Breaking News: Blame chart made public

By Muppet Newscaster
ESPN News

This is a Muppet News Flash! Hot on the heels of Notre Dame falling to 0-4 for the first time in the school's history, officials have decided to finally release the long rumored Hierarchy of Blame blaming chart for Fighting Irish fans. By simply following this handy chart, fans will be able to properly direct their anger in proper, university approved, scapegoats, while observing their relative importances and overall culpability.

The chart begins at the top with his Holiness, Colonel Sanders, and Regis Philbin, as established originally by Vatican II. The following tier includes the Worldwide Leader, Colonel Mustard, Monk Malloy, and former QB Demetrius Jones. Following that tier is the tertiary level, including Phil Collins, transvestite street performers, Illinois Nazis, and Al Swearengen. Finally, once all options are exhausted, including related scapegoats implied by chart members, former head coach Lionel Tyrone Willingham.



This has been a Muppet News Flash.


Muppet Newscaster is FireMarkMay's official newscaster. He is not university approved.

News Flash: ND QB controversy in the midst of triple triple reverse

By Muppet Newscaster
ESPN News

*******THIS IS AN EMERGENCY BROADCAST OF THE EMERGENCY BLOGGING SYSTEM*******

This site is enacting the Emergency Blogging System. This is not a test.

FireMarkMay.com, in voluntary cooperation with the Federal Communications Commission and federal, state, and internet authorities, have developed this system to keep you informed in the event of an emergency.

Late Wednesday, sources have divulged the identity of the starting QB for Notre Dame's home opener against the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. Breaking the story with the help of Facebook, a social networking site, the Notre Dame blog known as Robot Charlie divulged the identity of said starting quarterback to be none other than Demetrius Jones. Known aliases of Mr. Jones include DJ, DD, Double Disaster, Mr. Jones, QB #3, and "that scrambling Irish QB guy on NCAA."

Concerns that the release of this "state secret" is causing the Notre Dame Nation to begin the wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth a full 48 hours before a snap of meaningful football. For ease of reference, the NDN security alert has been raised to "unnecessary yellow" or "The 2005 'The Shirt'":
The larger issues at hand are both the amount and direction of damage the spilled starting secret has created. Initial reactions are leading to the possible excommunication of the noble amateur blogger, but that may soon to be reconsidered as an over-reaction. The real concern is the nature of the information leak, the credibility of the source, the true source of the source, the motive behind said source, the gamesmanship behind the leak, and the interpretation of that gamesmanship by internet commentors, and the fanbases at large.

To be clearer, we have no proof at this time that this inside information is not actually disinformation by the hands of the actual Robot Genius, Charlie Weis. Long known to be fascinated by text messaging and keeping secrets tucked neatly under his large, stretched-out Notre Dame coaches' hoody, Coach Weis man in fact want us all to believe that Jones is the starter when, in fact, he is NOT the starter. If he is not the starter, then who is? This leads us all back to our original assumption that this internet communique is actually leading us all to believe that the true starter of this Saturday's home opener is in fact Jimmy Clausen. Of course, for that to be known and the logical end of this information, Jimmy must, in actuality, ALSO not be the starter. Therefore, by process of elimination, Evan Sharpley will be leading the Irish onto the field against Georgia Tech, which, of course, is what Weis wants us to think. This leaves us to the chilling conclusion that the starting quarterback is none other than "that other guy", Darren Bragg.

We here at the Emergency Blogging System hope this clears up the situation for everyone, especially Georgia Tech DC, John Tenuta. We know he is keeping close tabs on this situation as it develops, and is now scrambling to reorganize Thursday's practice to gameplan against Bragg. However, if that's his gameplan, the Irish will have to counter with their own adjustments which may not include Bragg at all.

More on this as it develops, or when my eyes uncross.

This has been a broadcast of the Emergency Blogging System. This is not a test.

******END TRANSMISSION******

Muppet Newscaster is the sole operator of FireMarkMay's EBS. He is also unnecessarily yellow.

