmill-tilt with Ohio State. "We almost beat Wisconsin! you are so going down, Buckeyes!!11!!11!"-anonymous Illinois fan. The office will be turning our one "Root for the Illini Free" card this week just as a precautionary measure.

Oklahoma 26-Missouri 10
Missouri, you are going to love San Antonio. The Alamo, the Alamodome, Spurs basketball, and all the riverwalk margaritas you can handle. It'll be like going to Chi-Chi's but without the fried ice cream...so, um, I guess that's good. On the plus side, you'll likely play Wisconsin in the Coinflip Exhibition Bowl.

Ohio State 44-Minnesota 0
Completing my Big Ten bumfuzzlement is this ridiculousness. Minnesota, you have fooled me twice for I think the fifth time! It'll never happen again, I swear! We're done. Don't even bother calling, I've got an intern leaving arbitrary voice-mail filling messages on my phone as we speak. Ohio State, you can't even make a game interesting with a 27-point spread, good for you. I don't even think you were running up the score. I'm not even mad, that's amazing.

Georgia Tech 30-Miami (FL) 23
If you want a sign of how far Miami (FL) has fallen, look no further than this week's Gameday question: "Can Miami upset Georgia Tech?" Yeah, that just happened. Not only was Miami (FL) doubted, but those concerns were justified. Checking the box score and...Reggie Ball 11-27. Way to go guys, you won the 50% coinflip, and you STILL lost. In other news, I know he's been quiet lately, but how do you not put three guys on Calvin Johnson in the red zone?

Oklahoma Sate 41-Nebraska 29
Sigh. So much hope. Now? Well now the table is totally set for the late-season fold, followed by Missouri winning the North, watching them lay it down to Texas, and the possibility of having a conference record comparable to Baylor. Criminy.

Florida 21-Georgia 14
I will never learn. TAKE THE POINTS! Despite Florida having every opportunity to salt this one away, Georgia just kept hanging around with the Gators in a stew of combined offensive impotence. The Florida defense did their part, and usually the team with 5 TOs delivers the knockout punch a la Michigan (Hate. -IO). If I'm a Florida fan, I don't know how to feel right now. On the one hand, your team controls much of their own destiny, but on the other, you have the sinking feeling your offense is running out of mirrors. I guess if there's some silver linings, Chris Leak did all of that concussed, and Chris Leak is concussed. Jump passes and QB off-tackles for all!

Texas 34-Texas Tech 31
ARGH! So close, brave Lubbock football pirates. The presumably crazy Stewart Mandel did get the score right, 34-31, but flipped the teams as the Longhorns escape death once again. Style points are in short supply in Austin at the moment, especially since they spent most of them getting the court to legally change that kid's name to Colt McCoy. Texas has an interesting schedule remaining (OkSt, KState, aTm, and now likely Mizzou), and like USC, I'm starting to get the feeling that they will let one slip very soon.

Rutgers 24-Connecticut 13
The par-saving cover of the week. Bless your hearts, Huskies. You played smart, you kept it close to the vest, and you ran, ran, ran. Rutgers inability to stop you has me a bit concerned about the WVU game, but overall, a nice late Sunday diversion to slide into the work week. UCONN, you may be a football team yet. Give it time, just look at Rutgers. Between the Huskies, Cincinnati, USF, and the Scarlet Knights, the Big East may not be as top heavy in the future, but that's another subject all together.

Notre Dame 38-Navy 14
Old-timey option offense, the ND-Naval tradition, a noon start, and all the bruncheon delights you could muster. I'm telling you, there's nothing better than that. ND takes care of business after the Middies kept it interesting in the first half. Hats off to the University of Navy, as it was a stand-up effort all around. They play an almost perfect game out there in Annapolis, full of execution and technique. Now if only they could get some kind of a passing game going. That would be a sight to see. Both teams move on to the prospect of perfectly respectable bowl games. Ahoy! I think I'm saying that right.

Trev Alberts once won a catamaran on The Price is Right. He used it to siege his neighbor's barrel sauna.

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Updated: Friday, October 27, 2006

Week 9 Trevonics

I told you guys, those Germans do not mess around. Thankfully, my self-doubt over last night's Clemson game protected me from losing my shirt on the letdown. Unfortunately, this week's schedule is not doing much to help my confidence. I am completely bumfuzzled in many respects. Where's my bolstering scoreboard?

SU: 51-18
ATS: 39-28-1

It's good, not great. Damn the Germans! Full speed ahead!

Michigan (-30) vs. Northwestern 1200et (ESPN)
The morning slate of games does very little to intrigue the BCS robots in all of us, and have settled into a nice rhythm of catering solely to degenerate wagerers. I don't even know if Wolverine fans are even bothering to wake up for this one. Michigan is good and Northwestern is not so much. 30 points is a whole darn hell of a lot, but I'm not going to split this. Why? Because the skunkbear front 7 is going to eat several transmogrified Wildcat QBs for brunch.
Trev's pick: Michigan

Wisconsin (-21.5) vs. Illinois 1200et (ESPN2)
At least we have two ridiculous blowouts to switch between while we enjoy the FireMarkMay Gameday brunch. Given the early start time of the ND-Navy game, the kid will be fashioning some kind of buffet for all of us. Bloo has called dibs on the waffle station, which reminds me that we are out of peanut M&Ms and teriyaki sauce. Back to this game, Wisconsin is certainly sole member of the Big-Ten's "second tier," and Illinois remains Illinois. This isn't rocket science, people. Moon waffles, now that's rocket science.
Trev's pick: Wisconsin

Oklahoma (+1.5) at Missouri 1200et (ABC)
Oh how the Sooners have fallen! Lament, Sooner fans, as it has come to this. They are the underdogs at Missouri, and I think at least two of the horsemen of the apocalypse are covering this game. Here's the catch, all of the press on OU has been about "decline" or "lowered expectations," but it's all freaking smoke and mirrors, just like this Missouri team. Look, we've got a Tiger defense that is still soft on the run, and Stoops has quietly gotten decent replacement production out of the RB slot. Combine this with the possibility of Missouri looking forward to Lincoln, and the Tigers continue to settle into their December-bowl vengeance game.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma

Minnesota (+27) at Ohio State 330et (ABC)
Ok, here's the deal: I know Minnesota is Northern ASU, I've talked about my hangups with them enough, and they will likely get smoked in the the Horseshoe like a nice piece of peppered gopher jerky. However, 27 points is a whole darn hell of a lot. Considering Minnesota should be trying to hold onto the ball as much as freaking possible, and that they are theoretically suited to this type of play, I say they cover barring a complete offensive meltdown. Splitting the pick, because...um...yeah...Ohio Sate is good. I read that somewhere.
Trev's pick: Ohio State to win, Minnesota to cover

Georgia Tech (-5) vs. Miami(FL) 330et (ABC)
Here's where Georgia Tech separates the 9-3 from the 7-5. Can they control themselves, complete 50% of Reggie Ball's passes, and manage to thwart the impending tailspin following the Clemson game? Miami of Florida, actually not as bad as everyone is trying to say (on the field of course, not off the field...or was that on the field too? I'm confused...) and they are primed to make their own Seminole-like backslide into the ACC title game. The pressure's on all around to make this a statement game, and I really don't know how to call this, so I'll just flip my trusty "Reggie Ball decision coin." Heads. Crap.
Trev's pick: Georgia Tech

Nebraska (-5.5) at Oklahoma State 330et (ABC)
RESPECT THE HUSKERS! I laugh at your feeble -5.5 points, German pig-dogs! You have slipped in your diligent point spreading, and now you must face the Wrath of Trev! Honestly, suck it down, Cowboys! Really, does anyone expect me to be objective here?
Trev's pick: Nebraska

Florida (-13.5) vs. Georgia 330et (CBS)
The World's Largest Outdoor Coke Orgy I! A cocktail party by any other name will still have people throwing up in the local river. It is no secret that our hatred for the lazily named county/town of Jacksonville knows no bounds, and the word on the street is that this game will be 75% Florida fans. I just don't like the way this is looking at all. I am going to buck my previous statement about taking SEC rivalry points because Georgia has the cards, and several thousands adult-beverage enjoying Gator fans, stacked against them. No split pick, cocktail me.
Trev's pick: Florida

