Updated: Monday, July 31, 2006

Heat Wave

It's so damn hot here at FireMarkMay.com! Looking to capitalize on the sweltering weather and to continue expanding the site's brand, I've got the interns cooking up these bad boys in the back office. The season is coming, college football fans, so beat the heat with our latest creation, the Super Mark Bar! Oh, how I love the ice cream novelties!

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. He sold his ice cream truck to Bill Brasky.



4 zeros. 5 could take a while.

Thanks to a weekend push from Paul over at GeorgiaSports, the site briefly entertained its 10,000th visitor. Trev is working on being a regular at the local biergarden, so I'll tell him the good news when he stumbles back in this afternoon. That will probably spark a return trip and liter beers for all, but again, let me use this time say how happy I am that we've stopped doing shots of Jager every time the site got hit.

It has been a fast 10 weeks. Briefly, I'd like to thank a few people:
  • First things first, thanks to Fightinamish of HouseRockBuilt for web design and drunken inspiration.
  • Thanks to Johnny at MountainLair for being one of Trev's first big fans. West Virginia hates them some Mark May.
  • EDSBS magnate Orson Swindle should be lauded for his love of hovertanks.
  • Last but not least, none of this would be possible without the Penn State kid.
We've gone from 9 hits/day to over 150 hits/day. It's great to have traffic not dependent on google typos and blogger.com "next blog-->" hits, but enough backslapping, I think the next big zero is a ways off.

Bring on the season.



Updated: Friday, July 28, 2006

Ein Prosit!

Returning to my schedule of making Thursday the new Friday, I took some petty cash out of the kid's office (That was my wallet!-irish) and took the team down to the local sports stadium to celebrate our 10-week anniversary. It's been a long, grueling road, especially for me, so I decided to treat everyone to a relaxing night of American baseball action. Being the big celebrity that I am, the neighborhood scalpers were more than happy to only charge me face value for our tickets, even though we didn't show up until the 3rd inning due to a prior pit stop at a nearby Irish pub.

Without the sherpa, Trev might have ended up like this guy.

So, with a belly full of stout Guinness lager in our bellies, we soldiered on, braving the untamed wild of a major-league bleacher section. Our tardiness had temporarily forced us to the standing room, but I sent some interns out to scout for seats while I beckoned the Mai Tai guy. Score. I'm not exactly sure what's in those delectable concoctions, but I'm pretty sure it might have something to do with the mystical healing powers of Tahitian Noni juice, no wonder I get all those emails about it. Well, after I had newly hired the Mai Tai guy as my own personal liquor sherpa, the interns came back with no results. Searching for a solution and recently empowered by the ancient powers of the Mai Tai, I hurled two of them into a nearby section. After the ensuing scuffle, we had plenty of space for myself and the crew. This lasted roughly 30 minutes, enough time to sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" while actually being taken out of the ballgame.

Our admission and our temporary booze servant stripped from us, all hope seemed to be lost until I had seen salvation. On the way to my usual sanitary alley, I noticed that it had been replaced by a newly built German Hofbrau. I couldn't believe my eyes, but the kid confirmed that I wasn't hallucinating, and I knew that the night was just starting. I opened a tab on our corporate credit card (Again...we don't HAVE a corporate credit card!-irish) and began to order some major-league steins. They had 1.0L mugs! GOD BLESS THE METRIC SYSTEM!

This is where the team-building really hit full swing. Faster than you could say "Deutschland Uber Alles," we were toasting and shooting (shot-ski!) into the wee hours. Here are some of my favorite recollections of our salutationous cheer:

  • To the Chorizo sausage! Run, Chorizo, run!
  • To Harold Reynolds! Hug it out, bitches!
  • I enjoy baseball!
  • Fire Mark May!
  • Give me back my credit card! (irishoutsider)
Overall, I'd say it was a good night. No one got booked, we all had a few laughs, and the kid got his wallet back, but not until a late-night trip to the International House of Pancakes. We ordered Belgian waffles, French toast, and Polish sausage, but stopped short of getting the Russian quiche.

