Trevonics: Summer common sense breakdown

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Rich creamery butter! It's not even July yet, and we've got a slate of mouth-watering schedule treats to savor from SI's own Stewart Mandel. I'm not going to go toe to toe with the nice legitimate journalist about his selections. I'll just say they are a bit conservative and leave it at that. Fair and equitable, that SI is....yeah thats not a palindrome....anyway, because I'm feeling exceptionally handicapable today let's have some fun. Combining two of our favorite offseason pastimes, arbitrary lists and wild speculation, dust off the scoreboard!

2006 Season:
Straight Up: 85-32
Against the Spread: 64-50-2

Remember, all lines are strictly for entertainment only. Any action on said fictional lines will be considered dead on arrival, and for his safety, the kid has been locked up in the supply closet. It's for his own good.

Nov. 29th Louisville (-6.5) vs.Rutgers
Sorry, Rutgers, I'm not seeing it this year. Yes, you will have a fine season. No, I don't see last year happening again. Every team on the rise has its share of stumbles, and you, my friends, will have plenty this year as we all remember what "regressing to the mean" is talking about. Louisville, if healthy, should have more than enough firepower to stretch Papa John's field like the easily attainably pizza dough metaphor I just attempted.
Trev's pick: Louisville (and it'll be a "blackout game", mark my words)

Nov. 23rd Hawaii (-3.5) vs. Boise State
The Colt Brennan Show gets a very special season finale before struggling with obscurity in the holiday break. Boise State, jetlagged from long travels, film script pitches, and other assorted tie-ins to recent fame, will fall in a classic WAC squeaker, 56-52. You can call it the NCAA curse, Mr. Zabransky.
Trev's pick: Hawaii

Sep. 29th Alabama (+6.5) at Florida State
The official Nick Saban bandwagon starts here. I'm positive that the line will be screwed up for multiple reasons, FSU home game, "unproven Saban," light preceding opponents, etc etc, and the two teams will be equally hyped in opposite directions. FSU, possibly dismantling Clemson and looking forward to playing out the remainder of their "3 game season" might get caught up in the hype more than Alabama, and that's basically what this game will boil down to. 'Bama, likely having worked out the wrinkles against Arkansas and Georgia, flies in "under the radar."
Trev's pick: Alabama

Oct. 6th Oklahoma (+3.5) vs. Texas
The Red River Shootout is a "must-see" game. Shocking. Oklahoma has Phil Steele mojo, despite not really having a quarterback nailed down. Colt McCoy, if that is his real name, keeps the line unreasonable, and I won't have to split the pick. Moving on.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma

Sep. 15h Nebraska (+13.5) vs Southern Cal
In reality, this line won't be that high. It will be much much higher. Trojan euphoria is once again sweeping the nation, and even the Poodle will march into the very gates of bright red Husker Hell Itself, everyone this side of Omaha will have his back. Heck, the anti-Callahan cult might just be pulling for him too. I think my boys keep it close, but even now, I don't see any reason to keep this pick intact. Southern Cal: really good. I think I read that some where.
Trev's pick: Southern Cal

Nov. 3rd. Alabama (-3.5) vs. LSU
Speaking of red-based hell, Alabama. 92,000 plus worshipping their new Dark Lord Saban vs. an entire parish of Louisiana's finest voodoo practitioners, the darkness will be insurmountable. The shakers will blot out the sun. By now, the Bama's Back Bandwagon could be rolling at full speed, and the momentum may be too much to overcome. LSU begins their "best 1 loss team" campaign on Nov. 4th.
Trev's pick: Alabama

Nov. 10th Wisconsin (-2.5) vs. Michigan
November is shaping up to be a sumptuous feast of football armageddon. Regardless of the Badgers season, I'm pulling for another good one, this game has been circled at Camp Randall for some time right now. Although Michigan looks like it can keep up its new juggernaut reputation, nothing will be able to overcome the Miller-fueled masses. Top 5 team vs. top 5 party school. Get the eff out of this game's way.
Trev's pick: Wisconsin

Nov. 8th West Virginia (+3.5) vs. Louisville
Keeping with the riding the home teams, I have to get behind Morgantown. Rather, I'd love to get Morgantown behind me. Something about that place at night just seems so...so...unwholesome. Not slowing down too much and moving on, I like WfnVU in a moonshine-based slobber knocker.
Trev's Pick: West f'n Virginia

Nov. 10th Cal (+3.5) vs. Southern Cal
Here's where it all comes crashing down for the football landscape. Cal has got the tools, the home field, and at this point, an entire country behind them. The stage will be set for a Southern Cal loss to unleash unholy BCS doomsday upon the system, and I'm already pulling for it. Hard. No quarter. The state will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers.
Trev's pick: California

Oct. 6th LSU (-2.5) vs. Florida
Remember all of that mojo from earlier? Well, here it is. All of the great made-up storylines from the other 9 games rolled into one extreme clash of evil. Death Valley at night, LSU seeking revenge, a touted Tiger team, and Tim Tebow alone at the helm. Holy. Crap. Did I mention some of the strongest cocktails south of the Mason-Dixon line? Hurricanes, Hand Grenades, and darkness. Lots of darkness. Many people have the Gators pegged for a fall, and its going to start right here. 4 out of 5 witch doctors approve.
Trev's pick: LSU

Of course, I'm going to look back on this as early as say...Labor Day, and say "What was I on?" At least we'll all know that answer. Jager. Obvious.

Trev Alberts is an apprentice witch doctor. He's currently working on minor hexes and making Nick Saban's head bleed.