Updated: Monday, March 05, 2007

ESPN:The Weeknd pt. 2 :: Trev's guide through Epcot



Continuing from EDSBS' trek across ESPN's Magic Kingdom, Mr. Alberts took the baton this weekend to explore the not-as-wonderful-but-at-least-marginally-educational world of Epcot (Formerly doing business as EPCOT and Epcot '98) Relive his fact-filled day through the magic of the internet and map captioning.-IO

1. "Good morning and welcome to Epcot! I'm the Trev, and I'll be your tour guide through this weekend's 'fascinating' slate of events for the always exciting 'ESPN:The Weekend'"! Lame. Well, that's enough of the "approved" copy. Let's see what we've got here at the entrance plaza. Normally, the soothing strains of Yanni's half-brother would be inviting us all to open our minds to the piped presentations of huge faceless corporations, but this special weekend, the worldwide leader has hired minorly acclaimed composer, John Tesh. Today will be painful....I freaking HATE John Tesh.

2. Enter Spaceship Earth, the iconic "golfball" of Epcot. This weekend, it's been turned into Rob Neyer's "Stats through the ages." Son of a... It was 15 minutes of poindexter crunching numbers. You'd think they would have recorded his voice-over or something, but NO. So few people wanted to ride this trainwreck that he was able to personally narrate for everyone! Its 8am, and I've already learned what the opposite of fun is.

3. Staggering back into the light, I amble over to that random dinosaur ride. Today, I get to learn about fossil fuels as Beano Cook hosts "Big Ten Offenses: a Retrospectacle!" How this place hasn't burned to the ground yet is anyone's guess. Little known facts, Beano Cook smokes like a chimney AND those robot dinosaurs are more flammable than they look. To my further disappointment, these robot dinosaurs were NOT robots that transformed into dinosaurs. That's just false advertising...

4. The Wonders of Life with special guest Shawn Kemp. Yeah...um...have fun with that...pass...

5. New corporate synergies, hoorah! It's the NASCARNow set at GM's Test Track! I am totally psyched to spend the next hour learning about Boris whatshisname's trials in the Busch truck series! COME ON! Really, ESPN? You couldn't give up 20 minutes for my morning-time smile hour pilot, but you'll give these whackjobs a nightly show to discuss puff pieces on their struggles with drag coefficients?!?!? I am going to light this set on fire.

6. A small break to Innoventions as I school small children consistently and thoroughly at Xbox. Yeah, the contest has a twelve and over division, but I snuck my way into the 8-10 group just so I could pwn that much harder. Sorry kid, life's not fair, you should have to learn that when your parents take you to Epcot.

7. Crossing the futuristic world of whatsits to head over to the constantly under-construction aquarium, I came across Harold Reynolds inappropriately touching most of the cast from "Finding Nemo."

8. At The Land pavilion, Bill Romanowski is teaching us all about better living through organically engineered foodstuffs. His one-man revue "Mexican pharmacias and YOU" is put on hiatus due to liver failure in the 10:15 show.

9. In an unsettling mix of cross-promotion, Kodak's attraction becomes "Journey into Lee Corso's Imagination." There are somethings you can't unsee, folks.

10. With all of that boring science crap out of the way and millions of singing Lee Corso's permanently burned into my retinas, I head out to the World Showcase for the serious portion of the day. I don't think I need to tell you that "Drinking Around the World" was planned from the get-go. I begin in Mexico, ordering dos Dos Equis from Pedro Gomez, and proceed to double fist my way to victory.

11. Norway! Carlsberg's super-malty refreshing goodness for all! Thank you, Tuomo Ruutu! No wait, that's just a decorative Norsk troll...and isn't he Finnish? Checking. Checking. No one knows! Moving on!

12. Yao Ming! Yao Ming Yao Ming Yao Ming.......He towers over all, giving non-obese children free piggyback rides according to need. I attempt to join in on the fun after a few Tsingtaos, but I am quickly escorted away. Damn Red Chinese....

13. Germany, sweet sweet Bierhaused Germany. Spaten, Bitburger, und...und.....und Becks? UND BECKS! I am so happy right now that there arent any boring thrill rides to take my time and efforts away from "Mr. Trev's Wild Ride." I drink Dirk Nowitzki under the table and head on to Italy. Why? Because there's no Poland, that's why!

