Someone tell me what this means...

By Jim Rome
ESPN.com

I'll have you know, Trev, that the kid's computer shenanigans left my wonderful head shots in their original pristine condition. Romey is still what you call a Gem Mint 10. Rack me.

I just wanted to stop by and comment on some of these amateur photos the kid came across from last weekend's ND-Purude matchup. Now, I'm all for catchphrases as much as the next guy, but what's. with. this? Boiler Up? Someone. Anyone. Please tell me what the heck this is supposed to mean, and, furthermore, how does one "Boiler the F* Up?"



Honestly, what's the deal? Is the so-called boilering something one does to oneself, or to a third-party, and, if applicable, is this third party quote 'a f* up' endquote. I am vexed. I am terribly vexed, but this picture takes the saying to a whole new world. I am actually horrified to see this.



COME ON! Is that a plug of chewing tobacco? Seriously, how many illicit substances can you expose the unfortunate kid to at one time, lady? I guess if the ND Bookstore sells fifths of Wild Turkey (We can dream.-IO) then we can go for the trifecta. Actually, I think I remember seeing some Scotch Guard in there on my last visit. Huff-tastic. Bonus points for the Natural Heavy.

I don't know what to say, clones. I am actually at a loss for words. Mass internet props to the message board types behind this shot, but really, what. the. F*? I mean....with the.....damn....I'm out.


Jim Rome enjoys adult beverages in moderation. He doesn't need to buy hooch from any bookstore.

Jungle-tastic

By Jim Rome
ESPN.com

Sweet merciful crap. I was all ready to get out of here for the weekend when this finally came across my desk. I had heard rumors of the song floating around out there, but now that we have official internet tube presence, I have to throw it out to the remaining clones out there who haven't seen or heard this. This sucker is flat out magic.



Glorious. See? This is what I'm talking about, people. The wheels start to fall off, and the internet message board types start getting creative. Keep it up.

(A much delayed HT to EDSBS for putting up the video.-irish)

Jim Rome is constantly on left coast time. He is still really into Pogs.

Piss and Pucker

By Jim Rome
ESPN.com

Not a lot going on in the internet tubes, clones, but it seems we've got a few tasty morsels of prime multimedia ridiculousness on our plates. I'm glad to hear that the ND-Michigan freakout has been replaced by a ND-MSU bender, kid. I hope the next time you decide to "take it easy" you actually take it easy. It could be worse though. You could have relieved some stress like these crazy folk at NC State (HT:The Wiz, seriously, and EDSBS). Wolfpack. Tighten. It. Up.

I find a whole bunch of things wrong with this. I mean, besides the obvious. One, are there that many bad seats in your house that you need to cram everyone into the one good section? Two, how the hell are Wolfpack tickets that easy to counterfeit? You've either got clueless usher types or your tickets are printed on freaking Town House crackers! And finally, in the middle of that dreadful BC game, no one took the time to notice, "HEY!!! We've got people pissing over here! The whole damn system is out of order!" Really, did you believe in NC State SO MUCH that you were willing to soil yourself? I thought that happened before and after the games at various festive parking spots.

No, I don't have any video of any of this for you clones, and you should thank your lucky stars. Perverts.

Moving on, I want to give a big ups to my new radio hero, Mike Valenti at 1270WXYT-AM Detroit. You, sir, deserve one of those Miller Lite "Real Men of Genius" spots for a delicious rant on the MSU-ND implosion. I was going to have our editor queue up some tape on this, but it turns out Brian at The House Rock Built already has it lined up for us. Outstanding. I'm telling you, this thing gets better the more you listen to it. It is pure, distilled, unadulterated fan desperation and a portrait of a man who has had his fill of ridiculous implosions. At this point, we all know that John L. Smith can't even finish a sandwich, but this clip is clearly a man who has reached rock bottom.

Some of my favorite paraphrased tidbits:

• "I did my job! I got my section fired up! I got those old asses out of their seats and jumping! I did my job!"
  
• "PUCKER PUCKER PUCKER!"
• "You've got Drew Stanton passing in the middle of Hurricane Katrina!"
• "Have you ever heard of disguised coverages?!? You call back to back zero blitzes in a monsoon!"
• "Let me finish."
  

The list goes on and on. This guy was clearly "that guy" at the stadium that night. We've all been there, either as him or near him, refusing to believe that beyond the usual "get loud on defense" plan, you have no influence on the outcome of this game. Swearing at Methuselah-age alumni until they waste their remaining knee cartilage to provide abstract support isn't going to stop your opponents when your DC calls off the safety help! The truth hurts! Granted, Irish fans deserved a rant like that had their team been pantsed by the state of Michigan in back to back weeks, but this kind of death spiral is reserved for the victims of an instant classic collapse! Hell, now you've got me fired up.

The conference schedule will start to wear down on a lot of teams now that we're basically out of the sugary cupcake goodness of September. Be sure to give your man Rome the heads up on any future meltdowns. It's only a matter of time.

Jim Rome knows a good rant when he sees it. The FireMarkMay gift shop is currently out of stress dolls.

Get Tribal

By Jim Rome
ESPN.com

Honestly, you blogger types are sick in the head. Seriously. I mean no disrespect to the actual mentally handicapped, but get it together over there! No? Fine. But remember, you've brought this on yourself. Rack me.

This one goes out to all the interns. I know it's hard for you without the lack of a real man in the authority post out there. Easy. I know it's rough, and I'm all the way out here in LA, and there is no way in heck I'm abandoning my sweet Malibu estate to schelp out there to babysit you halfwits. But, I have some experience in these matters, so I'm going to bring in some of my years of clone-herding experience. You psychos and my psychos are cut from the same crazy cloth, so this should be cake.

The solution to all of this is simple, and Trev touched on it already. Tribal law, the law of the jungle. I want you guys to get freaking feral, cull the weak, and exhaust all supplies of caffinated beverages. We will begin eliminating all of you be simple physical challenges, rewarding the winners with such luxuries as fire, immunity, and old ESPN mobile phones. Those who cannot complete the tasks at hand due to exhaustion, dehydration, or mortal wounds will be asked to leave the compound until order is restored, leaving only the most savage cubicle monkeys to maintain the anarchy in the absence of order. We tried this on the national broadcast once, and its working like a charm. Why else do you think I've got the guy who hosted 'Studs' on my set? The man is a freaking stone-cold assassin. He could kill me with his thumb if he wanted, but I keep him knee-deep in hookers and vodka to sate his urges, makes for great television though.

So, in the interests of stoking the crazy fires, I will know further provoke the kid's emotional tailspin with this scathing pitard from MGoBlog. I'll be watching it all burn from here.




Jim Rome is an ESPN rabble rouser. He suggests you use Piggy's glasses to make fire.