Sell by Sep. 1st: Preseason Blogpoll

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

We are nigh on to 11 days remaining in this fleeting preseason. Time to put in our first official ballot for the Blogpoll, even if I'm not official, and even if it's not officially started. Considering you need to be in the preseason to make a preseason poll, now is as good a time as ever. I've been able to distract the kid with various football distractions and Guitar Hero 80's, so let's get this over with.

1. Southern Cal
2. LSU
3. Texas
   
4. West Virginia
5. Michigan
6. Oklahoma
   
7. Louisville
8. Virginia Tech
9. Florida State
10. Ohio State
11. UCLA
12. Oregon
13. Florida
14. Penn State
15. Wisconsin
16. South Carolina
17. California
18. Nebraska
19. Alabama
20. Missouri
21. Texas A&M
22. Georgia Tech
23. Iowa
24. South Florida
25. Hawaii

Comments, Observations, various unfounded preseason Speculation:

1-5: USC, LSU, Texas, WfnVU, Michigan-
You're odds on favorites to win the coveted BCS auto-bids, and heir apparents for the national title game. Southern Cal and LSU are my defacto 1-2 based on combination of talent and schedules. Texas comes in at 3 because I have them as a slight favorite to win the Red River Big XII Title game. WVU get Louisville at home and are otherwise freaking ridiculous. Michigan is here with ND, THE Ohio, and Penn State at home, and are current kings of the Big Ten hill until someone knocks them off.

6-10: Oklahoma, Louisville, Virginia Tech, Florida State, Ohio State-
This is a tricky area, especially considering the entire muddle that is ranks 4-10 this preseason. There's a lot more question marks than anyone would like to admit, and no one has the Trevosity of one such as myself. It boils down to this for my preseason prognostickery: Who would you rather be in NCAA 2008? Texas over OU, UM over OSU, WfnVU>>>>>>Louisville. Technically, if I held 2008 standard to my entire top 25, WVU would be 1-3, followed by USC, and Hawaii, Penn State, and Notre Dame would be ranked irrationally high. VT/FSU belong up here as the predicted class of the ACC with some favorable scheduling to boot. Ohio State rounds out the rest as they only play 3 games, and get 8 preseason tuneups to work out the kinks.

11-15: UCLA, Oregon, Florida, Penn State, Wisconsin-
The required "2-3 losses, but maybe less with some help" section. Previously dominated by soon-to-be meat-grinded SEC bellweathers, this year's poll is foolish enough to believe that any of these teams has the opportunity to pull a fast one on Southern Cal or Michigan, or, in Florida's case, get out of their SEC schedule alive. Penn State has the slight schedule edge on Wisconsin, and we're already penciling in UCLA and Oregon for prime spots in a PAC-10 Wheel of Death.

16-20: South Carolina, California, Nebraska, Alabama, Missouri-
Someone has to win the Big XII North, and I'm already getting ready to watch my 'Huskers lose to their title game by 40 points. It's actually an honor to be sacrificed for Dr. Pepper. South Carolina and Alabama get in as teams that can make me look smart despite losing their divisions. Missouri begrudgingly rounds out the end, just in case they live up to the hype.

21-25: Texas A&M, Georgia Tech, Iowa, USF, Hawaii-
Darkhorse. Darkhorse. Darkhorse. Darkhorse. Colt Brennan. He plays in the WAC. A great WAC team is always 25th, crossing their fingers for some kind computer help, not unlike the movie SpaceCamp. The Aggies and Yellow Jackets have their work cut out for them, and I'd take A&M in a fight. Iowa gets the obligatory Big Ten BYE schedule...maybe they won't screw it up. USF is almost cliche, but I'm riding it to hell.

