Tighten it up, kid.

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

I've been forced to prop up the kid via a system of pulleys in order to keep the peace around here. We can't have anyone thinking our fearless editor is not up to the task, or all hell would break loose. Lord knows the interns are already frothing at the mouth over thoughts of weekend benders and pre-season tailgating. There's been a grill out front for at least six days now, and the festivities show no signs of slowing down any time soon. From an official standpoint, as the head man here at FireMarkMay, I condemn their lack of discipline despite the relative dearth of recent news. Unofficially, hell yes, guys. Hell. Yes.

Not even news of the Jewish Mafia bankrolling Maurice Clarett's phenomenonal

I'm not drunk. I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

escapades has been able to get irish to snap out of his week-long bender. So desperate for drunken, sports-centric hooliganism, our little guy has been getting his competitive fix from Major League Soccer of all places? (Chicago Fire: summertime heckling, cursing, and tailgating. Why isn't every off-season college fan on top of this?-irish) I've hooked him up on an IV containing my own mixture of Red Bull and Sparks energy drinks in order to keep things running smoothly around here. His endocrine system should hold out for at least a few more days, kid's got a motor.

He's got to get it together as we have big plans on the horizon. As we've already mentioned, the show's going back on the road this Labor Day weekend, and we're fixing to descend upon Atlanta for the ND-Georgia Tech opener. Orson Swindle, Atlantean (Atlantonite? Atlantonian? Atlantan?), has given the WWW a heads up on the rich history of Atlanta and a how-to football guide that can't be beat. We're going to be firing up the Trev Mobile 1 again, and, hopefully, you'll all be privy to the sights and sounds of our adventures in the deep south. Brian from The House Rock Built will be teaming up with our editor, ensuring plenty of shenanigans. The average night on the town with that guy usually involves Jager, karaoke, and the Canadian national anthem, sometimes simultaneously. College football, public transportation, and Dragon-Con '06 are merely fuel for this perfect storm of collaborative blogging. Entries into the Andy French Cup are a damn near certainty given the circumstances.

That's all for now. Remember, it's never to early to start tailgating, but please, time your drinking accordingly.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN desk man. He is currently perfecting his bratwurst cooking technique.