Week 5 Rundown

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

You know you've had a slow week when the big news is coming out of the Illinois-MSU game. For starters, hypothetical high-five to the Illini. Keep dreaming the impossible dream. Secondly, I don't think John L. Smith can hack it anymore. I think John L. Smith's a section eight. His brain may have finally been scrambled by the Genius Robot. Regardless, this humdrum weekend still yielded a Trev-tastic outcome.

Week 5 Results-
SU: 6-1
ATS: 5-1-1

Season-to-date-
SU: 32-6
ATS: 23-14-1

Tennessee 41-Memphis 7
A casual morning affair that had all the makings of a good mid-morning warmup. Tennessee was nice enough to keep the first half interesting, and Memphis almost made it a game before their touchdown was called back on penalties. Boss Hogg finally dropped the big orange hammer in the second half, allowing for a nice casual setup for the rest of the day's games. No real controversy, no real drama, just a light aperitif before the afternoon's slate.

Georgia Tech 38-Virginia Tech 27
Reggie Ball throws 56%, Tashard Choice gets 18 carries for 105yds and 2 TDs...yep, that's pretty much the checklist. I didn't pay as much attention to this as I should have, so I don't know exactly how many plays were called directly by Chan Gailey...oh, there it is. Two INTs for Reggie. Anyway, this would have never happened if Frank Beamer was still alive.

Oregon 48-Arizona State 13
The new Cal thoroughly backhands the overrated Xboxers, continuing to set up the inevitable "Oregon Dark Horse" campaign this November. Ducks fans may want to start purchasing as many BCS sponsor products as they can as a show of solidarity...or boycott them in a sign of protest? What is it they do out there again? I really forget which.

Florida 28-Alabama 13
The outcome of this match was clearly predicted the Friday night during the weekly staff karaoke night. In the midst of a late night reprise of "Sweet Home Alabama," the interns began Gator-chomping 'GO GATORS!" during the choruses. I was moved by their German-like chomping precision and immensely confident in my split pick for this game. On the other hand, thank goodness for the hook, as we were clearly toying with fate.

Michigan 28-Minnesota 14
Minnesota, 108 ruishing yards and 20 minutes of possession, thanks for playing! A truly brutal identity is developing for the skunkbear-wolverines, who could realistically hold Indiana to under 15 minutes of offense. I bet they are wishing they had tOSU in the Big House this year. The race to the horseshoe is on, just start hyping that game now, ESPN. Oh, you are? How about that. Good for you!

Notre Dame 35-Purdue 21
An uneventfully sound beating of local rival Purdue. The Irish methodically ground away Brock Spack's soul, leaving only a withered husk of a man and his glorious 'Duck Soup' moustache. Where once we had to reinforce the kid's office come Purdue week, now we are having afternoon tea and taking time for arts and crafts. I glued a macaroni bowl of oatmeal in honor of Joe Tiller and had Bloo put it up on the break room fridge. I'm special.

Ohio State 38-Iowa 7
Coach Tressel is a sneaky pete is what he is. I bet he can actually gameplan the appearance of laying down. He is that clever. Just look at him. Sitting there patiently on the sidelines in his smart little sweatervest. You know he's up to something. TELL US YOUR EVIL PLANS, SWEATER-MAN! Sorry...I just don't know what to think anymore. How do they do it? They've got so many weapons. I can't keep track of them all! You've got your third WR sleeping in a bubble, man! He's training in his sleep? This is getting out of hand...I just can't handle it....I'm out.....


Trev Alberts is a former ESPN man-on-the-street. He sleeps in one of those astronaut beds that come with a glass of wine on them.