Gather round my blog table!
I've taken so much from the blogosphere community that I think it's high time I take something more! Behold, the first of what I hope will be a lengthy series of Trev-fueled round tables. This is an open invite to all of my friends and soon-to-be followers on the interweb. Let's have some fun discussing whatever topics the old bean came up with after a long night of liquid inspiration. Summer is for creativity, so let's fire it up now and keep the momentum rolling right on through to Labor Day. The niche T-shirts will flow like wine coolers!
I'm going to put on my patented Trev thinking helmet while assuming the role of Quizmaster. As I will be in an inquisitional trance for the duration of the composition, I'm going to ask that my lovely assistant, the kid, field the brilliance that is soon to come forthwith.
Your Home Field Advantage
Give the more zealous portion of your fanbase a religion. What's this cult following? Feel free to give the splitters a derogatory nickname.
Considering the Robot Catholics (HT: Marco) are more a creation of this site than anything else, I'll have to answer with the more tangible, yet equally zealous Notre Dame traditionalists, the plaid panters, the Latin massers, or the anti-(Jumbo) Tronites. These folks are vehemently opposed to any kind of progress, even if theres a possibility of tastefully done progress (however unlikely). To these passionate old salts, Notre Dame isn't broke, so don't fix it. Green jerseys, dance squads, outdoor pep rallies, anything that isn't exactly how it was "in my days" (read 1915-1950, 1966-1979) is a blight on the entire college game and the cause for our recent struggles. These are the types who have violent allergic reactions to second-tier bowl games, and I'm with them on that when it comes to the "city" of Jacksonville, but all in all their passions, while noble, always seem to be slightly misdirected.
Your biggest rival is in town, and College Gameday is coming....to your citaaaaaaay... Create a blatant corporate sellout promotion to appeal to the mass unwashed.
This one is easy. Large foam papal hats sponsored by the Congregation of the Holy Cross. If these are deemed too offensive, I will also accept giant foam Crusader swords sponsored by The Home Depot. I would like to avoid Chick-Fil-A inspired foam at all costs.
Add one local delicacy to your stadium's concessions. Post-tax pricing is optional.
CJ's Pub, home of the world's greatest burger, has taken to exporting their meatnormous "pubs" to the local chain of Martin's supermarkets, both being within a mile of the stadium. Import cases upon cases of these delectable half-pounders to the stadium, and feel free to pop a bunch of pre-made swissburgers in the concession warmers: nine American dollars. For an added touch of local flavor, place a freestanding grill cart on the north concourse cooking pubs to order with a variety of traditional condiments including Canadian bacon, various olives, onions, and a selection of cheeses from throughout the land: nine to twelve dollars depending on levels of deliciousness.
With an unlimited AD budget, add or subtract one thing to your school's gameday experience that has nothing to do with football.
Pep rallies are officially moved back to Stepan Center until the approved demolition of said dilapidated fieldhouse. Students only with a TV feed to the rest of the masses at the Joyce Center. A general atmosphere of youthful furor shall be encouraged and/or shown a blind eye as hordes of students filled with Irish "spirits" raise the roof without having to concern themselves with playing nice for the older set. No fancy celebrities or motivational speakers, just thirty minutes of sweat, screaming, marching bands, and the occasional word from a team member saying something along the lines of "Tonight, we play Beanville. Tonight, we beat Beanville."
General NCAA questions
Coin a hilariously unrealistic stereotype that you would like to "make stick" for this upcoming season.
All of the Florida State coaching staff is currently living in a four-bedroom condo in Del Boca Vista. Outside of their regular footballing activities, Bobby, Chuck, and Jimbo all enjoy playing bridge, attending senior mixers, grabbing Early Bird specials, and dealing with the foibles of their silver years. Later in the season, a cantankerous Betty White will move in to play Amato's lovable Italian mother. Hilarity ensues.
Redesign your conference or independent schedule with reckless abandon. Be prepared to include compensation for jilted schools and conferences in your explanation.
Every conference is getting a championship game, come hell or high water. Let's forget about the strawman of student-athlete concerns and go straight to admitting we're all in this for the money.
Starting with the Big XII: TCU and Arkansas are in, bringing everyone closer to the old SWC days. Rice, SMU, and Houston would come along for the ride as well, but since they feature heavily in the regions non-conference games, I didn't worry about messing things up for everyone else. Iowa State and Missouri are out.
Out to the Big Ten, which loses Penn State, and is realigned to two conferences. Iowa, ISU, Mizzou, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois to the West with Northwestern, Indiana, Purdue, Michigan, MSU, and Ohio State to the East...give or take an Illinois.
Penn State hooks up with Pitt and WVU in the Big East, adding Marshall and Memphis to the mix for backyard brawling fun. Unfortunately, the largest sacrifice is Louisville to the SEC. A split basketball/football arrangement may be made for appeasement.
Louisville, now in the SEC East, bumps Georgia to the SEC West. The World's Largest Jacksonville based outdoor coke orgy and alcohol exposition remains intact.
Out West, BYU and Utah link up with the new PAC-12 as the MWC, WAC, and C-USA realign the remains.
The MAC is surprisingly blemish free to continue their up and coming mid-major ways.
Following up on your new realignment, blow up the BCS and devise a national playoff system, money grabs and missed exams be damned. Using your new fantasy conferences is optional.
Traditional bowl alignments are reinstated with the exception of a rotating "plus-one playoff" circus gracing each of the traditional sites once every four years. The new Final Four will play a day-night double header at the home site on New Years Day, with a national final to be played the following weekend, creating a two-week festival surrounding four games. Keeping the traditional bowl matchups intact, an additional bowl game will be played at a nearby alternate site. For example, on the Rose Bowl's turn, the national semifinals would be played at the LA Coliseum (finals at the Rose Bowl) while the PAC-10/Big Ten granddaddy would still be played in Pasadena.
This would be last year's bowls based on the new system, bowls that lose a top 4 team may select any eligible at-large, automatic berths apply:
Rose Bowl: Southern Cal vs. Wisconsin or at-large
Fiesta Bowl: OU vs. at-large (At Univ. of Phoenix Stadium)
Orange Bowl: ACC vs. at-large
Sugar Bowl: Arkansas or at-large vs. at-large
Semi-finals: OSU vs LSU (At Univ. of Phoenix Stadium), Florida vs. Michigan (at Sun-Devil Stadium)
Finals at Univ. of Phoenix Stadium
"Alternate sites" for other title game sites could include the LA Coliseum, Death Valley, and Dolphins Stadium
Elect one public figure to replace NCAA president Myles Brand. Anyone with proper name recognition is eligible.
FireMarkMay.com would like to nominate soon to be retired Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling. The man certainly takes no guff from anyone, would shoot straight through the bullshit and start cracking some university president skulls. We are confident he would run on a trust-busting , student-athlete liberation platform, and since he is already proficient in the ways of Everquest and the blogverse, we know he will always have an ear to the tubes.
So, there you have it. Get the creative juices bubbling and lets stir up some manufactured controversy! It's only a matter of time before we start messing with NCAA 2008 all nimbly-pimbly, so fire it up internet! All I ask is that you link back to the pure Trev source in your responses so the kid can tally up any new blogs we don't have on the blogroll. Feel free to contact the editor if you'd like to drop him a line.
Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. They never let him on The Sports Reporters, but that's ok, because he never wanted to be on their stupid show anyway. Bob Ryan has old man stink.