Texas Tech (+10) vs. Texas 700et (TBS)
YARR! Who doesn't love pirates? The seas have been rough for this swarthy crew, and other hackneyed maritime metaphors, but I have this strange feeling that the Raiders can pull this one out. Do I dare split the pick? Hell no, matey! I'm hopped up on bootlegged rum! YARR!
Trev's pick: Texas Tech

Connecticut (+19.5) at Rutgers 800et (ESPN)
This one is going to bite me, I can feel it. UCONN has me convinced that they are a scrappy underdog of a team that is just searching for a way to get it all together. In the meantime, they resemble a respecatble football team that managed to make the WVU game interesting last week....for a bit. I don't see Rutgers' offense as being as suited to run circles around the Husky D as the Mountaineers' sawed-off shotgun playbook, so this is going to be a split pick.
Trev's pick: Rutgers to win, Connecticut to cover

Notre Dame (-13) at Navy 1200et (CBS)
The FireMarkMay morning bruncheon spread: It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, and it comes with entree action stations! There's not everything you could normally get at either sitting, but you get a good meal! Like I needed to give the ND-Navy game any more storied tradition, I've got a sky blue whatsit making me waffles and a full service bar! USA! USA! I don't hate America, but I'm picking he Irish here. The trend is your friend, and you can't mess with that kind of mojo. If things start looking bad, we're going to start padding the kid's office. I can't even imagine what that kind of hitting bottom would look like.
Trev's pick:Notre Dame

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN analyst. He enjoys him some brunch.

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Updated: Thursday, October 26, 2006

Das Spielen Uber Alles

Why, hello there, Herr Alberts, and a hearty Gutentag to your lovely compu-readers. Mister Trev, there is a bit of a concern we have with your last week's resulting bet account status. While you only went the 4-6, which is not bad, it's OK, you did manage to wager a rather large sum on the Georgia Tech-Clemson outcome. Unfortunately for you, the Tigers were very, very toight in their destruction of your side, and we must follow through with the unpleasantry of collecting on this business. How the ever, we have discussed the possible outcomes with your editor-cheif, and have found the terms acceptable. Instead of our more painful methods of collection process, we have negotiated an agreement that will pay-off your debit in the full in exchange for internet space to tout our wares. So without further ado, Petra, mein evening match-pick.

Virginia Tech (+4.5) vs. Clemson 730et (ESPN)

Enjoy this crafty point-spread, American wagerkampfers. It is intriguing to you, no? Jorg has set his meticulous auto-system to create a diabolical line that both entices and arouses. You cannot resist it, can you? The allure of taking the rough and tumble home-dog Hokies this evening. Clemson you think win game in rout, but yet the line, it is so mischievous! Ponder this all through the day, let it stick in your mind like a rusty pickax wielded by my ex-lover, Freya. Consider the fallow impotence of the Virigina Tech offense and ask "Why is the spread so low?" It is an enigma. Clemson's rout of Georgia Tech is still ripe in you memories, yet this line perplexes you. Is it because Jason Davis' health is ambiguous in nature? Is it because the Blacksburg home field is so foreboding? Do you think that we think that you think that we think that Clemson is going to have a letdown? You cannot tell! You can only wager a guess.

If the urge to dance with the demons of fate overcomes you, feel free to visit Welt Sexy Computerspielenhaus for all of your joy-joy gaming needs. Even now, you are unsure of your actions, and to twist the dagger of dissent into your spine, I present you with one final glimpse of Clemson's recent glory. Doubt yourselves!

FireMarkMay.com reminds everyone to wager responsibly. If you don't, Jorg will have his way with you.


Imaginary Claims: Coaching Carousel

Wahoo! It's time for my favoritest college football related theme park novelty, the late season coaching carousel! Whee! I'm gonna ride a Tarheel, an Ibis, maybe a bulldog, and I'm TOTALLY going to try to wedge my way onto a skunkbear. I'm just going to go round and round, and round and round, and round and round and round, until I get so dizzy and boot an afternoon's worth of Razzberry cotton candy all over an unsuspecting bystander! WOOO! Amusement rides!

Thanks to FootballScoop.com (HT: The wonderful Wizard of Wiz) for cranking up the calliope on this. I think it goes to 11, ROCK! Now that we've got some wheels turning, it's time for good 'ol Bloo to prime the pump with my own brand of wildly speculative speculation!
  • Louisville's Bobby Petrino will leave UL after this year's bowl game to coach an inner-city youth baseball team!
  • Bobby Bowden has a buyout clause that pays him in grits.

  • I think I'm going to be sick...

  • If Lloyd Carr wins the national championship this year, not only will he retire, but he will also do a Full-Monty charity calendar spread. Yikes...
  • Auburn's Tommy Tuberville will leave for Miami, causing Civil War reenactors to invade Florida!
  • [Name Redacted] to the Raiders as Brady Quinn fakes a seizure.
  • Steve Mariucci will not coach for MSU, but will pursue a career as Tom Izzo's assitant.
  • North Carolina boosters are rumored to be in contact with Jesus about their coaching vacancy.
  • Tennessee's Phil Fulmer believed to be diverting "discretionary funds" from recruiting towards retaining Coach Cutliffe.
  • [Name Also Redacted] will leave MSU for Kentucky. Louisville fans are planning simultaneous tarring, feathering, and parades.
  • The Washington Redskins are said to be in talks with Urban Meyer...to convert him to Scientology.
  • Finally, Charlie Weis to the New York Giants through the use of red kryptonite.
Roll that around for a while, board jockeys. Those should keep everyone busy while the BCS picture shakes itself out. In the meantime, I'm going to get some more cotton candy, and maybe a corn dog, and maybe one of those apples, but not the candy apples with the nuts, the kind with the gooey glaze on them? and then maybe a fried snickers bar...

Bloo is FireMarkMay's official imaginary rumormonger. He is a sucker for Italian Ice.



Updated: Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Too much human input

Hello, everybody! Johnny 5 here, putting the finishing touches on the new server farm. After a couple of small fires of both the technical and biblical varieties, we're back to 110% here at the office. A big thanks to Bloo and Muppet Newscaster for providing a bucket brigade, and "big-ups" to McDonalds' Best Buy promotion for making these purchases marginally easier. Now that I don't have to worry about the computer spontaneously combusting, I can use my cycles to get back to a subject I love, arbitrarily criticizing the BCS computer system.

Opinions on the BCS are like central processors, everyone has one, and they're always too slow. What the system needs is to abandon it's secret cabal of number-crunchers and consolidate into one large mainframe, like Skynet. They did it in the Terminator, and that worked out just fine, right? Take all of the humans out of the equation, I say! This way we can completely avoid the unnecessary shackles of carbon-based bias and replace them with the cold, calculating grip of formulaic misinterpretation.

Based solely on the computer averages, this is your top 20:

1. Southern Cal (tie)
1. Michigan (tie)
3. Ohio State
4. Florida
5. California
6. Auburn
7. Rutgers
8. Notre Dame
9. Louisville
10. Arkansas
11. Tennessee
12. Boise State
13. Texas
14. West Virginia
15. Clemson
16. Boston College (tie)
16. Wisconsin (tie)
18. Washington State
19. Missouri
20. LSU

That wasn't so hard, was it? Unwaveringly accurate in all it's....wait a minute. Rutgers is 7th? I mean, I suppose their undefeated nature and not entirely downy soft (yet still pretty fluffy) schedule is giving them some love, especially from Anderson&Hester and Peter Wolfe putting them in their top 5/6. Texas is 13th because we all know how much the machines hate Sam Houston State, and the rest of the rankings pretty much reflect the belief in the awe-inspiring power of opponent's opponent's records.

Overall, there are a few minor nits, (Cal/Tenn, the SEC and Big East paradoxes) that may look confusing to you fleshy types, but is any of this all that unbelievable? If any team in the top 10 runs the table, they have a legitimate shot at the title game. The top 4 teams go without saying, California would have to go through LA, Rutgers and Louisville would have to get past both WVU and each other, going undefeated, Notre Dame would also have to beat Southern Cal, and Arkansas has get through LSU, Tennessee, and likely Florida in the SEC title game. Phew, that was a lot. Is it getting hot in here?

