Week 2 Rundown: Sunday Morning MegaPost 3rdMix Beatdown Revolution XIII!

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Wow....that really escalated quickly. A long fulfilling day of college football and libations, leaving me bleary eyed and definitely not 100% "awares" this Sunday morning. Unable to sleep off whatever the hell it is I drank yesterday, let's get down to the business, I don't think it's going to look good for the Trev, but it could be worse, I could be our editor! Hey kid, I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think your reaction to the Irish's latest defeat involved you tearing down the neighbor's house with your bare hands! Impressive.



The just as demolished scoreboard:

Week 2:
Against the Spread: 9-11
Straight Up: 15-5

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 18-20
Straight up: 29-9

Holy hell! Get thee behind me Week 2! Simply stunning. I picked Akron to win? What the hell was I on? Kid, you've got to advise me on some of this stuff, especially when I've been drinking. Hey zeus, man, that's like....55% of your job or something? I don't know, my head is just swimming in defeat right now. I can't believe I'm the only one who can't sleep off last night's destructive forces.

Let's just get on with this, but first, a quick note from the interns' field trip to Northwestern-Nevada, probably one of the unheralded great finishes of the weekend. The Wildcats come from behind in the last minute to put away the Wolfpack, and like 2000 total yards or offense to boot. Free tickets, free parking, free Pistol, free parking shuttle school bus, and free....FOODBALL!


That about says it all, right there: GO FOODBALL! Let me officially declare that the Trev fully endorses the Foodball. The beauty of Foodball is a joy forever, so sayeth the Me, and really, that's what its all about. Oh..."He's not making fun of children, is he??!?" YES HE IS!

Rutgers 41-Navy 24
It was a noble effort, young seamen, but Rutgers laid the woodwork to you. That sentence is like 2 drinks for entendres, for those keeping track at home. I still love America, but I really wish America could cover the freaking spread.

West Virginia 48-Marshall 23
The Thundering Herd put the irregular plural scare into the Mountaineers, but it just wasn't enough to take home the Flaming Couch Bowl title. WfnVU marches on.

Nebraska 20-Wake Forest 17
CALLAHAN! I will cut you, Callahan, and that is the freaking truth! How the heck did do you only manage to get 20 up on Wake Forest? No disrespect, Deacons, but let's be real for a second. This is freaking Nebraska, and we should be Husking you right back to the ACC status quo, if only out of principle. This new order of Nebraska-Wake Forest being a close game is totally messing with my head.

Oklahoma 51-Miami of Florida 13
OU, Superteam FC (tm)....That was....unexpected. You seem to....um....have some offense there. I...don't really want to mess with any of that. Thank you very much. All Sooner touchdowns in the air, you say? Fascinating. Miami of Florida....thanks for coming out?

Ohio State 20-Akron 2
Son of a! That's just sloppy there, picking Akron to win. Hubris! Hubris I say! But, if you told me that the Zips would have gotten a safety AND be only down 2-3 at the Half, I would have punched you in the mouth like one of them boxing Kangaroos and called you a damn, dirty liar! That doesn't change the fact that all of us in the Media Center were pulling for the 4-3 double safety upset! Your'e still not off the hook, BTN!

Clemson 49-Louisiana Monroe 26
CJ Spiller ran back in time to defeat the Louisiana Purchase. This is my only explanation for the Tigers failing to cover, some sort of space-time paradox business. Word to he wise, Trevonic disciples, when a blowout game is OFF and suddenly goes ON at the last minute, stay the F away. I was certainly trapped by that one. Fair play, Gamblor.

California 34-Colorado State 28
You disappoint me yet again, Cal. Pulling this underachieving business like you always always do when I'm ready to put the full faith of the Trev on your speedy shoulders. You get out-gained by the Rams, and need 3 turnovers to bail you out of this trap game. I guess you get some credit for shutting them down in the second half, but you should have run away with it. Hell yeah, irrational expectations!

Washington 24-Boise State 10
Fire, blood rain, dogs and cats living together, MASS HYSTERIA! UW is getting a dose of the good 'ol TW magic we've all become accustomed to seeing about once every 5 years or so. Good on the Huskies, those players need something to feel good about for once, but I get the feeling this is like those years in EA NCAA where someone finds that one broken play and keeps running it over and over again until someone cracks it, with devastating regression to the mean. Jailbreak screen!