Trev Alberts is an ex-ESPN anchorman. Zicke Zacke, Zicke Zacke, Oy! Oy! Oy! Zicke Zacke, Zicke Zacke, Oy! Oy! Oy!



Updated: Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Fark Yourself

Let me just say that I am looking forward to this upcoming season. All you clones are really stepping up you internet chicanery. We saw flashes of your techno-brilliance near the end of last season, but this has been an offeseason full of ridiculous videos and photoshopping goodness. The great thing about this whole blogging thing is this...NO ONE KNOWS WHAT'S REAL ANYMORE. As if the college football world needed more fuel for the crazy rumor fires, now we have farkers helping us jump to conclusions. For example, these pictures of OU Heisman candidate Adrian Peterson: the original and the internet version.

Or how about so-called Jimmy Clausen "Love Boat" fake?

Ok, which one of you weirdos has the free time for this? You guys have opened the box...I just want you all to be aware of that.

The possibilities are endless. Pat White burning a couch? Sure. Mark Sanchez robbing a liquor store? You got it. Charlie Weis eating babies? BRING IT ON! I don't even want to touch the SEC on this. My wildest dreams cannot predict the chaos that will emerge in Dixie this fall. You know what? This internet stuff ain't half bad after all. Rack me.

Jim Rome's "Rome is Burning" can be seen weekday afternoons on ESPN. The World Series of Darts is getting higher ratings.


Updated: Tuesday, July 25, 2006

An Ad for All Seasons

(We would like to welcome Beano Cook to FireMarkMay.com as our official college football historian. While I'm still holding that whole "multiple Heismans for Ron Powlus" thing against him, the old salt knows his stuff and can spin quite a tale. Also, he drank Trev under the table, so I had to follow through.-irishoutsider)

The advent of the so-called "superstar coach" is not unique to this modern era of 7-figure salaries, book deals, and endorsement contracts. Long before guys like Bob Stoops and Steve Spurrier were in Pop Warner, there was always the notion of the figurehead head coach. As a standard bearer for his program and as an ambassador of his college or university, the head coach of any big-time college football program was always front and center in the media, whatever media that may be. From Knute Rockne punching up his pregame pep talks to Fielding Yost hurling whiskey bottles at telegraph operators, the media circus has always revolved around the coach.

With this kind of attention, head coaches have always been sought after commodities to the Madison Ave. types, and no coach has had more success, more longevity, in this area than State College's own Joe Paterno. I know, this may be a surprise to the younger set out there. Why that whippersnapper Orson Swindle is just bumfuzzled by the thought of JoePa hawking bread for the local bakery concern! The folly of youth! Coach Paterno has been through it all, young man, a trailblazer if you will. He's been a part of the advertising boom since the start.
Beano Cook is ESPN's resident old-timer. He regularly accuses chestnuts of being lazy.


Updated: Monday, July 24, 2006

Show your pride

Hi, everyone. Kirk Herbstreit here to remind you that there are safe and sanitary ways to enjoy adult material on the internet. Here's a look at what Nike has in the works, taking full advantage of their licensing might:

Now that a solution has been found, I think we can finally put this whole unfortunate affair behind us, Buckeye fans. The offseason is almost over, and now college football fans everywhere can start focusing on how the football team is screwing itself. If you're curious about what happened to our fellow fan, here's that last compelling chapter in his 15 minutes of infamy.

Kirk Herbstreit is a god-fearing ESPN analyst. He would like to remind everyone to dress up for court.


Updated: Sunday, July 23, 2006

Technology rocks!

While the me and the guys were boozing it up with NCAA 2007, the kid went out and upgraded the computers. We're getting ready for the season, and we need the proper tools. Like every other college blogger worth his salt, we need to fire up the photoshop. When I found out about our new tech, I knew it was time for some serious work.

That's right! That's my head on friggin' Boba Fett's body! How freakin' sweet is that?!

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. He is currently wanted in seven systems.