Hook 'Em Horns

By Muppet Newscaster
ESPN News

The new year is barely a day old, not a snap of official football has been played, but the Big XII fans are in mid-season form. Allowing ourselves to sit back and take in the splendor of this news story, we allow the headline to speak for itself, excerpt to follow:

Church Deacon, OU Fan Tears Scrotum Of UT Fan In Bar Fight
(HT: Uncle Smooth and NBC5i.com)

A couple of months before the annual Red River Shootout between the Sooners and Longhorns, words were exchanged at Henry Hudson's Pub between Allen Beckett, 53, and Brian Thomas. Witnesses said it was because Thomas was wearing a UT T-shirt. Neither Thomas or Beckett chose to comment, but the police report described what happened to the victim, including graphic details about his injuries that included a torn scrotal sack with partially exposed testicles.

We close this news bulletin with the obligatory "Ode to a Nut Shot."



Muppet Newscaster has returned from hiatus. He is still hiding from the legitimate media.

Security Alert: ND Nation alertness raised

By Muppet Newscaster
ESPN News

This site is enacting the Emergency Blogging System. This is not a test.

FireMarkMay.com, in voluntary cooperation with the Federal Communications Commission and federal, state, and internet authorities, have developed this system to keep you informed in the event of an emergency.

Rumors have surfaced that 5-star DE commit, Justin Trattou, has reversed his soft verbal to Notre Dame and will instead attend Florida University. Sources are strong to quite strong that he will be a full commit to the Gators at this time, but nothing is truly confirmed. The 18-year old could not be reached for comment.

This message is for all users in the Notre Dame Nation and surrounding areas. Please leave your homes. For your own safety and the safety of those around you, do not attempt to use the relevant internets for at least two full days.

This site has been authorized to notify all members of the area that the local security alert has been raised to Orange, indicating a High risk of meltdown.



This has been a message from the Emergency Blogging System. This is not a test.

Muppet Newscaster is a certified transmitter of the EBS. He is working on his ham radio license.

Nick Saban to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts

By Muppet Newscaster
ESPN News

Tuscaloosa, AL- The University of Alabama filled its recently vacated Defense Against the Dark Arts (DADA) faculty position today by hiring Miami Dolphins head coach Nick Saban. The deal is estimated to pay 40 million dollars over the course of 8 years, pending his own survival. The hiring is the latest in a string of transactions concerning Alabama's frequently vacated DADA job given the recent number of former employees meeting untimely demises over the years. While foul play has been suspected by both friends and foes of the Alabama program, authorities have yet to locate former DADA teachers Mike Shula, Mike Price, and Mike DuBose.

Coach Saban was coveted by the Crimson Tide mainly for his knowledge of the high-school recruiting, a relatively new field of dark sorcery, but the position will require adept-level understanding of the traditional dark arts: SEC defenses, poisons, alumni relations, unforgivable curses, and academic eligibility.

Snape, seen here plotting vengeance over his foes at Auburn.

Alabama administrators are confident that they have found a DADA teacher that will be able to weather the traditionally rough situation and, at least, remain alive through the span of his scheduled tenure.

Longtime staff member, Severus Snape, was pegged for the job by many insiders, and while he had been rumored to be headed for vacant Dark Arts positions at Texas and Miami(FL), the ultimately loyal Snape will remain at Alabama as poisons coach and co-defensive coordinator. Snape will, however, yield his position as headmaster of Slytherin House, the Tide's athletic dormitory.

This faculty search was unusually long considering the unnaturally high interest in the position. Traditionally, a vacated Defense Against the Dark Arts office is filled no later than the nearest equinox, but Alabama's athletic headmaster, Mal Moore decided that an extra fortnight of pondering and meditation was necessary. "We are certain that the extra time helped us secure the perfect man for the job," added Moore, "and, after only a few years here at Alabama, we're sure that Coach Saban will be a grand wizard."

Muppet Newscaster is a card-carrying member of the legitimate media. He once caddied for Tyrone Willingham.