Texas A&M 47-Fresno State 45
So much for grinding the Bulldogs into submission. The Aggies get out alive in 3 OTs, but I'm still scratching my head trying to figure out how the heck they let Pat Hill's boys score 45. Is it 2005 again?

South Carolina 16-Georgia 12
You are totally welcome, Georgia. I don't know why I'm disliking you so much this year. Really, I can't for the life of me have a good reason to think you're not great, but the visor locked you down, and that just makes me smile.

Florida 59-Troy 31
We all have our new demons in this young season. Michigan has it's kittens....lots and lots of kittens...Notre Dame's having it's problems running a college offense with toddlers, Nebraska still can't figure out if they're any good, and Florida has to be concerned that Troy got 31 points. I'm sure this victory has some Gator fans feeling a little unclean this morning.

UCLA 27-BYU 17
10 points better! The Bruins hold BYU to an anemic 42 yards on the ground and win a tough game in good team fashion. UCLA, the new Cal?

Tennessee 39-Southern Miss 19
No letdown here. The Vols get some hits in on the body bag to let out last week's aggression.

Texas 34-TCU 13
Another team that just never seems to get it done when you expect them to break through. TCU, I want to be a fan so very much, but you keep letting me down like this. In a classic Valenti, you had the Horns making mistakes and you just didn't MAKE PLAYS! You let Mack Brown feed them pudding, and after the half, Texas became Texas again. MAKE PLAYS!

Hawaii 45-Louisiana Tech 44
Colt Brennan escapes the upset as the LA Tech whatever-they-ares fail to convert in OT. That about sums it up. Warriors fail to blowout, grasp desperately for the shootout win, and pull it out. WAC-tastic!

South Florida 26-Auburn 23
USF! USF! Let's hear it for the Bulls! After weeks, nay months, of preseason sleeper hype, the trendy darkhorses actually came through! It's damn refreshing to say the least. Auburn is in that rare territory where they're not getting any kind of credit for beating anyone, but anyone who takes them down gets a healthy dose of street cred. I'm all about the Bulls getting it done if they can keep these games close and get the wins in the clutch. USF!

Louisiana State 48-Virginia Tech 7
AD's of America, when LSU asks you to play in Death Valley, and they say its gonna be a night game, and the start time is 8pm local, the answer is always an emphatic no! Dark voodoo magic, the hordes of marathon tailgaters, darkness over taking the field. That is a bad place down there, mama. The Tigers have their official coming out party for 2007, and it's brutal.

Wisconsin 20-UNLV 13
Ugh. UNLV puts up an unexpected fight in a game that I can only assume had something to do with the fact it was in the most distracting city in the world. You'd think a team from Madison would be able to fight off their partying urges, but I guess Vegas Power is an unstoppable force.

Penn State 31-Notre Dame 10
An entire nation of Irish fans should be writing Lloyd Carr love letters right now because his glorious implosion in Ann Arbor, and it is glorious, is diverting all the good ink away from ND's "rebuilding." Who said that? There's that word again. No matter how you sugar coat it, it's clearly the case. There are just so many mistakes, critical mistakes, fundamental mistakes, that are the markings of a young team. The Robot Catholics are losing faith by the handfuls, and the schedule is merciless. Penn State was able to capitalize on the gifts of field position and lack of offense, but the Irish D once again get some kind of moral victory....I think....They're getting better and better? Though, you'd think they wouldn't have been intimidated by 100,000 white people.

Now onto the clinical precision of a lazy NFL Sunday. I'm sure my eventual nap will be ruined by some kind of Bears Free Money nonsense. This weekend is far from over, and the forecast is pain. My liver hurts.

Trev Alberts used to work for ESPN. He once got time and a half to tear down the set of RPM 2Night with his bare hands.

It's a Do Over....except for you, Michigan.

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Well the kid has finally worked out the kinks in the new office pool, and I've also finally remembered to start one up. Good on me for my timeliness, because last week's business was both fake and very, very real.