Updated: Friday, July 21, 2006

Fire Mark May on Facebook

I started up a Facebook group for FireMarkMay. Here's the link, and be sure to sign up and invite your friends. Mr. Alberts insists that I "spread the gospel of Trev to the internet masses." Seriously, he sent out a memo. Anyway, there's a MySpace page coming as soon as I can recover Trev's information. I had it all organized on his computer, but it was horribly burned in the BBQ fires.

The link will be on the sidebar as well.


Updated: Thursday, July 20, 2006

Game over, man, GAME OVER!

The writing's on the wall, friends. Merrill Lynch is suggesting that ESPN pull the plug on my dreams! (Thanks a lot, Deadspin.) These ESPN Mobile ads were going to be my ticket to the Big Show. Now, maybe I can swing a guest spot on "I Love 2006" in a few years. I freaking hate VH1!

Poochy the Rocking Dog is currently head of ESPN marketing.

I should have seen this coming. It was a classic ESPN screwjob from the start. First, the endless hype. I think the thing had its own freaking Super Bowl ad. Next, it came out at like, what, $300? The service wasn't any better than ESPN.com, and you had to buy a new phone plan. I can't even figure out my current phone plan , let alone how to get out of it! Then, the endless pimping of the phone by Sportscenter and the various ESPN celebrities like Peter Gammons and the always annoying Trey Wingo.

This phone was the Poochy the Rocking Dog of ESPN. There I said it. It was designed by some suits in a lab somewhere, trying to extract synergy from the coveted male 18-39 demographic. Hey! These guys love sports stats and stuff, right? Let's make them pay for stuff they already have, but we'll make it look like ESPN! That's what they really want! Hell, we'll tell them what they want!

Sorry, I got away from myself there. I'm just kind of out of it, you know? I mean, what's next for ESPN Mobile Guy when there is no ESPN Mobile? This was going to be my shot at the Big Show, but now I have to downgrade my stalking hobby to a stalking interest. COME ON!

ESPN Mobile Guy is still stalking while the stalkings good. He is running out of time.


Updated: Wednesday, July 19, 2006

The Hot Seat: NCAA 2007

(The bulk of the staff here at FireMarkMay.com is currently playing, spectating, or gamlbing on the newly released EA NCAA Football 2007. To keep the presses rolling, we're handing over the reins to some of our more inanimate contributors.-Irish)

Afternoon everyone, it is I, the Budweiser Hot Seat, former resting place of such famous sports celebrities as Lance Johnson, Sir Charles Barkely, and Vince Vaughn. Today, we are graced to have in our presence one of the premier names in the college football world. One must only whisper it to invoke awe amongst the masses of adoring fans. With each passing year, my guest takes us all to a world of fancy, of wonder, where we can each fulfill our dreams of championship glory, if only for a few fleeting moments. Ladies and mostly gentlemen, EA's NCAA Football 2007!

It's good to be here, Hot Seat. Thanks for having me on.

Believe me, 2007, the honor is all mine. From the drunken gallavanting in the next room, I can tell you're quite the hit with the lads.

Yeah, I'm glad they like the new model. I think I heard Trev swearing over some of the newer controls, but, you know, we have to keep everyone on their toes.

Slowing down the internet all by itself, NCAA 2007.

But of course. NCAA, I have to begin with the tough questions. I know you don't want me to pull any punches. First question: Why are you so awesome?

Short answer? Variety. I give the fans what they want. You can match up any two Div. I-A or I-AA teams and have them go at it. I've got more stadiums, more players, more animations than anyone out there.

A lot of people say you're just another pretty face, that you've been skating by on your looks. Care to address that?

There's more to me than just looks. Every year I add a little bit of polish, but look at where I was even 3 years ago. There's a difference. Maybe not so much over last year, but definitely over time.

You have your fair share of admirers. Has anyone gone too far?

I've gotten a few death threats from guys who thought their teams were rated too low or their favorite back wasn't fast enough. It never fails, though. Every year I get the nasty phone calls and the like, but you have to rise above it, you know?

Yes, of course. I'll finish up with one last question. If you were shot into space and taken in by an alien civilization, what would your first words be?

