Steely Trev

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

The official end to the offseason is in sight! Phil Steele has put everyone on the effing clock! It should take everyone roughly 2 months to read all of the tiny tiny tiny font in this year's 328-page behemoth. The heft of the publication makes many of the regular ladies circulars feel down-right anorexic. Double-checking this...nope, sorry Cosmo, the ads still make you look fat. How do I know this? None of your damn business! Moving on.

Since I feel like hitting the ground running on this in typical Trev fashion, I'm going to break down my first impressions on this football fonebook in rapid fire succession. Clips, dirty dirty clips, no analysis other than good, old-fashioned Trevtic impluses. However, before we begin, I'm going to ask that everyone put on their Steele Safety Goggles (tm). Can't be following along with all of that 6pt Helvetica without proper eye protection. Safety First!

Firz wen rdy!!1!1! k, thx lulz.

• pg. 18- Welcome to 2007 Phil Steele! You just paid $8.95 to learn that the SEC is the toughest conference. Congratulations! Coming up later in the issue: Mangino, still fat!
  
• pg. 22- #5 Surprise for the USF Bulls. The perennial darkhorses have just been greenlit for 2007 "trendy sleeper pick! ftw!" Over/under on ESPN running this as their own call is August 10th.
  
• pg. 27- Your for-reals top 5: Southern Cal, LSU, Oklahoma, WVU, and Michigan. I just have to check Tradesports... LSU and Oklahoma posted at equal odds. Feel free to freeroll those Tigers if you think they can go undefeated at home.
  
• pg. 30- Phil kicks off the team pags with a bang. Kentucky and Vanderbilt have more SEC first-teamers than Florida and Alabama. REALLY?!? Go crazy, folks! Go crazy!
• pg. 42- Yaw yaw yaw yaw YAAAA YAW YA YAW. BOWL INELIGBLE!
  
• pg. 54- I gotta check this Kentucky business. Ok, 8 home games and no ones got them winning 8 games. Remain calm, everyone. All is well.
• pg. 106- Boston College slotted at 6th in the Atlantic. Watching the pundits U-turn on that early sleeper pick is going to be splendiferous.
  
• pg. 174- TCU picked to go 11-1 again. I'm starting to think some of these write themselves.
• pg. 240- Phil reminds us all, especially the kid , that the Irish haven't won a bowl game in 14 years (!@#!$%%!*-IO). We're roughly 4 months away from at least one crackpot writing the "Oh how the mighty have fallen" article about the Robot.
• pg. 311- The #5 experienced team in the country is Cincinnati. I don't know what that means, but it probably means something that Louisville is #9. WVU and Rutgers? Not so much.
  

Please remove your goggles, everyone. That's enough for now. OWWWW! Man, that stings. The knowledge, so mind-bendingly thorough. Mr. Steele, you have our gratitude.

Trev Alberts is a legitmate sports journalist in his own right. He enjoys taking Cosmo quizzes.