Updated: Thursday, September 07, 2006

Boise Bloo: A Retrospectacle

While it may not be as exciting to the rest of the staff, tonight's Oregon State-Boise State matchup will be my first chance to see Broncos Stadium this season. Oh, how I've waited to see my beloved Broncos take that glorious blue field in the calm Idaho evening. It brings a tear to my eye. Really, it does. Let's take a look at the rich, storied tradition of this great stadium, a beautiful razzberry gumball amidst the vast potato fields of the American Northerlywest.

Broncos Stadium, a searing feast for the eyes.

Founded by Eskimos in the late 14th century, the land Broncos Stadium currently sits on was named "Adaadax^ aq^ada chugii" which is loosely translated as "Dad comes here to fish." Originally created as an Inuit gentleman's club, the first wigwam was ironically built on an ancient Indain burial ground. Preparing for eventual legal loopholes, the local tribesmen abandoned their not-so-surprisingly fallow adult entertainment business and established Idaho's first Indian-casino. Table gaming would not be discovered in the region until the American frontier movement, so the residents gambled on more traditional games, such as marmoset racing, fish tossing, and squirrel fights.

Releatively untouched throughout the Western expansion, Idaho natives were mainly

Sadie, depicted here in a 15th century woodcut.
bystanders to most instances of the region's history. The wagon trains had an unsettling obsession with reaching Oregon, the sugar beet boom was still decades away, and there was little, if any, inerference from nosy French fur trappers. With few meddling outsiders, the newly named Boise tribe founded the first university wholly owned and operated by an organized gambling concern. Original plans were to name the school after the current chieftan, a learned water buffalo named 'Sadie,' but those plans were quickly scrapped following the harsh winter of 1804, when the tribe relied on using every part of their leader to survive the elements. Upon completion of the first academic building in 1805, the school was named Boise Fisherman's College. Eventually, the school was run over by a combination of Mormons, "Equensu Oshya", and "The Man" in the early 20th century and renamed Boise State University. Broncos Stadium was then built on top of the ancient Indian casino that was built upon the even more ancient Indian burial ground.

The school was generally bland for the remainder of the century save a few

The real meaning of BlueTurf is drinking. Drinking and revenge.
needlepoint competitions, bouts with varying levels of prohibition, and the occasional unsolved murder-suicide. Then one night in 1978, a student by the name of Alvis Durmstrang had an epiphany. After weeks of cramming for his agricultural engineering finals, he finally splurged on a whole jug of his roommate's "XXX" brand moonshine. With the potent distilled potato vodka clouding his thoughts, he had a vision of none other than Boo Berry, the popular cereal mascot, fully clad in turn-of-the-century era football gear. Somehow, Alvis interpreted this as a sign to create blue FieldTurf. Historians argue on the validity of this account, but they all agree that that moonshine was powerful strong.

Alvis devoted his life to the the development of the blue turf, the most perfect of all of God's artificial surface creations. Finally installed in Broncos Stadium in 2002, the beautiful blue has ushered in a new era of WAC dominance, likely inspired by the inherent awesomeness of their playing field. It is known to kill ducks after they unknowingly dive into the harsh, unforgiving, "definitely not a lake" surface, and the field has been known to strike terror into the hearts of visiting opponents. Blinded by blue glamour at every possible turn, anyone facing the Broncos is sure to fail. Just as visiting tribesmen lost their possessions centuries ago, Boise State pummels their guests with the ferocity of a vicious fighting squirrel.

In conclusion, Boise is a land of many contrasts. The Beavers don't stand a chance.

Bloo is FireMarkMay's resident imaginary friend and receptionist. He is also the secretary of balloon doggies.



Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home