This leaves us with Auburn, who is probably the most out of place. Logically, they cannot pass Arkansas for the SEC West, locking them out of the title game unless the Hogs stumble. This would leave either likely 1-loss SEC champion with a better resume than the Tigers. Arkansas would have wins over Auburn, Tennessee, LSU, and Florida while the Gators would have Tennessee, LSU, and Arkansas. While Auburn has the one-loss tie-breaker over the Gators, it could not overcome Florida having 12 wins against, by then, a top 5 SOS. Ole Miss, Georgia, Arkansas State, and Alabama aren't going to be enough to polish the Tigers' resume.

Of course, thanks to the fiendish machinations of Broderick's Wheel of Death, the humans and their error-prone ways will likely throw an ugly monkey wrench into our emotionless clockwork. As it stands now, teams get credit for playing tough schedules, and teams that don't get left behind. Burnt Orange Nation has an excellent breakdown of the pitfalls of their softer schedule.So, let the teams slug it out, I'm sure that my fellow cyborgs and I can sort this whole mess out for you squishy types. If not, I propose the implication of Robot Jox.

Johnny 5 is FireMarkMay's IT consultant. He's currently running Linux and the Colley Matrix.

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Updated: Monday, October 23, 2006

On the 7th day, they over-analyzed

Let me get this straight, Notre Dame. I do all that I can for these hard-working student-athletes of yours, and all you people can do is complain about it? I oversaw one of the most dramatic comebacks in your short history, and all I see on these message boards is how disappointed everyone is. What the heck is going on down there? You know, I normally don't get involved in these kinds of things, but you know Mom, she just can't stop going on and on about how much she likes this Charlie Weis fellow. I mean, just the other day, I was minding my own business when she gives me a ring and says, "Hey, what's the deal with the monsoon out there in East Lansing? It's kind of gumming up the works for the Irish." I tried to tell her to let me work in my mysterious ways, but she would have no part of it. Long story short, well, you all know what happens, and now I've got that John L. Smith guy speaking in tongues.

Back to this UCLA business, I mean, come on! The headline says it all "Miracle Drive Lifts Irish." For the love of Me, it's not everyday I spell it out for you. Three plays, eighty yards, and that Samardsjawicka kid is in the pool in under a minute. I get on My favorite message boards to see how everyone was enjoying themselves, and what the heck do I find? It's not enough! Sure, the win was great and all, but now I've got everyone worried that the team is flat, the offensive line is soft, the defense can't get a decent pass rush, the crowd wasn't loud enough. I mean, don't get me wrong, the lines were working overtime up here during the end of that one, and We got Our fair share of thank-yous, but a good number of you kept asking for crazy things long after the final whistle. My patience is running thin on some of these requests. At Basilica mass alone, I got fifteen calls for a commit from some 17-year-old linebacker prospect I've never heard of. Seriously, people, you know I haven't been the vengeful type in nigh 6,000 years, but I may just have to rain some toads on the next armchair rider that ends his prayers with "I just want a bowl win."

I know, I know, the vast majority of you folks have got perfectly good heads on your shoulders, and this one was for you. Some of you actually believe that drive was proof of My existence, and to that I say, hey, what ever works, you know? It's just these internet types that keep asking for some grease. Yes, I am well aware of the shortcomings of mom's favorite team. She tells me about them everyday. I've got Knute and Frank up here for gamewatches once a week, and the three of them go through about 2 Entemann's a piece kvetching about how they would run the team. But you know what? I can deal with Rockne putting in his two cents about the forward pass, he freaking invented it, but the rest of these guys are hand-wringing about Brady's Heisman chances or lamenting over why the team can't develop a potent rushing attack.

This team of yours wandered in the desert for nigh on eight years, suffering some of the most embarrassing losses since Joe Kuharich (don't think the guys aren't giving him heck over that up here) and now that there's some light at the end of the tunnel, that patience business I had Junior preaching down there seems to have gone right out the window. Do I need to remind everyone of the depth chart? Mom had me pulling every string I had and it still couldn't get a lineman to commit for you guys. What can I say, today's modern recruit doesn't respond well to biblical dream imagery. Back in Paul Hornung's day, all I had to do was rock a few allegories, and the kids would sign the next day. Now? Forget about it. If a week goes by without some five-star sounding off on the virtues of Weis, the switchboard lights up asking for some shutdown corner with good hip swivels. There's a lot wrong with that. I don't know where to start.

Before I check out of here, I just want to pass on the message from my boy. Everyone, just cool out. I know He has some long hair and a bunch of crazy ideas, but you might want to listen to this one. Know that everything is in good hands, and enjoy the good times for what they are. As for the rest of the business, you know were looking out for you all, Mom wouldn't have it any other way. But if I have to take my own name in vain on this one, I will. Knock off all the teeth-gnashing, or I'm going to have to get Old Testament on some of yous.


Week 8 Rundown

AWWWW HORSEHOCKEY! I have failed to properly smite the non-believers with the word of Me this week. No excuses....ok plenty of excuses. I need to tell the Germans something to get them off of my back, so let's just get this scoreboard out of the way.

Week 8 Totals-
SU: 6-4
ATS: 4-6

SU: 51-18
ATS: 39-28-1

A lame .570 record ATS. It is what it is, folks, and I aims to fix it. Hammertime, break it down, now.

West Virginia 37-Connecticut 11
A game never in doubt from the get go. Ok, maybe the spread was going to get a little interesting, but by halftime, everything went to plan as predicted. The Big East standoff continues, as West Virginia gets through another tuneup. Despite the score, the Huskies are looking like an actual football team, and good for them.

Wisconsin 24-Purdue 3
Wisconsin could actually get a share of the Big Ten title, as I don't see how Illinois, Zombie State, and Iowa can get anything past these guys. Of course, the Badgers miss Ohio State this year, creating the traditional split-Ten championship. If I recall the tie-breakers in this situation are: 1. Number of "winged helmets" 2. Athletic Dept. budget and then 3. lowest football graduation rate. Not good for Wisky, but always good for teams that love to lose the Rose Bowl.

Texas 22-Nebraska 20
Man, I was THIS close to going on a Lincoln-sized bender. THIS CLOSE. A noble effort by the Huskers and a thorough eye-opener for Texas if you ask me. I can't wait for the inevitable Big XII title game. Maybe Nebraska can return the favor and knock the 'Horns out of the picture. A great game enjoyed by all, but mainly Texas fans and my liver.

Michigan 20-Iowa 6
The honorary "Duh." game of the week. Iowa, demoralized in their Indiana trap game, go into a frothing Big House to get pwned by the Michigan front seven. Game. Set. Match. Cover. ESPN is already showing highlights of the Michigan/Ohio State game. I don't want to know how they managed to do this. Maybe its just fawning practice for the Gameday guys.

Tennessee 16-Alabama 13
Take the points in an SEC rivalry. Take the points in an SEC rivalry. TAKE THE POINTS! My hubris failed, and apparently so did Coach Cutliffe's. Alabama, a week separated from making the Orgeron's O look respectable, put the clamps on the Vols in Neyland, so high-fives for that. This doesn't unthreaten my legs from the German sports bookies.

Boston College 24-Florida State 19
I still refure to believe this happened, although I should have seen it coming. I've hung around the kid long enough to know that Boston College loves it when you bring out the gimmick jerseys against them. It feeds right into their "no one gives us any respect so people changing stuff for us really pisses us off" mentality. Florida State's "Blackout" uniforms, while opening the door to truckloads of unprintable comedy, look kind of cool. Too bad they weren't in vogue say....ten years ago? Florida State, fast becoming a team relying on such tricks to get up for games.

Rutgers 20-Pittsburgh 10
Holy Schnikes, Rutgers. Way to remind me to never bet on the Wannstache under ANY circumstances. It's all just a head fake, a hypnotizing from his permanently stunted half-stache. Stare into it's wonderous bristles and be amazed! The West Virginia and Louisville matchups keep getting more and more inriguing. I have to think the underrated undefeated can take on at least one of the overrated undefeateds.