Well, the first time you play me, you usually get some Penn State fans clanging a cowbell...I don't know where that came from.

Thank you so much, 2007. One last final last question. Who wins it all?

No matter how many times I run it, I get Ohio State. Just a gut feeling, the way I'm wired.

The Budweiser Hot Seat takes up residence at FireMarkMay.com between tapings. Last night's staff tournament kept waking him up.


Updated: Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Damn you, Amazon!

2-day shipping my backside! When the thing says your package will be there on the 18th, it better damn well be there on the 18th! What's this 18th-19th crap? I cannot stand uncertainty in my parcel delivery! This is throwing off my entire schedule of inagural NCAA 2007 enjoyment. I had everything planned: Tuesday, receive game, win national title with Nebraska. Wednesday, recruit. Thursday, scheduling of office dynasty mode. Friday, pickup games and beer. All free time would be filled by TrevDawg1 trash-talking on Xbox Live. Now with this unfortunate delay, the schedule must be pushed back. This is worse than when they pushed back the release date! (We had to sedate him.-IO)

Reggie Bush, you are dead to me. -TrevDawg1

In the meantime, I can keep preparing my NCAA 2007 preparedness kit:
  • 1 Costco-sized box of Goldfish crackers (cheese)
  • 2 30-packs of Keystone Light
  • delivery menus from local Chinese, Mexican, and Italian eateries
  • a minimum of 12 cans of Red Bull brand energy drink
  • 1 handle (1.5L) of Absolut brand Vodka
  • 1 bag of bakery fresh bagels with cream cheese
  • 1 can of Maxwell House coffee
  • 1 case of bottled water
  • First-aid kit
Remember, there are many ways to enjoy EA's NCAA Football with the variety of game modes and your own varying level of sobriety. Once you are done with your obligatory title run with your favorite team, remember that there are so many other ways to enjoy your favorite game all year long! Some of my favorites include service academy dynasties, create-a-school, and trying to get the death penalty, but that's another post after I've delved deep into the digital goodness that is this franchise.

So once more, damn you, Amazon! Damn you and your shipping delays! This only delays the inevitable. Soon, I will be conquering Colorado and Missouri and Oregon and Maryland and Texas and Washington....


Trev Alberts is a former ESPN prognosticator. He plans on running the Nevada Pistol.



Updated: Monday, July 17, 2006

Coach heads South

You guys need to keep making with the updates over there. Trev, I've known you for a long time, ok, and the thing that I know you do best is "stick to your guns." The offseason is almost over, but if you keep your nose to the grindstone like I know you can, you're going to be my pick for comebacker of the year. Look at me, for example, I've been shuttling about all over the south, polishing up my game for the upcoming season. Just the other day, I proselytized down in Atlanta (HT:The Wiz), gave the people what they wanted to hear. Hey, if everyone thinks Notre Dame is going to destroy Georgia Tech, why should I agree with them? This is how I pay the bills!

Alright, back to my southern tour. While not as eventful as your trip to Austin, Trev, I got my hands dirty in the trenches, hanging out with some of those big uglies in the scorching heat of two-a-days. I tell, you, the strength and conditioning coaches out there have all sorts of new-fangled training techniques, and they're pulling them all out of the bag hoping to get the most out of their touted student-athletes.

While in Atlanta, I was close to several teams stretching their way to victory. Don't let the macho South fool you, these guys are deep into yoga. Here's some of the highlights:

Lanny Poffo would be perfect for fixing Auburn's struggling image.

  • For starters, Chan Gailey's got his hog mollies doing their "downward dogs" under the watchful eye of WCW's Diamond Dallas Page. Yo! I wouldn't want to get on his bad side! Watch out, though. I think DDP only went 7-5 in his matches too.
  • Auburn's been getting into some trouble with the NCAA lately, so they hired "The Genius" Lanny Poffo to double as strength coach and sociology tutor.
  • Ed Orgeron has his boys flipping tires and carrying tree trunks to prepare for this season. Mississippi State is preparing by rolling a large boulder uphill.
  • In an effort to increase team speed, Florida State wideouts are stealing heavier consumer electronics items.
  • Urban Meyer took his playbook to that Briscoe High School I keep seeing in those Nike ads. Apparently, it's not working there either.
  • Maryland linemen training still involves pulling Ralph Friedgen around in a festive Christmas sled.

