What's all this, then?

By Brig. Richard Pembroke, Ret. MES
The FA

Enough of this slapdashery! It's ungentlemanly, Alberts. Foofaraws should not be part of the legitimate business of internet web logging. This is for serious matters here on Her Majesty's network, and I won't have you muddying up the what-have-yous. We will not have any bulwark on my watch, sir. No! None at all! So you can pack up your blogtables and your figments and tell them to bugger off, I say! Too silly, and we will not be having any of it, at least not without some bloggeration from a more sensible sport.

It seems this Alexi Lalas chap has gotten into his long-haired hippie ideals that your football is comparable to our most honorable Premiership! you colonial types have been out of country for some time, smoking your medicinal tobaccos and drinking your artificially sweetened coffees, if you think your little mid-major football is up to snuff to our world-class footy. I should say. Once visited one of your matches a few autumns back, and I can tell you that you've got it all wrong! No creativity what so ever! All this stoppage of play, penalties flying about. Your unrefined sorts have got it all wrong, and way too much padding! If you're going to have a good tidy scrum, and what good match isn't without a few shoulder barges and scraps, at least have the cobbles to put it all out their on the line. Composite plastics and foam-rubber gewgaws have no place in sport between chaps, eh?

No matter. On behalf of Her Majesty's FA, I accept young master Wild-haired the Lesser of Fish-bottom's request to have some of your teams come and play over here in our Premiership tables. It will have to be some kind of one-offs to start, though. I don't want any of our lads having to mix it up in your American gridirons, too strenuous in travel, and it's not good for the basic electrolytes and other physical humours. Right. Anyway, we are proposing a general round-robin schedule in our Championship division parks, operating under equitable groundshare arrangements of course, until you've built-up some modest terraces of your own. In the interests of good spirited competition, parity and what forth, England will take on some of your superfluous football squads and redraw the tables.

Let us suggest a few teams to cross the pond this season. Having read your American media for some time, I think Stanford, Baylor, Duke, and Northwestern could use a nice change of pace. Respectable establishments all, and it doesn't sound like any of your major divisions will miss their mid-table colleagues, eh? No, I should think, not. What say you? That's what I thought. So, there it is. The game is on, it's a gentleman's wager!

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I must warn you that we have a good number of fans who enjoy the drink just as much as you lads. So, I'm going to ask that all incoming spectators observe a few rules to ease the transition:

1. Try to keep any and all weapons of an improvised nature. Broken bottles, table legs, et cetera, and only in case of dire emergency.
   
2. Imported spirits such as your Budweisers and Michelob Ultras will be taxed at 1.5 VAT
3. There will be no provoking of the QPR. That is all.
4. There are few disposable water closets within city limits, so please try to keep a good handle on your nether affairs.

Finally, I would like to add that anyone seeking lodging in and around the London area proper can feel free to contact the FA for any extended housing concerns. It can't be any worse than the last time some of your types came over for a stop. Dreadful.



Brig. Pembroke has been in the employ of the FA sine 1974. He once maltreated the Abbos, but, luckily, no one was watching.