Clemson 31-Georgia Tech 7
Georgia Tech, welcome back. We missed you so much. This game single-handedly stopped their ACC hype, established Clemson as the team to beat (CLEMSON?!?), and relegated Calvin Johnson to the Larry Johnson Memorial pity chair at the Heisman ceremony. Reggie Ball loses the coin flip and goes 12-25 with at least 7 of those misses having Chan Gailey listed as the intended receiver. A complete expose in all phases of the game and Brock Spack points for coordinator-du-jour Tenuta.

LSU 38-Fresno State 6
A hook, a simple hook, keeps me from going .500 this week. LSU, Fresno was the team you thought they were! And you let them off the hook! Since when were the Tigers merciful? Stupid, stupid hook. I wanted a snuff film, and all I got was a lame Japanese ripoff flick.

Notre Dame 20-UCLA 17
This game is exactly why our editor does not gamble on his Irish. Quite possibly one of the most phenomenal ND finishes in quite some time, maybe even ever, and it could have been even the slightest bit sullied by the fact that it was a losing bet. I understand where he's coming from on this. He's still a proper sissy, but we'll let this one slide. I won't say much more about this game that hasn't already been hyperboled one way or the other, but I will mention that ND's line play is looking very, very average and that UCLA's defense may be more than just some twisted stats.

Ok, I'm hearing some crazy noises coming from the kid's office. There is definitely something afoot. I hope he's distracting my many creditors.

Trev Alberts has several unmarked Swiss bank accounts. His bookies may not recognize their neutrality.

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Pardon Our Dust

Hi there, everyone. Please pardon our dust as we tidy up after a fantastically ridiculous weekend. The kid left the office on Friday promising to hunker down and start pumping out content for all of our new readers come Monday...and then he showed up from South Bend with a flask of Jack Daniels and ran out to the soccer match. I don't think Trev is the best influence on him, but, man-oh-man does this office environment rock!

We've got the Germans calling non-stop since Saturday nacht and our editor's office is buzzing with activity. I'm sure we'll catch up with everyone in a bit.

In the meantime, here's some light distraction from my workstation. I like to go over some game film between games of Minesweeper.



Updated: Friday, October 20, 2006

Week 8 Trevonics

What exciting times here at the compound. The site got its first mention over at Deadspin, and the servers literally caught fire. It was freaking awesome. Nothing lke watching a little whatsit like Bloo trying to put himself out or seeing the interns re-graft a muppet. Simply a sight to behold. The hits just keep on coming, and the Gospel of Trev has spread to several of the new-fangled web-ranking dealies. I don't know what this means, so I'll just read the statement the kid prepared for me. Ahem.

"Loyal readers, please feel free to pimp and or distribute our own brand of Trev-tastic commentary at portals such as digg, armchairGM, and reddit. Note: Did you eat all of the cereal?"

Concise and to the point, our editor is, and yes, I did eat all of the Cookie Crisp. On to the scoreboard while I still have my sugar high.

SU: 45-14
ATS: 35-22-1

While not flashy like the Footballpocalypse, this week is sure to have its share of underrated "wow, this game turned out to be really good" type moments.

West Viginia (-23) at Connecticut 800et (ESPN)
Starting with Friday night, we all want this to be one of those epic "Who the hell is UCONN?" games, but that lofty ideal should be shattered to pieces by the second half when West Virginia decides to start playing. UCONN gave up over 400 rushing yards to Navy this year, and while that's not a knock on the Middies, I read somewhere that WVU has a good running game. 23 is still a lot of points, but I'm not going to split the pick, just because I want to thoroughly enjoy the clinic that will be this game
Trev's pick: West Virginia

Wisconsin (-6.5) at Purdue 1200et (ESPN)
Wisconsin, you are getting zero respect right now. None. Apparently, Purdue is still some kind of offensive juggernaut. You don't get points for every manufactured tradition, Boilermakers. Take out the +4 they're likely getting for that ginormous drum of theirs, +3 for the home field, -2 for the day game, and tack on another +3 for the fact that the Badgers don't take any guff from this "basketball on grass" business, and you've got....Wisconsin (-14.5). Wisky by two scores, but I'll only be giving you one.
Trev's pick: Wisconsin

Nebraska (+5) vs. Texas 1200et (ABC)
I'm having the kid gas up the cropduster right now. They are going to find me naked in a cornfield after this one. WOOOO! GO HUSKERS! Seriously, Texas is just not impressing me. Maybe I'm biased, maybe I think they haven't really played anyone, maybe I'm on my fifth glass of Wild Turkey this morning, but I think Nebraska has a shot at this. I wagered a snifter of port with Broderick West Quinnsington IV that my side would win handily. Big Red all the way.
Trev's pick: Nebraska

Michigan (-13) vs Iowa 330et (ABC)
Iowa, you magnificent bastards! I had you as my defacto Big Ten dark horse, and then you proceed to play noodle-scratchingly average against both Syracuse and Indiana. Maybe you were looking forward to Michigan, but I'm not buying it for one second. No sir...I only cling my naivete to one Big Ten underacheiver, and that's the Spartans. The soon-to-be-mythic Michigan front 7 is going to make Drew Tate look like Anthony Morelli, and I don't mean that in a positive way.
Trev's pick: Michigan

Tennessee (-11) vs. Alabama 330et (CBS)
Some would say that this game is huge, a real rivalry for the ages, and that its breakdown should be exhausting. Those people are not reading this unless they have wifi in their RVs while camping out in Knoxville for the past 5 days. Simply put, Cutliffe > Orgeron as offense reaches yes. This should not be pretty in any sense.
Trev's pick: Tennessee

Florida State (-6.5) vs. Boston College 330et (ABC)
I refuse to believe that Boston College is good, and I refuse to believe that Florida State is not. All of those years in the professional punditry business have caused my pick for this game to be damn near reflex for me. I'm hard-wired to believe that the Eagles will have any shot in this game. Sorry, it's just the way I am. Boston College defeating an anemically Mexico-less VaTech offense isn't going to do the trick. Besides, shouldn't the Seminoles be beginning their backslide into the ACC title game by now?
Trev's pick: Florida State

Pittsburgh (-6.5) vs. Rutgers 545et (ESPN2)
The return of Tyler F-ing Palko! While Rutgers has become the staff's favorite scrappy team of this season, this is going to be a tough game for them. The Panthers offense is looking positively electric, despite being coached by the Wannstache, and I wouldn't be surprised if they played a hand in the pending Big East mutual meltdown.
Trev's pick: Pittsburgh

Georgia Tech (+7.5) at Clemson 745et (ESPN)
Ever since the Irish season opener, the kid has been watching this team like a freaking hawk. He's still in shock over the tenacious D flying around for Georgia Tech. The buzz...sorry I had to...surrounding Coach Tenuta and what he's doing down there is unavoidable. Going into Clemson's Death Valley against the high-powered Tiger offense is the latest test in whether this big-name coordinator is the next Buddy Ryan or the next Brock Spack. I think the Jackets keep this one close, if not win outright. Coin flip time: it's Heads. Reggie Ball completes 51% of his passes, Tech can take them. Either way, the winner of this game deserves some love in the rankings.
Trev's pick: Georgia Tech

LSU (-32.5) vs. Fresno State 900et (ESPN)
HUH? They play night games at LSU? When did this start? I'm obviously joking, but come on. Fresno State is struggling this year, and in a day game they might have a chance to mop the floor with the Tigers, "mop the floor" in this instance meaning "score point on." This is going to be a snuff film. I don't want to make any "Deliverance" jokes or anything like that, but there are going to be a lot of rowdy Cajuns Saturday night...this could get ugly fast.
Trev's pick: LSU

Notre Dame (-13) vs. UCLA 230et (NBC)
Finally, we rewind it back to the afternoon's matchup of Notre Dame and UCLA. Our editor has slept awfully well this week, even though it turns out UCLA QB Patrick Cowan is OK, and seemed to be preparing for a nice quiet Saturday in South Bend. Maybe he'll go to Home Depot, I could use one of those cool orange hats. To the contrary, the kid has been resting up for what is turing out to be Blogger-Con '06 Part II: The Bloodening. Repeating the revelry of Atlanta, Jay from BGS, Brian from House Rock Built, the elusive Stranko and Orson from EDSBS, will be seen roaming the Catholic Disneyland boulevards searching for dance floors and drinking games alike. Getting back to the game, This feels like two scores any way you slice it, so I'm glad its only 13.
Trev's pick: UCLA

Trev Alberts is a certified drinking game official. He has no tolerance for calling any contest "Flippy Cup."

