Changes abound at Northwestern

By Kenny Mayne
possibly of ESPN.com

With the last days of the offseason winding down, programs across this great land are annointing their latest opening day QB warrior-poets. The Longhorns have Colt McCoy under center, and John David Booty is taking the mantle at Southern Cal, but no team will be seeing bigger changes than Northwestern. Earlier today, Coach Fitzgerald named Kafka as his starting QB, promising a new and different look to the 2006 campaign that few analysts could have seen coming.

More well-known for his works in German existentialism, Kafka will be leading NU in '06.

For starters, the entire offensive playbook has been scrapped in favor of a small purple bowler hat containing the hopes and dreams of all humanity, shifting the focus from their traditional spread offense to refelctions on the infinite. Brian Brewer, a candidate for the QB job earlier this spring, may see some playing time at the newly created "herring" position, where his presence will be viewed as "a mesmerizing commentary on post-modern deconstructionalism" by The New York Times. The offensive line has been speculated to include an antrhopomorphic suzaphone, 3 Maori tribesmen, and the corpse of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, but until the two-deep is finalized, the positions remain floating in perfume.

On the defensive side of the ball, Fitzgerald announced that the secondary would be replaced by four true freshman, stating "I have the true feeling of myself only when I am unbearably unhappy." The tension of the immediate unknown seems to be a continuing theme with the Wildcats' defense as they will be shifting from a traditional 4-3 set towards a more unorthodox 3-4 known as "The Castle" which replaces the ROLB with a rotating cast of French peasant workers in traditional garb. The Washington Post has already heralded this move as "a triumph of man's pioneer spirit."

Special teams have remained unchanged save the addition of a golden retriever named "Scooter" who will teach us all how to love again as he continues his long journey home.

So there you have it, a memorable shakeup in Evanston that is sure to keep all of the critics talking. I anticipate a very successful three-month run this fall followed by constant mis-referencing on MySpace by faux-intellectual teenagers trying to get laid.

Kenny Mayne used to be a sportscaster. He is currently off the reservation.