Updated: Thursday, July 06, 2006

I have some explaining to do

I suppose I should explain myself while the kid tidies up after our 3rd of July BBQ. You see, we had a grand old time with fearless editor out of the office. Here's a quick recap of the day's events as I try to piece together my own memory while irish runs to the hardware store again.

It all started Sunday night. I devised a sports-movie tripleheader to kill a perfectly good evening with a few malted man-sodas. Not to be alcoholic about it, I had invited ESPN Mobile Guy over to join me for a little pre-BBQ revelry. Since most of the ESPN "A" teams were at the World Cup, on vacation, or at the NFL Network, Mobile Guy was on a little break of his own. He cancelled his Motel 6 plan and came to crash at the compound. We ordered Chinese food and settled in for three football movies from the library: "Varsity Blues," "Friday Night Lights," and "The Program." I know, Nick already said his piece about the ESU Timberwolves, but it still makes me nostalgic. However, by the time Lattimer painted up like a skeleton for the final game, Mobile Guy and I had passed out on the couches, leaving plenty of platonic, completely heterosexual, empty space between us.

Having set my alarm the night before, I woke up ESPN Mobile Guy at the crack of dawn and took him outside where a group of bleary-eyed interns awaited us. Nothing like a faking a three-alarm fire to get the troops ready for a full day of fun! Anyway, with myself in complete Army dress regalia, we took a loyalty oath to the United States of America except New England, the state of Nebraska, and me, Trev Alberts.

With a swelling sense of patriotic pride, which on second glance was probably early morning insobriety, I began the company BBQ with a flourish. I unveiled a full side of beef, fresh for the grilling, 3 kegs of the patriotic Sam Adams Lager, and a case of the equally patriotic Sammy Hagar's Cabo Wabo Tequila. The interns began slaving over our various hibachi grills as Guy and I began the staple of any football related BBQ, arbitrary drinking games!

Toss Across. It keeps score for you, freeing up valuable casual drinking time.

While I'm pretty sure I smashed the Cornhole boxes, I don't remember if they put that hole in the drywall. At one point, we were unable to keep track of our scores without engaging in fisticuffs, so we ditched the game for an old classic. That's right, I dug out the old Tic-Tac-Toss Across! Every game was an unpredictable flurry of beanbag related drinking. Try it for yourself at your next tailgater, it's tic-tastic!

Now, this is the part where it gets fuzzy. Sometime after we finished the first keg, the grills were at full roar. I had the interns using all of our copies of Athlon, Lindy's, and Street & Smith's as tinder as I find the multitude of glossy ads provide a subtle mesquite flavor. Besides, who needs those losers when you have Phil Steele? Anyway, at some point the smoke became so thick that we all passed out, reminding us all that I should have held the BBQ outdoors. Well, that's a lesson for next year.

When you get back, irish, I found your desk chair in the back lot. I think ESPN Mobile Guy threw it out the window to help with the ventilation. You might want to get a new one.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN analyst. He thinks flammable and inflammable are different.




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