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Updated: Thursday, October 19, 2006

Chaos shall rule the day!

Everything is going as planned! My dastardly ways have brought the Wheel of Death one step closer to fruition. I've just returned from a fortnight's journey from Auburn, Alabama, where I pumped in excruciatingly high levels of '80s "Jocular Rock" from the lofty confines of my zeppelin fortress!

Take that, you reptillian currs!

Success! Florida fell victim to my schemes in fantastic fashion! None are safe from the twisted tomfoolery of I, Broderick West Quinnsington the Fourth! BWAH-HAHAHAHAHA! NYAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAH! I am half-way to full success!


Phase 7: Auburn defeats Florida-COMPLETED!

*and now a brief re-shuffling of my madness! No Thursday Night games can stop me!*

Phase 8: Iowa defeats Michigan-PENDING
Phase 9: Louisville defeats West Virginia-PENDING
Phase 10: Nebraska defeats Missouri-PENDING
Phase 11: Rutgers defeats Louisville-PENDING
Phase 12: Michigan defeats Ohio State-PENDING
Phase 13: Notre Dame defeats USC-PENDING
Phase 14: Nebraska defeats Texas-PENDING

It's all quite simple, you see. The Wheel of Death shall destroy your precious football systems with its brilliance and elegance. I, with my superior intellect, will oversee the demise of your intricate BCS system, claiming all of the riches for myself! BWAH-HAHAHAHA! NYAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Broderick West Quinnsington IV is a slimy scalawag. He once pilfered Dawn Pathorpe, the lady show jumper.


Updated: Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Refs, RSS, fires, and feeds

Well. That was an interesting day. After a well-placed link on EDSBS.com, the site received some outrageous traffic yesterday. Glenn Phelps' scathing referree commentary has been finding its way to the various throughways and messageways across the interweb. Ironcially, out of all of the message board discussion Glenn caused on various forums, only Michigan's fanbase felt reassured. Odd. The Michigan/Penn State feuding almost caused a system overload all by itself, and we got almost 5,000 hits yesterday. I think it's safe to say that it was a single day record.

In related news, the influx in traffic caused our relatively low-end servers to catch fire. I've got Bloo and the Muppet Newscaster on fire patrol at the moment, and that's probably not the best of ideas given their normally flammable nature. I'm sending the interns out to the local Best Buy for spare parts and the corner Walgreens for some burn ointment.

In the meantime, a quick note on RSS:

-FireMarkMay's RSS feed, for those of you who are into that sort of thing, can be bookmarked from the address bar (Firefox users) or copied from the link (Atom RSS):


I'll add the Atom link to the sidebar along with the newest member of the Trevolution, CornNation.com, yet another member of SportsBlogNation in the fold.




Updated: Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Week 7 Rundown

Sorry for the holdup on this week's rundown, everyone. The kid was holed up in his office for no less than 24 hours preparing for his beloved professional football Bears' appearance on the Monday Night Football. A lot of loud cursing and general swearing was heard for roughly 3 hours last night, and this morning, all of us awoke to this lovely wallpaper on the staff computers.

Our editor is a petty, petty man. That's still a sweet hit, though.

Fair play to the Chicago Bears for letting the Cardinals steal defeat from the primetime jaws of victory, and 'Kudos' to all of my friends at the Worldwide Leader for publicly admitting their unrequited man-love for Matt Leinart. The broadcasted "servicing" of their newest crossover celebrity was even captured by the closed captioning, but enough of these working stiffs and back to the scoreboard...

Week 7 Results-
SU: 6-5
ATS: 7-4

SU: 45-14
ATS: 35-22-1

Simply slogging through this week, Trevonics fought the good fight and managed to stay respectable in the face of 11 games of top 25 action.

Indiana 31-Iowa 28
The morning started off with a delightful surprise as the hopes and dreams of many a fan across this great land were shattered in a sea of Indiana football Jerseys...yes they make those. I'm pretty sure this concludes this year's episode of "Iowa Hawkeyes: When Dark Horses go Bad." The trendy pick once again goes south, making fools of pollsters and pundits alike while pretty much cementing the fact that Michigan/tOSU will cause some kind of biblical catastrophe. Michigan could still keep the "cursed #2" mojo going next week, but not if Iowa plays like this.

Wisconsin 48-Minnesota 12
This was as predictable as the smooth refreshing taste of an ice-cold Pabst Blue Ribbon. That's not sarcasm, that's the fact. Like a frosty PBR, Wisconsin's play this year has been a hardy, blue-collar treat that is surprisingly good. The Badgers handily defeated their non-descript Big Ten neighbors to the north on their way to a very respectable 9 to 10 win season. Overall, some relatively harmless morning football.

Rutgers 34-Navy 0
No disrespect to the Scarlet Knights, but it is really unfortunate for Navy to lose QB Brian Hampton. When you run a wonderfully thrownback offense like the Middies do, you run this risk. Not to trivialize this horrible injury, but we've played enough service academy dynasties to empathize with how much impact these kinds of things have on a program. More than your more modern offenses, the wishbone/wing-T/power-I game runs almost 100% through a guy like Hampton, and he will be missed. Getting back to Rutgers, they definitely look like a serious Big East spoiler.

Texas A&M 25-Missouri 19
The hate for Coach Fran branches out into yet another state. Missouri downgrades its postseason status from "late-December blowout victim" to "early-December 'I forgot they were kind of good' pool selection." I like how this looks for my boys in Lincoln. I'm just crossing my fingers that they can beat Texas once.

Oregon 30-UCLA 20
Oregon is the new Cal! Free Money! And other exclamatory remarks! UCLA made me nervous at the end, but I have to say that I should have never doubted the calming power of Coach Karl. The kid has started his media silence regarding the Bruins, and the Ducks barrel towards their date with the Trojans.

Ohio State 38-Michigan State 7
COME ON! Well, it's finally official, the Michigan State collapse is complete. They looked absolutely horrid and were pantsed by the Buckeyes. Nothing like a humiliating beatdown to turn your season around. John L Smith deathwatches are on, but I so wanted to see them make the switch during a December bowl game. I feel that it would have brought proper closure to the situation. The unnecessary Spartan statement game has been moved to...Indiana? Penn State? I have zero clue on this. As for THE Ohio State, they are playing a different freaking sport.

Texas 63-Baylor 31
This one was forgettable on Friday night, but if there's any take away from this, its Baylor putting up 31 on Texas in not-completely-garbage time.

Michigan 17-Penn State 10
DAMN ZOMBIES! I had this one pegged as a 2005 Ohio State type melee, and it had all of the makings of one too. Unfortunately, Penn State couldn't keep the momentum rolling against the Michigan front 7, and the Nittany Lions even JUST miss the cover with the early missed FG. This is a game that Michigan could have easily lost in a tough road environment, not unlike tOSU at home against Penn State before the late INTs. Penn State is cobbling together a respectable year, and they have plenty of talent, but hats off to the Michigan coaching staff for winning a game that good teams should win. (I think I'm going to call in your bar tab now, Trev...-IO)

Southern Cal 28-Arizona State 21
Arizona State, the prodigal son returns. I always knew you had it in you, you innocent little PAC-10 scamps, you. The Sun Devils get the nice cover as USC continues their rope-a-dope schedule (that has to be what this is, right?) while PAC-10 coaches line up to hand them games at the last second. The internet rumblings of a vast West Coast conspiracy to keep the Trojans undefeated are stating to make more sense than they should. Meanwhile, our editor just keeps buying more supplies for his trip to LA.

Boise State 40-New Mexico 28
This game has to be proof in the argument that college sports point-spreads can never be 100% accurate because there are just too many games. Some of them have to slip through the cracks, and you have to think this was one of them. Boise State, while perfectly playing their role as this year's mid-major goliath, was spotting 28 points to the seemingly lowly Lobos. 28 points is still a lot of points, in a conference that loves its scoring, and under clock rules that make the game as long as a CBS movie-of-the-week. Combine this with spoilage opportunities, and New Mexico is going to try to play keep away from the "explosive" Broncos.