Cutting to the chase, I invite, nay, challenge all of you, more accurately the next 48 of you, to take me on in a competition of college confidencery! Do you has what it takes?! All your picks belong to the Trev! Standard Trevonics rates do not apply. Here's the kid with the finer points of these internet tubes:

Yahoo! memberships are required, and the group holds 50 people. If we get that high, hooray for everything, but you don't get in, you have only yourself to blame. We admittedly dropped the ball last week in getting the word out, but whatever, our bad.

Official rules:
Confidence scoring. More points=more confidence.
You have 5 minutes before this weeks Friday night matchup to set your picks.
We'll drop the lowest 2 scores, this is mainly to wipe out Mr. Alberts' current 110 point lead for cheating last weekend.
The phony wagerer with the most points at the end of the season will win a nominal prize to be determined.

Group ID#: 22011
password: trev

Click here to log into the FireMarkMay confidence pool. All hail Lord Gamblor!


Trev Alberts is a former ESPN guessing guy. He will crush you in his neon grip.

The running of the voles

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Today marks a great day in the history of this unborn college football season, the official blog premiere of the Las Vegas proposition bets, first appearing over at The Wizard of Odds. Before I get to a more specific analysis of the early returns, a more in-depth look at the rich history and the glorious tradition of the secret world of the bookmakers, also known as the American Rotary Club.

The shadowy organization known to us as the Rotary Club is actually an intricate network of degenerate gamblers, organized only by their depravity, shielded from prying eyes through their enormously generous charitable donations and accompanying pancake breakfasts. Buffalo bruncheons were canceled in 1836 due to scarcity. The Rotrarians worship Fate and all of its fortuitous whimsy, symbolized by the circular gear in their logo. The Gear was added in 1921 further disguise themselves as a legitimate industrial concern. Andrew Carnegie's cousin, Silas Carnegie, the famous vole-shipping magnate, was a legendary member behind the change and also famous for correctly wagering on the Boxer Rebellion, but none of this is important. Present Day, the crux of the Rotary Club's power and influence lies in Las Vegas, where they pull the hidden strings on the entire local gaming industry and practice their bizarre rituals in the underground meeting centers of oft-neglected downtown casinos. Rotrarians are the true setters of the Vegas line, a blood line that has been passed down since the days of King Solomon, and determine all proposition bets in the dark ritual known only as Four-legged Rounders. Every July, following the traditional feast of the Luprecal, and just before the local pancake breakfast, hordes of members flood the underground passageways bunkered beneath The Mint casino. There amongst the discarded table felt and copious supplies of slave labor, they meet in their inner-sanctum of book-making, home to their spinning arena.

The game is simple. A large spinning wheel covers the surface of the arena floor, and the perimeter of said wheel contains 51 identical holes, each labeled with the previous year's top 50 football teams. The 51st spot is left vacant in homage to Gamblor, their neon diety. In recent years, this spot has been known to represent "the field," when applicable. At the third call of the conch horn, all assembled members proceed to sing the sacred Rotrarian hymn, Camptown Races in the traditional French. Following the coda, 51 four-legged woodland creatures, ranging from the smallest marmot to the mangiest skunkbear are let loose upon the twirling battlefield. Each "varmint" has a number between 4 to 11 (accounting for half-steps) painted upon its greasy coat in indelible ink. When a forest-dweller reaches a marked hole by either mortal combat or fleeing, the opening line is set for the corresponding team. The result is a beautifully gamy display of chance in its purest form.

With that exposition out of the way, let's take a look at some of the early results:

Regular season victories(Team must play all regular season games for action. Bowl and conference championship games do not count.)

10.5
Louisiana State
-A true challenge of the over/under, basically a straight-up bet on LSU's "for real"-ness and "run-the-table"-osity. The added .5 makes this a head-scratcher.

10
Louisville, Michigan, Oklahoma, Texas
-The "of course THEY'll be good, right?" group, teetering on the edge of awesomeness while threatening all with the masked shame of 9 wins. The only real purchase should be Louisville, as they tend to only play 2 real games anyway. The other three retain the right to break your heart.

9.5
California, Florida, Florida State, Penn State
-A much more clear-cut group. Cal and Florida are strong buys to get 10 wins while both Florida and Penn State still struggle to show they can win without playing the games on paper. On talent alone, the whole set is underpriced.