News Flash: MSU makes obvious call

By Muppet Newscaster
ESPN News

Ruxpin brings a wealth of football knowledge, as well as magic crystals, to the MSU program.

I am definitely pulling my weight around here today....This is an ESPNNEWS flash! This evening in East Lansing, Michigan, the Michigan State Spartans announced that university officials have already named a successor to recently departed head coach John L. Smith. Rumors have been simmering for weeks now, but shortly after Smith stepped down, a name that had been swirling around internet message boards finally became fact. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the next coach of the Michigan State Spartans is none other than Teddy Ruxpin.

Ruxpin, a former assistant under H.R. Pufnstuf, is more well-known for his fantastic escapades in the magical land of Rillonia, seeking the Treasure of Grundo, and the West-Coast offense. The loveable bear gave a prepared cassette tape accepting the position and then followed up with a brief Q&A. He stated that much of his staff is already in place, having begun planning shortly after the Notre Dame game, and will definitely include his recruiting sidekick, Grubby (sold seperately). Also, he stressed a return to traditional Spartan football, mentioning former lineman Bubba Smith as one of his childhood idols. The new coach plans to hit the recruiting trails immediately following a brief soujorn to stop the nefarious plans of Quellor, the Supreme Opressor of the Monsters and Villians Organization.

We here at FireMarkMay.com wish Coach Ruxpin the best of luck and are sure he is bound for some amazing adventures.

Breaking News: Illusions of Granduer overtake MSU

By Muppet Newscaster
ESPN News

In a shockingly early move, Michigan State head coach John L. Smith is expected to step down today at 1:30pm ET. His resignation is rumored to be in support of his offensive and defensive coordinators. H.R. Pufnstuf and Teddy Ruxpin could not be reached for comment. This news comes as a disappointment to sportswriters everywhere. Now unable to recycle flag-planting, face-slapping one-liners for the remainder of the Spartans' regular season, we must focus on the savior-seeking hubris emanating from East Lansing.

Candidates across the country are foaming at the mouth to take this illustrious position, "one of the more attractive jobs in the nation". As we speak, university officials are likely courting several A-list coaches with the opportunity to lose to Michigan, Ohio State, and Illinois every year. Their midwestern recruiting base is certainly vibrant enough to withstand competition from these powerhouses as well as Notre Dame, Penn State, and both Miami and Ohio of Ohio.

The rumor mill is currently churning, and we have some preliminary names including former Miami coaches Dennis Erickson and Butch Davis. Clearly, the Spartans are looking to them to bring some much needed discipline to the program. Another name always circling the program is former Detroit Lions coach Steve Mariucci. Many expect the charismatically average NFL coach to return to campus on a flaming chariot, pulled by white unicorns, to reunite with his perfectly hetero-life mate, Spartan basketball coach Tom Izzo (edited....we were caught up in the excitement-IO).

More on this when the heavens part.

Oregon to create Oregon Bowl

By Muppet Newscaster
ESPN News

An early prototype of Rutgers' limited-edition Nike Bowl uniforms.

Eugene, OR--In a move similar to the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl and Boise State's MPC Computers Bowl, the University of Oregon has agreed to host their own bowl game, tentatively titled the Nike Bowl, to be held Dec. 31st at Autzen Stadium. The bowl will feature the Ducks vs. the at-large team that whines the most about the BCS outcome. Early favorites for the bid are Auburn, Wisconsin, and pretty much any team from the Big East.

"We've been thinking about doing this for some time," said Bill Moos, Oregon's AD. "The Ducks have a storied tradition of being locked out of the bigger games, and this is our special way of showing the bigger schools that we mean business. We're going to have our own bowl game, and only we'll get to decide who's invited! Suck on that, BCS!"

Both the Ducks and their eventual opponent will receive new alternate jerseys for the Nike Bowl, complete with bio-luminescent swooshes, personally molded undergarments, and helmets equipped with those cool, Olympic-style flamethrowers. No word yet on the expected half-time extravaganza, but word out of Eugene points to Kevin Federline as "a heavy lean."

More on this as it develops...