Week 1 Trevonics

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

With opening night out of the way, we can focus on the heart of the weekend and start picking apart the gooey, nougat center of Week 1. Let's take a look at last night's results:

Straight up:4-0
Against the Spread:3-1

I would have pulled the sweep if CMU had been just a bit more clumsy. That was a wild game that had been placed on the back burner here in the office as we chose to flip over to the ultimately uneventful USC-MSU scrumfest. Turns out we missed one of the most confusingly futile plays in college football, the swinging gate! Ultimately, BC pulled it out in the end as predicted, but they gave their fans a lovely case of schizophrenia that could be around for a while.

On to Saturday's TV action:

Michigan (-25.5) v. Vanderbilt 12pm EST (ESPN)
A rabid wolverine mauling a unsuspecting commodore in front of hordes of bloodlustful fans. Yeah, that about sums it up. This game is exiciting to exactly two kinds of people, Michigan fans and gamblers. Lloyd Carr takes the Harvard of the South to the woodshed, remains off the hotseat for at least one more week. The kid is torn between his seething dislike of Michigan and his desire to see the Irish maintain their high SOS, something about not burning down your neighbor's house to make yours look better. From experience, I can tell you that this is false. My house looks outstanding. Trev's pick: Michigan

Penn State (-16.5) v. Akron 330pm EST (ESPN2)
Continuing the theme of warmup games that sound like convincing opponents, Akron takes a licking in Happy Valley, steals some of JoePa's gold, and escapes to Ohio. I'm guessing just a few casualties as only 2 or 3 Zips are lost, their bones crushed to make Paterno's bread. The offense should run smoothly enough to cover the spread, as Akron points would probably have to involve turnovers caused by congenital heart failures. The Nittany Lions ride high going into South Bend next week. Trev's pick: Penn State

Oregon (-12) v. Stanford 330pm EST (ABC)
The Rollerballers take Walt Harris and his finely manicured, well-spoken tree-men to task in the hostile fields of Autzen. The kid has no problem watching that house burn down as he is still experiencing delayed after-effects from last year's ND-Stanford heart-stopper. Harris, pulling off the Harry Potter look quite nicely these days, will have the magic for at least one upset this season, just not this one. See that? See what I did there? Entendres are a sportswriter's best friend. Trev's pick: Oregon

Cal (1.5) at Tennessee 530pm EST (ESPN)
Already dubbed the Phil Steele Classic by most members of the CFB blog-verse, this game is definitely circled on everyone's schedule. If you are near a TV, and your team isn't playing, you are probably watching this game, a quality inter-sectional matchup. It sure beats the local team against local directional school. Cal has the Bears, Tedford's sharp hairstyle, and slick unis. That's enough "Trev-factors" for me. Besides, I really want to see Phil Fulmer stomp on his hat like he used to in "The Dukes of Hazzard." Trev's pick: Cal

Southern Cal (-8) at Arkansas 845pm EST (ESPN)
Another game with inter-sectional and Phil Steele appeal. ESPN's ex-girlfriend heads to Arkansas for a matchup with the trendy dark horse. Why are they the dark horse? This is why. The Trojans' concerns begin and end with "Can we reload?" and with all those VHT stars on their bench, they definitely have the talent. If Arkansas is really "77 points better" this year, does Carroll have his new regime ready? Probably. If not, things could get very interesting, very fast. Trev's pick: Southern Cal

Notre Dame (-7) at Georgia Tech 800pm EST (ABC)
I've saved the Notre Dame game for the last pick because as soon as I make my call my editor will be out-the-door in a haze of whiskey, plaid, and the Victory March. He's already got an intern dressed as an Irish Guardsman posted outside our office, my idea. Anyway, there is a lot of talk about this game being an upset, but the kid has reminded me that the offense is still controlled by a Genuis Robot Head Coach, and that rumors of the demise of the Irish defense are greatly exaggerated. I love robots, so there you go. Trev's pick: Notre Dame

We're going to shut it down for the day. Irish is currently filling the flasks and preparing his luggage for curbside check-in as he takes the reins of the Trev Mobile 1 down to Atlanta for copious amounts of football-based tourism. The interns have the Media Center all to themselves this weekend, and that's a freaking coup for them. I'm anticipating no less than 2 games on at any time and various unlicensed monkey knife fights.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN prognosticator. He thinks he'll have soup for lunch.