  • Lee Corso is a doddering anchor on ESPN's College Gameday. He would like you to please get off his lawn.


    Updated: Thursday, July 13, 2006

    Need help planning? Just say the word!

    Hello, everyone, it seems that the details of my wedding have come out. Sure, they have been public for a few months now, but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one in the college football world reading Manhattan Bride. Anyway, now that those guys down at EDSBS have broken the story to the male side of fandom, I've decided to share my event planning talents with the rest of you.

    The perfect pregame mood music. I'm a big fan of Sussudio myself.

    Tailgating season is just around the corner, so here's a few tips to class up any get together:
    • First things first: wine pairings. No matter what's cooking on the grill, the right vintage is a must.
    • Proper service. When I'm dealing with hordes of unwashed masses mooching off of me, I prefer to have them deal driectly with the help.
    • Solid theming. Early in the year, I like to keep it light with fingerfoods and tea sandwiches, then move onto traditonal German harvest festival fare come autumn.
    • Music. A nice mix of adult contemporary rock and some old classics are sure to keep your guests in good spirits without overpowering conversations. I reccommend Bryan Adams, Phil Collins, and Rush.
    • Last but not least, remember to keep the brandy at room temperature. You don't want it too hot for those post game nips.
    Just follow these simple guidelines at your next tailgate, and you'll have all your guests talking. I really should get going however, I have a lot of errands to run. It's quite the busy Friday. I have to hit Bed Bath and Beyond, then Linens and Things, and the wife wants me to hit Crate and Barrel on the way home, but I don't know if I'll have the time.

    Chris Fowler can be seen on College Gameday. He is currently all about IKEA.


    Updated: Monday, July 10, 2006

    MyESPNspace beta

    The future of SportsNation is here! Coming this September, our friends at the Worldewide Leader will give us all a new platform to share our views on our favorite teams, meet new friends, and anonymously trash talk. Here in Bristol, we've been able to test out the new system before it goes live. I'd say results are mixed. Here's a look at my "wall."

    Tom 7/1/2006 10:00am:
    Welcome to myESPNspace!

    Top Clone 7/2/2006 3:00pm:
    Good to have you on, Kirk. We need to hang out.

    PittSkin73 7/2/2006 6:21pm:
    Thanks, Kirk. You think maybe I can go to Atlanta with you?

    HottAlexxx 7/3/2006 2:21am:
    Check out my new site, now with webcam. http://adultseekermega.hott.ru/Alexxx

    Trevious Awesomicus 7/3/2006 12:07pm:
    M4r|{ M4¥ 1$ 73h $µxx0r!! FIRE MARK MAY!

    CFowl 7/6/2006 5:13pm:
    Dang it, Kirk. Why did you add Trev? j/k See you in Atlanta! I'll pack the Makers...

    ESPNMobile1 7/7/2006 1:42am:
    I know where I'll be Labor Day! See you all down there! You guys tailgating at all?

    Corso 7/7/2006 8:18am:
    Not so fast, my friend... Kirk, Atlanta is going to be the roxxor.

    Top Clone 7/7/2006 11:00am:
    Great, now Mobile Guy's going to stalk you all across state lines. Kirk, you get my email?

    LetsGoMets 7/8/2006 8:18am:
    I had a great time last night, Kirk. Want to catch another game this week?

    THE-Buckeye 7/8/2006 10:37am:
    YOU CHEATING @#!$!%ER!!!!!11!!!1!!

    Kirk Herbstreit is a co-anchor of ESPN College Gameday. He's in nobody's top 6.


    Son of a...

    Hey, jungle, you're not listening to me! I'm trying not to be a one-note guy when I'm banging this blog, but you internet-types are just scaring the heck out of me. Do you people actually think stuff like this goes over? "Hey Jim, if enough people see me rap poorly about my favorite team, chicks will talk to me!" NO. That is the opposite of truth. We're beyond private geekery right now, taking this to the next level.