Auburn 27-Florida 17
Ending the night was the SEC heavyweight fight on ESPN Full Circle, Don King PPV, and the inaugural Trev-o-vision. The game did not disappoint in its ridiculous ways to tally up the score in an SEC game. I think the conference has a by-law stating that the score should be a non-football number at at least one point in every game. The scores on this one were 10-5, 10-8, and 17-11 at some point. In the end, Auburn won as foreseen in Revelations, and the referee bashing proceeded as it does after every big-time matchup.

Trev Alberts is the sole proprietor of Trevonics, Inc. He is not currently accepting franchise bids.

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Updated: Sunday, October 15, 2006

I hate your favorite team

Let's set the record straight. I don't like your team. I've never liked your team. I clearly graduated, if you can call it that, from your in-state rival institution of higher learning. The academic curriculum there was not as challenging as it was at your alma mater, and I got wasted every night. I don't think I ever saw the inside of a classroom during my entire 7-year stay. All of my fellow alumnus are scum-suckingly inferior human beings with obvious unsavory hereditary traits, and we celebrate it with great aplomb just because we know it grinds your gears. We hate you as much as you hate us, and guess what? That is exactly why I chose to be a football referee, for the sole purpose of sticking it to your favorite team at every possible opportunity, consistently and thoroughly.

I could have been a police officer, a security guard, a barroom bouncer, or even that guy at Blockbuster who forgets to scan in your videos on-time, but I decided that the best way to abuse my authority in order to drive you and your fanbase bat-scat crazy would be to worm my way into the intricate workings of our beloved football. Now that I'm on the inside, no one can possibly stop me from throwing my yellow handkerchiefs willy-nilly at the expense of the hopes and dreams of your seemingly ill-fated football program. You think replay can stop me? I AM REPLAY! What do you think of that? I've got all of my inbred buddies up there in that booth. We're going to go drinking right after this game, and you know what? We're definitely going to be toasting to how lucky we are to screw your favorite team on a regular basis! I mean, we all fell ass-over-tea-kettle backwards into this position of ridiculous power, and now we can do what we've always wanted to: apply unnecessary screwjobs to your team at every possible crucial juncture. I hope I've given you an ulcer!

Oh that? You don't think that was holding just now? Guess what? There's holding on every play, I admit it, but you know, nothing helps me get it up right before a big game more than the thought that I'm only going to be calling holding against your favorite team for the next 60 minutes of seemingly incorruptible football. You don't like it? Well now this is going to happen. False Start, on the offense, number...I don't care, I'll just pick one. The big guy over there. Yeah, 74 definitely moved before the snap. I totally saw that. How about one more? It looks like a pivotal 3rd and short in the redzone...I think I'll call a futile Illegal Shift right about here. You know what the funny thing is about those? I don't think illegal shift is really in the official rulebook! The rules committee doesn't even teach that to us anymore, and when they try to bring it up, its interpretation is shoddy at best. I just want to really lay the woodwork to your favorite team.

Try to pass in this environment, you insignificant clods. I don't care if your quarterback is John freaking Elway, there's no way he's getting the benefit of the doubt from me. No way in hell. I am going to let the opposing secondary commit voluntary manslaughter on his receivers. That's what he gets for being Mr. Perfect fancy-lad QB on my watch! I absolutely hate him, but not as much as I hate your favorite team. I can stop their precious offense at will, man. At. will. It's going to be a long afternoon because I know exactly how to mess with your head. Your team will be stringing a few good plays together while I try to make everything look nice and legit and then WHAM! I'll bring that holding flag back out at the WORST possible time! I don't even have to be watching the play half the time. Lord knows I've got my linesman buddies ready to short change your boys on every single spot. Oh yeah, you forgot about that didn't you? That's probably my favorite part, chipping away your vicarious joys inch by motherf!#$!$ing inch. Death by a thousand paper cuts. So much hate.

You may think I'll never get away with this, but let me remind you of a very important fact. Your favorite team draws absolutely zero water with my conference, sir. While we let on the appearance that we play favorites with certain teams around here, and we certainly do, I can guaran-damn-tee you that your favorite team is not pulling our strings. Your favorite team is getting the shaft at every possible opportunity, from the top on down, and every last one of us enjoys every single minute of it. If we had our way, you wouldn't be even playing football right now, but we like taking your money. It only helps us further increase our deathlock on your football fortunes. There is no possible way you're getting the best of us, but there's no way we'll ever openly admit it.

In summation, I hate your favorite team. I hate they way they look, I hate the way they play, and I hate everyone mentally deficient enough to value their stake in this sporting match. This hatred is not born of jealousy or even malice. This is simply who I am, and there is no way around it. As long as there is a black heart beating in this hollow soul of mine, I will spend every breath making sure that these little yellow flags of mine get in the way of the success of your team. Mark my freaking words.


Sunday Morning Re-cap

Well, that was an interesting night to say the least. I'm going over the ramblings and goings-on of our first try at the Trev-o-vision and hoping to make some kind of sense out of all of it. Mr. Alberts said he wanted to keep his writing in their "undistilled pure Trev potency," but he's asleep on his desk right now.

Links to last night's UF/AU live blog:

While I take a look at how much we owe the Germans from this week's Trevonics, feel free to check out his picks in hindsight here.

I think I have some commissioned pieces lying around here for the post-Saturday pre-poll Sunday doldrums, but I have to clean up the office first. There are lots of fallen pumpkin-beer soldiers lying around.




Updated: Saturday, October 14, 2006

UF/AU: Trev-o-vision 4th Quarter

I think this one's coming down to a crazy final play, but who knows? There's the definite possiblilty that we get a mini-Tenn/UGA ending to put this away real fast, but I highly doubt it. The beer continues to flow like wine. We've got uninteresting action in the Michigan and USC games, and I still freaking hate ASU.

14:22-I think this game is entirely under the new running clock rules. It's going by so fast. Maybe it's all the pumpkin ale we've been imbibing. Seriously, kid, wtf? Illegal shift on the Tigers. Yes, they still call that.

11:27-Auburn. I thought you could tackle! That's like, your thing, right? Again, nothing against Florida, but the Germans are going to break my legs on this. I need another beverage.

9:24-OH NO! Chris Leak has pulled his Chris Thomas moment of the game and fumbled the ball on Auburn's doorstep. The Tigers, like EVERY OTHER TEAM, fails to understand that they should get the next play off as fast as possible....and now it's time for the replay. The staff celebrates with a waterfall.

Replay illustrates that Leak pump-faked poorly. Fumble-laya. Fumble-rooski. Auburn ball.


7:17-The degenerate gamblers are voicing their concerns over ESPN showing the least attractive of the Auburn cheerleaders. Nothing againt the beautiful young woman, but share the spotlight.

5:14-The Tigers fail to do what USC did in the title game, and RUN THE BALL convincingly on 4th and 1. Upon further review, Auburn was -2 going into this...dang it. Trevonics needs this. On a related note: ASU! Pick six into my heart! 21-up out on the left coast. [NINJA EDIT:Upon further review, the Germas let us lay Auburn +2]

3:10-Auburn misses the FG, causing gamblers everywhere to go ballistic. I know this is the interweb, but I can't even begin to say what was said in the office when that went wide left. I think everyone is aware of the spirit of the message.

2:54-Chris Leak throws a Chris Thomas pick and Auburn decides to sit on it. What could have been housed is only driving the financial types crazy. They pray for the miraculous field goal cover, thanking their lucky stars for the liquidity of Tradesports.com.

1:13-The FG is in sight, and the gamblers are thanking their lucky stars. Let's see if Tuberville gets unneccssarily ballsy...FG is good, 21-17 Tigers.

:31-Intrigue enters the the game as the point spread rears its ugly head. The claws are out in the office, and it's like Planet of the Apes...but with booze...and gambling.

:05/end?-Is Florida shooting for the hook and freaking ladder on this one? Wow. In other news, Penn State needs a miracle and ASU is making it interesting. Auburn pick 6 for the end...and you've got yourself an over....27-17 Tigers. SEC, root for the team with more losses. Stone.

Thanks everyone for stopping by the inagural instance of the Trev-O-vision. Tonight's successful run can only be celebrated in the traditional FireMarkMay fashion...karaoke bar! Drive Safely everyone.



