Week 12 Rundown

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

BEHOLD! The greatness of the ND-SC game is upon us! Yea, though you walk through the valley of the predetermined national title game, know that the Week of Hate is upon us!

Hello, my name is Trev Alberts. You may remember me from such biblical football matchups as Florida-Auburn, Michigan-Ohio State, and Me vs. Jack Daniels. With the blessing of our editor, I've reconstructed the office to resemble a mock-up of the LA Coliseum, where I've been allowed full master-of-ceremonies capacities as we sacrifice to the many football gods so that they may smile upon this weekend's game. A bacchanal of mock animal sacrifices, mock gladitorial combat, and mock mock naval battles round out a full schedule of paying homage to my many pagan football gods. (We're pulling out all the stops here. It's ok, though. We have insurance. Do not attempt this at home. -IO)

Before things get too out of hand, let us give thanks for my wonderful prognosticating results. Scoreboardicus!

Week 12 Totals:
Straight Up:5-2
Against the Spread: 5-2

Season-to-date:
Straight Up: 81-29
Against the Spread: 62-45-2

A triumphant return to form. Let us look back on the contests that were before we celebrates the contests that are goings to be.

Boston College 38-Maryland 16
Boston College plays Miami(FL), hoping Wake Forest drops one to Maryland. The fortunate team wins the division and a chance to play Georgia Tech. This is not the ACC they were looking for. Simply stunning, the only relevance remaining for the ACC is the possibility that Florida State could ruin Florida's outside title hopes like...well like Boston College. Congratulations, ACC, you've become a conference of Boston Colleges! Sigh.

Auburn 22-Alabama 15
And, just like that, Alabama enter the "Steve Spurrier could be coming here" sweepstakes. I've got to think of a better name for this, but these schools need better names for their incognito coaching searches. Urban Meyer? Sexy name. Butch Davis? You betcha. Steve Spurrier? That is so 1996. The wailing and gnashing of teeth continues in Alabama as the Crimson Tide fail to make the pointspread enticing. This wasn't even underrated Auburn. This was woefully "we're so good we got trapped twice" Auburn. Outside of Alabama, did anyone care about this game? If you're a fan of college football at all, the answer is unsettling.

Virginia Tech 27-Wake Forest 6
NOW they decide to be Virginia Tech. Great. A lot of good that did me. Here I am, holding off my OMG love for Wake Forest until they encounter the one team that they should be able to stop, and they completely poop out at home. Let's see how the Deacons play, psuedo-backs-to-the-division-wall, at Maryland next week. I'm sure Friedgen is hungry for some spoiling, he's hungry for lots of things. Wake Forest is fully promoted to bowl-pool victim due to the possibility that they may not win another game until next September. My money is on tailspin. Tailspin! Tailspin coming...

Cincinnati 30-Rutgers 11
The highway's jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive. Everybody's out on the run tonight, but there's no place left to hide. What kind of sportsographer would I be if I didn't throw the Boss in here? It was fun while it lasted, Rutgers, have fun playing your bowl game under wild coaching speculation. Seriously, however, the Big East berth will get interesting if Louisville and Rutgers finish with 11-1 records and UL stays ahead in the BCS. Mini-meltdown. I love it. I tip my hat to Cincinnati for stubbing some toes like I TOTALLY KNEW THEY WOULD! YEAH! GO ME! SUCK IT DOWN, NON-BELIEVERS! Ahem...sorry about that, but I totally pwned this game.

Southern Cal 23-California 9
The new Oregon did what Oregon does and lost this game proper. Increase ND-SC pimping by 40%, ABC. All the while, the legal staff began muttering to themselves "they're mortal, they're not invincible." Let's see what happens in five days. I'll try to keep the countdown on the DL. Sheer mention of the proximity of the game causes the kid to blare the fight song over the loud speakers. He is all sorts of crazy as of late, even I'm worried about him, and that's saying something.

Notre Dame 41-Army 9
The game was a non-event, but the post-game celebration certainly was not. My apologies to the kid, but all of you Irish types are certifiable right up to the scoreboard guy. (Beat SC!-IO)



The level of office fanaticism is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. Sign me up!

Trev Alberts has an honorary doctorate in fanaticism. Contrary to his belief, he cannot marry people like a ship's captain.