    First things first, for the Horns fans at BurntOrangeNation, sometimes it's just too easy...

    This however, pales in comparison to this piece of ridiculousness. Kentucky, what is it exactly YOU DO HERE?

    COME ON! If you're going to be remembered for something like this, at least take the time to remember your lines.

    I know what you're saying. You're saying, Jim, you talk a big game, but I don't see you doing any better. That's because I know better. Look, I know you all want to be the next big thing, showing off your chops to the internet masses. But remember, kids who do this end up like this. Rack me.

    Jim Rome is talks to himself weekdays at 4:30EST on ESPN. He was also in SpaceJam.


    Updated: Thursday, July 06, 2006

    Outside the Lines: Super Schools

    The NCAA recently released a list of 15 high schools no longer approved by the NCAA Initial-Eligibility Clearinghouse. These so-called "diploma mills" are a part of a growing epidemic in the American sports landscape. With promises of academic scholarship and future endorsement deals, these schools are filled with young student-athletes with major league aspirations. Able to subvert college entrance requirements with lax academic standards resulting in higher student GPAs, many of these private schools can make the road to the professional circuits that much easier for potential sports superstars. In return for all of this, these institutions receive lucrative endorsement deals and other perks. The NCAA is just now trying to address this problem, but it may have spread further than they know. With another special report for FireMarkMay.com, Outside the Lines uncovers another non-traditional school with an uncanny ability to dodge sanctions.

    From its exterior, the Xavier School for the Gifted in upstate New York appears to be your average college preparatory academy. With its colonial stylings and spacious campus, the school looks straight out of the Ivy League. It claims to provide top-notch education for talented youngsters of all ages with a rigorous curriculum. However, Outside the Lines surveyed the grounds with Xavier teacher and former student, Mr. Scott Summers, and found a much more unorthodox school setting. What exactly is going on at Xavier?

    "We are constantly preparing the students for life at the next level," says Mr. Summers. "The school feels that the education received here is second to none, and also within the guidelines of the NCAA." The assistant headmaster was quite confident in his school's credentials despite the fact that his chemistry professor was a seven-foot tall, blue sasquatch. "Dr. McCoy has a PhD in Biophysics," responded Summers, "he is more than capable to chair our Science department." The NCAA does not recognize McCoy's degree, nor does it recognize Biophysics, Genomics, Telekinesis, or any of the other supposed courses listed in the school's curriculum.

    Xavier's athletes show off their new Nike uniforms.

    Providing further evidence that the school is an athletic factory is a strange area known as the "Danger Room." For the duration of our visit, all of the students were seen training in this state-of-the-art athletic facility, not the classroom. Other perks include a brand-new regulation basketball court, an Olympic-sized swimming pool, and a private jet. That's right, a private jet, a far cry from your average yellow bus.

    Outside the Lines asks you, the reader, to judge for yourself, but the evidence against the Xavier School for the Gifted is mounting. At the present time, the NCAA has no knowledge of the school failing certification and is concerned about other issues with the school. Currently, the school is being questioned with regards to its discrimination lawsuit with Apache Chief.

    Bob Ley is a journalist for ESPN. He thinks "The Sports Reporters" is boring too.


    I have some explaining to do

    I suppose I should explain myself while the kid tidies up after our 3rd of July BBQ. You see, we had a grand old time with fearless editor out of the office. Here's a quick recap of the day's events as I try to piece together my own memory while irish runs to the hardware store again.

    It all started Sunday night. I devised a sports-movie tripleheader to kill a perfectly good evening with a few malted man-sodas. Not to be alcoholic about it, I had invited ESPN Mobile Guy over to join me for a little pre-BBQ revelry. Since most of the ESPN "A" teams were at the World Cup, on vacation, or at the NFL Network, Mobile Guy was on a little break of his own. He cancelled his Motel 6 plan and came to crash at the compound. We ordered Chinese food and settled in for three football movies from the library: "Varsity Blues," "Friday Night Lights," and "The Program." I know, Nick already said his piece about the ESU Timberwolves, but it still makes me nostalgic. However, by the time Lattimer painted up like a skeleton for the final game, Mobile Guy and I had passed out on the couches, leaving plenty of platonic, completely heterosexual, empty space between us.