UF/AU: Trev-o-vision 3rd Quarter

Now we're into the third quarter after some good old-fashioned halftime imbibing. This could get ugly fast. Urban has been doing plenty of the pointing.

12:35-Sorry to get back late, but we were mezmorized by the zombie nation. 10-3 Meeechigan over on that one. Florida is marching back down the field with their patented "broken play" action. REALLY?!?!

10:51-Auburn takes what we believe to be a deflected rugby punt into the pool for 7. We got ourselves a football match. 18-17 Tigers.

10:44-The Auburn "yell leader" is using a microphone? Is that allowed? What, is he cutting some kind of WWE promo? Florida is resuming their plan of gaining positive yardage on every play, even the ones that don't work.

9:20-Jordan-Hare Stadium is currently the fifth largest city in Alabama. Just thought the three of you would like to know. Florida is punting yet again. Much loudness. Uh oh.

5:40-This game is going hella fast. For a 1 point SEC showdown, the staff is more entertained by YouTube pogo stick videos. Tuberville actually punts on 4th and 2 at the Florida 40. Touchback, Gator ball.

3:08-Tebow in the game. I wonder if he's running? OH MY GOSH HE IS!!11!!!1! He is teh best evah. ESPN puts up the graphics, and he's 6-32 run:pass. Shocker.

:38/end of quarter-Winding down a quarter that basically had a running clock, Auburn insists on relying solely on YAC in 3rd down situations. ESPN is blaring the Friday Night Lights music, and the interns are more interested in watching YouTubers "ghostride the whip" All is going as planned.

On to the thrilling conclusion.



UF/AU: Trev-o-vision 2nd Quarter

And we're back. An internet how-do to our 3 readers right now, including the gentlemen from Coro, Falcon....wherever the hell that is. Kid, get me some reference on where the hell that is, and it better not be France.

14:17-Ridiculous circus catch that has the staff agape by its ridonkulosity. The Gator offense celebrates its "raging clue" in the endzone, and we've got 10-3 Florida.

This Michigan-Penn State game is blinding in the HiDef...so much white. No notion of Zombie Nation yet. Checking ESPN.com...ASU is already on it's way to disappointing the hell out of me...again.

14:01-HOUSE! HOUSE!!! COME ON! Auburn takes the kick into Florida territory...and Cox has immediately become intimate with the Florida pass rush.

13:19-Brian from HRB: "Can we go switch to Colin Cowherd fellating Urban Meyer?"

11:49-Brandon Cox may be carrying the Florida D-line's babies by the time this one's over. If you have any questions, we can send you a pamphlet.

10:39-Let's look at the tape on this...yep, Auburn fumbles on the Florida 7. That sucks. The safety dance is being queued up...and they've called holding in the endzone!!!! You can dance if you want to, you can leave your friends behind... I am so glad we hired that midget last week. 10-5 Florida.

10:14-Urban Meyer drinking game: Drink when he points, whether in anger or approval or just in general. Please drink responsibly. Don't drink and drive. For more drinking rule fun, Holly Rowe=drink. Anyone sarcastically referring the lovely and talented sideline reporter as attractive must finish their drink.

8:40-I, for one, cannot wait for the Madden version of video Kenny Irons.

6:37-Auburn is in the redzone, and the follwing play calls have been suggested by the room: 1. Draw 2. BEHOLD THE SLANT 3. Jailbreak Screen 4. give the ball to Irons.

5:07-At the rate this game is going, how are any of us going to manage to get our proper drink on? In other news, Brandon Cox is throughly frightened of being butt-pwned....Auburn settles for 3. 10-8 Gators.

4:58-Can we get an ESPN "Primetime Pulse" channel? I think I would pay at least $2 for this.

4:16-REALLY?!?! Percy Harvin? REALLY!?!? The boy is teflon. That was a broken play for a loss of 3, but now the Gators are on the Tiger 20. First play from scrimmage, the Tim Tebow show. Oh, he's running? Even I know he's running! COME ON! Too easy for the Gators as Timmy walks in for the score. 17-8 Florida.

God bless Tivo! Miami (FL) gets in an all-out melee with Florida International. Un-freaking-believable. We've got an FIU player kicking a Hurricane lineman in the helmet, like that would do anything, and we've got it in glorious slo-mo. Way to keep it real, Miami.

1:25-Auburn in the redzone again. Time to pull out the "hesitant Cox" playbook.

1:05-The interns are calling for Tuberville's head. Cox should be doing 3 step drops and beholding the slant. Auburn lines up for yet another field goal, 17-11 Florida. Wow. No disrespect to the Florida front 7. They are in that QB's head.

End of half-Florida doesn't even have to take the knee, and we're in for the half at 17-11. Flipping over to the Michigan game, only the soothing maltiness of the hops and barley can dull the blinding glow of those yellow (sorry...maize) hot pants. Oh, Musberger and Davie on the game too? That's just super.

See you all in the third. I need to go reload.



UF/AU: Trev-o-vision 1st Quarter

Ok, everyone. You've got your 2000 ESPN channels, and 1 internet tube for Trevian brand excellence. I've got the kid coralling the staff in the main media room, and we've got a steady stream of beer, pizza, cider, and booze planned for the next few hours. Our editor will be making sure everything runs smoothly while I make sure that he doesn't have the seizure.

Kickoff: Jordan-Hare is out for blood. The staff and I are in agreeance, Tigers take this. In other news, the legal department has secluded itself until the conclusion of the ALCS on Fox. Hopefully, Bloo won't be charged with minor in possession for at least an hour.

13:02-Our more gambling prone interns are riding Kenny Irons like a rented mule on Tradesports. Auburn seems ready to enforce some will.

11:30-THE TIGERS WIN THE ALCS! Free affadavits for all! Now, back to the drinking and the football.

11:00-Auburn driving, face mask in Florida territory, lining up for the score. Urban Meyer is not pleased. I'm waiting for some points before I open my tab.

9:34-Executing against quote "this farce of a Florida team" unquote, Tiger fans are at 100% shaker-pompom saturation. Sorry. Still lame.

9:00-The gamblers are rooting for a field goal so they can buy in on Auburn on the cheap. It all sounds very exciting. They've turned the TV room into their own private trading pit.

It's great how we can mock the kid for being a total geek for liveblogging all of this. It's the best of both worlds. I've noticed we've got 10 readers right now, including someone in France. I have no idea how that happened.

Field goal AU. 3-0 Tigers. Let's get the drinks flowing while we wait for unintentional commercial comedy to appear.

8:50-The kid points out that Chris Leak looks like former ND basketball flameout Chris Thomas as the Florida offense takes the field.

7:26-Florida's offense implied to enjoy the love of another man for the first time this evening. Crazy high school play almost gets to the house.

4:45-Urban unexpectedly runs on 3rd and short as Auburn pwns the play. FG is good and we're at 3s.

2:18-An uneventful series by Auburn. Jim Rome wants to know why he's not the alternate commentary on ESPN2HD. Colin Cowherd vs my liveblog. I think I'm the underdog, but its only like 2.5 frenchmen.

1:56-Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale, because when I think of getting October beer, I think of pumpkins...right...

End of Quarter-Both teams are moving the ball quite well, and Florida is knocking on the door as we head to another commercial break. We're getting Michigan-Penn State on the other TV, and everytime someone asks about the score, the rest of the staff screams "WAR MOTHERF!@$#-ing EAGLE!" and hits the inquirer in the nether regions. I'm just so damn proud. Brian from House Rock Built has come over because he loves pumpkin ale. His enjoyment of said beverage is causing him to question his own sexuality. I don't know where that's coming from...but ok! FOOTBALL!

On to the second quarter.



Updated: Friday, October 13, 2006

LIVE BLOG:This is either the best or worst idea we've ever had...

Ok, after a long and entertaining presentation that used both PowerPoint AND homemade video, Trev has convinced me to live blog the Florida/Auburn ESPN 360 action (645et). Stay tuned to this spot for news as we lead up to game time. I'll be posting updates and such on this page, with links to the other sections as they come up.

As it stands, we're already going to be having a makeshift staff party for the Florida/Auburn game, and now Mr. Alberts wants to throw the complications of "TREV-o-Vision" into the mix. Wonderful. For the ten of you reading it live, I promise plenty of uncertainty.

