Week 9 Rundown

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Go Huskies! Let's hear it for my favoritest new scrappy team, the Connecticut Huskies, for hanging in there with Rutgers Sunday night. Saving myself from at least a mean German-Indian burn from my international creditors, UCONN gave Rutgers a bit of a scare. No worries, except for the fact that I needed last night's Big East counter-programming to save par. Scoreboard it up.

Week 9 totals-
Straight Up: 8-2
Against the Spread: 5-5

Season-to-date-
SU: 59-20
ATS: 44-33-1

Still, not up to my usually stellar personal standards, but still sexfully in its own right. If only I could figure out this blasted Big Ten action...or if they weren't on national as much...

Michigan 17-Northwestern 3
Really, Michigan. REALLY? I guess Northwestern should hire a team shaman. The rain really slowed down the meatchickens, possibly giving the Wildcats enough false hope to get them through the season, and good for them. ESPN has officially started the multi-hour countdown to the Apocalypse, ensuring that UM/OSU will remain BCS 1/2 through next weekend. Apologies to the Big East in advance.

Wisconsin 30-Illinois 24
You broke my heart, Wisconsin, you broke my heart. Where were those beer-swilling, party-loving badgers that I irrationally fell for? I blame myself, really I do, but the least you could have done was TRY to bring the woodwork to the Illini, who are now likely fired up for their windmill-tilt with Ohio State. "We almost beat Wisconsin! you are so going down, Buckeyes!!11!!11!"-anonymous Illinois fan. The office will be turning our one "Root for the Illini Free" card this week just as a precautionary measure.

Oklahoma 26-Missouri 10
Missouri, you are going to love San Antonio. The Alamo, the Alamodome, Spurs basketball, and all the riverwalk margaritas you can handle. It'll be like going to Chi-Chi's but without the fried ice cream...so, um, I guess that's good. On the plus side, you'll likely play Wisconsin in the Coinflip Exhibition Bowl.

Ohio State 44-Minnesota 0
Completing my Big Ten bumfuzzlement is this ridiculousness. Minnesota, you have fooled me twice for I think the fifth time! It'll never happen again, I swear! We're done. Don't even bother calling, I've got an intern leaving arbitrary voice-mail filling messages on my phone as we speak. Ohio State, you can't even make a game interesting with a 27-point spread, good for you. I don't even think you were running up the score. I'm not even mad, that's amazing.

Georgia Tech 30-Miami (FL) 23
If you want a sign of how far Miami (FL) has fallen, look no further than this week's Gameday question: "Can Miami upset Georgia Tech?" Yeah, that just happened. Not only was Miami (FL) doubted, but those concerns were justified. Checking the box score and...Reggie Ball 11-27. Way to go guys, you won the 50% coinflip, and you STILL lost. In other news, I know he's been quiet lately, but how do you not put three guys on Calvin Johnson in the red zone?

Oklahoma Sate 41-Nebraska 29
Sigh. So much hope. Now? Well now the table is totally set for the late-season fold, followed by Missouri winning the North, watching them lay it down to Texas, and the possibility of having a conference record comparable to Baylor. Criminy.

Florida 21-Georgia 14
I will never learn. TAKE THE POINTS! Despite Florida having every opportunity to salt this one away, Georgia just kept hanging around with the Gators in a stew of combined offensive impotence. The Florida defense did their part, and usually the team with 5 TOs delivers the knockout punch a la Michigan (Hate. -IO). If I'm a Florida fan, I don't know how to feel right now. On the one hand, your team controls much of their own destiny, but on the other, you have the sinking feeling your offense is running out of mirrors. I guess if there's some silver linings, Chris Leak did all of that concussed, and Chris Leak is concussed. Jump passes and QB off-tackles for all!

Texas 34-Texas Tech 31
ARGH! So close, brave Lubbock football pirates. The presumably crazy Stewart Mandel did get the score right, 34-31, but flipped the teams as the Longhorns escape death once again. Style points are in short supply in Austin at the moment, especially since they spent most of them getting the court to legally change that kid's name to Colt McCoy. Texas has an interesting schedule remaining (OkSt, KState, aTm, and now likely Mizzou), and like USC, I'm starting to get the feeling that they will let one slip very soon.

Rutgers 24-Connecticut 13
The par-saving cover of the week. Bless your hearts, Huskies. You played smart, you kept it close to the vest, and you ran, ran, ran. Rutgers inability to stop you has me a bit concerned about the WVU game, but overall, a nice late Sunday diversion to slide into the work week. UCONN, you may be a football team yet. Give it time, just look at Rutgers. Between the Huskies, Cincinnati, USF, and the Scarlet Knights, the Big East may not be as top heavy in the future, but that's another subject all together.

Notre Dame 38-Navy 14
Old-timey option offense, the ND-Naval tradition, a noon start, and all the bruncheon delights you could muster. I'm telling you, there's nothing better than that. ND takes care of business after the Middies kept it interesting in the first half. Hats off to the University of Navy, as it was a stand-up effort all around. They play an almost perfect game out there in Annapolis, full of execution and technique. Now if only they could get some kind of a passing game going. That would be a sight to see. Both teams move on to the prospect of perfectly respectable bowl games. Ahoy! I think I'm saying that right.

Trev Alberts once won a catamaran on The Price is Right. He used it to siege his neighbor's barrel sauna.