Time for Two-a-days
That's right! Roll out the barrels, roll up your sleeves, it's time to get back into the trenches. Its time to get back in game shape, up for game speed, and now is definitely NOT the time to say you can't take it. Practice, official practice, not this namby-pamby secret summer probably really mandatory crap either! Real practice! Real football! Praise be to Football Jeebus and all of the many fruits of his labor.
The kid's too busy losing ranked games on Xbox to keep everything in check, sloppy bastard, so its up to me to rally in the troops. Interns! It's time to tighten it up! We're doing two-a-days to get into fighting shape. Consider it tailgate practice. Keggers, steinhoists, AA meetings, bad Simpsons referencing, we're running the table, and if I catch any of you crumbbums not pulling your weight, you're going to get my neatly polished Trev-label wingtip right where your biscuits are baked.
Consider it fair warning. Consider it a return to Trevosity. I expect and demand everyone to hold up to my lofty standards of preseason preparation, and there WILL be a fitness test on Labor Day!
(Before he gets too far ahead of himself, I'm just going to assume that I should warn everyone to "practice responsibly".-IO)
Over the course of the next 25 days or so remember to brush up on your tailgating 3-techniques (shoot, drink, eat):
- Drink a beer in the shower
- Brush your teeth with scotch
- Grip work for bottle opening strength
- Sleep with your clothes on
- Focus on your chicken wing technique.
- Memorize political positions for drunken recall
- Chubby chase
- Become re-acquainted with your favorite plastic-bottle brand vodka
- Photocopy the contents of your wallet for easy reclamation/cancellation
- Create a 30-minute College Gameday drinking game
- Resume daily "2-minute hate" of least favorite sports figure
- Challenge the mayor's daughter to a gentlemen's duel
- Brush up strategy with your lawyer or power of attorney
Trev Alberts is current CSTV analyst. No dogs were harmed in the writing of this article.