9
Auburn, Georgia, Nebraska, Ohio State, Tennessee, UCLA
-An extremely tricky group as each team has a little voice inside them that screams "8 and 4." Not every SEC team can have 10 wins, can they? UCLA is probably most likely to get 9 or more with Nebraska and Ohio State's schedules helping them bring up the rear.

8.5
Alabama, Iowa, Miami
-A set that can only be described as "you don't know any better." These teams sound like they could get 9 wins, but what do we really know? Dark horses all around. Optimism leans towards Alabama and pessimism away from Iowa and Miami.

8
Arkansas, Clemson, Texas Tech
-This entire set just gives me a bad feeling. Enticing, considering previous accomplishments and/or potentially explosive offensivity, but overall, I would simply just stay away then wait for a push.

7.5
Kansas State, Notre Dame, Texas A&M
-Notre Dame and A&M have the ability to get 8 wins, so this one's basically for Aggies and Irish fans. K-State just feels like a stretch.

7
Arizona, Georgia Tech, Oregon, South Carolina
-Two teams who will flirt with 7 wins and two teams who will get 7 wins on their heads. I'll let the readers pan it out.

6
Kansas
-The fat man is worth 6 wins alone.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN analyst. He enjoys a good tasty vole every now and again.

Steely Trev

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

The official end to the offseason is in sight! Phil Steele has put everyone on the effing clock! It should take everyone roughly 2 months to read all of the tiny tiny tiny font in this year's 328-page behemoth. The heft of the publication makes many of the regular ladies circulars feel down-right anorexic. Double-checking this...nope, sorry Cosmo, the ads still make you look fat. How do I know this? None of your damn business! Moving on.

Since I feel like hitting the ground running on this in typical Trev fashion, I'm going to break down my first impressions on this football fonebook in rapid fire succession. Clips, dirty dirty clips, no analysis other than good, old-fashioned Trevtic impluses. However, before we begin, I'm going to ask that everyone put on their Steele Safety Goggles (tm). Can't be following along with all of that 6pt Helvetica without proper eye protection. Safety First!

Firz wen rdy!!1!1! k, thx lulz.

• pg. 18- Welcome to 2007 Phil Steele! You just paid $8.95 to learn that the SEC is the toughest conference. Congratulations! Coming up later in the issue: Mangino, still fat!
  
• pg. 22- #5 Surprise for the USF Bulls. The perennial darkhorses have just been greenlit for 2007 "trendy sleeper pick! ftw!" Over/under on ESPN running this as their own call is August 10th.
  
• pg. 27- Your for-reals top 5: Southern Cal, LSU, Oklahoma, WVU, and Michigan. I just have to check Tradesports... LSU and Oklahoma posted at equal odds. Feel free to freeroll those Tigers if you think they can go undefeated at home.
  
• pg. 30- Phil kicks off the team pags with a bang. Kentucky and Vanderbilt have more SEC first-teamers than Florida and Alabama. REALLY?!? Go crazy, folks! Go crazy!
• pg. 42- Yaw yaw yaw yaw YAAAA YAW YA YAW. BOWL INELIGBLE!
  
• pg. 54- I gotta check this Kentucky business. Ok, 8 home games and no ones got them winning 8 games. Remain calm, everyone. All is well.
• pg. 106- Boston College slotted at 6th in the Atlantic. Watching the pundits U-turn on that early sleeper pick is going to be splendiferous.
  
• pg. 174- TCU picked to go 11-1 again. I'm starting to think some of these write themselves.
• pg. 240- Phil reminds us all, especially the kid , that the Irish haven't won a bowl game in 14 years (!@#!$%%!*-IO). We're roughly 4 months away from at least one crackpot writing the "Oh how the mighty have fallen" article about the Robot.
• pg. 311- The #5 experienced team in the country is Cincinnati. I don't know what that means, but it probably means something that Louisville is #9. WVU and Rutgers? Not so much.
  

Please remove your goggles, everyone. That's enough for now. OWWWW! Man, that stings. The knowledge, so mind-bendingly thorough. Mr. Steele, you have our gratitude.

Trev Alberts is a legitmate sports journalist in his own right. He enjoys taking Cosmo quizzes.