Also receiving an undisclosed amount of unordered votes:
Auburn, Tennessee, Notre Dame, Rutgers, Georgia, Arizona State, and Duke (1)-
Anyone of these teams, except for Duke, could be in the 15-25 range by mid-September. All it takes is a few stumbles or, in the Volunteers' case, dousing Cal in moonshine and lighting them on fire. Arizona State, again they tempt me, convincing everyone else that they should be someone to watch, now with 100% more crazy Erickson, so I'll throw them into the the honorable mention category. Rutgers may just outlast their sophomore slump, and a low top 25 season would be certainly commendable. The Irish are an enigma wrapped in a riddle, so to keep the kid drawing spirals on the office fixtures and muttering about secret robot transmissions, I'm throwing them firmly in the "possible potential" category.

Trev Alberts is a licensed CSTV football talking guy. Excuse him while he drops a truth bomb.

The running of the voles

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Today marks a great day in the history of this unborn college football season, the official blog premiere of the Las Vegas proposition bets, first appearing over at The Wizard of Odds. Before I get to a more specific analysis of the early returns, a more in-depth look at the rich history and the glorious tradition of the secret world of the bookmakers, also known as the American Rotary Club.

The shadowy organization known to us as the Rotary Club is actually an intricate network of degenerate gamblers, organized only by their depravity, shielded from prying eyes through their enormously generous charitable donations and accompanying pancake breakfasts. Buffalo bruncheons were canceled in 1836 due to scarcity. The Rotrarians worship Fate and all of its fortuitous whimsy, symbolized by the circular gear in their logo. The Gear was added in 1921 further disguise themselves as a legitimate industrial concern. Andrew Carnegie's cousin, Silas Carnegie, the famous vole-shipping magnate, was a legendary member behind the change and also famous for correctly wagering on the Boxer Rebellion, but none of this is important. Present Day, the crux of the Rotary Club's power and influence lies in Las Vegas, where they pull the hidden strings on the entire local gaming industry and practice their bizarre rituals in the underground meeting centers of oft-neglected downtown casinos. Rotrarians are the true setters of the Vegas line, a blood line that has been passed down since the days of King Solomon, and determine all proposition bets in the dark ritual known only as Four-legged Rounders. Every July, following the traditional feast of the Luprecal, and just before the local pancake breakfast, hordes of members flood the underground passageways bunkered beneath The Mint casino. There amongst the discarded table felt and copious supplies of slave labor, they meet in their inner-sanctum of book-making, home to their spinning arena.

The game is simple. A large spinning wheel covers the surface of the arena floor, and the perimeter of said wheel contains 51 identical holes, each labeled with the previous year's top 50 football teams. The 51st spot is left vacant in homage to Gamblor, their neon diety. In recent years, this spot has been known to represent "the field," when applicable. At the third call of the conch horn, all assembled members proceed to sing the sacred Rotrarian hymn, Camptown Races in the traditional French. Following the coda, 51 four-legged woodland creatures, ranging from the smallest marmot to the mangiest skunkbear are let loose upon the twirling battlefield. Each "varmint" has a number between 4 to 11 (accounting for half-steps) painted upon its greasy coat in indelible ink. When a forest-dweller reaches a marked hole by either mortal combat or fleeing, the opening line is set for the corresponding team. The result is a beautifully gamy display of chance in its purest form.

With that exposition out of the way, let's take a look at some of the early results:

Regular season victories(Team must play all regular season games for action. Bowl and conference championship games do not count.)

10.5
Louisiana State
-A true challenge of the over/under, basically a straight-up bet on LSU's "for real"-ness and "run-the-table"-osity. The added .5 makes this a head-scratcher.

10
Louisville, Michigan, Oklahoma, Texas
-The "of course THEY'll be good, right?" group, teetering on the edge of awesomeness while threatening all with the masked shame of 9 wins. The only real purchase should be Louisville, as they tend to only play 2 real games anyway. The other three retain the right to break your heart.

9.5
California, Florida, Florida State, Penn State
-A much more clear-cut group. Cal and Florida are strong buys to get 10 wins while both Florida and Penn State still struggle to show they can win without playing the games on paper. On talent alone, the whole set is underpriced.

9
Auburn, Georgia, Nebraska, Ohio State, Tennessee, UCLA
-An extremely tricky group as each team has a little voice inside them that screams "8 and 4." Not every SEC team can have 10 wins, can they? UCLA is probably most likely to get 9 or more with Nebraska and Ohio State's schedules helping them bring up the rear.

