Breaking News: Illusions of Granduer overtake MSU

By Muppet Newscaster
ESPN News

In a shockingly early move, Michigan State head coach John L. Smith is expected to step down today at 1:30pm ET. His resignation is rumored to be in support of his offensive and defensive coordinators. H.R. Pufnstuf and Teddy Ruxpin could not be reached for comment. This news comes as a disappointment to sportswriters everywhere. Now unable to recycle flag-planting, face-slapping one-liners for the remainder of the Spartans' regular season, we must focus on the savior-seeking hubris emanating from East Lansing.

Candidates across the country are foaming at the mouth to take this illustrious position, "one of the more attractive jobs in the nation". As we speak, university officials are likely courting several A-list coaches with the opportunity to lose to Michigan, Ohio State, and Illinois every year. Their midwestern recruiting base is certainly vibrant enough to withstand competition from these powerhouses as well as Notre Dame, Penn State, and both Miami and Ohio of Ohio.

The rumor mill is currently churning, and we have some preliminary names including former Miami coaches Dennis Erickson and Butch Davis. Clearly, the Spartans are looking to them to bring some much needed discipline to the program. Another name always circling the program is former Detroit Lions coach Steve Mariucci. Many expect the charismatically average NFL coach to return to campus on a flaming chariot, pulled by white unicorns, to reunite with his perfectly hetero-life mate, Spartan basketball coach Tom Izzo (edited....we were caught up in the excitement-IO).

More on this when the heavens part.