Piss and Pucker

By Jim Rome
ESPN.com

Not a lot going on in the internet tubes, clones, but it seems we've got a few tasty morsels of prime multimedia ridiculousness on our plates. I'm glad to hear that the ND-Michigan freakout has been replaced by a ND-MSU bender, kid. I hope the next time you decide to "take it easy" you actually take it easy. It could be worse though. You could have relieved some stress like these crazy folk at NC State (HT:The Wiz, seriously, and EDSBS). Wolfpack. Tighten. It. Up.

I find a whole bunch of things wrong with this. I mean, besides the obvious. One, are there that many bad seats in your house that you need to cram everyone into the one good section? Two, how the hell are Wolfpack tickets that easy to counterfeit? You've either got clueless usher types or your tickets are printed on freaking Town House crackers! And finally, in the middle of that dreadful BC game, no one took the time to notice, "HEY!!! We've got people pissing over here! The whole damn system is out of order!" Really, did you believe in NC State SO MUCH that you were willing to soil yourself? I thought that happened before and after the games at various festive parking spots.

No, I don't have any video of any of this for you clones, and you should thank your lucky stars. Perverts.

Moving on, I want to give a big ups to my new radio hero, Mike Valenti at 1270WXYT-AM Detroit. You, sir, deserve one of those Miller Lite "Real Men of Genius" spots for a delicious rant on the MSU-ND implosion. I was going to have our editor queue up some tape on this, but it turns out Brian at The House Rock Built already has it lined up for us. Outstanding. I'm telling you, this thing gets better the more you listen to it. It is pure, distilled, unadulterated fan desperation and a portrait of a man who has had his fill of ridiculous implosions. At this point, we all know that John L. Smith can't even finish a sandwich, but this clip is clearly a man who has reached rock bottom.

Some of my favorite paraphrased tidbits:

• "I did my job! I got my section fired up! I got those old asses out of their seats and jumping! I did my job!"
  
• "PUCKER PUCKER PUCKER!"
• "You've got Drew Stanton passing in the middle of Hurricane Katrina!"
• "Have you ever heard of disguised coverages?!? You call back to back zero blitzes in a monsoon!"
• "Let me finish."
  

The list goes on and on. This guy was clearly "that guy" at the stadium that night. We've all been there, either as him or near him, refusing to believe that beyond the usual "get loud on defense" plan, you have no influence on the outcome of this game. Swearing at Methuselah-age alumni until they waste their remaining knee cartilage to provide abstract support isn't going to stop your opponents when your DC calls off the safety help! The truth hurts! Granted, Irish fans deserved a rant like that had their team been pantsed by the state of Michigan in back to back weeks, but this kind of death spiral is reserved for the victims of an instant classic collapse! Hell, now you've got me fired up.

The conference schedule will start to wear down on a lot of teams now that we're basically out of the sugary cupcake goodness of September. Be sure to give your man Rome the heads up on any future meltdowns. It's only a matter of time.

Jim Rome knows a good rant when he sees it. The FireMarkMay gift shop is currently out of stress dolls.