Release the Badgers!

By Broderick West Quinnsington IV
Local Ne'er Do Well

BWAH-HAHAHAHA! NYAH-HAHAHAHAHA!



Good show, Rutgers, Good show! Now, finish the job against Western Virginia, and seal the BCS' fate! But, I feel my masterful plan is missing a step or two. I need to make some fine tuning. Some adjustments...it could be good. It could be stupendous. I need time to ponder...

Interns! Wheel out my wheel!

BEHOLD THE WHEEL OF DEATH!!!!!!!

Let's see:

• Big East champion making waves. Yes...go....Rutgers....
• Arkansas Razorbacked Whirling Dervish....check....
• Cal and USC in a West Coast foofurrah....check...
• Texas....umm.....ok.....
• Michigan and Ohio State....BLAST! The potential rematch is causing me to be vexed. I must ensure that even a justified rematch is unforgivable. If only there was a way to....what's this?
  

Of course! How could it be so simple? Thank you, anonymous tipster, for alerting me to the finest modification to the Wheel of Death yet! It is all so wondrously evil, the sheer happenstance causing the conferences to bend to their own greedy wills by their own draconian by-laws! BWAH-HAHAHAHA!

I have set a course for Evanston, IL, and should be there in a half-day's journey. There, I will blare my particular mix-tape of hypnotic "jocular rock" that worked so well in Auburn's crushing defeat of Florida, and help bring the Michigan Wolverines to their one-loss knees! Wildcats! They were the key all along! The Big Ten and the BCS have sealed their own fate if the Wheel of Death takes its toll as newly planned!

1. Northwestern defeats Ohio State
   
2. Ohio State defeats Michigan
   
3. Wisconsin wins out!

Ok, I've got my hypno-mix, the Illinois defensive playbook, some sleeping pills, and an extra flask of 18yr scotch. Hmm. I may need to pack some extra flubber for this. Anything is possible with flubber!

The three-way tie would be enough to bring the system crashing to the ground! In the case of a tie, the Big Ten determines who goes to the Rose Bowl by...whoever hasn't been there recently! WISCONSIN! RELEASE THE BADGERS!



Yes....mushroom....mushroom.....snake! SNAKE! OHHHH SNAKE!

Michigan would be locked out of the BCS entirely! Only two teams from the Big Ten can be accepted. Bask in the evil paradoxes! Surely, the system would crumble under the weight of either team being forced out of the BCS by the BCS itself!

I am so giddy with dastardly glee. I must make haste! The vast riches of bowl game plunder await! Excelsior!

Broderick West Quinnsington IV is an associate professor of evil at Oxford University, where he also holds an honorary doctorate in the dirigible arts.