Updated: Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Great Reglorification

Yea, I say unto you, my brothers and sisters. Though we all walk through the valley of the college football, fear not! For salvation is at hand. Whether you pull for the loftiest powerhouse or the lowliest of the lesser-known cupcakes, there is always a time in which you, like so many who have come before, have toiled in the murky mire of the coaching search. Lo, for this is a time when all congregants can empathize with the heartbreak, the sorrow, the dizzying highs, trembling lows, and creamy centers of this emotional roller coaster. Behold, in this season of season-ending pomp, championship camaraderie, equally festive hams, cased sausage products, and various refreshing lubricating oils and tinctures, we of the Church of Robot Catholicism invite everyone to join us in our celebration of renewal. Whether you are Alvish, Krebish, Thonic, or even Sheekra, the universal truth of the Robot embraces you with open manipulator arms.

The Great Reglorification occurs annually to coincide with the end of the college football regular season, that time when many a school chooses to throw its future to fate and engage in the tumultuous search for a new head coach. It is at this time that the Robot Catholic calendar slows down to regular time to reflect on both searches past and present, and to wait in joyful hope of the bowl season and off-seasons to come.

There are 5 distinct periods of the celebration:

  • The Feast of the Recommitment-Nov. 30th. We begin the season of reglorification with a grand feast, celebrating the athletic directors, boards of trustees, and university presidents who had the foresight, the gumption if I may, to take action. They recognize that there is call for change, and that the program is has lost both momentum and trajectory. In order to reclaim future glory, the current head coach quickly becomes the former head coach as the initial effort to excel on all days of the week, not just Sunday through Friday but Saturday as well. Drink deep of the bourbon and rye and rejoice! Better times are surely ahead!
  • Wandering the Desert-Dec. 1st-Dec.5th. With great faith in the future, celebrants symbolically wear the colors of their alma mater for 5 days, commemorating their school's search for the next football savior. For the truly devout, a daily meditation on the program's historic greatness is taken while facing the true direction of their beloved college or university. These days are filled with anticipation and anxious joy as rumors constantly swirl across the football landscape. A great beacon of hope is just over the ridge, yet the true outcome is shrouded in mystery. While many possible suitors are considered, one quickly wins the hearts and minds of the common folk. The beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega, all outcomes are both possible and impossible.
  • The Foresakening-Dec. 6th. The hope of the previous five days is immediately snuffed out at the final day's dusk. Come this morning of The Foresakening, the beacon of hope has vanished, leaving the entire nation in darkness and despair. The great savior has been revealed to be nothing more than a false prophet. Nothing remains of the future except pipe dreams and empty promises. Fearing the worst that is yet to come, celebrants don black garments. A day of both fasting and abstinence is observed but not mandatory.
  • The Suffering-Dec.7th-Dec. 11th. These are the days of the sadness, the abyss, the unending suffering of a program truly lost. The last great hope has vanished, leaving the the grim future of perpetual defeat. All has been forsaken. Observers take this time visioning a world where their beloved team is no more, a mere doormat to their bitter rivals. For 5 days, school colors are strictly forbidden, and meditations on inevitable glory of one's foes, along with accompanying rival fight songs, are taken by strict practitioners.
  • The Feast of the Genius Robot-Dec. 12th. Alas, a single glimmer has survived the dark sorrow. Out of nowhere, a previously unexpected name surfaces to take the mantle. Press conferences are held and optimistic statements are spouted with great bombast. Finally, tales of eternal defeat become tales of eternal glory. The future, while still uncertain, has become much brighter. Celebrate boldly and without end! Feast greatly upon the ham and pomp, the liquors and liqueurs, and sleep the sound sleep of security. Your alma mater has been reglorified!
Reverend Lionel J. Preacherbot is an ordained minister of the Temple of Robotology. This mass has ended, 101000100010100001011110. *End of Line*



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