    Having set my alarm the night before, I woke up ESPN Mobile Guy at the crack of dawn and took him outside where a group of bleary-eyed interns awaited us. Nothing like a faking a three-alarm fire to get the troops ready for a full day of fun! Anyway, with myself in complete Army dress regalia, we took a loyalty oath to the United States of America except New England, the state of Nebraska, and me, Trev Alberts.

    With a swelling sense of patriotic pride, which on second glance was probably early morning insobriety, I began the company BBQ with a flourish. I unveiled a full side of beef, fresh for the grilling, 3 kegs of the patriotic Sam Adams Lager, and a case of the equally patriotic Sammy Hagar's Cabo Wabo Tequila. The interns began slaving over our various hibachi grills as Guy and I began the staple of any football related BBQ, arbitrary drinking games!

    Toss Across. It keeps score for you, freeing up valuable casual drinking time.

    While I'm pretty sure I smashed the Cornhole boxes, I don't remember if they put that hole in the drywall. At one point, we were unable to keep track of our scores without engaging in fisticuffs, so we ditched the game for an old classic. That's right, I dug out the old Tic-Tac-Toss Across! Every game was an unpredictable flurry of beanbag related drinking. Try it for yourself at your next tailgater, it's tic-tastic!

    Now, this is the part where it gets fuzzy. Sometime after we finished the first keg, the grills were at full roar. I had the interns using all of our copies of Athlon, Lindy's, and Street & Smith's as tinder as I find the multitude of glossy ads provide a subtle mesquite flavor. Besides, who needs those losers when you have Phil Steele? Anyway, at some point the smoke became so thick that we all passed out, reminding us all that I should have held the BBQ outdoors. Well, that's a lesson for next year.

    When you get back, irish, I found your desk chair in the back lot. I think ESPN Mobile Guy threw it out the window to help with the ventilation. You might want to get a new one.

    Trev Alberts is a former ESPN analyst. He thinks flammable and inflammable are different.



    Updated: Wednesday, July 05, 2006

    Tale of the Tape: USC vs. ESU

    Time to spin yet another good, old-fashioned off-season yarn for all of you. Unable to sate your primal sporting needs with the fancy lads of the World Cup, and unable to get excited about the WNBA as more than an odd, mysteriously alluring curiosity, FireMarkMay.com has brought me in to do yet another hackneyed "Tale of the Tape." Inspired by the latest internet foofurrah about USC linebacker Brian Cushing and the site's recent obsession with James Caan, let's put these two programs to the test...



    Location:Southern CalUm, Eastern State?USC for being specific

    Home field:L.A. ColiseumLooks like Williams-Brice StadiumUSC vs. USC. Advantage Push.

    Head Coach:Pete CarrollJames CaanSonny Corleone
    Heisman QB:Matt LeinartJoe KaneKane missed 4 games and still won it. Advantage ESU.

    QB seen with:Paris HiltonRandom tennis girl.Less press and fewer antibiotics. Advantage ESU.

    RB tandem:Bush and WhiteJefferson and GriffinESU distracted by Halle Berry. Advantage USC.

    Controversial Defender:Steve LattimerBrian CushingESU. Ding motherf**kin' dong!
    Supporters have:Loaded apartmentsLoaded envelopesESU boosters lack subtlety. Advantage USC.
    Motivational ploy:Faking player suicideFlipping Gatorade tableAdvantage Push.
    Big Game Rival:Notre DameGeorgia TechNotre Dame -7.5 pts. Advantage USC.

    So there you have it, 5-4-2. By the thinnest layer of latex, the Trojans hold on. I'm Nick Bakay reminding you that the numbers never lie and to always reach for that bell, that championship bell!

    Nick Bakay is a former ESPN columnist. He used to voice an Angry Beaver.