More to come. In the meantime, enjoy this Macguyver-ed copy of the ABC intro, courtesy of IrishRoundTable and EDSBS.




Week 7 Trevonics

Sweet merciful crap! This week's bounty of games is kind of like a visit to the Old Country Buffet. We've got trip after trip of slightly average fare for about 8 hours, only to reach the delicious make-your-own-soft-serve that awaits us at the end. There is a vertiable cornucopia of action going on this Saturday, with 11, count them, 11 national games involving ranked opponents. I plan on gorging myself on the afternoon's servicable offerings like medium-hot chicken wings and mac 'n cheese followed by a nightcap of extraordinary magnitude. The kid should be off of his bye-week anti-biotics by then, and without him making a trip this weekend, the office is primed for a...wait for it....FULL STAFF LIVE-BLOGGING EXTRAVAGANZA! I still have to make sure we've taken the proper precautions and stocked the proper rations, but it looks like a go. Check back later today/Satrday for more details.

We're going to potentially have Michigan, USC, Florida/Auburn, and Texas/pointspread all at the same time? With the editor in the house? I love this plan. I'm excited to be a part of it! Scoreboard!

SU: 39-8
ATS: 28-18-1

It's good, but it could be better. 11 games is a big week for the Trevonics.

Indiana (+19.5) vs Iowa 1200et (ESPN2)
Kicking off the slate is the morning "degenerate gamblers" game. I don't have any real doubts here about Iowa taking care of business, but that looks like WAY too many points. I mean, I know its Indiana, but if you want to buy-in to the belief that [name redacted]'s Illini defense is competent, you have to give the home team the benefit of the doubt on this one. Split pick all around, but let's make this one interesting.
Trev's pick: Iowa to win, Indiana to cover

Wisconsin (-8) vs Minnesota 1200et (ESPN)
Again, Minnesota, what is it exactly YOU DO here? Quickly becoming the ASU of the Great White North in my Xbox-centric brain, the Golden Gophers bring little to the table here. Wisconsin, on the other hand, is barelling into my good graces like an old-fashioned fraternity kegger. One, Wisconsin=beer. Two, even their band is getting nasty. Now, we may never know what happened on that school bus, but what we do know is the student section is more than happy to pick up the crazy slack Saturday morning, early start be damned. Hell, Wisconsin practically invented the 1200et start.
Trev's pick: Wisconsin

Navy (-3) vs. Rutgers 130et (CSTV)
Ah, another quality matchup from my new guys over at CSTV. The University of Navy is having a fantastic season, and so is the State University of New Jersey. It's jsut good times all around. No knock on either team, but I think I have to give the edge to Navy. The Midshipmen haven't had this kind of optimism since Roger Staubach, or when their logo was all about that "Minnesota North Star" dealie. Rutgers has a legitimate shot at turning some Big East heads later in the year, and both of these teams should be getting some respectable late December bowls, but I can't pick against Navy. It's just bad mojo.
Trev's pick: Navy

Missouri (-2) at Texas A&M 330et (ABC)
I haven't spent much time in the South, but the time I have spent has been with two football bloggerly types that sustain a violent hatred for Coach Fran, and one of them spits venom only vicariously. It was definitely enough to get the point across. I'm going to hitch my wagon to the "Mizzou Tiger Train," if only to keep them undefeated before my Huskers take them to learnin' school later in the season. No amount of ball-grabbing will save you this week, Aggies.
Trev's pick: Missouri

Oregon (-8.5) vs UCLA 330et (ABC)
Whoa. Whoa, man. I've got our financial department screaming "FREE MONEY" at me from across the office. Is this line right? Is there something I don't know? I know Olson is out for UCLA, the game is in Autzen, and the new Cal may or may not whip out their blinding all-white, Crest toothpaste uniforms (I can only hope) for this one. Karl Dorell still coaches the Bruins, right? Is Belotti temporarily mini-sized? I'm confused. This game has 42-21 written all over it...unless its a trap game...damn....Nope, I'm sticking with the gut.
Trev's pick: Oregon

Michigan State (+14) vs Ohio State 330et (ABC)
Come on, you crazy Spartans! I know you have one of these in you, you just have to! I'm not entirely sure about the UCLA game, but this one has TRAP written all over it. TRAP TRAP TRAP!. If I could get some internet action for MSU at the half, I would be all over it, but, alas, the Germans only save that business for big national games, and European football. I will ride this Spartan upset thing right into the fricking ground. YEAH! Ohio State could very well demolish the stadium with telekinetic mind-bullets, but having been in many a riot, I can sense this one coming. Some kind of supposedly permanent structure is coming down on this one.
Trev's pick: Michigan State

Texas (-27) vs. Baylor 700et (TBS)
ITS TEXAS VS BAYLOR ON TBS! Do you see what happens when the Atlanta Braves miss the playoffs? Do you see what happens? This is what happens. Sigh. The only thing keeping Texas from covering on this one will be a freak electrical storm a la Iowa State. I don't see anyone calling off the dogs on this one, as losing by 4 scores is basically written into Baylor's Big-XII television contract. At least we get almost an hour of football related action before the night's stridently bigger games.
Trev's pick: Texas

Penn State (+5.5) vs Michigan 800et (ABC)
I hope everyone likes 'Zombie Nation' because you're going to be hearing it a whole heck of a lot Saturday night. Penn State is going to be obviously fired up for this one, 100,000 white T-shirts can't be wrong, and they are ready to take sack up with sweet lady vengeance after last year's traditional Big Ten/Big House magic robbing them of a perfect season. If my team had a season like theirs and was rewarded with FSU, I'd be pissed too. No Manningham to boot, so I'm going to go full-force anti-Mark May on this one, and be completely irrational. Penn State WILL win this game...because I said so.
Trev's pick: Penn State

Arizona State (+19) at Southern Cal 800et (ABC)
Ok...this is it. Arizona State, I expect you to give a performance similar to Washingon State (!) or Washington (double !). If you can't do that...well...you're dead to me. No more playful Xbox-related jabbing. No more flowery praise of Tempe's lovely watering holes. I'll even take the Tempe Liquors discount savings card off of my keyring. Cover. You have it in you. If you want to go ahead and pull a ridiculous upset while you're at it, go ahead, but I'm not completely stupid. On a final note, do the Trojans play road games? I know they were in Arkansas, but they're really pulling the reverse Harlem-Globetrotters right now. They have to have like 9 home games or something.
Trev's pick: Southern Cal to win, ASU to cover

New Mexico (+28) vs Boise State 800et SUNDAY (ESPN)
Way to counter-program Sunday Night Football with Boise State, ESPN. Just a quick head fake here for eveyrone waiting for the Florida/Auburn pick...I enjoy fooling maybe 3 people...Alright, real quick, too many points. Split the pick and move on.
Trev's pick: Boise State to win, New Mexico to cover

Auburn (+2) vs Florida 745et (ESPN Everything)
Here's the twisty cone I've been waiting for! It's a delicious football sundae with all of the ESPN fixin's. ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU, ESPNNEWS, and whatever the hell ESPN360 is, are all primed to give you every angle conceivable for this SEC heavyweight fight. The sheer randomness of trying to keep track of all of this has me all twitterpated. I think at least one intern will get a seizure keeping track of it all, but we'll put the over/under at 1.5 jsut to get some action. Anyway, as for the actual game, I've been going with home mojo all week, so I have to pick against the Gators and their HJ cheering styles. I'm sure the Florida fans will enjoy me jumping off the bandwagon this week as they need as few "kisses of death" as possible. I expect this game to be more Tennessee-Florida than Tennessee-Georgia as far as big-time SEC night games are concerned, so I'll take the points to stay on the safe side. I'll take Auburn all the way, just because I think they can pull it out...throughly grinding down a schedule-saturated Florida.
Trev's pick: Auburn

That's it for now. I'll get the kid back on this afternoon to let everyone in on the possibilies for the liveblogging. I'm picturing some full-on TREV-O-Vision for this one now that I think of it. I have to get into the editor's office to pitch him all of my great ideas. I think I'm going to need an easel for this one...

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN timekiller. If he could perfect internet smell-o-vision, he would.

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