Week 14 Rundown

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

The vile, vicious point-spread caught me napping this week! Well, I have been napping quite a lot lately, but you know how it is. All of this holiday cheer, festive seasonal beverages, red wine and savory meats laced with lethargic tryptophan, and plenty of championship football over the past two weeks have left my precious projecting muscles weak with atrophy. Scoreboard?

Week 14 Results:
Straight Up: 4-3
Against the Spread: 2-5

Season-to-date:
Straight Up: 85-32
Against the Spread: 64-50-2

The once sexfully stout winning percentage has withered to a flaccid .55 and change. Story of my life, people. If I could blame anyone but myself, I blame this week's deceptively scrappy slate.

Louisville 48-Connecticut 17
At least I started off the day on the right foot. Statement game for Louisville, proving that they can totally whoop an also-ran in an also-ran conference. So, they got THAT going for them. A wonderful offensive show from the Cardinals, and a great prelude for what will be affectionately known as "The Orange Bowl Massacre." Keep scrapping along, UCONN, you'll get 'em one day.

Wake Forest 9-Georgia Tech 6
...but not before they kick the living Deacon crap out of Wake Forest. Wow, this ACC Championship game was everything I could have dreamed of and more! The dank weather of scenic Jacksonville (now with FOUR cabs!), the throngs of empty, Jaguar-teal seats at Alltel Stadium, and the endless supply of offensive futility. Don't fool yourselves, this was NOT the defensive struggle the score implies. These football teams are just. not. very. good. Seriously. The Reggie Ball show ends mercilessly with a 9-29, 129yard, 2 INT performance that seemed more like a mercy killing than a send-off. There's got to be a Youtube video of Calvin Johnson kicking this man in the junk out there somewhere. Wake Forest's reward is to be Iowa to Louisville's Southern Cal in the FedEx Orange Bowl. Start writing your "ACC/Big East role reversal" columns now, ESPN.

California 26-Stanford 17
The last dying gasp of coach Harry Potter. As I write this, it seems that The-Coach-Who-Lived, Walt Harris, has been given his walking papers at the new University of Chicago. I've never been disappointed in Stanford until today, Cardinal fans, why didn't you honor his contract? He should have been given time to win with his players...You are besmirching the good name of....I'm sorry. I can't type any of that with a straight face. On the bright side, Stanford now has the prettiest damn track stadium in the country. Cal, the old Berkeley, the new Oregon, moves on to the Dec. 28th Pacific Life Holiday Bowl for the chance to arm-tackle Texas A&M. Tell me how that works out, Cal.

UCLA 13-Southern Cal 9
You want to know why posting has been slow around here? THIS IS WHY! The sheer joy caused by Southern Cal tripping over UCLA has caused the entire office to engage in constant, spontaneous cheering. Staffers literally just walk into random rooms screaming in exultation! I guess I'll go get a soda from the...WOOOOOO!!!! Maybe a trip to the rest...HAAHHAHAHAHAHAH! I'm going to get some work done on the.....AIEEEEE!!!! UCLA! UCLA!!!!!!. You get the idea. Broderick was all set to melt down the Wheel of Death into scrap metal, but now he's completely retooling his contraption to add Gator teeth and lord-knows-what. Johnny 5 has been putting out IT fires all weekend long, and Bloo has been, well, Bloo, but joining in on the chaos just the same. The stage is now set for a traditional USC-Michigan Rose Bowl with the Wolverines likely getting the snot beat out of them, just like the good old days. I think Bo would have wanted it that way.

Florida 38-Arkansas 28
Urban Meyer's knifewrench offense and knowledge of high-school playbooks vexes the certifiably crazy Houston Nutt and his exotic Wildcat formations. Having watched this game in its entirety, I can convincingly argue that Darren McFadden is actually West Texas' Permian High star runningback Boobie Miles. He can cut, he can hammer, he can flat run, AND HE CAN PASS! Anyone else just KNOW he was going to get dinged up early in this game? It was like one of those underdog sports movies where the magic flubber wears out in the middle of the championship match. No way Arkansas could win that game without Teen Wolf, and now they get Wisconsin in the Capital One Bowl. Is it possible for both of those teams to be exposed in that game? Can it end in a tie? As for Florida, we'll get to their postseason right after we stop laughing at Michigan....this could take a while.

West Virginia 41-Rutgers 39
After all of the couch-igniting, all of the Jack Daniels, and all of the other random trapping of the Mountaineer fan-base, Rutgers still managed to chop enough wood to get it into overtime, the never-say-die-I-can't-believe-I-didn't-see-that-coming underdogs that they are. So, forced to go for 2 to extend the overtime, the Scarlet Knights gave us all their entire season in one microcosmic play. From the 2, they PA into a dropped pass. Thanks for playing, guys. Anyone who has used Rutgers in NCAA in the last 4 weeks (yeah, they're on there) could tell you that you cannot throw with that team. Sorry, that's just how it is. If it's any consolation, the rumor mill has Schiano committing to Rutgers. That's just good for college football.

Not Nebraska 21-Nebraska 7
Err. Order not restored, Nebraska, unless it's the status quo of sucking a big one in the Big XII title game. Sigh. I'm going to need some time here....

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. His extremities are glad he watched the Nebraska game at home.