8.5
Alabama, Iowa, Miami
-A set that can only be described as "you don't know any better." These teams sound like they could get 9 wins, but what do we really know? Dark horses all around. Optimism leans towards Alabama and pessimism away from Iowa and Miami.

8
Arkansas, Clemson, Texas Tech
-This entire set just gives me a bad feeling. Enticing, considering previous accomplishments and/or potentially explosive offensivity, but overall, I would simply just stay away then wait for a push.

7.5
Kansas State, Notre Dame, Texas A&M
-Notre Dame and A&M have the ability to get 8 wins, so this one's basically for Aggies and Irish fans. K-State just feels like a stretch.

7
Arizona, Georgia Tech, Oregon, South Carolina
-Two teams who will flirt with 7 wins and two teams who will get 7 wins on their heads. I'll let the readers pan it out.

6
Kansas
-The fat man is worth 6 wins alone.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN analyst. He enjoys a good tasty vole every now and again.

Steely Trev

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

The official end to the offseason is in sight! Phil Steele has put everyone on the effing clock! It should take everyone roughly 2 months to read all of the tiny tiny tiny font in this year's 328-page behemoth. The heft of the publication makes many of the regular ladies circulars feel down-right anorexic. Double-checking this...nope, sorry Cosmo, the ads still make you look fat. How do I know this? None of your damn business! Moving on.

Since I feel like hitting the ground running on this in typical Trev fashion, I'm going to break down my first impressions on this football fonebook in rapid fire succession. Clips, dirty dirty clips, no analysis other than good, old-fashioned Trevtic impluses. However, before we begin, I'm going to ask that everyone put on their Steele Safety Goggles (tm). Can't be following along with all of that 6pt Helvetica without proper eye protection. Safety First!

Firz wen rdy!!1!1! k, thx lulz.

• pg. 18- Welcome to 2007 Phil Steele! You just paid $8.95 to learn that the SEC is the toughest conference. Congratulations! Coming up later in the issue: Mangino, still fat!
  
• pg. 22- #5 Surprise for the USF Bulls. The perennial darkhorses have just been greenlit for 2007 "trendy sleeper pick! ftw!" Over/under on ESPN running this as their own call is August 10th.
  
• pg. 27- Your for-reals top 5: Southern Cal, LSU, Oklahoma, WVU, and Michigan. I just have to check Tradesports... LSU and Oklahoma posted at equal odds. Feel free to freeroll those Tigers if you think they can go undefeated at home.
  
• pg. 30- Phil kicks off the team pags with a bang. Kentucky and Vanderbilt have more SEC first-teamers than Florida and Alabama. REALLY?!? Go crazy, folks! Go crazy!
• pg. 42- Yaw yaw yaw yaw YAAAA YAW YA YAW. BOWL INELIGBLE!
  
• pg. 54- I gotta check this Kentucky business. Ok, 8 home games and no ones got them winning 8 games. Remain calm, everyone. All is well.
• pg. 106- Boston College slotted at 6th in the Atlantic. Watching the pundits U-turn on that early sleeper pick is going to be splendiferous.
  
• pg. 174- TCU picked to go 11-1 again. I'm starting to think some of these write themselves.
• pg. 240- Phil reminds us all, especially the kid , that the Irish haven't won a bowl game in 14 years (!@#!$%%!*-IO). We're roughly 4 months away from at least one crackpot writing the "Oh how the mighty have fallen" article about the Robot.
• pg. 311- The #5 experienced team in the country is Cincinnati. I don't know what that means, but it probably means something that Louisville is #9. WVU and Rutgers? Not so much.
  

Please remove your goggles, everyone. That's enough for now. OWWWW! Man, that stings. The knowledge, so mind-bendingly thorough. Mr. Steele, you have our gratitude.

Trev Alberts is a legitmate sports journalist in his own right. He enjoys taking Cosmo quizzes.