Week 10 Rundown

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Oh no. No. No. No! Mediocrity, they name is Trev! I can't believe this has happened. I've got the Germans outside, Bloo is distracting them in reception, and I don't know what to do. I'm too pretty to let them collect! Last time I was into them this much, they brought over a nail gun, a rusty nail file, and a cherry pitter. My dreams were haunted for like a week. Trust me when I tell you that this is not good, not good at all. Granted, it could be worse, but those damn LSU bastards had to twist the knife. Let's see if I can use the scoreboard as a shield...

Week 10 Results:
Straight Up: 8-4
Against the Spread: 5-7

Season-to-date:
Straight Up: 67-24
Against the Spread: 49-40-1

I'm so ashamed of myself. I feel that I've let you all down some way, but more accurately, that I have let myself down financially is really what bothers me. Don't get me wrong, I think you guys are great, but I was saving up for a new Xbox, and this week has darkened my dream of high-def Splinter Cell action.

Maryland 13-Clemson 12
Like salmonella in my morning bruncheon omelet! Clemson! What the F was that! I mean, really, what were you trying to do?!? If you're trying to make an ACC title match Maryland-Georgia Tech, than congrat-you-freaking-lations. Horrible. Massive props to the Terps for coming out of no where to completely mess with my head.

Wisconsin 13-Penn State 3
At least common sense prevailed in the other morning tilt, as Wisconsin handily held Penn State to pedantic points. All of the loud noises must have distracted Anthony Morelli, as the overall offensive effort was not Uncle-Rico-esque. When the biggest play of the day occurs when your tight end takes out JoePa's femur and ACL, you know it was some tough sledding. The chippy Badgers play chippy, sneaking like sneaky badgers do, and everyone hopes for a speedy recovery for our favorite undead coach.

Ohio State 17-Illinois 10
WHAT?!?! Way to plant the seed of doubt, Illinois. I had a gut feeling about this all week, but refused to play it because the Bucknuts have been burning me all season. [Name Redacted]'s boys played tough, and almost pulled it out. For you consipracy theorists out there, I know I want to see if the Illini went out of bounds on "The Play" at the end of regulation. I'm not saying, I'm just saying. At least show the highlight, ESPN. I can't believe we don't even get to see "how close it was." After tOSU's Penn State and Illinois games, pencil me in for doubting their offense against Michigan's front 7. Sorry Kirk.

Oregon 34-Washington 14
Tyrone Willingham, in Autzen Stadium, with the Huskies. It's just science people. The new Cal marches on.

LSU 28-Tennessee 24
Of all the low down, back door, sneaky sneak-thief covers this season, hand it to the Volunteers to blow the zone coverage on the last play, and blow the spread by a hook. GERMANS! You knew the whole time, didn't you? Great, now we're going to have a bunch of SEC 2-loss teams to fuel the BCS whining fires. The Civil War reenactors better get their maps of PAC-10 territory, because this is going to be like the Oregon Trail but with more hunting. LSU fans don't use any part of the buffalo, they just like to watch them die.

Wake Forest 21-Boston College 14
The Road to Boise! Way to go, Boston College, I knew you had it in you. Let's see, the MPC Computers Bowl probably won't take Boise State because they're actually good this year, Hawaii has already accepted the bid to the Univeristy of Hawaii Hawaii Bowl sponsored by Hawaii, so the Eagles will likely lose to...San Jose State! The majesty of bowl season, it's just so damn majestic. Wake Forest continues their path to BCS above-averageness, screwing up bowl pools across the country as they eventually get shellacked by the likes of West Virginia, California, Auburn or whatever BCS-shafted opponent feels like taking out their travelling hate out on the poor Deacons.

Texas 36-Oklahoma State 10
ESPN called this game "surpisingly lopsided." No kidding. Colt McCoy, if that is his real name, has a ridiculous outing, going 23-29 for 346yds and 3TDs, and catapults himself to Mark May's top 4 Heisman list. Of course, that list has two freshmen, an above-average player from the MWC, and Troy Smith, but we'll leave the Brady Quinn bandwagoning for the kid. Texas is in desperate need of some style points, as they are getting no love from the computers, so it is going to be fun to see how their ranking pans out. There is little room for them to advance no matter how many teams from Texarkanahoma they mop up.

Arkansas 26-South Carolina 20
How did I ever doubt the power of the Steele? I know Brian from House Rock Built is starting to sweat about his wager against a Top 10 'Hogs team, but he mentioned that they have plenty of chances to screw the pooch. SOS loses to Houston Nutt, and somehow, all is right with the world.

California 38-UCLA 24
BEHOLD THE GARBAGE COVER! UCLA, is eminently predictable fashion, gets the late rushing TD while down 3 scores. That's just great. I'm sure the guys at Bruins Nation are pleased as punch to see that Karl was *THIS* close to beating Cal. I guess he's not on the hot seat anymore...

Oklahoma 17-Texas A&M 16
Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops finds his man-parts and decides to go for it, 4th and inches, deep in his own end, to ice the game. Gutsy call all around, so kudos to Bob for putting on his Genius Robot pants Saturday morning. Other than that, duh, Aggies lose, 'Bama fans have a hearty chuckle...they need it after losing to Miss St.

Virginia Tech 17-Miami (FL) 10
Thank goodness for UNC and Duke helping assure GTech's ACC title berth. If the Hokies found some way to backslide in there, I would have freaking flipped. ACC, you are not good. Miami (FL), the (FL) tag stays until you figure out your business. Guess what, from what I hear, Butch Davis isn't walking through that door. Prepare to write a big check for a Big East coach, because that's what it's going to take. The irony of it all.

Notre Dame 45-North Carolina 26
There were times in this game where our editor was actually hyperventilating. Seriously, he had the paper bag out and everything. Those Irish fans, I tell you, they are not the shiny optimistic leprechauns that most people paint them to be. They have to be the most depressing 8-1 team in the country, like they've been trained for years to think the sky is going to fall on them. Honestly, I don't remember Notre Dame being about that at all. I guess they're just saving their holy football jihading for the trip to LA. In other news, North Carolina's fight song is very repetitive, and one of the three songs on the marching band's sheet music. The other two songs are reprises to the fight song. It's like staying on the NCAA title screen for 3 and a half hours.

Trev Alberts is a fight song connoisseur. Unfortunately, his love of pepidemiology probably won't save him from his international creditors.