14. Italy, your dry Peronis are an affront to my whimsical tour of the beers of many lands. On the other hand, they sure do go down easy. In a perfectly harmless segue, let me just say that Mike Piazza's presentation on historic Italian-American baseball players' mistress' was a thorough anthology on the subject.

15. "The American Adventure with Peter Gammons", an entertaining one-man show featuring everyone's favorite 2,000 year old baseball purist as he plays delightful ragtime parodies skewering our nation's pastime. It didn't take that many Budweisers to enjoy his lovable dodderings, but I didn't think a 10-minute ballad on the "bastards of the DH" was necessary.

16. Slowly but surely, I power to Japan to get a dose of Asahi. Various Japanese baseball players are holding one of those giant drum recitals. I am starting to require some corrective lenses for my condition. All this alcohol in the blood, and I can't tell Hideo Nomo from Hideki Matsui.

17. Morocco....yeah...I got nothing.

18. On to France, where they have no fries, but allow me to headbutt Zinedine Zidane after a couple glasses of merlot. I'm getting pretty dizzy.

19. United Kingdom's pub allows me to load up on fish and chips with a Bass. After a quick pub lunch, the 1:05 Soccer Riot parade whisks me away in a haze of whiskey and more headbutts.

20. O! CANADA! One last round and I've made it. Unfortunately, Canadian beer is like moonshine. My Molson 3.0 is enjoyed while watching a kickass 360 movie on how much the Toronto Maple Leafs both suck and blow, narrated in French by Rocket Richard.

21. I catch a water taxi on the lagoon that just so happens to be driven by Kenny Mayne. Apparently, he switching between this and the Jungle Cruise to polish his own brand of idiosyncratic drivel. It's like winter ball for smarm. After the third non sequitir, I decide to wade my way back to shore. DONT WORRY EVERYONE, ITS ALL PART OF THE MAGIC!

22. I stumble ashore at the the Equatorial Africa refreshment stand. I am quickly detained.

23. My punishment is to ride Mission:Space until I pass out from the centrifugal force. It was either that or watch NASCARNow. I stand by my decision.

Trev Alberts is an expeirmental prototype commentator of tomorrow. His fireworks extravaganza can be seen nightly.

Labels:

33 comments

33 Comments:

Blogger Rusty said...

So Trev, you ran into the von Wolfhausens at EPCOT?

6:18 AM  
Blogger irishoutsider said...

Mr. Alberts' recollection of ESPN: The Weekend is hazy at best. He's still coming down from accidentially ingesting too much lagoon water and is currently referring to himself as "The Lizard King."

9:41 AM  
Blogger Galen said...

Hey Trev,

Don't pooh-pooh drag coefficients, there's life lessons to be learned there.

How in the hell did you visit the German section and not partake in Kolsch? Spaten? sure, to clense the palate, but if they had Kolsch and you said nein you need kicked in the head. I guess that goes without saying.

9:57 AM  
Anonymous The Baron said...

No Horizons reference? Color me disappointed.

I mean Christ, the ride was a friggin' Choose Your Own Adventure book. Only without all of the reading and an extra shot of awesomeness.

In fact, Horizons would probably have been the only way Trev could experience a Choose Your Own Adventure book...because he can't read.

That's right, I used Horizons to prove that Trev is illiterate.

That just happened.

9:03 PM  
Blogger IrishOutsider said...

We hear at FireMarkMay.com do not recognize the authority of any pavilion whose ride ran sideways, moving sidewalk or not. You don't see us crying about World of Motion or Journey into Imagination either...actually, the loss of old Figment is considered a war crime against our childhood....I don't want to talk about it.

I'll also have you know that after experiencing Epcot, Mr. Alberts has been inspired to be Hooked on Phonics by a court order.

9:39 PM  
Blogger Papa said...

Dude, you missed the custom dolls at the German pavilion. You can dress them in some really kinky stuff!

4:04 PM  
Anonymous Samari said...

Has Trev completed his mandatory community service yet?

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